OMG I have no idea what to do!!!!
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So, there is a little neighbor boy who rides the same bus as the kids, and his mom asked my kids for my number one day when I was running late. I appreciated her looking out for my kids (her son is in K, mine in 1st), so we chatted, and decided to get the kids together to play. They live just outside the bounds of where my kids are allowed to go on their own, but they wanted to play yesterday, so I had this little boy over. He was rambunctious, to say the least (J called him an Eddie Haskell, I agreed) but the playdate went ok.
Fast forward to today, bus pickup. My kids get into the car, and tell me they want to play with "Eddie" today, I say maybe later. We're headed to the store, and Madison tells me "Eddie wants me to have sex with him." I nearly drove off the road!!! She told me she told him they couldn't have sex until they were grown ups, I told her she should wait until she's married, too. Shane pipes up with "Eddie told me a bad word." (I asked him which one, it was the MF one!)
So, we talk in the car, Madison tells me she told him only grown ups have sex, which made me proud. I told her if a little boy tells her that again, kick him as hard as she could. (I'll probably retract that later, I was just really upset) Shane confirmed they all heard these things, and that "Eddie" said another bad word, but he couldn't remember what. I asked if "Eddie" said any bad words at my house, apparently he said the long version of "BS". So, I asked Madison if she knew what sex was, she said "Grown ups kiss each other, take off their clothes, and have sex." Well, I'm not sure if I should explain sex any more than that, we will probably tell her just general basics, and only as much as she asks. As for Shane, we're waiting for J to get home from work before we all discuss it, but I did tell him he wasn't going to be able to be friends with "Eddie" anymore. He was upset, and said he didn't have many friends, but I told him he is a smart, sweet boy, and he can make plenty of new friends. (He's been having some trouble doing so at his new school) I told him why he couldn't be friends with "Eddie", because your friends reflect who you are, and he knows what "Eddie" does is not ok.)
Any suggestions on what other actions I should take? Any BTDTs? I'm still floored, and told J I wasn't going to do anything until he got home (luckily he gets off work at 1630) because otherwise I might go down and punch "Eddie's" mom in the face. Who lets their kids say such things?! Grrrrrrr.... so upset!!!!!!
I am in shock and honestly don't know what I would do.
As a teacher though, 1st graders just don't know such things...really. This would send up red flags. Part of me would want to make a conference with the teacher, or couselor at school and explain what happened. Say, you just didn't know what to do and have some concerns with your daughters safety at school. I think he needs to be flagged. Typically young children who talk about sex are victims themselves.
But again, this is little miss conservative speaking. My dd came home in 4th grade and heard someone was using a cuss word and she didn't know what a cuss word was, I had to explain they are bad word choices, her response was "like stupid".
Anyway, so clearly my viewpoint is a little more narrow than others might be.
I would however not play with that child, and watch it close. I might even call the mom and say, you son was inappropriate with my daughter and they will not play any more. Really in my book this is defined as sexual harrassment.
I would really be questioning why/how a child that young would have such a vocabulary.
I would tell the mom that her child was inappropriate and would no longer be allowed around your children.
I would instruct the bus driver that the boy is to stay away from your children. I agree that the school should be notified.
((((((hugs))))))
I think you explained enough to your daughter, for her age. She obviously knows that one should not speak that way and defended herself honorably.
I never even thought about the possible reasons for him knowing these things, I asked J where a kindergartener would pick them up, and his guess was "Cable." So, I will notify the school district, since it happened on the bus. This comes a couple days after some boy put gum in Madison's hair, so I'm not impressed with the bussing. Thanks for the suggestions, and keep them coming (there are a few of the older moms that I'm very interested to hear from here), I'll keep you updated.
Well, I just got off the phone with Transportation, the lady I spoke with was quite shocked as well, and immediately said they will try to have "Eddie" moved up front by the driver, so she can monitor what he says and does. She also said she will be contacting the school on Tuesday, and talking to the principal about this behavior, to see if they can get a social worker involved. I told her the cussing wasn't that big of a deal, because kids tend to test their limits with words they know are "taboo", but what he told my daughter was a huge red flag. She agreed it could be picked up from TV or movies, but that it could also indicate bigger issues at home, so she would notify the school to pursue it. One thing I can say is that the Transportation dept has, both times I've needed to call them, handled the issues respectfully and efficiently.
Definitely the right move to talk the principal, and a counselor, and maybe a social worker. The best interpretation is that this kindergarten boy has been exposed to highly inappropriate TV. The worst construction is that he has been sexually abused. And there is, of course, a wide range in between. But this has to be looked into, thoroughly, by professionals. You've done the right thing, and if the driver does get Eddie moved to the front of the bus, that helps a lot. In the meantime, of course you will keep your children away from him.
Oh, and don't take back telling Madison to kick anyone who suggests sex to her or asks her for sex. That's just what she should do - and yell as loud as she can "it's bad for you to talk to me about sex", which will explain to everyone around her why she is kicking and yelling - and Shane should be told the same thing. Reinforce what you have told your children, that sex is for grownups, and properly only for grownups who are married to each other. I would have the "safe touch" talk with both children, and reinforce that no one other than mom or the doctor or doctor's nurse has the right to ask anyone to take their clothes off or allow themselves to be touched - anywhere. I wouldn't take it any further, unless either Madison or Shane asks very specifically. And I would reinforce what you have taught them about bad language, and make sure that they understand that talking about sex and/or body organs is "bad language" for children. And remember, little boys are as much at risk as little girls - talk to both of them, together and, if they wish, separately. Is there a good, solid male figure you can talk to who could talk with Shane if he wants to talk to a man?
Ginny,
Your response was one of the ones I was particularly interested in, so I appreciate you posting. I did mention to the lady at Transportation that I didn't want my children to be allowed to sit with him on the bus anymore. I will definitely talk to the kids more today, and reinforce the good touch/bad touch discussion, as well as the talking about sex or body organs. As for a solid male figure, Shane trusts and likes J, so they will probably chat about it, and I'll also be talking to their dad today, so he can reinforce the topic with the kids, especially Shane.
Thanks again, everyone!!! I don't know what I would do with MV... any time something comes up that concerns parenting dilemmas, I immediately think to come here for advice. It's great to have a place to do just that!!!
Wow, those are heavy issues to be dealing with, among kids who are only 5-6 years old. I was wondering too, why this kid is so street-wise, at the tender age of 5. So was Emily, who was reading this with me.
I think you did the right thing, and I'm glad the school will be dealing with it, too.
You did the right thing, Crystal and Ginny gave you great advice and backup. You already didn't feel comfortable with the child being out of your kids' area and the playdate, although went well, wasn't in your comfort zone. Stick to your mommy instincts. Your doing a great job 
Wow! I would have driven right off of the road. I think you did the right thing and got some good advice. Good luck!
Just something quick to add ... something similar happened in my son's class. The little boy has much older brothers who are not careful what they say around him. They were quite graphic in describing a sexual act. He likes to be cool and copy what they say.
What I tell my son is if he hears words that we don't use (and he has a pretty good idea what they are) then he knows they are not okay words for him to use and if he is unsure he can always ask me.
Ame
I think I would have driven off the road too! My kids are 9 and 7 and I don't think they know much about sex at all. I certainly have not spoken to them about it other than "nobody touches you there" type stuff. My ds thinks that "Stupid" is a bad word and knows that the Middle finger means a bad word too.
I can't imagine a kindergartner saying they wanted to have sex with someone....I'm hoping he has no idea what it means and that he just heard it somewhere.
You definitely did the right thing Crystal!
Does this boy happen to have an older sibling?
You did just fine and I would speak directly with the principle, social worker at the school, and inform them about what happened. It wasn't at school, they really can't do anything, but they need to be aware to keep a better eye on his behaviors before he victimizes someone.
I haven't seen any older sibs, just a baby in the family, and this little boy. I'll call the principal on Tuesday, and see if we can meet, or explain over the phone. I've been putting off going and talking to the mom, but I'm going to do it tomorrow.
Crystal, be aware that if you talk to the mom you'll have to tell her that you've told the bus driver and will be talking to the principal. She may become angry, in defense of her son (and of her own parenting). Think about making arrangements for Madison and Shane to stay with someone rather than bringing them with you.
What feeling do you get from this woman?? You can sometimes tell the parents that won't take well to being told, talked to, about things in regards to their children.
We had a similar situation in my ds's class last year. After several parents spoke to the teacher and administrators about this boy's comments about sex, his parents took him into counseling and were very respectful of our feelings and concerns. It turned out that this little boy really didn't have much of an idea what sex was but he'd heard it on tv and was getting such a reaction from saying it that the reaction was rewarding to him. The rest of the year was uneventful, in this area, and he and my ds play regularly with no problems. I truly hope that you have as good of an outcome with this but I think you're making a good decision to contact authorities on the bus and at the school. Good luck, Crystal!
How did it go with his mom, Crystal? I'm still in shock and I read this post some time ago.
Bump
Oh, I missed your reply, Heidi!! Thanks for asking! Well, I called her, and explained the situation. She was terribly embarrassed, and nearly burst into tears about the whole thing. She apologized profusely, and assured me she would talk to her son. I saw her yesterday at the bus stop, and asked her how it went. She said her son really didn't have much of an explanation, just that he had heard another kid saying things, and repeated them. She told him again that these were adult things, and he wasn't allowed to use such language, or say things like that, and advised him of his punishment if it happened again. The kids haven't reported any further incidents with him so that's good.
The down side is... Shane used the same word in class this week. Apparently he said it to himself, and the girl next to him heard and reported it to the teacher. He was sent to the principal's office. The thing that upsets me is I found out from him, when asking if he had gotten in any trouble that day, the teacher and principal didn't contact me. I punished him, and told him he had to apologize to everyone, when I asked why he did it, he said no reason. I assume he is testing his limits, but it made me very angry because we had JUST talked about this language being unacceptable!!!! As for the teacher, when I emailed her late that night, she replied and apologized for not contacting me, she said she had meant to and it slipped through the cracks. That is still kind of unacceptable to me, what if I didn't ask them every day, or they didn't tell me the truth when something happened, I would never had known!! (Shane telling me on his own was a great thing though, I was proud of that!!) She pretty much filled in the blanks of the story, which matched his. The only other problem? They are having trouble getting Shane to keep his hands to himself... which he admits is keeping him from having friends. She said they work on it, but other kids are bothered by it, and asked me to address it as well. I think I'll need a new thread for suggestions on that. *sigh* What fun being a mom can be!!!
Crystal, I can relate to the keeping their hands to themselves. Timmy has this problem and we dealt with it all last year in K too. Something simple that might help is having them hold their how hands. (as if they are praying) The teacher can also use it. She just has to get his attention and show him what she wants done. It won't interfere with her teaching and can be done without calling attention to Shane either.
Thanks, Amanda, I will try that, and pass it on to the teacher.
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