We are moving about an hour away from current address. My girls are really having trouble with the idea. We lost our home to Hurricane Katrina. Since then, in the past three years, we have moved four times. Now I am moving them one more time. We are planning to be in this home for a long while. I need to know how to help my girls adjust to new schools and neighborhoods. My oldest is in shut-down mode. She doesn't like to talk to me or anyone in the family. She wants her friends. I understand this, but I don't want it to be a permanent state of mind. She tells me she HATES me daily. I am so hurt. Please give me some advice to make them see that the move is necessary.

By Nicki on Tuesday, June 24, 2008 - 07:17 pm:

Deneen, I don't think I have any real advice for you, I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and your situation. You and your family have been through a lot. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one's home in a hurricane. I imagine it's taken it's toll on all of you. And now you are dealing with one of the biggest stressors, moving once again.

My parents moved a lot when I was young, so I can sympathize with your girls. I remember going into a "shut down" mode at the age of thirteen when my parents announced we were moving again. I was so angry with them and I took it out on my mom.(Of course, at that age, I would have probably been angry with them regardless!) As an adult, of course I see that my parents were always trying to make things better for all of us. It was the transitions that I found so scary. I didn't feel in control and I really needed to feel like I controlled something.

Do you feel your daughter is dealing with depression? Do you think she may need someone like a counselor to help her work through some of her feelings? Just wondering, because obviously you have all been through a lot of change and hardship.

((Hugs)) to you. It must hurt so when she lashes out at you. If it's any consolation, I lashed out at my mom for much the same reasons, yet I know now I just needed someone to carry some of my anger through that time. I never really hated her, just what was happening and how it was making me feel. I think some people have a harder time adjusting to change. I hope some of the other moms have some advice for you.

By Luvn29 on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 09:53 am:

Wow! I'm just not sure what to tell you. It must be very hard to go through that many moves as a child. I'm sure at this point, even though you tell them this is going to be a long-term move, they just don't believe it. She's just reacting the only way she knows how.

I don't have any experience with this, as we have lived in the same place since we've been married. We will be moving to another state within the next year, but right now, I don't have any advice because I've never gone through it.

I hope you get some advice from someone. You might want to try posting on the general board.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 12:15 pm:

We moved constantly, from birth until I was 14 years old, my dad was in the Air Force. We lived in four different states before I even started school.. Then I attended 1 preschool, 2 kindergartens, 3 first grades, 2 second grades, 1 third grade, 2 fourth grades, 1 fifth grade, 2 sixth grades, 2 seventh grades, 2 eight grades, 1 nine through 11 and then I switched schools my senior year by choice, took classes at a vocational school. 20 schools in 13 years... I have lived in Ohio off and on, this is where my parents are from. But I was born in Biloxi Mississippi, at Kessler Air Force Base. I have lived in Mississippi, Wisconsin, Arizona, Massachusetts, California, and as I said Ohio. We lived in Biloxi twice. We lived in Buckeye (twice), Flagstaff, Glendale, Phoenix Arizona, not in a row but over the years, dad kept getting stationed there. I spent two years in North Truro, Massachusetts. I have lived in four cities in Ohio, and went to all of the school districts in those towns at least twice, years apart (I finished out 8th grade in the same school I had finished K in and started 1st in and I attended 3 years of high school with kids I had gone from the end of 2 through October of 4th grade year with) but some of the kids remembered me when I returned when I was older. I lived in Fullerton, California for part of 7th and the beginning of 8th.

Lets just say, I moved around ALOT and more than any child should be made to relocate. It was completely unfair and very painful to live through, but I did it. There were positives that came out of it and some negatives but it was the life my father choose. For example, I do not have any childhood friends... We moved so much and the lives of teens are very busy, we would attempt to stay in touch, but in time we would move on to new friends and the contact would eventually stop. I know so many people, yet I know none of them, know what I mean? In time you become afraid of making friends, you grow to not want to take the time to get to know people, because good byes are extremely painful. Kids are cruel and adjusting to a new school was very rough, when we lived in Mississippi the second time the kids were so harsh to me, I talked funny on and on, all because I was the new kid, and I would become physically ill having to deal with the stress of facing them every day. I mean seriously, I would get a weeks notice we were moving, some times a months notice and we would start packing. We never unpacked everything in 14 years, a lot of our stuff lived in storage in Arizona off and on because dad knew we would be going back after his training and there was no point in dragging everything cross country just to end up back there. I remember a couple of moves that happened during the summer, where I couldn't even say goodbye to the few friends I had made. I remember crying every time, even when I was making the last move back to Ohio, and I knew it was the last move.. I remember a major period of adjustment and I remember thinking my parents had no clue what I was being forced to go through. They had attended school from K through 12 with the same people. My mom grew up in Marysville Ohio, my dad in Ostrander Ohio. They both were born and raised in one houses, never moved, attending the same churches their whole lives, playing sports with the same kids and both some 38 years later still have their best friends from elementary school they are in touch with. They looked at the moves as advancements to my dads career, they both looked at it as if they were providing for their family... It wasn't until I was 14 and my dad was due to reup, I over heard a conversation between them, and I told him if he reupped I wanted to go be sent to live with my grandparents.

I have no suggestions, other then to try to be understanding of the pain she is going through, because the pain is real... I honestly do not think you can "help" her through this, other than being there and not taking her "moods" too personal. You can not say anything that is going to make this any less stressful or hurt any less. Other than you know she is in pain, that you are sorry she is in pain, and if there was anyway you can help you will. She has a lot to work through and as mature as she might be there is no maturity level high enough to over come the stress of the unknown, the drama of having to be the new kid, and all of this happening out of your control.

If she seems overly depressed, overly distressed, you might want to look into someone for her to speak too. But honestly unless they have been through it I can't say they will be of much help, but at least she will see you do care and are on her side.. Kind of like a person that has never had parents divorce, telling a child that has parents divorcing that it will all be okay.. How do you know???

Anyway, sorry I can't be of much help..

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 12:51 pm:

Two post in a row, sorry... IF this move is for the best, IF this move has to happen.. Then they have no choice but to deal with it, and they will, just give them time.. The unknown is stressful and as I said no maturity level can cope with so much unknown with out a bit of emotional upheaval and the girls will likely feed off of the attitude of each other. If the one with the strongest personality starts to adjust the other will likely follow suit. They call it "group think". It happens in most situations were people are together.. The people with the strongest personality types tend to "rule" the thoughts of the other people. This is how the whole bully mentality starts in school. This is exactly why cult leaders get followers, they have a strong personality type and over time they can tell people to die for them and they will. Anyway, work on the strongest willed child first.. Take her to the town you are moving her to, point out the positives of the new house, the locality of the things in the town, show her the things she "likes" there can also be found in the new town, and getting them moved before the school year starts so that they can start meeting people before they have to face the dread of walking into school the first day helps.. They apparently have computer access, if so this will keep them in touch with their friends (something I didn't have) and an hour drive isn't that far, for weekend sleep overs, people drive further than that to go shopping. Callie's best girlfriend lives 45 minutes away, they text each other every day, they talk to each other through myspace daily and they only see each other maybe every three months, but they still consider each other best friends, and we have lived in the town we live in for 14 years... They make it work. Modern technology offers a lot of possibilities so that your girls do not have to loose touch with their dearest friends. Now a boyfriend might be a totally different situation, long distant relationships with young people generally don't work, and we both know that young love comes and goes. They might act and think it is the end of the world, they will grieve for a bit but they will move on.. I remember that "pain" too and I survived, although don't talk about it, unless they want to.. LOL My mom's opinions on my love being puppy love, just set me off, honestly, and only made things worse. That was something I had to live through on my own, to see that it all worked out in the end, and nothing she could have said would have made it any better. After all what did she know?? She was just my "mom".

Just be positive and like I said take them there, find out where the things they like are, simple google search should pop those things up and let them see the town isn't "children of the corn'ish". LOL and don't be surprised if they aren't a bit snarky.. Like I said, try not to take it personally, I know that is hard, but I am sure they are just directing their frustration where they feel safe. That doesn't mean take it, by no means, but try not to allow it to hit you to hard. If you are doing the right thing for your family, they will get over it in time. Just say something, "I am sorry you feel that way, but you are not going to be snappy with me." and move on. "I will excuse your tone this time, because I understand you are in a lot of pain at this moment but you are not going to speak to me like that again." Arguing with them only feeds into their justification of being put out, neglected, abused, by this move, this is generally how most teens work. In their mind it is you against them and when you don't agree, don't allow them to, don't give in, that you don't care, love them, so on and so forth. They can't see past how this is impacting them, teens are very "me" oriented, at least until they "fall in love" then they become very "him/her" oriented.

You will make it through this, just stay focused on this is the right thing to do, and stay positive about the move.

By Debbie on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 02:33 pm:

I'm not sure how old your dks are?? We have moved a lot over the past few years. My dks are now 10 and 8. The best thing I can suggest is to get them involved right away in activities they enjoy. This will help them make friends with common interests.I would also see if you can get a tour of their new school before school starts. We were able to do that two of the times we moved. Other then that, I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open, and be as understanding as possible. If your dds are old enough, I would have a heart to heart, explain that you have no choice in moving, and that you understand how hard it is, and that you are there for them. It is very hard, I know this first hand. We moved when I was in junior high, and it was very hard. However, my family didn't have a choice either. I would also let them know, that while they are not happy about it, they are not to be hateful or disrespectful towards you. And, like Bobbie said, I would try not to take it personal. The unknown is very scary. Heck, as an adult, it was hard everytime we moved. It is even worse for teenagers. Hopefully, with time, and understanding she will soon come around.

By Karen~admin on Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 10:13 am:

Debbie, her DD's are 11 and 14.

Deneen, I will call you later on today.