Help- My 4yr old is out of Control
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I have no idea what to do. Jade is 4.5yrs old and out of control at home. (Think NANNY 911) She is hard headed and determined and will always get her way or else. Some days (more than not) things are fine just minor issues. But the days it is major her anger and fit could last for 2hrs or more.
Yesterday we got home from school and I knew she needed a nap you could tell by looking at her she was tired I told her it was rest time (to us means lay down relax and watch TV) usually when she does this she will sleep for 2-3hrs. Around June 2008 she gave these up except for maybe 1-2x a week when we were lucky. I know she still needs them. Anyways I told her rest time she had a fit NO NO NO so I told her do not yell at me or talk to me that way I am the mom and I said rest time so I put a movie in her TV and told her to get in bed well she proceeded to throw everything off her bed and yell and scream at me. So I turned the TV off and told her fine when she was ready to settle I would come back in her room and turn it back on but until then do not come out of her room. I walked out with her screaming at me NO mom WAIT NO MOM NO come back so she followed me yelling at me demanding that I turn it on. Hitting me from behind and telling me what I was going to do.
I have been hit, punched, yelled at and told I was hated. I have had things throw at me and doors slammed in my face.
I have spanked her before but it didn't work so I don't do it. I have just ignored her and no joke she can throw her fits unbelievably for 90 minutes to 2hrs.
I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks I cry and just don't know what to do anymore.
She doesn't do this to my husband and she doesn't see this kind of stuff anywhere to have picked it up. She doesn't watch TV that would show her this stuff so I have no clue where she has gotten it from.
Once the meltdown stops she is exhausted and tells me how sorry she is and will want me to cuddle her and love on her and honesly I want nothing to do with her. I just want distance and I know she doesn't understand that but I cannot help it.
I do talk to her after and she understand what she did was wrong but it still happens again on average 1-2x a week. And she doesn't listen to me really hardly ever. She will talk back most of the time. I can usually get her to listen after a little while but I have no clue what to do.
Rich backs me up with everything heck so does Timmy and he is 10 I have no clue what to do. Help ladies. PLEASE
{{{HUGS}}}}
Reading this was like I wrote it myself. My youngest dd did these same things. I really have no answers for you because I am still looking for them myself.
The only advice I have for you is to let her calm down before you deal with her. you need a safe place to let her calm down. This is the only thing that I have found that really helped once she got to the point where she lost control, which was normally when she was over tired or over stimulated.
I hope someone else has more advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone out there.
BTDT...When you feel that she needs some quiet time, give her a choice of what she can do. She can watch a movie, color, read a book, take a bubble bath (my ds would play in the tub for hours).
This will make her think that she is in control of her actions. Tell her that YOU need some quiet time, after a hard day; she'll then think that she is helping you out.
As far as the meltdowns go, don't try to reason with her because she is not listening or able to control herself; at that point, as you know.
She is also at an age where her words can not express her feelings so acting out is her only way of showing you how she feels.
Stick to your guns, be consistent; she'll come around. 
BTW, I can't believe Timmy is ten!
I think you are definitely doing the right thing by walking away and ignoring her tantrums. Try not to let them stress you out. I know this is hard. But, if she can feel that she is getting to you, she will keep them up. Also, does she have a consequence for these tantrums? If not, I would have one. When she is calm, I would discuss that tantrums aren't acceptable, and let her know what the consequence is for one. After she has a tantrum, and she is calm, let her know that what she did is not acceptable, and make sure you follow through with the consequence. Also, when she is calm, you might try and get her to express what she was feeling when she had the tantrum. I would also talk a lot about using her words, and not hitting, etc. Also, when she wants to cuddle afterwards, there is nothing wrong with telling her that you are very upset with her because she threw a tantrum, and she will have to give you some time before you cuddle with her. As long as you are critisizing the behavior, and not her.
My youngest ds was very stubborn, and strong willed. He still is. I found that giving his choices whenever I could, even if it was as simple as do you want the red or blue cup, would help when we had a situation when he didn't have a choice.
Hang in there. This too shall pass, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.
Also... you might want to keep a journal of your day, so you can see if something specific is triggering them...over tired, etc. Then, maybe you can come up with some ways to stop the triggers.
Sounds like she's headstrong alright! I've been there with Connor too! I'm sorry you're getting hit. When Scott was deployed, I was hit a multitude of times and I couldn't stop crying!
As far as help...Ditto Annie with the choices and, when you both are calm and nothing is distracting I would talk to her about ways she can communicate better. This REALLY helped us.I would also have your DH there as support, so she knows she's "outnumbered" if that makes sense?
Maybe if she was told what *specific* words you will listen to rather than hitting, etc. And, tell her how hitting hurts mommy. "What if daddy hit mommy, would you be happy?" It's not ok to hit, no matter how much you're angry. (Sometimes I actually had to sit with Connor on my lap and wrap his arms around himself facing away from me until he knew I was the stronger one...he stopped hitting after that and after I talked with him the day after. That was a tough night, but it helped establish an "alpha male" in the house.)
Wrestling helps too...but maybe that's a boy thing?
Telling him he's actually in a timeout really puts out his tantrum. It's a calm way of saying "this is not tolerated", etc. Then you can separate and let her just cry it out in the room. Can you go to a place where you can't hear her very well? If she's crying, sometimes they fall asleep doing so but it's soooooooo hard to listen to!
Good luck and let us know how it goes! You're not alone!
I walked out with her screaming at me NO mom WAIT NO MOM NO come back so she followed me yelling at me demanding that I turn it on. Hitting me from behind and telling me what I was going to do.
My question is what was your reaction to this? You never really say what happened next....
Thanks ladies a ton for listening to me vent. I love to know that I am not alone. I have paid closer attention to what has been happening and when and it is almost always when she is getting tired.
Vicki what I did was turn around pick her up and take her back into her room set her on her bed and walked back out and shut her door and locked it.
I have tried this method again a few times in the last couple of days when a meltdown has been starting and tell her when she is ready to be calm and talk to let me know and I will unlock the door and let her out.
So far it is honestly working and she is calming down and then when I open her door she is better and tells me she is so sorry. And then she tells me why she is sorry. So for now we are going to stick with this and hope it will work.
That is why I asked what happened next.
I found when dd was that age, she did it more for the reaction from me. Once I figured that out, I explained to her that it was ok to be mad etc., but that I didn't need to listen to it. I told her she had to have fits in her room and when she was done with them she could come out. I honestly believe she had less than 5 after that and each one was shorter and shorter. She realized they weren't much fun with no audience. LOL
Just keep doing what your doing and I am willing to be they end rather quickly.
I know this is going to sound really weird but does she still have her tonsils and adnoids? My DS acted like this until he had tubes put in, adnoids out, and tonsils removed. All of that helped him finally sleep better at night and his bad behavior stopped. He was like a new child. It was the lack of quality sleep that was making him a monster.
OK you must have ESP Tayjar but she had them taken out this morning at 10m. We just got home about 30 minutes ago from the hospital. So ladies in a few weeks I will let you know how things are going. I was talking to the Dr about this exact thing this morning and I will keep my fingers crossed this will help.
Now that you mention it.. My nephew had real problems with tantrums until they removed his. Now he is much better.
I hope she is feeling better soon and I hop it helps her behavior problems.
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