Okay most of you have heard one story or another about my dd Jordan (12 tomorrow) in the past. I am having a lot of problems and I don’t know what to do next. I took her in April to a child psychiatrist that confirmed the ADHD dx and added a depression dx. Told me to find her a therapist to let her talk things out. She has been going to therapy about every 2 weeks since the end of April. I have seen NO change except that she seems to have gotten over her little depression.

Here is a few examples of what is going on.

1. She doesn’t care about anything at all. For example, I tell her to go upstairs and take a shower every night. Every night (well most) she gets in and gets wet and doesn’t use soap or wash herself or her hair. She is always dirty and it doesn’t bother her at all. I tell her that people are going to start making fun of her and that doesn’t matter to her either. The only time she actually takes a shower and washes everything is when I let her try first then she comes down and I inspect and she does it again and we keep doing that until she is clean. She is getting too old for me to sit in the bathroom with her to make sure that she washes herself.

2. She doesn’t do any homework unless I stand over her and I have to know before hand what homework she has or she just lies and tells me that she doesn’t have any. Her teachers are being pretty helpful after some prodding about her 504. But I am having a really hard time and getting frustrated with having to make sure she does it.

3. She lies about everything! I mean everything. She was home sick on Wed with Strep Throat and I called to check on her not long after DH left for work (she was home alone a total of 4 hours because I went in early and left early and dh went in really late. I called to check on her and she asked me about giving the cat some catnip. I told her no she didn’t know how much or how to do it and I would show her when I got home. So she took it upon herself to not only give the cat some catnip but to cover her and most of the surfaces in my house with it (it was a pretty big bag) and even tried to feed it to the cat. She didn’t try to hide that she had done it she just flat out lied when I asked about the catnip everywhere that she didn’ t do it. That is just the tip of the iceburg so to speak of her lying.

4. She does things that not even a 4 year old would do because they know better and she seems shocked when I tell her that is not how things are done anywhere. If she eats say a piece of candy while in the living room the wrapper is dropped on the floor where she is. If I go back later and tell her “Jordan you need to pick that up and throw it away” she might after being told 4 or 5 times pick it up and she might either put it on the counter or on the trash can lid or occasionally she will actually put it in the trash can, but that is very rare. This is the smallest of tasks and that is just the beginning, if I ask her to do something more like pick up her stuff that she has left all over the living room she will maybe move one or 2 things but doesn’t actually put the stuff away. She has cleaned her room one time in her life and it only took being grounded to it for the majority of 3 months to get it done. I have tried giving her small tasks to start off with like go pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper and she still can’t even finish a task like that on her own. And the time she did clean her room I sat in there with her and told her what to do with each item but I didn’t do any of it myself which is normally what I end up doing.

These are just a few small examples of what I go through on a daily basis. She freaks out when the smallest thing doesn’t go her way and sometimes the freak out doesn’t even make sense to what is going on. She will freak out if I catch her in a lie and this is when I tell her that if she comes clean that the punishment will be much less because I already know most of the truth. She will freak out and cry (if you can call that crying it is more like screaming and throwing a temper tantrum but she can’t seem to control herself at all) for the smallest thing and then when I catch her in some huge lie or not doing her homework she acts as if she did nothing wrong and that I am being really horrible for even mentioning it. Her reaction varies from second to second.

Ladies I need some real advice. I am very unhappy with her therapist and her psychiatrist because I don’t think they listen to me or her. I tell them all this stuff and they think that I am exaggerating and only telling them the most horrible stuff but I try to explain this is a typical day at my house. I also think that they don’t give Jordan enough credit for how intelligent she is and how much she plays to what you want to hear. If you start leading her in a direction she will go all the way until you stop her and it is a lot of the time bold faced lies to the point that she can fool my dh frequently and he has lived with her since she was 6 (so 6 years). I don’t know what I need to do and what to ask or even where to start. I do know that I have to wait until the beginning of the year to switch doctors and therapist because of her insurance. I would appreciate any info I can research on where to even start. What kinds of things that I need to ask for when I go to talk to a new doctor and therapist.
I know this is really long winded and if you made it this far I am truly grateful! Thanks in advance!

By the way, any of you BTDTs how do you not let this kind of thing affect your marriage? This is a daily struggle and it is really starting to affect everyone else in the house. We are all starting to get to the point where none of us wants to be around Jordan and we don’t even really want to be around each other either. I am about to lose it, not on her but literally mentally lose it! I am at a total loss!

By Cat on Friday, November 21, 2008 - 12:13 pm:

Tara, email me. cathy liz at com cast dot net

By Tarable on Friday, November 21, 2008 - 02:00 pm:

Cathy, CYE!

By Kaye on Friday, November 21, 2008 - 07:25 pm:

Cat will big a huge resource. But I am going to go ahead a post here

It sounds like to me they have missed her dx. I don't pretend to know what it is. But if it is purely depression, adhd, then then meds aren't right. At the least. I would highly suggest videoing her at some of her antics. If you could figure out a way to do so without her knowing would be best. I would consider scheduling an appointment with her dr, without you to show footage.

A more extreme option, what about Dr Phil?

But probably I would considered looking for a new doc and getting a second opinion.

As for your marriage. I wish I knew the answer. It is exhausting and frustrating to have a child on the edge. This is hard on a marriage and hard on the whole family. Certainly counseling would help, but who has time? I mean really with working and school and her counseling, it seems harded to find one more therapy session. However I think that maybe trying to find some sort of group support, or maybe even doing some sort of book study that you could discuss with your hubby might help. I know for us, I need to be constantly assured that he and I are on the same page. I feel like such a failure of a parent to have such a difficult child. I need him to be on my team and remind me that it isn't something I have done or haven't done. It is so hard, because that is not the message of society.