Okay my dd is 13.. and I don't know how to handle her attitude. I told her something she didn't want to hear this morning and she starts crying and yelling that she hates me and I am the meanest mom alive. In the past she has on occassion said she hates me but normally for being grounded or something like that. I just told her we had changed our plans for the 4th of July and were going to a different fireworks show and a few other things. Nothing bad in fact this whole thing was planned around/for her. I am really upset and just want some BTDT advice on how to deal with it.. I am really hurt by it and she doesn't seem to care.

By Texannie on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 03:27 pm:

Just walk away when she does something like that. When she is calm tell her that saying things like that won't be allowed and then figure out what you want the consequence to be for rude behavior. I tell my kids they are free to think whatever they want, that I can't forbid their thoughts, but in my house if it comes out of your mouth or across your face, I get your phone.
And she cares, but she can't dare so it.

By Tarable on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 04:50 pm:

That might work.. my biggest problem with today was that she is at her grandmother's right now and it was all over the phone.. I guess I must have done something right or my mom did because she called back later and apologized and told me that she didn't mean to say those things.. I told her that there were still consequences to those things but we would figure that out later.

By Debbie on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 05:07 pm:

Ditto Ann. I would walk away, or hang up(after telling her you are going to) when she talks to you that way. I would only talk to her when she is calm and respectful. And, definitely have a consequence when she is disrespectful. Make sure she knows the rules, then be consistant with it.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 07:12 pm:

I agree about walking away - never get into an argument with your child, because that reduces you to peer level and your child is not your peer. Good for your daughter that she called and apologized - it shows she recognizes what is and is not acceptable behavior. Yes, you and she should agree on consequences.

I'll share. My middle son, Greg, and I battled furiously for a couple of years after he hit the teens. One day he said to me - we can't talk about things when we're angry. We started calling a time out, even using the "time out" hand signal, and agreed that we would try really hard to not talk about contentious or serious things when one of us was angry. We didn't always succeed but most of the time it worked - we'd separate, cool down, think things over, and come back together to discuss. It sure made both our lives much easier while he finished being a teenager.

As for BTDT, you were a teenager. Didn't you ever battle with your Mom. I know I did. It felt, for a couple of years, that at least once a week one or both of us was in tears of anger. I wish my mom and I had been as smart as my son was, and learned how to call "time out".

And yes, children can express themselves *but* must do so respectfully, both in language and tone. That's a very important life lesson, and home is the place to learn it.

By Tarable on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 07:38 pm:

I guess that is the problem... I didn't battle with my mom.. what she said went and there was nothing else said or even discussed. There was no changing her mind even when I had very logical and good reasons for what I wanted. I have NEVER told my mom I hated her or ever thought that was an option. I was raised in an extremely strict house and there was NO talking back I can remember getting grounded from EVERYTHING for rolling my eyes once when I was about 13. So there was no way I was going to open my mouth.

I am going to sit her down and talk to her about it when she gets home tomorrow. I don't mind her telling me she doesn't agree with me but yelling at me and telling me she hates me isn't the way to get her point across and needs consequences.

Thank y'all

By Texannie on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 07:53 pm:

your daughter yelling at you reflects more on her changing hormones, battling for independence, testing boundaries than your ability to parent. don't take this personally.
you didn't know you would get punished for rolling your eyes till you did. well, now your dd will know you won't allow her behaviors.
it's almost like the behavior has to happen before you know you have to forbid it! LOL

By Mommyof5 on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 09:33 pm:

I so feel your pain!!!! My oldest dd will be 15 next month and we just had a doozy of an argument yesterday complete with the I hate you...you are rude and she threw in a few nasty names. She is now grounded from her phone and the computer for the rest of the summer due to the way she treated me yesterday but the only thing that kept it from being an even worse situation was that my dh's cousin who is from out of town called and said he had a flat tire and wanted to know if we had AAA that could help him. I went to help him and was gone for about an hour. When I got home we had both calmed down considerably and were able to have a pretty civil conversation. One thing with my dd and I see this with a lot of her friends as well is that she seems to think that she and I are equals. ie. If I can tell her what to do then she should be able to tell me what to do for example she says if it is OK for me to tell her to do the dishes then it is OK for her to tell me that she will be going to the mall in an hour and that I will be taking her. I see this same attitude with many of the girls her age in our neighborhood as well. They also think that teachers do not have the right to tell them what to do or to ride them about following the rules in class. Any of that type of "behavior" from adults is viewed as rude and is a license for the teen to be rude back. I don't know where this comes from as respect for adults and authority has always been something that dh and I have insisted upon our children showing but since she became a teen she thinks she, her father and I are "equals" and should be treated as such. Sorry to hijack your post but if anyone has any suggestions for my problem I am open to hearing them.

By Tarable on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 10:19 pm:

That is exactly what I see in my dd's friends too. There is almost no respect for adults and they are rude to EVERYONE especially their parents.

I have told my dd since birth that I love to hang out with her and have fun but I will never be her "friend" at least not until she is an adult and not under my roof. I am her mother and always will be. I am here to guide and raise her to the best of my ability.

Most of my dd's friends mom's seem to try to be their friends and not want to show them who is in charge. I know my dd gets a lot of her attitude from her friends and that is probably the first thing to go when she is in trouble, i.e. her phone, computer and going anywhere to see her friends.

I do realise that my dd's hormones are raging and possibly even more than normal because she has had 3 really bad periods in the past 45 days (really heavy but only last about 5 days long each) which she is going to the dr for next week. But I Don't think that hormones should be an excuse for anything (at least not at this point), I don't want her not trying to control them because she will have to at school because they are never going to care about her hormones and she has to learn that control somewhere and at home seems to be the best place.

I really wish these girls came with an instruction manual I really don't know how to handle her most of the time.. And all these female problems that she is already having.. I am the person who asked my OBGYN how I would know when I went into labor and he said it will be like very consistent cramps that get worse over time.. I looked at him and said.. "I have never had a cramp could you explain the feeling like you were talking to a guy please?" The nurse in the room about fell on the floor laughing and explained in more graphic detail about what the feelings are.. but said that if i never had cramps before I was in for a surprise... I think as far as this stuff goes I am almost as lost a most single dad's.

By Texannie on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 09:16 am:

OMG Tammy, my dd is the same way! She has actually looked at me stunned and said 'so you can be rude to me and I have to take it?' LOL
(of course he definition of rude is a myriad of mom things LOL) I have told her she doesn't live in a democracy and if she is lucky, she lives with a benevolant dictator, but that depends on her attitude.