My 8 yr old son, will not eat anything I make for dinner, no matter what it is. Even if its something that I know he likes. If I make chicken, he doesn't want it, etc... I have about had it with the fighting. I have tried telling him, you eat what I made or you don't eat. He will say fine wont eat, but then when we are all in bed, he gets up and eats. Anyone have any idea's on what I can do to lessen the number of battles during the week.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 12:47 pm:

First, stop fighting. Second, if he gets up in the night and eats, put an alarm on his door so that when he gets up to sneak a meal you are notified. Third, if you know what he has eaten, it either comes out of his allowance, if he gets one, or he gets 1 hour of grounding (no TV time, no outside play, no video games, etc., etc. etc. ) for every dollar's worth of food he eats.

You have two issues here - fighting over food, which is usually a losing battle for one or the other; and sneaking/stealing. Yes, stealing. If he is taking food without permission, which he knows he is doing and which he is sneaking to do, that is stealing.

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 01:08 pm:

I had 3 boys and know how picky they can be. The boys were much worse, or seemed so b/c there were 3 of them, than my dd. Couple of suggestions. You know what he does like so incorporate 1 thing you know he likes and the rest you select for a meal. Let him help pick it out and/or help fix it. He can have as much of the 1 thing that he wants as long as he tries 1 teaspoonful of each the other items. No sweets or snacks unless he has met the 1 tsp requirement. It seems that when they have a say so, they seemed to eat better and less arguing.

I have a friend who locks snacks up in a closet and she has the key.

Also, dd who is usually pretty good about eating what I cook, but on the occasion that she won't, she fixes her own sandwich or microwaves her own chicken nuggets/mac and cheese.

I also bought a kid's cookbook and let her sit and look thru it. When she finds something she thinks she'll like, we will make it part of our meal.

I can't put a kid to bed hungry. Just can't. But we had rules with the boys when they were little that if they were out of bed besides going potty after 9:30 pm, they would lose some privilege. We haven't had to invoke that on dd yet. Once she's in bed she's usually asleep and zonked for the night.

By Tarable on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 02:47 pm:

I didn't put an alarm on my dd's door because well she has to go to the bathroom sometimes and I don't want that to wake me up, but I did put an alarm on the pantry door and the fridge.
I have a dd who will not eat dinner sometimes and she can go to bed hungry. I do allow her to eat whatever left overs there are from dinner if she didn't eat but that has to happen before bedtime.
I definately have and will ground my dd for the entire next day from computer/tv/friends if she tries to steal food because she refused to eat dinner.
Another thing that I have found that helps is that my dd gets to pick either one things she wants with each meal for the week or gets to choose an entire meal a week. Just depends on her mood as to what she will do.
You have to stop this quickly because it will get worse.. and he can't be eating healthy stuff when he gets up in the middle of the night, or at least mine wasn't she would eat junk food.

By Debbie on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 04:12 pm:

My youngest ds(age 8) is very picky, and we have had a lot of food issues. He has reflux, and it was not diagnosed until he was 4. Unfortunatley, by this time, he had a lot of food issues.

I refuse to make food a battle. I take a pretty lenient approach. I always try to have at least one thing that he likes. If I serve him a new food, he has to at least try it. If he just doesn't want what we are eating he can fix himself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. I don't have sugary cereal, so it is healthy. I do try and get ds involved in meal preparation. And, one night a week he does get to pick what we eat. I also let my oldest pick 1 night a week.

My ds started out eating a lot of sandwiches and cereal, but now he eats what we eat most nights. Once I took the battle out of it, he was more willing to try new foods, and eat what I served.

Also, I try and look at it this way, I don't like everything. I don't cook things I don't like, and I would hate for someone to make me eat something I truely didn't like.

So, have you talked with your ds about his eating issues? Has he said why he doesn't want to eat what you serve? Has this just started? If it has, it just seems odd, that he won't eat even things he likes.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 05:46 pm:

My DD (6) is the same way... she won't eat anything we make, except things like chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, but if we make regular chicken, she "doesn't like it." She also got up in the middle of the night, and snuck food, until we put an alarm on her door. Now, when she refuses to eat something, it's put away, and that is what she gets for her next meal, until it's gone. She's eaten roast and mashed potatoes for breakfast, and a couple of times she has had her reheated meal for the next 2 or 3 meals. It's a constant struggle, and I have no real advice, just hugs, and my sympathy. I've told her we are not her personal short-order chefs, and she will eat what we make. She's very thin by nature, and I worry about her health, but if she is hungry enough, she will eat what she is given.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 06:31 pm:

I'm glad I'm not alone in suggesting an alarm. I don't agree with making the leftovers the child's next meal. The next meal is whatever you fix - otherwise you're making food into punishment and I don't think that's a good idea.

I do think a child with reflux is a totally different situation. I like Tara's and I'mamommy's suggestions of your child picking one food she likes to be part of each meal, and planning one meal a week.

I will say again, don't fight with your son. Just set out the rules and follow them. The food is on the table, eat it or not. But, there is an alarm on the frig (or, better yet, if your kitchen has a door, on the kitchen door - that covers the frig, cabinets, and any pantry). You are allowed to not eat this meal, but you are not allowed to sneak, and there are consequences for sneaking (consequences that don't involve food). It sounds like your son is in a power play with you - you say he won't eat ANYTHING you fix. Sounds like he is trying to show you that he can make the rules, and that is something you do have to deal with.

You can't really force a child to eat, and I don't like using food as punishment. But, you can't allow a child to turn you into a short-order cook or to decide the menu for the entire family. Crystal says it - if her daughter is hungry enough, she eats what she is given. And enough times of eating what a kid is given while pretty much eliminating the opportunity for cheating/sneaking, and your child really will start eating what is on the table.

By Reds9298 on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 09:30 pm:

Ditto Imamommyx4. I'm not interested in the alarm idea personally, just for bathroom reasons for one, but getting up and wandering about or fixing food when you wouldn't eat what was prepared for you deserves a consequence IMO. Like she said, losing a privilege when it happens. You can't force a kid to eat, like Ginny said, but I'm personally not a fan of grazing. I fix the meals, you eat them (unless there are extenuating circumstances of course) or you will be hungry later. I also find that as kids get older, 'snacking' later when they wouldn't eat a meal often means unhealthy choices to boot. Good luck!

By ~momof3boys~ on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 10:09 pm:

Thank you for all the advise. This has not just started, its been going on for a while. I have tried letting him pick what he wants for dinner, that still doesn't work. The only really thing he will eat is country fried chicken. I know the food that he is eating in the middle of the night is junk food. He will not eat a vegetable, will not even try a new food. If I do get him to put something in his mouth, he gags and throws up. Sometimes its even just the thought of the food that makes him gag. I have taken things away as punishment, its like he just doesn't care. I like the idea of getting him a cook book to look through, he might actually find something he would want to eat.

By Debbie on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 11:02 pm:

Well, since it has been going on for awhile, then I guess it is time to set rules, and have consequences. I would try to get him as involved as you can with making meals, and having a little say in what you make(within reason) Then, if he doesn't eat, or won't try new foods, then he doesn't eat. Then, if he is caught getting snacks, then there should be consequences. I would sit down, and tell him your rules(whatever you decide) and then have him loose a privilege, or whatever you decide the consequence is.

I would praise when he tries new things. And, try and be as positive as you can.

By Jtsmom on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 11:04 pm:

I haven't read all of the responses but we have been having the same trouble with my 6 year old, he never eats!! But at bedtime it never fails that he is starving! I am not quite sure if it is a thing he does to just stay up later or if he is really hungry. My doctor said to just let him eat when he is hungry. Period. I leave stuff like banannas or something else that will be kinda quick and healty for him on the table in the kitchen. I can't get him to eat anything that even might be a vegetable either, so we make sure that he gets his Flinstones.

By ~momof3boys~ on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 10:47 am:

I was doing some reading on other sites. A lot of other parents are experiencing the same thing, with the sneaking of food. It might be connected to his ADD/ADHD. I will be talking to his doctor at his next appointment. Its not just the sneaking of food, he hides the food, evidence in his room, under his bed, anywhere he thinks I wont look.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 11:19 am:

If ADD/ADHD is involved, that is a whole other world. I would definitely talk to the doctor, not only about the food, but the whole "control" issue, refusing to eat any veggies, vomiting (which may be self-induced). Sounds to me like there are a lot of issues that have little to do with actual food issues, but more with control issues. You might want to think about talking to someone who has expertise on ADD/ADHD, or even some counseling for you and your son.

By Vicki on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 12:48 pm:

If I do get him to put something in his mouth, he gags and throws up. Sometimes its even just the thought of the food that makes him gag.


In my opinion, this is a read flag and should be brought to your doctors attention. Is he loosing weight?

By Tarable on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 12:55 pm:

Okay now that you said that he has ADHD there are many other things to look at. If he is on medication and it is like concerta or one of the extended release drugs that is supposed to last for 12 hrs or so, the drug may be effecting his appetite and he just isn't hungry until later in the night.

I actually have this problem with both my dd's (one is on concerta and the other is on focalin) and we actually moved our dinner time to almost 8 pm.. granted they are older and stay up later. I will allow either of my kids to eat a snack right before bed if they ate dinner or they can warm up dinner and eat that right before bedtime. This takes some the control out of the problem.. my kids have a little control over when they eat but they have to eat what is provided so they are not eating crap all the time.

My youngest also used to hide the evidence under her bed so I eliminated that option and took the frame off her bed for a while and I check a few times a week to make sure there is no wrappers or anything else in her room. If i find something then she gets privileges taken away, but when i do this we have a long talk about when she did it and why.. if it was before she went to sleep then we talk about how she could have done this without getting in to trouble.

I also cannot send my dds to bed when hungry so I don't.. but i also don't give them whatever they want to eat.

By ~momof3boys~ on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 02:12 pm:

He is taking Concerta, and that was the case when he first started on it, but i believe it is wearing off before dinner. He has started to give me a problem with his homework again. When it is time for dinner, he's hungry, just doesn't want to eat what I make. Most of them time he wants to eat something completely different from the rest of us.

If he does eat dinner and is hungry before bed I do let him have a snack, for the most part it ends up being a bowl of Life Cereal.

When I do find the evidence under his bed or in the room, I do ask about it. His response all the time is " I don't know how that got there, It wasn't me". He gets privileges taken away..TV, Video games, it doesn't phase him.

I'm just going have to be consistent with the issue, and hope it resolves before it gets to bad.

By Tarable on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 02:35 pm:

I have a lot of those same problems with my youngest and it is hard to know what to do. The ladies on here are great for advice and some works and some doesn't.. just like with everything else.

Could it be that he has or is growing and could need a medication adjustment?

By Rayelle on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 02:45 pm:

I didn't read all the posts but I almost started one last night telling you of my son eating in the middle of the night when he was about 7. He ate dinner fine, but I would wake up to him asleep on the couch surrounded by food wrappers. It was just before he was diagnosed with adhd. He is on concerta also. My ds was often not hungry around lunch time and then sometimes dinner but then he would go back for anything not nailed down. He needed to gain some weight so I let him all he wanted, I mean that as in extra servings of chicken etc not a free for all on the cabinets. Is it possible for him that the eating at night may not even be a battle of wills? Is that something your ds did before he started meds like mine? It might be a sign his dosage needs adjusted. My ds has an appointment coming up just for that reason. Hugs to you. Adhd issues are so stressful.

By ~momof3boys~ on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 03:07 pm:

I do believe that he needs to have his medication adjusted. I don't remember him doing that before he went o the medication. He has an appointment next month with his doc.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 06:39 pm:

About asking him how that got there - don't. You know how it got there, and he knows you know how it got there. When you ask, you are simply setting him up to lie, and that's a bad thing. In my opinion, that isn't fair to him. I would strongly suggest that instead of asking him how it got there, you just say - there's a (plate, cup, empty bag, whatever) (under your bed, under your dresser, in the bathroom). Please put it where it belongs. Keeping (whatever) in your room is unsanitary and encourages bugs. Get rid of it, now.

By ~momof3boys~ on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 07:14 pm:

Its not as much as asking him how it got there, is it more of asking what it is doing there.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 09:20 pm:

I'm chuckling. Sorry, but that reminds me of an episode in my marriage. My ex often asked me "what is this doing here?", and I would stammer for some "reason", and we'd get into yet another circular dialogue. I finally got fed up with the games, and responded "it's sitting there". He never asked that question again. Now, your son isn't going to respond like that - at least I certainly hope he doesn't - but I'll bet he resents the question as much as I did and finds it as pointless as I did.

Come on, ~mom, you know what it's doing there. It's sitting where it shouldn't be, which is actually the issue - not what it's doing there.

I suggest that you have more than enough conflicts with your son - whom you love, and who you know at heart loves you. Why have yet another conflict that you can easily do without? You don't really care "what is it doing there?", or at least I think you don't. I think maybe you got trapped into a word habit and just haven't thought about it. What you want, if you can't keep him from bringing food into his room and leaving the plates (and right now you can't, which is part of the bigger problem) is to have him take whatever it is out of his room and put it where it belongs. That's a small goal, but if you can get him to do that, it will be a goal met, which puts you a little bit ahead.

By Debbie on Friday, August 29, 2008 - 09:37 am:

My 2 cents...if you think that the eating and sneaking food at night may be due to his medication/ADHD, then I would talk to his doctor at his next appointment. Explain what is happening, and get information from your doctor on how to stop it, or ways to deal with it.

In the mean time, I would sit down and tell your ds that if he is hungry at night, he has certain things he can pick from. You may want to set up a basket of healthy snacks. He is to get up, pick from the basket, and eat in the kitchen, not hide things in his room. This way you can make sure he is eating healthy, and doesn't leave food/wrappers in his room that can attrack bugs, etc.

Also, I think getting a kids cookbook, I know there is healthy ones out there, is a great way to get him involved in mealtime. Also, my ds loves to help prepare meals, and this makes him more inclined to eat them. Afterall, he helped make it!

Good luck to you. This doesn't sound easy. I just have a hard time punishing kids if they have issues that are out of their control. If it is his medication that is making him hungry at night, then it is hard to punish for that. You just have to find acceptable ways to deal with it.

By Yjja123 on Friday, August 29, 2008 - 06:22 pm:

Exactly what I was going to suggest....get him involved in cooking. It definitely broadened my son's palate. He now cooks things he would never have ate a few years ago.

By ~momof3boys~ on Saturday, August 30, 2008 - 10:49 am:

Dinner went well last night, he ate with no problem at all. This morning while picking up in his room, I found that he had gotten up and got food last night. I found an open pop-tart, banana, and several packs of pb crackers. I told him to get the items and take them to the kitchen and put them up. I had gotten some locks but they didn't fit the cabinets. Today I will be going to get different ones. Due to his refusal to do his homework last week, he has had all his privileges taken away. I'm just trying to think of his punishment for this food issue. With everything else already been taken away, I don't think there is anything else to take away.

By Tarable on Saturday, August 30, 2008 - 11:19 am:

Have you talked to him about not why but how he feels when he gets up.. as in is he so hungry that he can't go back to sleep? I don't want to condone it but I think a lot of it depends on your child. Also have you asked him without being upset about what time he is doing this? if it is say just a few hours after he goes to be he might be going to bed a little hungry. I know my girls dr told me when this was going on with Jordan to make sure she (if she ate dinner anyway) wasn't hungry at bedtime. So I started asking her about 20 min before bed.. Are you hungry and about 90% of the time she said yes but not extremely hungry so I would give her a snack of some sort. With Jordan she doesn't notice things until they are extremes like being hungry or thirsty or even having to go to the bathroom. I have been told this is part of her ADHD. (she is 11 almost 12 and you will still catch her runnign through the house like a 4 year old when she has to go to the bathroom because she waits so long) We did things that didn't seem like a lot of food but would satisfy for a long time like instant breakfast or something like that. I am sure pediasure would be better but my girls wouldn't drink it and it is rather expensive. We used carnation instant breakfast with whole milk. It was also how I got them extra calories when they were losing weight due to non eating or lack of appetite.
Also this was when she ate at least a portion of her dinner.