Drinking while babysitting
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
Drinking while babysitting
I wondered how you all feel about this....
My in-laws do not watch our 11mth dd very often, but when they do, they always drink beer while they are here. They are VERY big drinkers, and not at all in the sense that they get drunk, they just drink beer like I drink water! It's the first drink of the day and the last of the day for them. We, on the other hand, have a drink maybe once a year and dh has only had 1 drink in my presence in 13 years. (He's just not into it.) We've always kept beer in our home just for them, so that they are comfortable when they are here, but now I'm not so sure how I feel about them drinking while they're babysitting her.
Again, they are by no means alcoholics and do not usually get drunk unless it's a big occasion (like a wedding or new year's). My FIL has been known to have a few too many just during the day (they are both retired) but it's not a frequent thing at all. All of a sudden I just don't like it.
I noticed when I got home today (gone for about an hour) there were 3 beer cans in the trash, between the 2 of them. Now this isn't a lot by any means, but I know they've also had beers throughout the day before they got here, too. FIL just came from golf, so I KNOW he had multiples.
Am I being too picky? What do you all think?
I think they shouldn't babysit your child. Personally, I also wouldn't supply them with alcohol.
In my honest opinion, anyone who drinks beer like water on a daily basis has a drinking problem. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my kids with them.
Kate - I thought of that. I thought, since now dd is here, maybe we could just 'empty' the fridge of any beer while they are babysitting. If they are here in a social setting, then the beer could suddenly reappear I guess.
Trina - I somewhat agree with you, but also know that my in-laws are HILLBILLIES. I mean I think the hillbilly rule is that you always have a beer in your hand, you know? That's just the kind of people they are. So I guess I didn't think of it as a drinking 'problem' because it's just the way their whole family is. Honestly, I've never known people who can always have a drink in their hand and never seem drunk, but when you're caring for a child it's a whole different story to me.
Also, that is EXACTLY why they have never watched her for more than an hour or so, and that's only happened about 3x in a year.
It makes me feel better that you both don't think I'm being too picky.
Would love to hear from others, too! 
I wouldn't be comfortable having someone watch my kids if they were drinking. I don't know about any 'rules', but drinking continually throughout the day would indicate a problem to me, regardless of who it was.
How do you feel they are? do you see them getting drunk after drinking a couple of beers? Are there ocassions where they don't know what they are doing? or they act like normal? I feel i can tell when someone is drunk, and i know that if i drink one beer i start feeling tipsy. However, my dh likes beer and he can drink a few without even feeling a bit dizzy. If they have always done that, and they are fine after a few then i don't see a problem.
Do both drink the same quantity? Or does one of them drink a bit less than the other? My father and his wife when they are off-work they drink a lot, and not just beer. They would sit in the sun drinking a cocktail, then some champagne (she's French LOL), then some wine with lunch and then a digestive or two. During the day they would carry on drinking. My dad always manages to get drunk at the end of the day (this doesn't happen everyday), but his wife never gets drunk so i believe they balance themselves because they are responsible adults and they know someone has to stay a bit sober. I would leave my son with them if they lived a bit closer.
You know them better and you dh should now his parents and if their are responsible enough to know what they are doing. It all depends on how you and your dh feel. I don't think a few beers between the two of them will affect they way they look after your dd.
I am very familiar with alcoholism. A family member has this disease. I would call her a "functioning alcoholic". She runs a restaurant and seems to keep it together but...she starts her day drinking and continues all day long. She is definitely an alcoholic. If you met her you may not know. That doesn't change the facts.
She has had 3 DUI charges and various results from her problem.
If your relatives are drinking throughout the day, they have a problem. It is not typical for anyone to drink alcohol like water unless they have a problem. You also mentioned that a few only get drunk on special occasions. I think anyone getting drunk to get drunk has a problem. Just my opinion of course.
If it were me, my children would not be left with someone who drinks. Not even for an hour!
I also wouldn't be comfortable having someone watch my children that continually drank while taking care of them. IMO, that is a drinking problem, whether they are drunk from it or not. I'm not sure I would trust their judgement in case of an emergency and, if they are drinking this much, should they be driving? What if your dd was injured or sick? I definitely would not have beer in the fridge for them during babysitting duty.
I would not allow my inlaws or anyone for that matter to drink while watching my children. In our house there is always one sober person, usually me. Someone needs to be responsible. What if something happends and they need to drive. 1 drink is 1 too many to drive imho.
As someone else pointed out, there are what you call functioning alcoholics. Sometimes, even though one doesn't seem affected, their judgement is still hindered.
I live in the south, and I do not know of anyone who has a beer in their hand constantly. I also lived in the north, and saw more daily drinking there than I ever have here.
I would not leave my children in the care of anyone drinking. My brother-in-law is an alcoholic. My sister doesn't drink. I still will not allow them to watch my children simply because I don't want them in the presence of that. Not being judgemental. Just my feelings on it.
My husband and I drink occasionally. Not enough to get drunk, but never around the kids even so.
Mothers have a sort of sixth sense to them. Seems like yours is trying to tell you something. Many mothers live to regret ignoring their inner voice. Just do what you feel is best for your children and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. That's a mommy's job, after all!
No, I wouldn't do it bec I wouldn't want my son to think it was normal to drink beer like water.
No, I wouldn't let them babysit. Many people can "seem" fine while drinking, but it still isn't safe. I agree with a previous post about something happening and them needing to drive. Super scary!
I wouldn't allow anyone to get drunk while caring for my children, but my dad often drinks a couple beers at night, never gets drunk, is very responsible. (He's a police officer, he knows better) If he had a beer or two while caring for my kids I wouldn't be upset. Then again, he is still working full time, so he's not drinking during the day and into the night on a regular basis. Only you know how heavily they are drinking, how comfortable you are, etc, so it's a tough call. I do agree with the others who said drinking beer like it's water is overboard.
My dad was dating a lady, in the 2 hours we were gone, they had 3 wine coolers. I just thought it was unacceptable. We drink, not alot, but will have wine occassionally. BUT when grandparents babysit for such a short time I expect them to play with the babies. I would never play with my children with a drink in hand. I would drink at dinner, or while the kids were otherwise occupied and we were taking with adults, etc. Not that I try to hide it, but in general we don't drink in front of the kids.
The biggest question is now how do you deal with it. Two choices, either they don't babysit or they change. So you have to decide can they change? Instead of putting away ALL the beer, I would leave 1 on occassion. This way they don't bring their own. My inlaws are not alcoholics, but they do drink often. They don't sit for us much. I also have said if something were to happen just call us or call 911. YOu wouldn't have all the right paperwork to get them help.
Sorry not much help!
Ditto Trina, 100%! People who feel the need or have the desire to drink EVERY day have a substance abuse issue, IN MY OPINION - and that is JUST my opinion. I was married to someone like that. If they can't put their beer drinking aside while they are caring for your child, I wouldn't leave your child in their care. It is a no brainer, alcohol consumption impairs your judgment, slows your reactions. What if something happened while your child was in their care?
A note - alcoholics do not have to get drunk, or be drunk. It's the *need* to drink all the time that makes them alcoholics. I don't know why you don't consider them alcoholics. I am like Yvonne, my mother and her family were all alcoholics. My mother was a high functioning alcoholic until retirement. She went to work every day for years and did her job well. But as soon as she came home she made a cocktail and had one in her hand EVERY night until she went to bed. On weekends, she started with beer after coffee.
Alcoholism is a complex disease, if you have a parent who is an alcoholic, you are pretty much pre-disposed to that. Many people, like myself, are conscious of what their alcoholic family members did, and make decisions early on to NOT do the things they did. I am in no way an *alcohol Nazi* - I drink socially, though not often. Alcoholics turn to alcohol like drug addicts turn to drugs - usually to hide emotional pain and issues and *get through it*. It becomes habit, thus they become dependent.
When my mom babysat my kids, I made it clear that she could not drink when they were in her care. When they were a little older, meaning not infants/babies, she assumed it was *OK* to have a drink in the evening if she was babysitting them. Rather than fight a losing battle with her on this, I just stopped allowing her to babysit.
It's sad and unfortunate, but the truth is, you cannot depend on someone who is drinking to react and make the right choices, particularly in a crisis or emergency situation.
I don't even drink around DD. If I want a drink, DH can't have one and has to watch DD or I have my Mom watch her while DH and I go out for drinks. Needless to say, there is always a non-drinker around, even if I only have 2 drinks. So, I guess to answer your question, I think it's unacceptable to have them drinking while babysitting. It kind of shows where their priorities are.
My dad is an alcoholic, so I'm very familiar with the disease myself, but since they do not get drunk often I have never considered them to be alcoholics. Dad is an after 7:00 drinker, and I've rarely seen him drink. It's always been 'out' somewhere.
I haven't spoken with dh about this yet, but will. I appreciate everyone's opinions on this. I plan to remove the alcohol during their babysitting visits, but I can't control what they drink during the rest of the day, you know? There's no way we could (or I'm sure even have the right to) say "if you're babysitting on Tuesday at 3:00, you can't have anything to drink that day." That's a whole different issue I guess.
I don't think my MIL drinks anything while she babysits because I think she's just so busy with dd that she doesn't make the time. FIL on the other hand is not as busy with her, so I KNOW he does. He definitely drinks more than she does on any given day. (They usually come together, never FIL alone because he's completely clueless about children.)
Boxzgrl-I think you put it well when you said 'it kind of shows where their priorities are'. Drinking is a MAJOR priority for them, and when I look back now, they have embarrassed us on more than one occasion at a social function (where people were hardly drinking at all) where drinking was more of a priority than looking respectable in public.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with the 'hillbilly' statement; I guess around here we just have terms like that for certain TYPES of people, not just regionally. My dad is from the south and so is my MIL, lots of family there, so I'm a part of that area as well. I by no means meant that people from the south are hillbillies...just certain TYPES of people in general are labeled hillbillies around here
Maybe I could speak with my MIL about her remaining alcohol free the times that they are here.
It's already a little sticky with them because they are soooo different that dh and I regarding children. They will definitely think we are crazy when we talk to them about this because I know they already have a number of issues with us regarding our dd, not that we care because it's not their business, but we will surely get 'the look' and it will tick us of...again!
Thank you everyone!
Regardless of whether they are "alcoholics" or not, if they are responsible for your child, one of them at least needs to be able to drive and be able to keep their cool in case of emergency. I would discuss it with them and certainly not have any beer on hand when they are babysitting. It might be an uncomfortable conversation, but the safety of your child must come first.
But do they need to babysit at all?? Can't you just stop asking them to sit? Sure, let them visit, but merely stop asking them to sit. That would solve YOUR problem anyway!
Frasersmama-I agree.
Kate-that likely wouldn't go over well without an explanation. My parents also live here and watch her frequently. They would wonder what was going on.
I would rather speak with my MIL(which I don't look forward to anyway) and/or remove the booze so it's not available. Someone mentioned that they might bring their own, and if they do I guess then we'll have another issue to deal with.
I have to talk with dh about it tonight.
I am coming into this discussion a little late and it seems you've had some excellent advice.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I just wanted to add that trying to manage and control their drinking may prove to be more frustrating than helpful. Certainly, I would be honest with them about my concerns, but I would not expect them to change. If there is no alcohol in the house, they are just going to go out and but some.
You have to accept them the way they are.Then really look into your heart and decide whether this is safe and healthy for your child.
I hope everything works out.
I wouldn't say anything directly to them, but I would stop purchasing the beer just for them. If it were me, I would feel comfortable leaving my child with anyone that drinks like that. I just feel like, what is that going to teach your daughter in the long run? That it's okay to drink beer like water and you can do it all day long? I would personally be scared that your child may begin as she gets older that drinking is just the normal thing to do and she could easily become addicted to it the older she gets. That's just what I personally think. My biological mom was an alcoholic and she use to drink like this too and neglected us. She cared more for drinking than she did for her own family. Just be cautious.
Would you hire a babysitter with an add that reads "great babysitter, fun to be with, drinks beer while on duty, knows CPR"? I doubt it.
I wouldn't supply them with beer. I think that is encouraging it.
JMHO
I really think that not allowing them to baby-sit is the answer. How would you feel if something happened to your children while in their care? Is it necessary for you to have a baby-sitter? Just because they visit with you does not mean you need to leave your children with them. I would welcome visits but refuse to allow the kids to be left with them.
Good luck!
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