DD (Gr. 4) just came home with an invitation to a sleepover birthday party. Problem is, I don't know this child or her family at all. Have never even met them. DD has gone to several sleepovers, but I have known all the families, have been to their houses, and was comfortable letting her go. Of course DD wants to attend this party. I can at least call the mother to inform her of DD's severe food allergies, asthma and pet allergies, etc., but I'm still not comfortable. I mentioned to DD the possibility of going to the party but not sleeping over, but of course that went over like a lead balloon. Argh...

By Debbie on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 04:29 pm:

The joys of sleepovers. Ds(age 10) just had one for his birthday, but I knew all the families of the kids invited. Thankfully, I have not been in your situation. I wouldn't be comfortable either if I didn't know the parents. Oh, the joys of parenthood. Is there a way you can have this child and her mother over before the party?? Maybe that would help you feel more comfortable.

By Kate on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 04:34 pm:

Maybe when you call the mom you'll get a better sense of what the family is like. I would just be honest though and say you don't allow sleepovers until a few playdates have occurred and ask if perhaps you and B could come over for a short playdate so everyone feels more comfortable. You can fall back on your allergy excuse if you need to, if you're feeling embarrassed or feeling she thinks you're overprotective. I'm super protective and have never allowed sleepovers to houses I don't know either.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 06:00 pm:

My first instinct is to say no, because you don't know this child or her family, which means the family doesn't know your daughter, or her severe food allergies and asthma. Having been an over-protective (my sons' word) mother, and a "mean mom" (my words), I would have no problem saying no.

And aside from the allergy/asthma issues (which I do take very seriously), if you don't know this family you don't know their values. You don't know how tightly or loosely they will chaperone, what kinds of behavior they will or won't allow.

By Vicki on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 06:23 pm:

Maybe they will have a pet and you can use that as an excuse to not allow her to go!! LOL

Do you know any of the other kids that are going? The few times dd was invited to a party that I was unsure of, as long as some of her "regular" friends were going to be there and their parents knew the parents, I felt better about it. Maybe you can check around with some of the parents you are friends with to see if they are familiar with the family etc.

At the very least, you should talk with the mom and explain her allergies etc and see if it is even an option for her to be in the home.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 07:40 pm:

I, personally, would not let her go.
We do not let our kids go to anyones house that we do not know.
I understand that it is a hard decision.
Maybe call the mom and see how you feel about it afterwards (your gut feeling after talking with her).
Good luck!

By Texannie on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 07:44 pm:

I don't have the health concerns, but I know once my kids hit middle school, they were invited to more and more things where I didn't know the family. I found most moms (parents) had no problem with me calling them up and asking questions. In fact, most of the other moms appreciated it. Yes, and it was a big leap of faith sometimes and sometimes, i just didn't get a good vibe and we found a reason for things not to work out. Checking with other parents is good too.
I suggest you call the mom. Explain in detail and then give her the out of saying 'i know you realize how important adhering to her special needs, would it be easier for you if she just came for part of the party?'

By Reds9298 on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 11:01 pm:

I like Kate's idea of just being honest about your policy of sleeping over. We will be the same way and wouldn't allow it without a few meetings first. I'm sure this can be a bit of a sticky situation, but if the mother doesn't understand then she's probably not the kind of family you would allow dd to sleepover with anyway. Good luck!!

By Jewlz on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 12:47 am:

if u are honest about the rules of sleep overs u dont have to keep makin exscuses and she will help u to get to know the friends parents before u are put in this position to say no. yes she has allergies that is life threatening but my kids had strict rules about sleep overs and parties and play dates. being upfront and letting them know the boundaries and rules gives them responsiblity and lets u check on the family and parents. not easy to dealwith but we have to put our kids first.

By Texannie on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 08:08 am:

is it your rule, Trina, or has it just never come up?

By Kaye on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 09:01 am:

We have only had to deal with this once, and it was in middle school. What I did was first I found out who else was going. Then I called the moms of those I knew. Turns out a couple of them knew the family. So it was okay by association. I also did a watch dog search on the family name, just in case.

But you through in a life threatning allergy. I think it might just be right to be the bad parent. Basically she can skip dinner (you can feed her early), but with too long of a time there just isn't an option not to eat and people just aren't careful.

By Tayjar on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 02:52 pm:

We do a happy medium on these situations. I will allow DD or DS to go but not stay over. I drop them off and get a feel for what it going on. That is when I state in front of my kids what time I will be picking them up. I also call other parents to see what they are doing and if anyone knows the family.

By Trina~moderator on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 06:10 pm:

Thank you, everyone! Glad to see I'm not alone with my concerns. B is angry with me for not giving her the green light as of yet, but I've made it clear she will not be going if I'm not comfortable with the situation. This is the first time something like this has come up. I think we may invite the girl over for a play date so that I can meet the parents and see how that goes.

By Mrsheidi on Sunday, May 11, 2008 - 04:40 pm:

I'm just surprised the parents would invite a kid that *they* don't know or haven't met the parents either...how many were invited, do you know?

By Trina~moderator on Sunday, May 11, 2008 - 05:16 pm:

DD thinks only one other girl, other than herself, was invited, but we don't know for sure. I think it's odd too, Heidi.

By Eve on Monday, May 12, 2008 - 08:14 am:

I would give the Mom a call and trust your instincts. B is very strong willed and outspoken. The kids are both very outspoken and knowledgable about their allergies. I think if the Mom knew, she would also be on alert. If B really wants to go and likes this girl, then I don't see the issue with it. She can call you if it's uncomfortable for her and you can pick her up. Do you know the other girl that is going? Do you know anyone else who knows the family? I would just give a call to a few friends and see.

Of course, this is me, whose child is not invited! I know I am in the minority on this one. Do what works best for you and B. Instincts are always good to listen to! Good luck!

By Texannie on Monday, May 12, 2008 - 08:19 am:

Eve, I am in your camp!

By Luvn29 on Monday, May 12, 2008 - 09:04 am:

Eve, I agree with you. As kids get older, you run into this more and more. My kids don't often have playdates anymore, especially my oldest daughter. When she first wanted to spend the night with her new best friend this year, I had never met the mother. I knew the girl, and liked the way she's been raised, but still. So I spoke with the mother over the phone a couple of times, and then I spoke with her for a while when I took my dd to her house to spend the night.

It gets tough, but you have to go with that mother's instinct. For example, I let my kids go to their cousin's to spend the night last weekend. My son called upset because another little boy came over and my dd was uncomfortable with him. So I picked him up right away, but let my dd stay. The kid was her age, so she was okay with him. However, we found out he was going to spend the night, too, and I was totally not okay with that. My dd is in 6th grade, and so is he! I am not okay with mixed sleepovers except with family! The mom didn't think about it because she has a son, and was planning on making my dd sleep with her, but I still wasn't comfortable with the idea. So I made her come home and told our cousin that she could stay another time.

So you never know when the situation will arise. Mine happened to me when my kids were with family! You just have to trust your kids to let you know when they are uncomfortable and trust yourself to judge each individual situation.

I would even tell the mother and your dd that you would be calling her that evening to check on her. She will be able to let you know how she is feeling then....

By Colette on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 - 06:10 am:

I would call the mother and then go from there. My ds was in 4th grade and he had a friend that had many allergies. Some I knew about, but some I didn't. His mother came over and explained them to me, so I made sure she knew exactly what would and would not be served for food and I made any concessions I could so the boy could spend the night. I have also always told my kids that no matter how old they are or where they are, or what time of the night it is, if they are ever in any kind of situation that they feel isn't right or feel any kind of peer pressure htat they don't think they can handle well (not that this applies to your dd), that they can just tell the kids or the parents that they have a stomach ache or something else and would like to go home. I also think if you do let her stay you should call and check in with her. Good luck Trina.