Competitve Kids and Playground Woes
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2005:
Competitve Kids and Playground Woes
Our 9.5 year old ds is highly competitive. If he isn't best/first/fastest/smartest/etc he gets very upset. Not at himself but at the world for being so unfair as to create conditions that would not allow him to be best.
For example, on the playground yesterday morning, he was playing handboard with a group of kids. He was called out and he didn't think he was. He got angry and threw the ball at the next player. (He says he didn't mean to throw it at him but it *slipped*. Sure.) The other kids got angry at him and I believe the name calling and so on began. My son ended up in tears. He believes the other kids just ganged up on him because they don't like him and he is the victim.
I have a ton of other examples. This is just the most recent.
I just don't know how to help him. I fully believe in natural consequences and I know in my heart that the natural consequences of being a poor sport is the other kids calling him on it. It's just so heartbreaking.
I want so much for him to just relax and realize that life is okay and sometimes you just have to roll with it. I want him to lose this victim mentality and realize that his choices can make the same exact situation go in an entirely different direction. I want him to know that he doesn't always have to be *the best*. I want him to know that he is a really great kid and he will be a really great kid even if he gets out at handboard, doesn't get the highest grade, isn't the fastest runner, and so on. That he can just be him, and that's a really great thing to be.
How can I help guide him in the right direction??? He resists talking to me about it. I only found out about the situation yesterday because one of the other moms saw it happen and she asked me if he mentioned it. Of course he hadn't, so I asked him what happened. He gave me the minimal information and clammed up. I am at a loss as to the best way to help him.
TIA.
I think what happened yesterday is a perfect example of what you can use to talk to him about it. Talk about what happened and what could have happened if he had handled things differently. Your right that with the kids reacting the way they did, he very well may have gotten the message. Sometimes it takes peers to change things. Dd had a couple of kids in her K class that still sucked their thumbs. Their parents mentioned that they had tried everything to break the habit, but it wasn't until they started school and the other kids asked them why they still did it that it changed. To my knowledge, none of the kids were mean about it, but just questioned it.
How have you reacted in the past to his always wanting to be the best and getting upset? Has he pretty much always gotten his way? It sends a little red flag to me that he doesn't get upset with himself, but with everyone else. You said:
Not at himself but at the world for being so unfair as to create conditions that would not allow him to be best.
Have you always tried to create the conditions for him that would allow him to be the best? I am not pointing fingers at all, just wondering why he would feel that way. Also, I find it interesting that this other mother mentioned it to you. Do you think that this is even a bigger issue with his friends than you realize? That just isn't something that I would mention to the mom of a child unless it is something that happened alot and I felt it was causing problems. It may have been her way of letting you know that???
Just wondering out loud here....
Oh Melanie, our 9 yr. old boys sound very much alike! I'm also struggling with how to handle this effectively and am anxious to read the responses. Frustrating, isn't it?!
Thank you for responding, Vicki.
Alec has always had a competitive streak beyond what I have seen in other kids. When he was very young, he wasn't even fun to play board games with because he would get so angry if he lost. We would actually have to stop the game altogether at times because he wouldn't just relax and have fun. Dh takes the kids outside to play baseball with them. He will pitch a little harder to Alec than to his younger brother so his brother would have a chance to hit as many balls. (Setting up the victim mentality maybe?? Dad pitches harder to him thereby setting him up to *lose*?)
One interesting note is that he plays football. He is certainly not a top player. He does not get angry there, but is highly motivated to work very hard. He actually has one of the best attitudes on the team! But put him in a situation where he believes he should be the *best*, and watch out for the emotion that will follow when reality hits him.
I don't think it was odd that the other mom mentioned it. We are friends and she saw my son have a breakdown on the playground. We were in the middle of an email exchange and she asked if he told me about it. No doubt, this is a big issue. But I don't think it's bigger than I realize. It's been the main topic of conversation for conferences since he started school. It has troubled me for a very long time. I think it's becoming bigger now because the other kids are finally standing up to him for the first time.
I think ultimately his competitive nature will work to his benefit. He just has to get it harnassed properly.
Thanks for your thoughts and I welcome more. 
Trina, it is incredibly frustrating!! It is so easy for me to see how he can do it different, and yet he just can't bring himself to see it. I hope and pray he *gets it* very soon. I am so sad for him some days.
Ok, if you are friends, I don't find it odd either that she mentioned it. I thought it was just "a" mom. LOL That I would find odd if it were just a one time thing.
Boy, I am out of suggestions for you! Maybe it is just his make up? If he has always been this way and it isn't new.... Has the school ever given you and tips or things to try? Is there anyone else that is like him that you can "show" him how he acts and then he can see what it looks like to others? Have you ever tried acting the way he does when your playing a game or something? Does he even realize how he acts?
It must be hard. I feel for you. Dd used to be that way with her grades. She would get upset about anything lower than a A! A B was not acceptable to her. What helped her was to get that first F on a paper. She was in tears when I was looking through her folder when she got home from school. When I looked at it I just said, wow, this must have been really hard, lets look over it before we file it away. I think she thought I might be mad about it. But she then realized that the world didn't end and it was ok to not always get A's!
Don't know why I blabbed that story to you. LOL Maybe just to let you know that lots of kids do have some of this in them. LOL
I hope that things get better soon and maybe you will get some great advice!!
Melanie, I am going through the same thing with my 7-1/2 yr. old ds. {{{{hugs}}}} I have no advice and have wondered what to do about it myself. I noticed with ds that it is only really bad when he is very passionate about something. He is just crazy about baseball. He loves it...loves to play it, watch it, etc. He has always excelled at it, but he wants to be the very best. He was asked to try out for the select team at the end of the season last year. It is a big deal because very few 7 yr olds were asked to do it, it is mainly for 8 yr. olds. He didn't do as well as he wanted at tryouts and he didn't make the team. He was SO upset. He ended up making the Allstar team, which was also mainly 8 yr. olds. But, it wasn't good enough for him. He has even made comments that he doesn't want to play when he is 9. I know it is because he has to move up a level and he will be with older kids and he is afraid they will be better then him.
My ds gets very defensive when we try and talk about this. He has mentioned before that he just can't help it when he gets out of hand with it. He also was horrible to play games with, etc. because he couldn't handle loosing. Maybe, now that your ds's friends are calling him on it, it wil help him get it under control. I too, just don't know what to do to help ds with this. It upsets me that he is so hard on himself or that he doesn't try new things because he is not sure he will be the best at it.
Thanks everyone. If nothing else, it does help knowing I am not alone.
Vicki, I am working closely with his teacher on this issue. I am at the school everyday since ds #2 is out 45 minutes before Alec. So we have many opportunities to talk. We try to use the same language with him when talking about it so it is being reinforced on both sides. The incidents just seem to happen more frequently this year and it is really difficult to not know what to do. Like I said, I think the kids have stepped up this year and decided not to put up with him when he gets in those moods whereas I think they let it slide more in the past. I really hope that is what it takes to get him to grow and find a better way.
Thanks again for your thoughts and suggestions. I am definitely open to more ideas!
oh my gosh, my ds is like that now and he is only 4! He is totally no fun to play games with, he has to win or else he gets so mad and even throws the game board!!!  I try to tell him that it is not important to win because we just want to have fun!
I hope he changes when he is older!
From my memories, some of it is expectations. With my kids, it was their (untrue) view of my expectation that they would excell and be "better" than other children, without understanding what I meant by "better", and some of it was peer group expectations about what being the "best" meant. I suggest that is something to explore.
Something that worked sometimes with my sons was to go over an event and try to get that son to put himself in the other child's shoes - how would you feel if someone got angry and threw a ball directly at you and hit you? What would you think about a person who did that to you, or to another kid? But it only worked sometimes, especially as my most competitive son believed (and sometimes still believes) there is only ONE correct/right way to do or be.
Another thing that helped was to talk about another kid my son admired, and try to get him to see that this kid didn't always hit home runs, didn't always catch the ball, didn't always get A on his papers or tests, but my son still admired and looked up to him.... and then explore what it was about this kid that my son admired - was it a personality trait, how he treats other people, etc., etc. You have to pick your model carefully, of course, but are there models among your kid's acquaintance who you think would be good role models and whom your kid admires and respects? If so, try to get your kid to think about what he admires about that person, and how that person might handle the situation.
It's been so long since I've had to deal with this, my memory isn't so good. And fortunately, my most competitive child is married to my wonderful dil, who keeps reminding him he is NOT the center of the universe. One of the many reasons I love her.
Something we sometimes discuss is how everyone has different gifts. There are lots of opportunities to work this in, even in regards to yourself or dh. Good luck! I think you are doing a great job of letting consequences teach him and that is why it is painful now, right now the consequences are that other kids don't like to play with him so much. Ouch!
Thank you everyone for giving me more to think about!
Ginny, I do believe there are some kids that would be good to look to for models. I like that approach a lot. A couple came to mind instantly when reading your post.
I also think your point (and Vicki's as well)about expectations has a lot of validity. He has been singled out for his academic skills for a long time by teachers, peers, and yes, us. He also is looked to at school for being a good athlete. He has been recognized in different areas for excelling. So yes, I do believe his esteem has come to rely heavily on being recognized. Interesting. I am going to think more on that.
We have done the "how did the other kids feel" talk as well as the "different gifts" talk many times. It's like he *knows* it but his emotions get going and it all goes out the window. KWIM? We have been working on "pressing his pause button" which means when he feels his emotions rising he needs to stop and think before continuing to act or react. Again, it's something he knows and we are working on, but it's really hard to put into practice when the emotions are soaring.
I am really glad I asked you ladies about this. Thanks!
What about having him help out other younger children? Instead of the emphasis on him playing, the emphasis would be less about him and helping out someone else? Maybe there is something in your area where he could be a mini coach? I can't think of something specific, but it brings to mind if a child is getting angry about what he doesn't have, then bring him to a soup kitchen and start putting the emphasis on others and giving and maybe that attitude would change. I wish I had more advice!
I have a 4 year old that likes to win too! We've decided we aren't going to let her everytime, just so she can start getting angry now. (& she does!) Hang in there!
Melanie, one of the problems for kids who excel in one or more areas is that the people around them - especially the adults - also expect this child to be more mature. After all, if he can read/do math/think/play ball on a level 2-3 years older than he is, he should act 2-3 years older than he is. Which is just so much baloney. A 9.5 year old boy (4th grade, I am guessing, or maybe 5th) who is reading on a 7th grade level and playing ball as well as 7th and 8th graders is still a 9.5 year old kid. I don't know why - well actually, I do know why adults do this to kids, and I really wish they'd think about it and stop.
Eve, there is a program at the school where the older kids all have "little buddies" in the younger grades. He is also always helping and looking out for Peyton. He is a very thoughtful and kind child...when the competitive side isn't activated.
Ginny, when Alec was in second grade, he had a teacher I just loved. She had been a teacher for thirty years and really knew her stuff. I often hear her voice in my head saying, "You know, in the end they all turn out just fine." She actually pointed out that kids who are advanced academically are often times behind emotionally. So that can certainly be what we are seeing with him. I don't think his teachers have ever expected more out of him socially than what is age appropriate for the simple fact that it is an incredibly small school (119 students in K-6) with only 7 teachers and all the teachers know all the kids, regardless of their grade. So they have all been aware of his personality since K. His emotional maturity is without a doubt behind that of his peers.
I am jumping in at the end of a discussion but perhaps you could go back to the board games, we had to do this with our son. We talked about how to be a good winner and a good loser. Tell him the game is to practice being a good winner and looser. Keep reminding him through the game and make sure you do win a few times. Let him know that it is hard for adults to do this. I am very competative myself and I have to really concentrate not to get out of sorts when things don't go my way. I am a big believer in roll playing, it is the best way to change any behavior.
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