More teen advice
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Okay...well what I want to hear, is breathe, relax it is okay..LOL
Some history. My daughter this summer met a boy via the phone and a cousin. She has never seen this boy to my knowledge and we live 5 hours away. Earlier I found she was talking to him all hours of the night. We stopped that. She is pretty good with her phone now.
She just started high school is very involved with the band. I know she still talks to this boy, but mostly stays within the limits, she never starts a call after 10, although record show, she isn't so quick to get off all the time (3 times in the past 8 weeks).
I happened to overhear a conversation with this boy tonight. Her explaining how she can't call tomorrow, she is busy, but she will try to call sat. She is at a band competition so it depends on the schedule. And then said "i love you, no i love you more, oh yes I do"
Really?? How do you love someone you have never met? I hate this whole thing. I don't like the idea of a long distance relationship for my 14 year old. He is an 8th grader, but I don't know how old.
I would love some advice. What do I do? This bugs me so much, but in my head I just keep thinking, would I feel better if she was in love with someone from school? Then I would have different issues.
I guess my big worry is if she really thinks she is in love, she has really missed out on how it works. I don't want her to miss out on fun things here because of some phone boyfriend.
Put me at ease, or tell me what to do! I just can't seem to get this out of my head tonight. Thanks!
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I think you have done a good job of setting limits, and it sounds like she has done a pretty good job of following them.
I wouldn't say anything to her, as long as it isn't effecting her school work, or her interacting with friends, etc. Honestly, I know I told boyfriends I loved them when I was in high school. Now that I am older, I realize, I had no clue.
I would just continue to encourage her to get involved in school, which it sounds like she is, and encourage her to hang out with friends. In time, this will pass. I don't know how a long distance relationship can last at her age, especially without ever meeting him.
And, you are right, if he was local, that would bring up a whole other set of problems.
Whatever you do DON'T tell her she doesn't love him. My mom did that when I was 14 and I did a bunch of really stupid things to try to prove it to my mom.
If it were my 14 year old dd (which I do have one) I would probably just make sure that she is still going places and doing things with friends, keep her involved in the band and anything else she is interested in. That was a rule that my mom had for me though out high school. No matter if I had a bf or not I had to do things with just friends too.
And I know plenty of people that met and fell in love with people online so that is just not too much different than doing it on the phone. So it is possible that she thinks she loves him but there is a good chance that it is the same kind of "first love" lots of teens have and when we grow up and look back you know that it was not "true love"
Good luck!
Breathe. Relax. It is okay.
Is this her first "boyfriend"? What an exciting and unknown territory for her AND a nerve-wracking and terrifying time for you!
The only advice I can give you is to acknowledge her feelings, be there for her when she needs you and deal with each new circumstance as it happens. Take whatever opportunities come up to talk to her about relationships and love and let her know that you understand what she feeling and going through and are there for her when she wants to talk. Honestly, I bet her feelings are so strong because this is so new to her and the idea of having a boyfriend is so enticing. She is growing up. I know I wasn't ready for it when my teenagers started dating (I even told them no dating until high school), but I really had/have no say in how they would feel or who they would date. I just try to keep the lines of communication open with them and let them know I'm there is they need me. Of course, then I cry to DH when they're not around that they are growing up too fast!
I do think both of you are going to be fine. 
I think this is common, don't panic.. Over the phone is easier to control than in real life. As long as the rest of her life is not being impacted let her have her crush. She is still involved with her activities, still doing things with her friends, and he isn't her first priority it will all work itself out. Try to stay neutral with her about it. Don't dismiss it but don't encourage it either.
At least he doesn't drive... Whew!!!
So here are my concerns. I know nothing about this boy. Not his last name, what his parents do, etc. When I asked her about this 6 weeks ago, in a pretty nonconfrontational way, she said she didn't either. They were just friends, they didn't really talk about serious stuff. Obviously that is off from the truth.
The other thing that rings wrong to me...she was really justifing herself on why she couldn't call him today. I listened in for 2 or 3 minutes. He was obviously giving her a hard time for not being available to him tomorrow. I can't quite explain it, but the tone wasn't right on this end. She can't call him because she won't come home from school before the football game, and then won't get back to the school until 11:30. Then they are getting on the bus to go to competition. So she finally agreed to call him saturday, she will be on a field trip with the band, in a hotel room with her friends. She has no business talking to him then either I think!
One other thing that bothers me. We talk pretty open. I have heard about boys she likes at school, one she really has a crush on. Two different boys have asked her out. She said no to one because "she just didn't know him that well". This is a kid she went to elementary school with and he eats lunch with her every day. She thinks he is cute and nice and still said no. Not I am not ready, or didn't like him. I didn't understand it then, but I guess now I realize she considers herself off the market. So I do feel like it is affecting her regular life.
I do understand people meet online and that works out. But we have really just taught her so differently. We have been having chats for years about social networking and how it can't take the place of real social stuff. And that especially as a teenager you have to be able to see how people act, not just hear how they sell themselves.
I guess I just have all these red flags. It is weird to have my dd interested in boys, but I get that and respect that. I just think she has plenty of boys here and ones that she like and like her. I don't get her motive and don't understand his motive. If I knew more about him. I just keep thinking, how do I even know this is really a 13 year old. I have gotten no info from the family that "introduced them". they also have no information about him. It literally just makes me sick. In hindsight, I wish that I would have forbidden this late july when I first discovered it.
Well, you know your dd best, and it sounds like your gut is telling you something is wrong. I guess it would bother me that she doesn't know much about him. What about the cousin that introduced them?
I don't know what I would do, to be honest. I know she said 6 weeks ago that they were just friends, but that is a long time for a teen. Maybe things have changed? Have you approached her lately about their relationship? I think you have to walk a fine line here. If she feels your disapproval, she will clam up. I think it is really important to keep the lines of communication open.
I agree with Debbie that 6 weeks is an eternity to teens. I also think that you should try to talk to her about it but try not to show your disapproval.
I also think that a phone or online relationship is much different than on with someone at school. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe she likes to talk but is scared that if the person is there everyday maybe they would want to do more than just talk. Maybe she is not ready to kiss and hold hands and things like this scare her. You are right she might just be making excuses too.
You also need to think about talking to her somehow (not sure how to bring it up) about how not all relationships are healthy for both people. I am not saying that this one isn't but at this age a boy should not be this controlling (or that is how it seems) or it is just going to get worse.
The best thing you can do is keep an open line of communication and make sure that she knows she can talk to you.
Good luck.. (((HUGS))))
I can understand your red flags Kaye. You've been given good advice. Maybe you can get some more out of her in a casual way, and go from there. Also check through the cousin about who this is. Good luck and BIG HUGS. I wouldn't feel right either and I hope it works out.
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