Sad and frustrated
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
Sad and frustrated
This is just a vent...
My sons are on a competative swim team. My 9 year old was on it last year and did okay. He isn't a great swimmer, but he holds his own. He LOVES it. That makes me really encourage him besides the added benefits of exercise which he really needs and great for his JRA. last year my dd did it, she is not a good swimmer, she honestly is difficult and was uncoachable. Well in the end she was always last and chose not to come back this year. Then there is the little guy. He is a NEW swimmer, he wants to swim, mostly because his brother does. He is so excited, but his ability hasn't caught up with his brain. He tries so hard, but as many other posts have said, he is different. So he needs lots of hands on. When he gets something, he gets it and excels. BUT we aren't there yet. But this is a competetive team, they don't want him if he can't swim. Well he CAN do the required 25 yards, but doesn't always choose to. I just hate dealing with their looks, and the overall feel that he doesn't belong. Part of the issue is, it is still cold water for her, (75 degrees in the water today) so the coaches don't get in, he just needs more instruction than that. We are at the beginning of the season. I know by june he will be great. It is just the beginning. But I know we have all been there, we know what our kids are capable of doing and it is just frustrating to see the coaches doubt that. Personally I had not planned on signing him up, but he came to me with piggy bank in hand and started counting money and said I want to swim, how much is it? He really is determined, and techincally he has made the team, but I know the coaches wish he would quit. I feel like such a bad parent because I know in some ways right now is too much, we should have done lessons for the past month, but we didn't. And if we were to quit he would still have to hang out at all the meets and practices and that would be brutal for the boy who really wants to do this.
Anyway, I know time will fix this, but in the meantime I am just terribly sad. I am unhappy that he isn't working a little harder (but that is who he is) He is working hard for him, it just looks different. He spent 15 minutes today standing there with his head tilted, ear in the water, swaying back and forth. I know him, I know he is trying to adjust to the water in his ears and the feel when you breathe, he works on each part so independently, but the coaches see this as messing around. If I didn't know him I would agree. It is times like this that a dx is nice, you go to the coaches and say, he is autistic or he has a sensory disorder, he has to do things on his own time, but I promise he will catch up once it feels right. But we don't, so I just try to smile and nod and talk him through it...but they just don't get him.
Kind of funny side note, 2 years ago he refused to get into water, would be hysterical, we knew it was sensory, but couldn't pin point his issue. Last year when we were buying the team suits (they are like biker shorts) he looks at them and says "i bet that keeps the water off", sure enough his issue was the "openness" of a regular swimsuit, it was just too airy for him and too much water was in and out of his privates..LOL. So we bought him one and problem solved. IF only everything in life was this simple.
It is days like this that remind me, my son is not normal. Out of the other 40 swimmers his age, not a single one has his issues. UGH. I think I will go have some chocolate now.
Vent away anytime you want to, Kaye. I know how you feel. You've probably noticed me venting on here plenty of times about my two grandsons. Most of the time other people don't "get" them either, and it makes me feel sad. The issue you mentioned about your son and his swim trunks struck close to home here. When our older grandson was younger, he absolutely refused to wear regular swim trunks once they got wet. We bought him a pair of speedos, and this took care of the problem. Sensory integrative disorder was the first diagnosis we were given for him. Hang in there, and continue to be a strong advocate for your son.
Hugs, Kaye. You know I can sympathize. It is so hard to be in such a tough position. I'm really proud of you for not encouraging him to quit since he's not where the coaches want him to be at this point. It is supposed to be about his enjoyment and it sounds like he is enjoying it. I hope that he doesn't realize that he isn't meeting their expectations so that he is able to completely enjoy it.
 I'm sorry, Kaye. Your poor son. Perhaps just swim lessons, not a competitive swim team would be better? At any rate, just think what the coaches will think when he suddenly gets his groove and takes off in a few weeks! 
God bless you. You must be an amazing mother. God knew you would be just the right person to raise your kids. They are lucky to have you. Do you have any colleges near you? Perhaps you could pay a college swimmer or older competitive swimmer to give one on one lessons to your son. That way he would get the extra time in to reach his full potential without the pressure of a competitive swim team. Good luck!!!
'Out of the other 40 swimmers his age, not a single one has his issues. UGH. I think I will go have some chocolate now.'
You are being too hard on yourself!! I guarantee you those other kids have issues in *something*. lol Maybe not in the pool-- but Math, English, Attitude, etc...
Chocolate seems to be my answer to everything. You just cant go wrong with chocolate can you?? LOL
I hope you feel better soon. You paid you fee's- their job is too coach him. These are kids. Yes its competitive- but they are still LEARNING. They are kids. If the coaches have an attitude with your ds then they are not doing their job imo. Their job is to teach the kids how to swim, correct? Not kick the kid off the team who doesnt do it all perfectly? That kind of makes me angry. Makes me want to come down there and have chat with your coaches! lol But I'll spare you. ;)
Do you have a non comp team around you that you could switch too?
I am sure that you have thought of this, but is there a way that he can go early and get into the pool and get used to the water etc before class starts? Like if class starts at 5:00pm, maybe he can get there and in the water by 4:45 pm? Perhaps he would then be more ready to do the class???
We will pay a coach for special lessons, but we just can't do that until school is out. We already are at the pool from 4:00 to 6 as it is.
I would love to pop him out and just let him have lessons, but he desperately wants to be on THIS team. He spent all last year watching the meets and wants to be a pirahna.
We are going to let him practice with the younger team for the week and see if that helps. A lot of children on the 7-8 team have been competeting for a couple of years, so they don't need as much instructing. But the 5-6 team is just starting and so I am hoping it is better. We can move him back anytime, but I am hoping if there are other kids who need more help they won't look so condescendingly at me. (and I think I am making up words now..LOL)
The comment you made about him not having any like peers on the team reflects good on you, not bad on you. You are a parent that is trying to provide a normal childhood experience for a child that isnt quite normal according to standards. I would go ahead and make it very known that he has issues, it makes you life alot easier and will actually make the coaches, kids and the other parents more at ease. My little guy has speech delays and some physical delays. I make sure that everyone he meets knows this. I am much more likely to get help, the "looks" stop, and people are generally very patient with him.
Although he does have issues, he doesn't really "have" anything. He is officially diagnosed as quirky. Which means he certainly has some sensory issues, not enough to qualify for a dx. He really is doing so much better than he was 3 years ago, but he just isn't the average kid, which makes me happy, but then again makes me sad and frustrated.
I wouldn't torture myself, but if I could I would focus on ds and how much he enjoys it. I wouldn't even look at the coaches or I would explain the situation to them depending.
Sounds like he is well above average in swimming already.
Also sounds like you have everything under control.
I was in two swim teams in high school. We were always last at every meet. I think I was the only one who knew how to swim back stroke, but I swam it so slow... LOL...
We enjoyed it anyway...
LOL Feona, he is not an above average swimmer. In texas we live in the water, most kids can get well across the pool by age 3 or 4. the local swim teams have to enforce an age limit because of diaper issues, etc. You must by 5 by may 1...LOL.
Anyway, today went much better for him with the younger class. He is just much more on par with them. He was still in the slower lane, not the slowest. I think he liked it better too. I wish he could race with his "mental age", not his chronological one..LOL.
He is probably swimming faster than me at this point!
Well yesterday was the final "test". They only do this with the 6 and unders, but they take the lane ropes off one lane, so there is one wide land and they line up and have them swim across. If you don't make it, you are not allowed to be onthe team. It took him two tries, but he did make it..LOL. He was by far the slowest (and the only one who had to go twice). But it is okay, he was very happy with himself. Anyway, so this age is a better fit for him, He will stay practicing here until we think he is ready to move up. Sizewize he fits better here too. The best part is at the end of practice the reward was they got to jump off the diving board, well that isn't going to happen in his world. But I did convince him to jump off the side and swim in, the first jump he turned and didn't really let go of the wall, but we said you can't do that it isn't safe, jump out into the water and HE DID IT!!! And more important, he even liked it, said maybe next week he will try the board (you get to do the board on fridays). Anyway, Yea for him, yea for our family!
Sounds like you've found an excellent compromise. Let him grow a bit, practice a bit, and move up from there. And it sounds like he is already trying something that he wasn't comfortable with before.
^5 to you, Kaye, and your ds!
YEAAAAAAHHHH!!! ^5's all around!!! And, yeah for mommy too!!!
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