Teenage Girl
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How do you deal with it when your teen girl tells you that you are mean and you never say anything nice to her? That is all I hear from her now. She is in 8th grade and seems to think that I am a really horrible person now. She says I only yell at her and tell her what she does wrong.
Well I do yell sometimes but normally that is when she starts yelling at me first. I know I need to get this under control and there is no excuse for it.
I have been on her some lately because she has a really bad attitude about everything lately and it comes off that she is VERY mean to her sister (which I expect to an extent) to her step-dad and to myself. Other than her bad attitude towards me and her family she is a really good kid. she does all her homework without being reminded and does chores without too much complaining.
Am I being too hard on her? She makes me feel really bad about telling her that her attitude stinks, yet every time I try to talk to her about anything she is telling me I am mean and that she hates me and that she wishes I would just leave her alone.
I am really at a loss, I have been crying when she is not around for days because of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't praise her for her attitude and I can't just let the attitude go but I tell her how proud she makes me because of her grades and all she does at school and around the house for me, but her attitude makes me want to just slap her across the face sometimes (not that I would ever do that but that is how it makes me feel when she responds with "WHATEVER" or "I DON'T CARE".
Where did my sweet little girl go who I loved just hanging out with? Now she is this other person that I can barely stand to be in the same room as most of the time.
If you got this far thanks for listening.. I just need some BTDT.
As much as it pains me to say this, it is a VERY normal thing for you two to be going through. My dd is also in 8th grade and we have been having some of the same issues. She can also go from my sweet little girl to a grouch in about 5 seconds flat.
In her eyes, I do nothing right and my main purpose on this earth is to make her miserable.
Most of my friends that have dd's the same age are dealing with the same things and I also remember going through much of the same stuff with my own mom. There was a period of a few years that she just drove me nuts. Looking back on it, she didn't do a thing wrong and I have no idea why I acted that way and why she got on my nerves so much, but she did!!
It will pass, it may take a few years, but it will pass. I really think it is hormonal!!
I agree with Vicki, I can remember going through the same thing with my own mom and then seeing my sisters both go through it.
I know it's not what you wanted to hear but unfortuately it does seem to be normal (or whatever normal is during a teenage girls life).
sending you hugs and PATIENCE... ((HUGS))
{{{HUGS}}}
I know from my ds, the way I respond to him is everything. If I yell, or let him draw me into a battle, he will just shut down.
I have totally changed my approach with him, and things are so much better!! I do not yell, scream or fight with him... period. If he uses an ugly voice with me, or yells at me, etc, then I tell him(in a very calm voice) that I will not talk to him until he can talk to me in a respectful tone of voice. Then, I just walk away. Now, I really don't need to tell him this anymore. He knows that if he talks "ugly" to me, I will walk away. I also praise him whenever I can. I also talk calmly to him when we have an issue. One day he was upset about one of our rules. He asked me if we could talk about it. We did. I explained why the rule was made, and I told him that it is okay for him to not like it. I didn't like all the rules when I was growing up. But, he did have to follow it. I then asked him if he could at least see where I was coming from, he said yes. I know he still isn't thrilled with the rule, but that is okay. He knows he has to follow it, and what the consequence will be if he doesn't. We now have very open communication, and it is great. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. And, there are days, I want to scream. But, they are very rare now.
For one, I think it is great that she expressed her feeling to you. Whether it is true or not, doesn't matter, this is how she is feeling. Personally, I would sit down with her, when she is in a good mood, and calm, and tell her you don't like the way your relationship is, and you want to fix it. I would tell her you are sorry she feels you are always criticising her. I would also stop telling her that her attitude stinks. If the main problem is that she is mean to her sister, then I would make clear what will happen when she does this....whatever you want the consequence to be...loss of a priviledge. Then, when she does it, follow through. You don't have to yell, just tell her " you did so and so to your sister, so you can't watch TV tonight, or whatever. No criticising, no nothing, just what she did wrong, and consequence. I would also explain that you will not talk to her when she yells, screams, etc at you. You will always be willing to talk and discuss things when she talks to you nicely. Do not let her draw you into a shouting match. Praise, praise, praise....whenever you can....even if it is "I noticed you were really nice to your sister today, thank you, I really appreciate it." You did a great job at school today, etc. Most teenagers, especially girls, are so self conscious at this age. It makes it really hard. And, don't take it personal when she says you are mean. Both my boys say I am mean!
The teenage years are so difficult. {{{HUGS}}}
Maybe, in a moment when you're both in a good mood, I would let her know what words you'd rather hear than "Whatever", etc. You have to have communication tools...maybe even have a code word that you say when you both just need space and time away until you've both cooled down.
Pinpoint exactly the point in which you guys start to go downhill and have a plan of action. I always try to ask questions, rather than come down on teenagers. It makes them come up with the answers and think on their own, which they so badly want.
Things like, "Do you think that's a good decision?" "Why?" "Tell me more about that decision..."
Deal with emotions with emotions and deal with communication with communication. And, above all, give each other the benefit of the doubt. If all else fails, keep track of all the good things you say about her. It should be a 5-1 ratio and also note that she also has to be held accountable for the same ratio. Complaining, acting rude, etc are all bad behaviors. She might need examples of what to say rather than what examples her friends are showing.
I am going through the same things with my 17, 15 and 13 is old dd. Even my 11 ds becomes this way, too. They call me a "nag" and think I am too hard on them, etc...
Last night they were at it again. We know we have to do our homework, we know we have to go to bed, we know we have school tomorrow.....yada yada.
I told them I wouldn't be such a nag if you kids did what you are supposed to do...when you are supposed to do it. I wouldn't nag about hanging up wet towels IF you hung up wet towels. I wouldn't nag about shutting the laundry room door so the cat doesn't go in there IF you shut the laundry room door, I wouldn't nag about rinsing off dishes IF you rinsed off dishes....
I do praise them, constantly. I support them %100 but they also are teenagers that do not have the matured brain to articulate themselves as sometimes needed. I think sometimes they are like frustrated toddlers that haven't learned to speak yet.
You've great advice from everyone. If I could figure teenagers out I would write the number one bestseller and be a billionaire!
Okay I have another question because now that I am so upset about all this with my dd, my dh is saying that the way she is acting is outrageous and no other teens act this way.
A little background, my dd doesn't take teasing well (barely at all). So over Christmas this past year my dh's parents (dh is not my dd's dad) were in town and they both tease a lot. So by the end of the 2 weeks they were here my dd had heard her limit of teasing/blonde jokes (blonde jokes seem to really upset her) and she had a total emotional blowup to me about his parents loud enough where they heard all of it. She did go back and apologize and felt really horrible about it.
So my dh seems to think that my dd doing this is extremely unusual and that he doesn't want to take the girls near his parents for the next few years or until my oldest can learn to "control her emotions" and not freak out on people. He also thinks that his parents did no wrong by teasing her even after they were told that she is super sensitive right now. He also thinks that pretty much no other teens do this.
Am I wrong or does stuff like this happen with lots of teen girls especially? I can remember doing things like this as a teen and feeling horrible about it after.
Now he is not talking to me because I told him I thought everyone in the situation about Christmas was wrong and that I don't think it is very unusual for teens to have emotional outbursts because this is when they learn to control their emotions.
I am just so upset and frustrated about the whole thing. I just really want to go crawl into a hole and cry.
If they pushed her to the blowing point, that is wrong. No one's buttons should be pushed that hard. When they saw that the blonde jokes were upsetting her, they should have just stopped. Aren't they adults here?
My hubby is good at pushing the kids, until they blow and it makes me so mad sometimes! It's really not necessary.
Many teenage girls are drama queens and with hormones and adolescence they all seem to be powder kegs, ready to blow. Mine have certainly had their moments. Tell hubby it really is normal!
While her response was not acceptable (emotional outburst), I feel that the teasing was also unacceptable. Your husband should have told his parents that they were upsetting her. Her feelings are valid and should be respected.
My daughter has her "hormonal moments". We tease her that she is "CC". That is either cute & cuddly or Crabby & cranky depending on the day.
She has learned to control her emotions, most of the time. She knows that yelling at us gets her no-where. We, like Debbie, walk away if she isn't being respectful in her tone of voice.
I think open communication is vital. I also think you should respect your daughter's feelings. We do not always understand why some things upset someone. It is frustrating to a child, and anyone else, to feel that your feelings do not matter. I would try to get your husband to understand that. I know I have had to make mine understand that. It took him a while but now he responds better when our daughter is upset.
I remember, when I was a teenager (yes, I can remember that far back). I don't think there was ever a week that passed without either mom or I (or both) bursting into tears of anger.
I started to go through the same thing with my middle son, but remembered it happening the other way round with my mom, and decided I wasn't going to go through that again. Greg and I talked about it and decided that (1) we were not going to try to talk to each other when one of us was angry and (2) one of us would call time out when things started getting angry, and we'd try to get back to the topic later when we'd both cooled out. I cannot tell you how much difference it made to our relationship.
When your daughter yells (in fact, when anyone yells) that is the time to lower your voice in tone and volume and speak more slowly and carefully. That does a couple of things. First, the other person has to listen to you to hear you when you lower your voice. That's what I started doing after an episode when I actually got caught on television ranting and crying - and I can tell you from long experience that it really works almost all the time. Second, you are not piling more fuel on the fire when you are not yelling back. And when you respond to your dd (or whomever) you don't have to say something new each time. If dd says something and you calmly and carefully say "This is what I think .....", if she yells back, just say, calmly, "I told you, this is what I think, and I haven't changed my mind." Third, when one of your children is involved and is yelling and you yell back, you are treating your child like a peer by descending to her level - and she is not your peer - she is your child. You don't want to be her equal in this - you are the adult and should model adult behavior.
Meanness is not to be tolerated, whether verbal or physical, direct or indirect but clearly meanness. You have to establish behavior rules and consequences - a sliding scale of consequences - and stick to them. Not with anger, but rather "you were told that if you did X, Y would happen. You did X when you (event), and now Y will happen". No argument, no discussion - that's it. Make the consequences realistic, not cataclysmic. Speaking cruelly to your sister gets you a loss of computer time or phone time or a day without your cell phone or your computer shut off for a day, or something similar. But warn first - daughter, you are being mean to your sister when you (event) and if you keep it up, Y will happen. Same with rudeness to your dh or you. (I guess I sound like Debbie, but it doesn't hurt to reinforce).
Bottom line, you can't control how she feels, but you can control how she behaves. You can tell her, when she tells you that she hates you, that you are sorry she feels that way - you don't hate her but you don't like how she is behaving and you want her to change her behavior. You can't really control the look on her face, sulking, etc. - only what comes out of her mouth and how she behaves in general. Don't go after her "attitude", focus on behavior because that's what you can change.
The teasing was just plain mean, and I don't blame her for blowing up. What was she going to do - sock someone or tell them they were being mean and rude? At least she had her explosion in another room, for which I give her a lot of credit. They knew they were getting her goat and they kept it up, and to my mind that is just abusive. Two weeks of blonde jokes - that is absolutely appalling. What ignorant, nasty people to start that and then keep it up. Would your dh be so tolerant if she was, for example, blind, and they made blind jokes? Or short, and they made short jokes? Or if they were doing it to him for something about him that he can't change, or something about you?
As for your dd not behaving like any other teenage girl, how does he know? How many teenage girls has he lived with? Yes, stuff like this happens with teens all the time, and more so with girls than with boys, but also with boys. It just doesn't happen in public very often, which is why parents are driven to distraction. If it were me, I'd tell my husband that I don't want his parents around my daughter until they learn to behave like civilized adults and not tease a child to the breaking point. Two weeks of blonde jokes - and he doesn't think that's more than too much? I understand they are his family, but so is your daughter, and she is a child whom he is supposed to protect.
By all means, go off and have a good cry. And if dh doesn't start talking to you fairly soon, then come back and maybe we can give you some help.
I can't get over it - two weeks of adults picking on a kid and no one but your dd and you see any harm in it. These are not nice people.
I have 5 girls between the ages of 12 and 15, and it's an absolute hormonal nightmare around here a lot of the time! My 15 year old started acting like your dd when she was about 9, and it's never ended! She is a great kid, but we are like oil and water at this point. We have some nice, sweet moments, but lots of tense moments, too.
My 13 year old can't stand it if I get angry with her, so she's a lot easier to get along with.
My 12 year old has a real tone to her voice when she speaks, and she takes everything personally.
My 13 and 14 year olds that are non-verbal are still mouthy in their own way!
The hormonal moods are HE** to deal with, but luckily they won't last forever. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. 
Well dh is speaking now but not saying much at all. I really don't know what to say to him because he won't tell me what is bothering him or what is on his mind. I swear that sometimes I wish someone in this house would talk to me! I want someone to discuss this wish and he wont' talk to me.. says he is not mad at me but not in a good mood and doesn't want to talk.
Talked to dd a little while ago and we decided that I would start telling her when she is yelling in a nice calm voice and remind her that yelling at me will get her computer or phone taken away. Our talk was productive and nice.
At this point I am still just as frustrated as I was this morning just about my dh instead of my dd. I think I will go take a nice long hot bubble bath and cry..
Not mad at you but not in a good mood? That's very passive-aggressive. I don't like pop-psych, but that's what he's doing. He is controlling the situation by refusing to talk with you, and if you insist that he talk with you then you are the one who is at fault. That's not fair.
Here are some articles about how to "fight fair" in a marriage. Take a look at them and see what you think.
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This one has links to several articles: 3
Oh, and good move with dd. You and she will both slip, but now that you have some ground rules you will know when you're slipping and refer back to the rules.
I didn't read all of the posts because you have a ton of responses so if I am repeating someone's advice I apologize. Try to catch her when she is not in a bad mood and praise her whenever she does something good - anything. I am sure she doesn't like the things she is saying to you and feels terrible about them afterwards but maybe she just doesn't know how to make it better. Middle school sucks - the pressure on these kids is unbelievable. If it helps high school is a little easier and as she matures she will outgrow this.
As far as blowing up at your dh's parents, I think she had every right to do that if they took teasing to that limit. If anything your dh should have stepped in and told them to knock it off. I don't think she should have to visit them if they don't treat her with respect and you should tell her that's the reason she doesn't have to visit them or be around them if she doesn't want to. She will see that as you validating her feelings about it. If they know she is sensitive, and both you and your dh know she is sensitive why would you even put her in that kind of a no win situation?
This issue is that I have told him from day 1 that she is extremely sensitive and he seems to think it is something she needs to get over it. This is a pretty big argument in our relationship in the past few years because I grew up with my sister who is super sensitive to this day about teasing and it is just something you don't do with her. He grew up with parents that tease a lot and he just doesn't understand why she shouldn't grow thick skin and learn to deal with it because she is going to get teased her whole life, in his opinion. I tell him that is not how some people work but I don't know how to prove it to him. I ask him why he doesn't tease me about things that he knows would upset me... like my weight and he says well that would be mean. I say well then why would you tease Alexis about being a blonde when it really upsets her and he says because she is so smart and the blonde jokes don't apply to her, she should know that.
BTW.. he is still not talking to me. He rode to work with me and didn't say a single word. Actually he said one word after he got up, he tripped on something in the floor and I asked if he was okay and he said "yep". If he doesn't start talking soon I don't know what I am going to do. I am now not just upset but I am getting really angry at him.
Tara, I will repeat what I said earlier. This is passive-aggressive behavior - that is, he is being aggressive by being or appearing to be passive and not talking to you, so that if you raise the issue or get angry you are the aggressor. It is very unfair.
Well, your dh is being very childish about this. I think I would come right out and ask him if this is worth ruining your relationship for! Because if this keeps up, that is what it will do.
I firmly believe that your home/family should be your "safe" place. This should be the place where you can be yourself, and feel comfortable. He is not letting her feel comfortable and safe in her own home. Yes, she will get teased, pick on, etc in the outside world. But, she should know that this will not happen in her home.
I hope you can make dh understand that this needs to stop. I guess I don't understand his reluctance. Does he want a hostile, unhappy house, or does he want peace. It seems like a no brainer. Someone doesn't like teasing, then don't tease them!
BTDT......Going there AGAIN!!!!Oh my GOD this all is soooooo much like our DSD who is in 8th grade....Seems like just the other day she was this sweet little girl who listened to everything Mom & Dad said....NOW its like we have her EVIL TWIN....Im ready to traded her in. We have 3 other DSDs 28,26,and 20. They NEVER did what she is trying to pull over on us...Atleast NOT till they were 16...Im sooooo MAD at her...I have to step back..It breaks my heart.
She too has blonde hair...It is BEAUTIFUL and is long...She has heard all the dumb blonde jokes and hates them too!
I know this too will pass...but we are soooooo OVER it.
GOD help us all when our DSK are entering the teenage years. Why cant we just traded them in...that would be sooooo EASY!
I know this will pass with time....Hurry up time!!!
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