Lately we've had some trouble finding out who is to blame for mishaps around our house. When I ask who is responsible for it, I hear a chorus of "not me's". I know that someone spilled the dog food all over the floor or that the flashlight was taken apart and not put back together by someone but no one will 'fess up to the deed. Setting out a punishment for everyone seems so unfair and I'm afraid will lead to someone getting blamed that doesn't deserve it but I also want to encourage honesty and responsibility. I know this has to happen at other homes. How do you deal with it?

By Vicki on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 09:26 am:

Well, when I was younger and that happened at our house, we all got punished until someone fessed up to it or my parents figured out who did it. Then, the person who did it got punished even longer. So if it took one hour of us all being grounded until mom figured out who did it, the person who lied and said they didn't do it, got an extra hour to think about why they lied. After a few times of that, we figured out it was best to fess up first. Punishment was much easier!

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 10:58 am:

I agree with Vicki, sort of. If you know who did it, I suggest that you not ask a general "who did this" question. If you ask a question to which you already know the answer you are setting up the opportunity for lying. Kids do lie, we know that - they do it because they don't want to be in trouble, and haven't really gotten the concept of honesty learned well enough. That concept - telling the truth even if it gets you into trouble, because in the long run you are better off - is a hard one to learn.

But if you don't know, and the guilty party doesn't fess up, then I don't think you have any choice but to punish all. What I would NOT do is set up a situation where one child tells on the other to avoid the group punishment - it is better to have the guilty party confess.

Tattling is such a difficult issue - how do we discourge petty tattling but at the same time teach our children to tell on another child/person if it is something serious? Been there, done that, and glad I am not going through it any more.

By Missmudd on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 12:05 pm:

Alot of the time I dont NEED to know, so I dont ask. I say something like, "Whoever just went in and didnt flush needs to flush next time" or "you guys need to make sure that the fridge is shut" Rarely do I HAVE to know which kid did what because usually I am only curious mostly and it probably wouldnt be a severly punishable offence anyway. If I really DO need to know then usually I can get somebody to rat somebody else out, or there is a confession.

By Sunny on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 12:36 pm:

For little instances like spilling dog food or taking apart a flashlight, I tell whoever is closest to me to clean it up. I hear a lot of "it wasn't me" and "why should I do it?" and I tell them that the only thing I know for sure is it wasn't me and I do enough cleaning up after everyone, they can each help pick up the slack once in a while. I figure it eventually evens out at some point since they all are guilty of leaving messes behind.
For big offenses, I sit them all down and ask what happened. If I don't get an answer and can't figure it out myself (I'm pretty good at guessing who gets into what based on their interests), I lecture them about the importance of respecting other people's property and warn them if it happens again, I will hand out punishments (Usually in the form of a whole house cleaning by the whole family.)
It is kind of hard to get away with anything around here since the older boys help keep the younger ones in line and the older ones have learned that being up front with us results in less anger and builds trust.

By Frasersmama on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 02:01 pm:

I would ditto Vicki. Trust me, if everyone is getting punished, someone will rat out the offender, then they get extra punishment (or whatever you choose to do in this case) for lying.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 02:03 pm:

I tend to follow Sunny's approach.

By Tink on Monday, June 27, 2005 - 06:28 pm:

Thanks for all your input. I'd prefer not to have any of my kids ratting out another, especially since I have two that tend to gang up on the third. The whole point of me wanting to know who is responsible for a mess or problem is to teach them that if you make a mess, it is your responsibility to clean it up, not leave it for me or anyone else. The dog food was more than just a pile of spilled dog food. Someone had it spread throughout my living room and some of my kitchen. I specifically said that I didn't want to hear So and So did it, instead I wanted the person that did it to clean it up while I was in the other room, finishing up the laundry I'd been doing when it happened. I really had no idea who could have done it since none of my kids tend to make a mess just to make it. For now, everyone gets punished until someone comes forward. I hope that the pressure from the other siblings convines the guilty party into confessing but I was usually the "good girl" growing up and hated getting punished for something I hadn't done. It sounds like this is just something to deal with.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - 12:28 am:

Just as a thought, could it have been the dog? We had a basset hound that would get into the nuts and leave shells all over. My mom would get so mad and punish us all. We couldnt figure out who was doing it since each of us was postitive it wasnt us. Then mom caught the dog and apoligized.

By Tink on Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - 01:10 am:

Nope. I already thought of that but she was in the backyard the whole time.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - 07:48 am:

Geez, I must have done something wrong. At 20 and 21, I'm still getting the *not me's*! ROFL

By Tink on Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - 11:27 am:

Thanks, Karen! That's reassuring! *rolling eyes* The things I get to look forward to.