It is endless. How do I stop her from asking me for things everyday? Is their a way or is there a way I can deal with it better. It's driving me up the walls. I don't want to buy her anything, even a warm jacket LOL, because I know tomorrow it's going to be something else.

She babysits, some and gets $10. a week for an allowance. She can also do extra chores for extra money however she usually does a sloppy job so we bicker over that as well.

Help! How I wish she was 4 again!

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, October 18, 2005 - 09:03 pm:

I don't have one that age yet and believe me I am not envious but this is what we do with ours. Special gifts are for birthdays and Christmas, they get nothing else in between UNLESS they save the money themselves. There is no listening to I wants because the reply is "do you want it enough to buy it yourself?" Of course I am talking about toys and I am sure your daughter is after clothes but the same principal should apply. I also had a friend in Jr. High and High School and since she was in 6th grade her parents got her a checkbook and they would put $400 in the bank at the start of the school year and that is what she had. When it was gone, it was gone she got no more. It helped her learn to keep up with money and to decide if what she wanted was worth it.

Good Luck, again not envious at all.

By Beth on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 10:33 am:

I think if she has that much allowance and babysitting money that she has enough to buy her own things. When we recently went to Disney both my dk's had there own spending money. My dd 4 really suprised me. When she saw things she wanted. I would simply say well you have your money. She would change her mind real quick. I honestly did not think she was ever going to spend it. But on the last day she finally bought some souveniors. But it really made both my kids think that they had to make choices with there own money. I would start telling her everytime she asks use your money and she should get sick of asking after awhile. She has way more spending money then I have sometimes now! Its a difference if you see a definate need. But then its bought on your terms.

By Sunny on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 11:14 am:

Well, when one of my kids tells me they 'need' this or that, I tell them they 'need' the necessities - food, water and oxygen. Wanting and needing are two different things. I also use the phrase "we'll see" a lot, and the kids have learned that nine times out of ten, that means no.

Depending on my mood, and the item in question, I do one of three things: tell them to work for it and buy it themsleves, tell them that I will get for them for their birthday, Christmas, etc. or I will start singing to them "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need" I have been singing that song to them for so long that they all know that no matter how much they ask or plead or beg, I won't give in. As a matter of fact, it shuts them up pretty quick! LOL

Sometimes I do give in and buy some luxury they ask for, but on my terms and because I'm feeling generous. It's not a regular thing and they know the more they ask for something (or the more things they want), the less likely I'll be to say yes to anything. My 13 yr old wants a fish tank. Not a big deal if you think about it, but this is the same child who has in the past wanted a rabbit, skunk, newt, horse, cat, dog, you name it, he's asked for it. His desires and interests change from week to week! If it is that important to them, they better be prepared to put up the money. (And my 13 yr old has decided a fish tank is important, so guess who is saving his money?)

By Conni on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 02:04 pm:

My 11 yo and 13 yo have savings accts. If they want something bad enough they can pull the money out of their acct and buy it themselves. My ds wanted a cell phone last yr for Christmas... I bought one for him with the agreement that HE pays the bill each month. We went with a pay as you go plan. By August he was so sick of paying for his phone minutes he offered the phone to his younger brother!!! ROFL!!! It is nice that he can call me on field trips and let me know he is ok and they are on the way home, etc... (at the football field he calls me to find out where I am sitting or where I am parked, etc... so it is nice!)

Having to pay for it yourself really makes you stop and think about it before you buy it.

A few weeks ago my ds decided he needed to start wearing Abercrombie clothes and cologne...Yeah right!

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 02:28 pm:

My 4 yo dd already has that issue. Going to Wal-mart can drive me nuts at times. Usually I'll buy her something while I'm there so I let her pick. I tell her going in to the store that I'll buy her 1 thing. If she picks a necklace and then sees a stuffed dog, I tell her to make up her mind which one she wants the most. And that goes on all during the store. She's happy cause she gets something. I'm happy cause I don't have to keep saying no or buying a ton of junk. And even at 4, she helps out with stuff around the house and in the garden, etc. so I don't feel like I'm just spoiling her. She is a good kid. Sometimes she'll start with a $5 Littlest Pet Shop toy and wind up with a pack of gum. But it was her choice.

For your dd maybe have her sit down and keep a list of all the "must haves". Then tell her to pick the one most important and work for it or maybe work for half and you pay half depending on the need/want of the item.

By Bemerry84 on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 03:21 pm:

This is too funny, I have a 14 yr old DS who does the same thing. He has a savings account and has to save for the things he wants, we take care of the needs. He does not get an allowance but earns money doing things for us (cut grass, shovel snow, clean room, babysit his little brother, etc.) and others and saves gift money and always seems to have it. We went to ToysRUs one day he wanted to buy a hand held gaming system and we were there for over an hour while he tried to make the decision if he wanted to spend the money or not, we walked out without buying a thing. A couple weeks later he ended up buying a Toshiba laptop. I was very proud of him for making a wise decision. IMO if they have to spend their own money they think twice. Another thing I do is if he wants a certain brand of shoes or clothing, I will pay what I would normally spend and he pays the remainder. His favorite clothing store is PacSun $$$$, if he wants a hoodie and needs it I kick in $20 and he pays the rest, this works well for us. Good Luck!!!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 08:19 pm:

I didn't read everything above, but having raised four kids, 2 of them girls who seem to ALWAYS *have* to have something, I will tell you what I did, with all 4 of them. I bought them the necessities first. *IF* there was money for extras, then sometimes they got and sometimes they didn't.

You need to establish YOUR bottom line on this one. Decide what you are willing to pay for, and just tell her. And if something she wants isn't covered in that, then if she wants it, SHE has to pay for it. With Jules & Jen, they always wanted the expensive jeans. With Jeff, it was Doc Martens. I paid up to a certain amount because (a) it was what I could afford, and (b) I refuse to pay those prices for jeans or shoes for a growing child. If they could come up with the difference, then they could have it, if not, then they had to make do with what *I* could afford.

They will ALWAYS be asking for something new or different. And with girls, it's worse, because they always want what their friends have, or their friends' friends have. And, unfortunately, with girls, you will have to hear about it over and over too. So set your limits, make sure your child(ren) understand them, and stick to it. OH - and good luck!

By Mommmie on Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 08:55 pm:

Maybe you can up her allowance to $15/week and then let her buy her "wants" and you scale back on her "needs."

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 10:59 am:

I've been thinking about this. My first thought is, $10 a week isn't a lot these days. What does that $10 cover - are school transportation and lunch covered separately? Even if they are, a coke after school with friends is - what - probably $1.50 minimum, so $10 doesn't go very far. How much babysitting does she do and how much money does she get from it in an average month?

I did something like Karen did - here is what I intend to pay for your jeans; if you want the name brand, you add to it out of your pocket.

I also started say "no" pretty early on (had to, we were usually fairly broke) and taught my kids the difference between necessities (need) and luxuries (want). They did get some luxuries, but not many, and it was an extra, a treat.

I suggest you first think about what she is expected to cover out of the $10, and how much she earns with her babysitting, and see if that is a reasonable amount to cover her basic socializing with her friends and a couple of not too costly purchases a month for herself. If it isn't, then you and dh need to think about increasing her allowance if you can.

Second, I suggest you have a heart to heart with her and explain that (1) her constantly asking for things really turns you off to the point where you don't even want to think about getting necessities for her, so she had better stop the begging, whining and nagging (which is what it is) if she wants you to keep an open mind about her requests; (2) she needs to prioritize between "need" and "want" and realize that the want/luxury stuff is not a necessity, even if all her friends have it; and (3) negotiate how you will handle her requests for want/luxury items after all the need/necessity items are taken care of.

I resented my parents not getting me things like the other kids had, and it was only when I got to be 17 or 18 that I realized my folks were pretty poor, and often broke. When I was a single mom with a somewhat circumscribed income, and my kids got to the age where they understood money stuff (around 9 or 10), I would sit down a couple of times a year with a ledger sheet of: here is what my income is; here is what goes for taxes; here is rent/mortgage, utilities, transportation; here is groceries, necessary clothing; and here is what is left. When they realized that there wasn't a whole lot of discretionary money, they stopped asking for a whole lot of things and were a lot more careful in how they took care of their possessions. It is important for kids to understand the difference between a salary of, say $50,000 before taxes, etc. and what is actually left after all the MUST PAY stuff is taken care of. I also think it is very important for kids to learn financial facts of life as early as possible, partly to stop the buy-me/give-me/I-want kind of stuff - as the posters above have pointed out with their own examples.

By Eve on Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 11:09 am:

I guess my question would be what is she asking for? If it's something you feel she doesn't "need", then just say no. If she persists then I would tell her she can do some extra chores to earn some money. You said she doesn't do a good job all the time, then she doesn't get paid or gets half the amount until it's done right. I have no trouble saying no to my DD. I found that I was getting her something little in every store we went into and I thought that wasn't the best example to set. You're DD will be fine if you say no. She may be upset, but I think that's good sometimes. Stay strong!

By Annie2 on Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 09:56 pm:

Thanks everyone! After reading your posts I will chock this up to being an age appropriate behavior. UuuGGh! The teenage years are challenging to parent!

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 08:18 am:

I agree, Annie, what your dd is doing is "age appropriate" behavior. My point was that it isn't really "appropriate" behavior, and while it is normal, she should learn not to behave this way. All of the posters above said, in one way or another, that your dd should hear "no" (and, I suggest, "and I mean no and don't want to hear it again"), and that you should work with her on learning to tell the difference between "need" and "want" and tell her that she must spend her own money on her must-have wants - which will help her learn decision-making as she contemplates whether this particular must-have is something she really, really wants to spend her own money on.

My personal opinion is that we should give our children as many decision-making opportunities as possible while we are in a position to help them pick up the pieces if the decision wasn't a good one, rather than making all their decisions for them until they are suddenly out in the real world without having developed that skill. I don't for a minute think that you are not helping your daughter learn decision-making, or that you make all or most of her decisions for her. That is not something you have said, and getting to know you from all of your posts, I don't think that is something you do. I am just pointing out that this debate - one we all get into with our adolescent and teenage children - is another opportunity to help our children learn lessons in decision-making.