Need help dealing with a 4 1/2 yr old's recent issues.....
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2005:
Need help dealing with a 4 1/2 yr old's recent issues.....
DD, age 4 1/2 has been for the most part a very easy kid. If she has an issue, DH and I both work on it and we can usually resolve it. We do slip back into old behavior sometimes, but it's not usually a concern to us, because we know we just have to get back into our routine.
Well, today....
She took a marker and wrote on the arms of the sofa, love seat, and chair. As well as a throw I have, the white carpet, a small ottoman, on walls, on 4 dining room chair covers....
(Ok, she tried this when she was 2! She has NEVER done anything like this before....)
Then, she peed her pants 3 times today! Uhmm, I'm at a total loss. What's going on??
DH thinks she needs a little attention because we've been talking about the baby so much lately and since the time in the hospital some attention was put on me.
I don't get it. We still spend so much attention on her. I made curtains for her room, since she wanted curtains like her baby brothers. We've been sitting together in front of the fire for tv family time. Yesterday, I baked a cake and cupcakes with her--she got to decorate everything and mix. DH bought her favorite movie and we all watched it together last night. We've been letting her back into bed with us when she needs it, because DH thinks she is needing a little more attention.
I feel like I am doing so much, I don't know where this is coming from! I feel terrible about it!
Ok, so I know this may be a cry for more attention or her letting us know she is angry, but I had to throw the markers away. This is one behavior that we will NOT tolerate in this house. If she wants to write on her walls, then fine, but we expect her to take care of the family home....
Ok, any advice on how to deal with this. Is is going to get worse when the baby comes?? I'm thinking about calling her Dr. to take her in and talk about it. (He's really good with these kinds of things.) I'm just at a loss.....
Boy, I am at a loss too... it sounds like she is getting plenty of attention, so I don't think that is it. I would be careful about assuming that (not that you are) and giving her even more because it will be a real shock when the baby comes.
I wonder if she is just acting out because the time is getting close and she is realizing she won't be the "baby" and it kind of trying to go backwards so she can be a baby too? Peeing her pants and doing things she knows she shouldn't do like writing on the furniture etc is something that a younger child or "baby" would do???
I agree that it sounds like she's getting plenty of attention and family time. Along the same lines as Vicki...maybe she's just testing you because of all of the upcoming changes. By disciplining her (as you always would) maybe she's just getting another kind of confirmation that SOME things still aren't going to change. Does that make sense?
WOW! I would blow over all of that. I'm sure I'm in for those kinds of things in the future, too.
Ditto Reds and Vicki. My dd had a MAJOR meltdown about one or two days after I came home. Some tips to make the transition easier...pick out a special small gift for Sydney from the baby. When I had my youngest, I told my two oldest that I took the baby to the hospital gift store and she pointed at the two things I bought for them. When she comes to see you in the hospital she is coming to see YOU not the baby. Make sure you have someone else hold the new baby when you are coming home. Some other things I did, limit visitors and if it's family, ask them if they bring a gift for the baby to give it to you when Sydney's not around or better yet, get a little something for Sydney too.
This next little bit comes from a book my mother gave me when I was pregant with dd #1. It's by Penelope Leach and it puts thing in a different perspective. I know Sydney is older than this example but it's still interesting to read.
Don't let worry about your firstborn spoil your joyful anticipation of the new baby � but don't expect him to share it, either! Having babies is adult business; children have to put up with it, but they don't have to like it (and they usually don't).
Some parents find the idea of their beloved toddler being resentful and jealous of his new sibling so intolerable that they pretend to themselves, and to him, that he's looking forward to the birth as much as they are.
Not surprisingly, this pretense seldom works. Imagine how you'd feel, for instance, if your husband came home one day and cheerfully announced the news of a second wife to you: "I'm bringing home a new wife soon, darling, because I thought it'd be nice for you to have some company. By the way, I'll need you to be a 'big girl' and help me take care of my young bride."
When the people we love are enough for us, we want to be enough for them. If they want somebody else, we understandably feel pushed out and jealous. Your task, then, is to accept the fact that your 2-year-old is going to have those painful feelings, and to concentrate on getting him into the best possible emotional shape to cope with them.
Smooth, secure relationships with parents and caregivers will help him during the rocky adjustment period after the baby arrives, so try to avoid major battles as the birth approaches � even if that means delaying toilet training or letting him hang onto his bottle longer than you'd like. Caring for his new brother or sister will make you less available to your firstborn, so he'll need other close relationships to turn to as well. The more time he can spend with his father, for instance, the better. Favorite friends' or relatives' houses can also serve as refuges � and part of a "grown-up" life that the baby can't impinge upon � as can his "own" daycare or preschool.
Be careful about the timing of any major changes, though. If you start your toddler in daycare when his sibling arrives, for instance, he's likely to feel that he's been banished. Likewise, if you move him from his crib to a bed or put him in a new room right before the birth and then give his old spot to the baby, he won't feel promoted � he'll feel displaced.
You know having a baby is a happy time, it is also a stressful time. Think back to your wedding, I bet you were happy and excited, but stressed out as well.
Didn't you just spend some time in the hospital? That's probably adding to the stress. I have no experience with 4 years olds, but maybe you could sit down with her and have her try to express her feelings about the new baby and what the means to her. She may not have the words, so maybe you could do an art project and allow her to express herself that way. I think she needs to hear that just because a new baby is coming doesn't mean that she will be replaced in anyway and that mommy and daddy will love her just as much. I'm sure you've probably already expressed that to her, but perphaps it just needs to be re-inforced more often the closer you get.
Matthew acted out before the baby was born as well and I couldn't really understand, I thought it wouldn't happen until after the baby arrived. He also had major meltdowns once the baby was home, but these settled down after I got everyone out of my house and we settled into a routine.
Good luck, children pick-up on our stressors and I think it's normal to act out especially when you have a limited vocabulary. Hope things get better.
Also maybe get her a "I'm a big sister book" that you can read together along with a tee-shirt. Tell her how much the baby is going to love her. It's hard to dislike someone who likes you.
Another thought...You've probably already done this/thought of this, but have you talked to her about how much of a helper she can be for you when the new one arrives? She's old enough that she can be quite a big help I would think. Maybe if she feels that she has jobs that include her in new baby's life it will help her to feel needed and loved as well.
Sounds like pretty typical four year old, I am going to be a butt behavior  She is old enough to know better and old enough to manipulate. You sound like you have a lot of guilt. All this is normal. My suggestion, first it is time to let go of your guilt. Your child is about to be one of two, this means less one on one time, less being the special princess, and in general less time. But you are also giving her the gift of sibling love, someone to play with, someone to sneak around and plot against you with , and all those wonderful things you can't do alone. Your time may be divided, but your love with be multiplied. There is a love you cannot have without a sibling to show you it is there (trust me on this one..LOL). Divided time doesn't have to be bad, but it will be different. I think she is picking up on this guilt and using it against you. I think you need to take this time and talk to her about being changes, and some she won't like, but some she will, but it is part of the family you will have and like it or not this is what she has.
As for the wetting herself. You really have two options here. It could be mean and spiteful behavior, or it could be medical. There are children who end up with bladder spasms at about that age. If it continues to happen then you should take her to the doc. I probably would mention that to her. If it is behavioral that should make it stop. Don't scare her, just state that you are concerned because 4 year old girls that have been potty trained for a year aren't supposed to have accidents.
I think sometimes we tipee toe around the sibling worried that we are going to upset their delicate egos, when in reality they need to know mommy is still mommy and that isn't going to change. Having this baby is one of the coolest gifts you will ever give her, it may take a little time for that to sink in to her, but it will. It is going to be okay, heck it is going to be great, just hang in there.
I'm with heaventree on this. It could be a rally stressful time for her and she doesn't know how else to deal with it. Peeing like that sounds like she's distracted beyond normal and not paying attention to her bodys signals so maybe she's got some heavy worries?
I really don't buy the mean or manipulating arguments most of the time. You know your daughter and haven't indicated that she's got a pattern of being spiteful or manipulative so why should she be now? Like most people, kids act up when something is wrong whether it's fear or stress or just being tired, not simply to act up.
I think the older the child is the harder to accept a new sibling. My sons are almost 7 years apart and we had a hard time with the older one and couldn't figure out whay he was acting the way he was. It turned out he thought we wouldn't love him anymore after the baby was born and once we assured him there was plenty of love for everyone and that there was even more because the baby was going to love him also, he returned to his normal self. I know how difficult and emotional it can be but you will get through it and from reading the posts you are very good parents, enjoy your new baby when he gets here and your DD will be fine.
Kids of all ages pick up on their parents' stresses and worries, no matter how much we try to keep it from them. Your DD knows that there will be another child in the house and she also knows that her world is going to change, has already changed, and she is just not old enough to effectively express how she feels about it. She's got to be worried and unsure how life is going to be and how she's going to fit into all of it. I bet your stay in the hospital, and the subsequent disruption in her life and routine, increased her anxiety and this regression was a way of seeing if the old rules still apply. Were you consistent in your punishment? Did you react as you always have? My guess is that you did and this reassured her that this part of her life remains unchanged. There is a great sense of security in knowing that some things will never change!
You know, kids will constantly test the limits and rules, and will need to be reminded of the boundaries. The younger they are, the harder it is to pinpoint the specific problem or anxiety because they can't effectively express their feelings to us. But, I do think that as long as you are consistent with her and reassure her that she is still an important part of the family and that role will never change, this acting out will decrease. It is a big adjustment for everybody when another child is added to the family, but as adults, we have the ability to understand what's happening and work through the changes; the kids involved need our help with that.
I can't really say more than everything posted above. Lots of great thoughts.
But I so want to know if that marker was permanent??!!! And, were you able to get it off of everything?
Thanks, everyone. The rest of the afternoon went a lot better. She had to clean the marker off of all the washable surfaces. It was a crayola marker, I think washable. It came off all the walls and trim, but it took some work for the furniture. It's still there and looks like pink smudges. I need to work on it a little more still.
Oh, also she was going to the bathroom fine. She had some quiet time in her room for a bit; not a punishment, but we just asked her if she wanted to lie down a bit and rest. She said yes. So, that helped me to calm down too. I was just telling DH how great it was that she was finally going to the bathroom almost totally solo--even poop! Woo hoo! She showed me, didn't she? LOL
I guess I'll just hang in here and keep my fingers crossed we all pull through. LOL Thanks again.
I'm sure someone has said everything I am about to say but here it goes....
First, in my experience 4 year olds are twice as bad as any 2 year olds I've seen. It's just something about 4.
Second, in regards to the new baby just talk to her. We kind of went through this with my older son when the second was born (and he was about the same age). There are tons of wonderful books to be reading her about being a big sister. Tell her "how lucky this baby is going to be to have a big sister like her". Really build her up and let her know what her role will be. Really talk to her about how it is going to be, you will be busy with the baby but you will still be here for her and now she gets to be a big sister. Let her know the wonderful things she can do that the baby can't(run, talk, read, cuddle with mommy, etc.) Tell her all you can about babies and the care they need, get her a doll and help her to really understand. Talk to her about jealousy and how it is hard not to feel that way but invite her to come tell you when she feels jealous and you will help her with it (we did this with our oldest and he really did it and it helped both of us a lot) Shop for a present with her for her to give the baby at the hospital, then get one from the baby to her and give it to her when she visits at the hospital (a ring or necklace, somthing she could keep forever). Take her to the hospital in advance(lots of them will give sibling tours or classes). Like most of us it is hard to go into the unknown and when we don't have a choice in the matter it is worse, the more she knows and understands the more adjusted she will be. It will save you a lot of stress when the baby is here. When the baby comes plan an evening out with just you and her or her and daddy and be sure to let her know that you just wanted to spend some time with just her.
Last, keep the discipline consistent. For whatever reason she is doing it she still needs that sense of consistency that the "old rules" still apply. I think when their environment changes they need that sense of security.
{{{Eve}}} It sounds like you are spending plenty of time with your dd.
It sounds like typical behavior when a new baby is born or there is stress. Potty regression and acting out are very normal. I would try to just stay as calm as possible(hard I know when someone has taken a marker to your furniture) and just discipline like you normally do. My oldest was only 2, when my 2nd ds was born. He had a hard time with it for a few months, but then he settled down.
|
Members
