Cutting
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my 15yo admitted to cutting to someone on the bus this morning and they reported it to the school. 15yo called me from school to tell me before someone else did (from the counselor's office). what would you do about this? does anyone else have a child that is or has been a cutter? this is all new to me and i'm kind of numb and at a total loss.
I would go in to the school and talk to the counselor first! They probably have some insight to what step is best to take next. If not then I would definitely find your kid a counselor ASAP they are telling someone because they know they need help make sure they get what they need. Don't pressure them to talk to you just make sure they are talking to someone who can help. Talking to a parent about a problem can be very hard especially if they want you to be proud of them.
Good luck and many many...
I haven't dealt with this specific problem, but my dd did have some anxiety-related issues that she needed counseling for. Ditto Tara, talk to the school counselor and go from there. Just make sure you daughter knows you love her no matter what, and that you will do everything you can to see that she gets the help she needs. ((((Hugs))))
Wow, I have heard of people cutting themselves to deal with things, but never others. I have no idea what to say except you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Many hugs. No experience, but as already shared above, I too have had to go thru anxiety issues with my DD a few years ago. She was young, but no matter the age, it is scarry for the parent. We love our kids so much and hate to see them hurting.
Tara gave great advice, I think.
Vicki, I think she is just cutting herself. She admitted to cutting *to* someone.
Oh... now that I read slower it does say that! So sorry!
Get your child in counseling now - it will not stop on its own. My sister and one of my DD's are cutters, it doesn't go away. The issues that are causing the cutting need to be dealt with, it will get worse. The pain of the actual cutting relieves the emotional pain the person is feeling. It's a temporary fix. A dangerous one - one that could accidentally end up causing serious bleeding. Cutters do not necessarily mean to cut themselves to the extent that they will bleed to death, or to the extent that it is an actual suicide attempt, but cutting in *just* the right (or wrong) place could make it so. And it IS a definite cry for help.
Talking to your child about it will not make it stop either. BTDT. DO keep the lines of communications open, do NOT make your child feel guilty, your child is suffering emotionally and that is why this happens. Try to remain calm when you talk to your child about it, assure your child you love him/her, let your child know that everyone feels emotional pain at some time, but this is not a healthy way to deal with it, so you need a professional to help with this.
You might want to check your child's arm/hands/torso, etc. for scarring. It is progressive. A cutter will use anything available to cut with - nail clippers, razor blades (they take apart the disposable razors and remove the blades easily), pieces of glass, staples, paper clips, scissors, thumb tacks, the cutting edge on tape or foil dispensers, anything that is sharp that will cut their skin, etc. There are many seemingly innocent household items that are used for cutting. And the cutter will make up reasons to explain the cuts - such as cat scratches, scratches from shrubs, etc., falling, scratching themselves reaching for or behind objects - really anything so you won't know.
It may have been going on for a while and you were completely unaware. That is what happens in many/most cases. And of course, we all want to believe what our kids tell us, so we don't initially question where all the scratches/cuts are coming from.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling. I was SOO incredibly ignorant about this and I missed the signs too, and even when I realized what was happening, I was in denial about it. Getting angry does NOT help, it only makes things worse.
Best advice I can give you - make sure your child knows you love him/her and get some professional help NOW.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I have nothing to add, other than my support as well as my thoughts and prayers.
Please get your dd into a counselor. She may be able to learn better coping techniques. I was a cutter and still have trouble NOT doing it. It really does feel good when you are hurting so badly on the inside to find some kind of outlet for the pain. Ditto Karen about lying to explain the scratches and cuts. My dh was unaware for months, due to my explanations. You have my sympathy and hugs, Anon.
i talked to 15yo's counselor at school, who thinks it's just 15yo either trying to get attention or for the "shock factor". we're going to keep an eye on 15yo and i am going to talk to the doctor (we already have an appointment this friday). thank you all for sharing and for the support. the counselor did say the cuts were very superficial. we'll see what the doctor says.
Anon, most often the cuts ARE very superficial. That is one reason they can be so easily explained away as something else. Cutters don't normally cut deep enough to require stitches, that is not the intent. The mere act of cutting, feeling the pain of something cutting the skin is the release of emotional pain. And my DD did and still does things *just for the shock factor*, as did my sister. Please don't just write this off as doing something for shock. Please try to talk to your child and check your child's body for any other scars. Many cutters tend to cut in a particular area for a time.
HOPEFULLY this is not - nor will it be - an ongoing thing. But please, take it seriously - denial is a very easy reaction to allow yourself to have. Take it from a parent who has BTDT with a child. I am not saying that your child is lying, however, a cutter WILL lie, or fib or just omit truths to hide the fact that he/she is cutting.
Please let us know what the doctor says.
I must admit that I am kind of surprised by the school counselors reply about this. It is not something I would take lightly or assume is attention seeking or shock effect behavior.
Maybe that is why I am not a school counselor though. LOL In any case, I would be watching it VERY closely and talking with the doctor about it Friday!
it almost seems like 15yo is doing this just to spite dh and me, or as a power/control thing. we'll see what the doctor says.
my sister is a cutter she is in counseling called dbt get your daughter into it if possible and are you taking her to a regular doctor or a psychologist/psychiatrist? i'm not sure that a regular doctor will know what to do but i guess maybe they can give a referral.Good luck and hugs
I have really been thinking about this.... without knowing more about your family dynamics I think it is even harder to try to figure out.
But it seems to me that there would be easier, less painful ways to spite your parents or play the power control game. If there is anything else going on in your home, even if it involves a sibling of this child, I would not be so quick to dismiss it. Even if it is only a way to seek attention, you need to figure out just why this child is seeking it. Like I said, it might not even be directly about this child, but a reaction to something that is going on with another child in the home.
I really hope that you get it all figured out. I have been thinking of you! Keep us updated!
I'm definitely not saying this is your daughter, but I've been around a few high school kids that talk about "Emo kids", which is short of "emotional". The kids say that the Emo kids brag about cutting themselves in private areas. (as well as others.)
Here is a YouTube link to a news story about Emo kids. They don't mention cutting themselves in "private" areas but the kids I talk to say that it's a trend in the school with Emo kids.
Emo kids
My sister used to cut on her chest/breasts. She's had years of therapy. She is finally not cutting. But she is 50 now. And she is very inhibited about the scarring she caused on her body. I don't know if breasts are considered *private parts* or not.
Please, again, I am *begging you*, don't take this lightly. When DD did this, I rationalized, believed her excuses, and was in complete and total denial. It hurts, and is a shock, to accept to the reality that your child is in emotional pain over something that is great enough to cause them to further injure themselves. DD also told me she knew exactly what to tell the doctor to *fool* him into believing she was past that.
At the very least it's a cry for attention and help. You need to find out the *whys* that are behind it. Most cutters do so as a direct result of childhood trauma.
my sister also is very good at faking she acts all good when she's not sometimes.
One of the things I have read about people who cut themselves is that they are in so much pain from things they can't control, that the cutting is something they can control. I agree with those who say counseling, as quickly as possible. I think the counselor is stupid or ill-informed or unqualified, or all three. Any form of self-abuse must be taken seriously, even if the cuts are "small".
Ditto Ginny 100%.
Heidi, I had similar thoughts on the "emo" kids. This "group" has been fairly large in our community for years and from the things the kids (mine and church) have shared with us cutting yourself is a part of being "IN" with this "group".
Many of the kids from this "group", brag and want to discuss their cutting in great detail with everyone. Some of the "other" kids think it is because of the shock factor. There was a girl in DD's history class that would expose her cuts and make them bleed in class and laugh about it when the "other" kids would get annoyed with her. They also congregate in a big group and disrupt classes, the flow in the hallways, etc. to get the "other" kids fired up. They call themselves the only individuals, dress in all dark colors and walk around depressed.
We have a couple of girls at our church that were a part of this movement and cutting themselves was the least of the things this "group" encouraged them to do. They would steal from stores and their families, they both were involved in using drugs, both of them smoke, they had random sex, and attended sex parties, both have been dxed HPV positive. They also were talked into pulling away from their families and any one that wasn't apart of this "group". The "group" became their whole lives. The one girls parents got her help, her parents and the girl went to her friends parents, and as part of their counseling they joined our church. Relearning how to make positive friends, positive choices, safe place to make mistakes and learn.
If it is because she is a part of this social group, wants to be, or if this is a totally individual thing it doesn't matter. She is crying out for attention/help and going about it all wrong. She needs the help of a professional to figure out why and where things are going in her life, that this would be an acceptable choice to her.
And Anon. You are in my thoughts. If only we knew what being a mother would do to our hearts...
Bobbie, I had to roll my eyes when I saw the part about the Emos calling themselves the only "individuals." How unique is it to follow the herd and dress in all black, listen to Emo music, and cut yourself? Teenagers are so insane. And the two girls being HIV positive because of the stupid behavior? How horribly sad. If only kids understood how dangerous these behaviors are...
Anon, I had a close friend who was a cutter in HS. This was before there were Emo kids, but cutting was still a fairly common problem, esp among teen girls. In my friend's case, she was a competitive gymnast, her mom was bulimic, she was also bulimic, and was depressed about a lot of things. She also needed/wanted attention, and would do destructive things to get it, because her mom was so wrapped up in her own problems that she didn't pay attention to her daughter's issues. There are so many things that can lead a person to cutting, and sometimes it ends up being a phase or temporary situation, but sometimes it goes on for years, maybe life, and can accompany other issues. (Like my friend, being a cutter and bulimic, both self-destructive) I hope you and your family can get through this, and that your daughter gets better. ((((HUGS))))
Crys, that was HPV not HIV... Easy mistake. 
I have issues with the "uniqueness" belief too. Conformity is common place among all social groups. You are either the leader of the social group or a follower with in the group, both conform to one extreme or another. They have to, to remain in, and be accepted by the group they have to meet the expectations of the group. Do what they want/do or you are outcast and anyone in/around a group long enough knows what the group does to people they cast off. So, despite what your inner voice says, despite what others might say (you have changed etc), you move forward with the expectations of that group. Self preservation. "Queen Bee's and Wanna Be's" covers this very topic, it is such a prevalent thing that there have been case studies on such behaviors for decades.
Anon, sorry for highjacking your thread.. You continue to be in my thoughts. ((HUGS))
we had a Christmas potluck tonight and 15yo was showing off the cuts to everyone that would look saying, "i'm going to keep doing this. i like it." i don't know what to do with this kid anymore! like i said, we see the doctor tomorrow. i'm really afraid he'll put 15yo in the hospital. i want my child to get help, but i also want my child home for Christmas. 
Oh wow, Bobbie, I must have been tired when I was reading that! I think my brain saw sex and cutting/blood, and jumped to HIV. Still, HVP might not be deadly, but it's an awful disease. Poor girls...
OP, it sounds like she is doing it for the attention. Most cutters hide it, so no one will try and stop them, because they feel they need the release of the physical pain. My friend was a lot like that, showed off sometimes, and like I said, I think her cutting was the result of too much pressure, and not enough attention, so she was acting out to get any attention she could. We (her group of friends) would freak out, until we started to realize she was intentionally getting "caught" or just plain showing us so we would get upset. Do tell your doctor, I doubt he will hospitalize her unless he feels she is a serious danger to herself, but he will probably get her started in therapy ASAP. I'm sure he will be very careful with that decision, knowing being away from family at the holidays could make things worse unless absolutely necessary. As her mother, I'm pretty sure you can refuse to hospitalize her, if he recommends that, until after the holidays, but of course you should be ABSOLUTELY sure she won't really hurt herself. Just hang in there, we're here for you.
My heart just breaks for you. Prayers your child gets the help she needs and she is open to healing.
Anon, I suggest you look at her groups - who is she friends with at school and outside of school. This could be, though it isn't necessarily, part of a peer/group think such as the one Bobbie described.
That is what I am getting from it too, Ginny. Most cutters have shame associated with the act. They get upset cut and then feel ashamed of it so they hide it. Which is why they cut where it is easily hidden, they tend to over dress to make sure the cuts, scabs, scars won't be noticed. They cut breast, upper/inner thighs, upper/inner arms, abdomen cuts are common. Places no one will easily see. Most true cutters act normal in social settings, cutting is their secret, and they would not announce to a random social group, this is their addiction and they don't want stopped.
OP, my concern is that no matter what this needs to be taken seriously. IF she makes a mistake and cuts too deep she could kill herself, even if the cut only starts out as an attention seeking act. She can also give her self infections in the cut area and even into her blood stream. Your DD clearly needs some help.. My concern is children that act out like this tend to increase their behaviors. They expose themselves and often get wrapped up in other attention seeking addictions. Drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing... Anything that would get them into trouble, negative attention is better then none.
Look into her social group... and I don't think they will put her in the hospital. She is cutting for attention, not trying to kill herself...
((((BIG HUGS))))
dh took 15yo to the doctor this afternoon and he agrees with the counselor-it's an attention getting tactic and we should ignore it (yes, this is a psychiatrist and 15yo has been seeing him for over 4 years). there are many other issues with 15yo and the doctor wants me to get an application in for ssi for 15yo with his (doctor's) name and number on it so they can call him. dh is no help, he just likes to tell me "...this is what you need to do..." gee, thanks. meanwhile, 15yo is adamant that the cutting will continue because "it makes me feel better." this is so stressful...
meanwhile, 15yo is adamant that the cutting will continue because "it makes me feel better."
THAT is why I don't think it's just an attention getting method or to spite you. Ask any cutter - WHEN they cut, it makes them feel better - at the time.
Oh please, don't minimize this.
I agree with Karen and I am shocked and would be getting a second opinion pronto. The whole makes me feel better comment is chilling to me.
Is this the same 15yo who was having trouble getting homework done? I think I'd be getting a second opinion as well. All the people who are supposed to help you, keep blowing you off.
Dawn, I am pretty sure it is.. That was my thought when I read the first post on this thread.
he didn't offer alternative ways to "make her feel better?" that are more lifelong? i second the second opinion...
get him/ her to the emergency room i wouldn't care if they weren't home for christmas as long as they are home sometime in the future.
I used to cut myself as a teenager. I was depressed. People do it for the natural pain killers. or may be to feel some something... Maybe to see if anyone notices.
I think maybe if some tells someone they are cutting then they may want to stop cutting.
I still pick at my left cuticle on my thumb. If I am very upset all my cuticles will be bleeding. Happens very rarely now. Silly I know. Usually when I can't express my feelings because I don't want to hurt or offend the other person. But maybe I wish the other person gets the hint because I have to wrap my hand in a tissue because my finger tips are bleeding. But it really is very ineffective. Does nothing at all. This happen to me is very much like biting nails and picking at cuticles.
Usually a therapist will help with something like that.
Give the person an outlet for their feelings.
If someone is doing it at their wrist it is a cry for attention daring someone to notice them or their feelings.
People will lie if asked about it saying the gummy bracelet did it or the cat scratched them.
People very very rarely notice it and always accept that the cat scratched you. People don't look close at other people unless it is a boyfriend.
I don't think it is a way to be mean to you and your husband. I think she is trying to control her own feelings.
They say it is an attention getting practice but no one every notices. Maybe a boyfriend will notice. People are too busy with their own lifes.
You might get a blood infection from picking constantly at your cuticles or cutting.
I had a teenage friend who was cutting. She was depressed.... She felt bad about herself. Her mom had a new boyfriend.
There probably is a difference in someone who talks about cutting and shows people the cuts and someone who just does it to see if anyone notices it and someone who does it where someone is unlikely to notice a cut. I don't know what the difference is though.
It is good she is in therapy. You can't stop her from cutting. I would be nice to her which I am sure you are and see if she likes her therapist. What more can you do?
Ask her if there is something you can do to help her?
There is so many ways to hurt yourself as we all know.
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