Thoughts about toddlers and discipline
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2005:
Thoughts about toddlers and discipline
For those of you with toddlers around this age (or when they were), what forms of discipline/correction did you use? Natalie's big issues right now are a)throwing a fit when she doesn't get her way; and b)hitting when she's mad. The hitting is isolated and CAN be a problem, but it's not a constant battle or anything.
For fits and not getting her way, we simply ignore and walk off. It works. Her screams will last about 2min. max and then she gets up and moves on. For hitting (which we feel is a major infraction) we hold her hands, say "Don't hit Mommy/Daddy" in a harsh voice and stern face. Sometimes that's all it takes. Other times it doesn't phase her and at that point we put her down, leave the room, whatever we have to do to get away from her until she settles down and is nice again. That always works for her.
I'm asking because our ped (the one I've mentioned before and the one we won't be going to anymore) has really gotten our goat about something. He insisted to us that ignoring and redirection is NOT going to work anymore, and that we must either spank or do time-out. These literally were his words. Now we're questioning how we do things, even though I know that's stupid!
I'm really okay with both, although I'm not a fan of spanking for a number of reasons. Natalie has never been spanked or had a time-out yet. We feel that what we're doing is working for her and that she is well-behaved for her age. I know that she is going to be getting into more and more mischief soon enough.
We actually feel pretty confident about how we will handle things with her, and we know it will be a learning experience. We also feel like things are going just fine the way they are now. I guess he's just such a pr**k that I feel like proving him wrong in my own mind. He was actually quite condescending and implied that we would have to make one of those choices or would have a heethan on our hands in no time. How ridiculous is that?!!
I know all children are different and that no one thing works all the time. I always felt very proficient in the area of discipline as a K teacher with some of the worst behaved children you could meet. As parents now though, I guess I'm always rethinking myself and making sure that at least in our minds now that we are making the right choices for our daughter.
The ped acts like there's 2 choices in this world. How do you feel about what he said? What do/did you do in this age range?
I cannot believe that a doctor actually said that!! You're very wise to not go back!!
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job with Natalie. By walking away you're not reinforcing her negative behaviour, so she gets bored and moves on. That's exactly what you want to happen.
Keep up the great work, and don't give that so called doc a second thought!
What a jerk for a dr. I did exactly what you were doing - walking away or ignoring any fit - unless it was in public, in that case we left wherever it was we were at, immediately. Hitting - I only had one who hit and I would just hold her hand and touch my face softly with it and say "nice". It worked for my kids and if you feel it's working for you then you should follow your instincts.
Medical school, and even a residency in pediatrics, does not make a doctor an expert on child discipline - obviously. I suspect that a kindergarten teacher is much more of an expert on effective child discipline than most pediatricians, as most pediatricians don't have to discipline any children other than their own - only pontificate on it.
I would certainly not take my child to a doctor who is condescending to me, as that doctor's behaviour would destroy my trust in the doctor's judgment and my expectation that the doctor would listen to and hear me.
My advice - listen to your instincts and trust your extensive experience, which seem to be working quite well (Yes, I know it's different when it's your own), and change pediatricians.
I did what you did, ignored and walked away. There were very few occasions where she did get a spanking but for about 90% of the time, ignoring her worked best. We don't have that problem now. It slowly diminished after she turned 2.
With hitting, I will admit that she did try to hit DH and I twice in her life. Both times she got a stern swat her on hand and a very stern "No". I think she was too scared to try after that because it never became a problem again.
Spanking works with a us as a form of last resort punishment for something she does repeatedly or something that can put her in danger. I'm noticing as she gets older, we spank less and less and she listens more and more. She is a VERY well behaved child for her age. Not sure if spanking contributed to that, but it always leaves me to wonder. 
Do what *you* feel is right. That is all that matters. If it works in your household, who cares what anyone else says.
Really the only thing I have to add is you will know and each child is different.
One child I have is very difficult, we have had to spank her, we have had to physically restrain her, time outs were worthless and walking away meant she hurt herself or broke something. But we KNEW when we had to do this, it wasn't something that happened over night. She is almost 12 now and she is fine (well as fine as a preteen can be). She is still my most "agressive" we do remind her often to check her emotions. My boys are much easier when it comes to discipline, with the youngest if I look at him wrong he cries
We do pretty much the same as you, fits we ignore and walk away. I think it's important not to make a big deal about walking away, just go about your business and ignore her. Hitting we try re-direction, I say "nice, nice" or "give mommy hugs". Sometimes when he is being too aggressive and does not listen I give a mini-time out. I just sit him down on his bum where ever we might be. He hates it so much it usually works. Most of the time now I just say "Mommy is going to sit you on your bum" and he will stop. Most of the time .
I also think consistency in your disipline is key, make sure you both do the same thing for each behaviour every time.
As for your doctor it sounds to me he is much too involved in your personal at home life. I never discuss behavioural issues with my doc. He's a Family doctor not a Ped. maybe that's the difference I don't know.
Does your doctor had kids? What a nut.
We tell Connor "No, we do not hit." With a stern voice, and we point to his hand so he knows what we are talking about. Then, we put him in a corner (the same one each time).
He throws a fit for about 30 seconds but we ignore him completely. He's lowered the amount of hitting considerably.
It's hard at this age...and, it seems kind of obscene (unless it's a safety issue and they totally understand what they've done wrong) to spank them or hit them and tell them "no hitting". Seems quite confusing.
I totally agree Heidi!
Our ped has 4 kids, BTW. Go figure.
We really only went back to him one more time because of issues with switching and immunizations with regard to our insurance. Since this was our last set of shots for a while, we thought we would tough it out and go one more time to him just so we didn't have any issues with shots being covered. We're sooooo excited to change doctors!!!
Thanks for all of the confidence ladies. You are really supportive.
Wow, I've never heard of a ped recommending spanking! Hmmm. I would be pretty shocked myself. I highly recommend this book :Magic for Early Childhood. It was a life saver in our house at one point. In fact, I think I need to start reading again. Our house was so calm them! I felt like my DH and I had a plan and we had an idea of what we needed to do. Now, DD is onto us--she's really acting up since we've stopped. They are too smart! Anyway, I loved this book. It felt like a handbook for me and was highly motivating. I felt in control and calm. I can't say enough good about it. Maybe your library has it.
Reds - try some googling on positive discipline. And I found a lot of help in Barbara Coloroso's 'Kids Are Worth It!'.
I say that next time you see that doctor you should put him over your knee!
Dawn, did you ever watch that video? I think every parent should see it. I can't tell you how many times I've said "If it's not life threatening and it's not morally threatening, don't worry about it!"
My DS went through a hitting stage at about 18m - we did the quick, stern "no hitting" remark and then did not make a big deal out of it - we didn't want him to think that his hitting was a big, big deal and therefore gave him some power! Anyway, it took about 3 weeks of consistantcy and he stopped. Now, he is almost 26mo and we do an occaisional 2m time out for infractions such as being rough with the pets. He gets a warning first. I am a SuperNanny fan - and have tried to model the time outs after hers. They seem to be effective - he doesn't like them and seems to understand why he is there after I explain in simple terms. Most of all - for this age - we are trying to pick our battles. If he doesn't want to wear his bib at dinner some nights.... that is not worth a struggle to me!
LOL,
Amy
Mom to Garrett - 25.5mo
Dawn, did you ever watch that video? I think every parent should see it. I can't tell you how many times I've said "If it's not life threatening and it's not morally threatening, don't worry about it!"
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LOL! Never watched the video but my copy of the book has that passage highlighted again and again.
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