Grandparents
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
Grandparents
My second post today....I'm on a roll! 
Do you feel that grandparents sometimes create issues with your child(ren)? It's a waaaayyyyy long story but our dd is almost 10mths. We waited 6 years before TTC. We live in our hometown with both sets of grandparents within half hour or less. We contemplated moving out of the state several times prior to conceiving because neither of us really likes Indiana, but we always decided against it because it was important for us for grandparents to be close if at all possible. (We both have great jobs here.)
BUT...ever since dd arrived last June it seems like g'parents have been the biggest problem to deal with!! His parents are standoff-ish, see her once a week for 15min., are not baby friendly, and his dad is MR. MACHO (which I already knew but it's terrible with a baby!)He's one of these guys that doesn't hang around the baby much because in his mind 'women take care of babies, men work and drink beer'. My dh is NOTHING like that, and neither is his brother. It's amazing that they both didn't turn out to be jerks, too! One the other hand, my parents are like a kid ride at Kings Island....they are soooo kid friendly and dd *loves* them, is close to them. DD still screams everytime his parents walk in the door. I've never seen anything like it. His parents act like dd has a problem, but she is fine with everyone but the two of them.
I feel guilty because my parents have a great relationship with her, I feel bad for dh because his parents have let him down and hurt his feelings (prior to this he's always been close with them), and we feel like we are constantly making up excuses why dd doesn't like to be around them or that we're sticking up for her. If we say we don't understand why she doesn't seem to like them, they seem offended, but if make excuses we're lying.
A lot of this is just a vent I guess....dh and I discuss it ALL the time, trying to make them more involved, etc., but nothing seems to work. I personally am just getting fed up and to the point where I could care less what they do! It's his parents 1st grandchild as well, with one other son that has no plans for a baby. It's my parents 9th grandchild.
Do any of you find that there are problems with g'parents in some way? I know many of you live away from your parents so I don't know if you all have any experiences or advice to give? Maybe not....I'm really just ranting, too!!!!
My mom said that maybe it's because I'm not their daugther, but I've always been fairly close to them up until the last year or so.
I would just accept that this is who they are. Some people just aren't baby people. We used to live 5 minutes away from my in-laws. Yet when I needed help, I wouldn't call them. I always felt like I was intruding on them by asking for anything. So many times I had wished it was my parents that were close! Now that our kids are older, my in-laws are really great. They will now ask to have the kids for a couple of days and always have a great time with them. When they were babies and toddlers, they just didn't know what to do with them. I think you will feel much better if you just understand who they are and what they are and are not capable of. Lucky for you your parents are also close and are so good with her.
None of my family lives nearby, but Nate's parents are in the process of moving here from Indiana. His dad moved here to take a job last summer, his mom stayed behind so her youngest could graduate HS in their hometown and will be here for good on 2 June. (The kids' paternal biological grandparents don't live nearby either, and aren't really a part of their lives) They don't have any biological grandchildren, but have become very close to my kids. I think a big part of that is age, my kids are toddlers, and toddlers are easier to bond with than infants for some people. Nate's dad isn't the most child friendly person (but he's a school teacher and coach, go figure! LOL) person sometimes, but we've seen a big change in him since he's been around the kids, he has really blossomed into the "grandparent" role. It's actually been really surprising, Nate's mom will call us and say "Oh, he's so excited to take the kids *there*" or "He said he saw *this* at the store and wants to get it for the kids!", and when we go to his house on Sundays he spends the whole time playing with them. Perhaps as your DD gets older, your DH's parents will get more comfortable with her. I'm kind of rambling here, but what I'm trying to say is give it time. It seems kind of common that men in particular have trouble bonding until the child is older, especially older men who come from a generation of "babies are a mother's responsibility".
I know I've had an roller coaster ride with both sets of grandparents at different times. My mother-in-law used to love nothing more than being a grandmother. She wouold always say "why don't you go do something, I'll watch the kids" then all of the sudden when i was pregnant the third time, on bedrest and could have used help more than ever she suddenly couldn't without complaining and that got annoying. I mean, she could say no instead of whining around right? She also became a source of disciplinary issues. I finally had to say " look these are MY kids?" you know? But when mil started backing off my mom stepped up to the plate whereas I had a rocky relationship with her at first. She thought I was too young to marry and have kids so it was hard to be around her for awhile. Now mil watches the kids more but she goes from one extreme to the other which is hard on my ds- he worships her. But her health isn't what it used to be. BUt she also works in childcare so maybe sometimes she's had a bad day with other kids, but these are her grandchildren! I don't know, they all drive me crazy lol!!!
My in-laws see my children (2 of their only 3 grandchildren...and the other lives far away) on Holidays. Period. Oh, did I mention that at one time, they lived within a minute away, and now they live oh, 5 or 10 minutes away.
My mil is a nurse and has several days off in a row, but she NEVER calls or visits or asks for the children to visit her. And my fil doesn't work, and he never does either. Actually, he hasn't seen the kids since Christmas when I held Christmas dinner at my house. He didn't come for the 30 minute visit for Valentine's Day or Easter, and they insisted we not come to their house, they would come to ours.
My daughter just finished up basketball tonight, and my mil made it to one game, and my fil none.
However, my parents live next to us, we moved here due to my health problems and my husband working night shift. Someone needed to be around.
They see the kids all the time, and can't stand going more than a day or two without seeing them. They do drive me nuts sometimes because we clash at times when I try to discipline, but all in all, they do quite a bit to help us out. There are some issues with my mom watching the kids, and with us doing sooooooooo much for them at times, and feeling like we owe them sometimes, but we all have a pretty good relationship.
But the entire issue with my in-laws drives me and my husband crazy, and my kids don't understand, though, unfortunately, they are starting to understand more than I care for. We've done everything in the world, practically moved mountains trying to get my in-laws involved, and nothing does it. You can't change the way someone is, I guess, but you don't have to like it.
Luvn29- I can so relate! My in-laws are both retired, while my mom still works 40 hours a week and tries to come over after work as often as possible.
I don't think it's fair to expect 4 entirely different people to react to your child the same way. My father 'saw' my children from day one all the time, but didn't really 'do' anything with them, they were babies. As they started growing up, he became more and more involved with them. They have great relationships. My mil wasn't really a baby person either, but she has a great relationship with the kids now too.
I had 2 totally different kinds of grandparents growing up. My dad passed away when my kids were still very young, he lived in another state and they were actually just really getting to know each other, so I don't know *what* he would have been like.
My mom loved my babies and my other 2 kids and was warm and giving and nurturing with them, moreso than I can remember her being when I was growing up, but she was also a bit nervous, especially when they were small.
My X's parents were the kind of grandparents who would see the kids just a few times a year and they were the *formal* grandparent type. Didn't really let their hair down and relax with them, the type that has you over for dinner.... they did have an Easter egg hunt every year for the grandkids, but that's the *warmest* thing they ever did. And they NEVER called and asked to see the kids, not once.
Point is, as Melanie said, you can't change them. Everyone is different, and grandparents are, I suspect, often very different with grandkids than they were with their own kids.
If you are really concerned about the relationship your DD has with your DH's parents, you might speak candidly, but tactfully, with them. Who knows.......it could make all the difference in the world.......
Your inlaws see your infant every week? Did I read that right?
My inlaws (fil/stepmil and mil/stepfil) see my children 1 or 2 times a yr and they sure dont make the visit *all about the kids*... Even after going so long without seeing them. This is the first yr they have done anything for ds bday (he is 5 yo now!!!!!!!!) they gave him a matchbox car. My step mil pulled thru this yr too and mailed him a check for his bday. I have no idea what that was about. But I can tell you I know for a fact they get my sil's kids things *all* the time. Oh well.
My ds doesnt even know how to act around them because he doesnt see them very much. He becomes completely overwhelmed and acts up the entire time.  Its pretty sad.
I figured out real quick not to let it bother me. My family (parents and sisters and grandparents) more than makes up for the lack of love on dh's side. lol
Dont expect so much, then you wont be disappointed and annoyed.
My mom and dad live out of town but it's still only probably 15-20 minutes away they have always been good with the kids.When my husband was away with the military my kids had to stay 3 out of 7 evenings at my mother and father in laws and thankfully that worked out great.My mom usually calls for one of the boys on the weekends Alex is the one who usually goes because he would rather be around adults than kids ( i don't blame him i was the same way lol) and Nicholas rather spend the night at his cousins or go visit with them and come home at night..Thankfully they have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents = ) they see more of Danny's parents since we are all interested in racing but we try to go out to my parents every sunday except for when we have races..
Sorry I don't have time right now to read everyone else's posts, but I do have a suggestion...
Usually kids respond to high voices and smiles...could you say (in front of the grandparents) "DD, don't you like it when they smile at you and play with you and your toys?" (Real playful like and in a high voice) Maybe they'll get enough hints on how to connect with her. Playing with the toys helps and then transition the grandparents into play time with you there...then, just get further away and don't look at her while you're doing dishes? Sometimes they are so distracted by toys and yet so intrigued by them that the grandparents can interact with them that way.
Connor had a hard time warming up to Scott's dad so I had to use the toy trick.
If they want her to warm up to them, you might have to give them some hints on how to do it. Do they bring toys?
I think the trick here is to let it go. They will probably never be the grandparents you wish they would be, but you will have to deal with the grandparents your dd got. Some people do have a harder issue hanging out with babies. So what do you tell them, really you smile and nod and don't say anything. I would be offended if i was told my grandchild didn't like me. The truth is your child hasn't decided what to think and needs some comfort that things will be okay. Maybe you could have something for the them to do with her, suggest the bring cookies or something she likes (you could even provide that). Some kids just take longer to warm up to some adults, it is okay.
I have inlaw story after story, but in all honestly I know they love my kids and do the best they can. My children prefer my dad best, but only because he has spent lots of time with them, he calls them and asks them questions, sends cards, etc. My FIL doesn't know how to talk to kids on the phone, so my kids miss out (they are NOT phone talkers). He does his best to visit, but he works a lot. We do great vacations with him (although the kids are just as happy hanging out at his pool).
My MIL she is another story, we live too far for her to be involved. She has just started spending time with the other grandkids, but she doesn't see mine expect holidays. My kids just now think about her and know her, but for a long time they didn't even recognize pictures of her.
All in all for me it is sad because the two grandmothers they had were wonderful and my perfect picture of what grandparents should be. But the reality is we have what we have and we can find things to appreciate or we can lose out on the type of relationship they do have to offer.
Kaye- I think you're totally right about just letting it go. Sometimes it's just makes me so mad and I have to vent about it (and dh wasn't home! ) Someone else above said don't expect so much and then you won't be let down. That's really true, too.
I hate having to count on my parents for babysitting/granparent time, but I guess that's just the way it's going to be. I need to quit stewing about it!!!
Thanks everyone.
My parents are all my kids have right now, since both of Gary's parents have passed away now. His dad was not a real touchy-feely grandpa, but sometimes, when we were at Walmart, he would buy them a little trinket and he ALWAYS had something for Valentine's Day, Easter, their birthdays and Christmas! He was usually interested in what they were doing. He also had macular degeneration, so he couldn't see the best, so that probably hampered his efforts a bit, too.
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