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Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005: Oh My.......
Sometimes i'm way too nice to my friends. Somehow, my friend talked me into watching her DS (1 yr.) for FREE while she works 10am-2pm Mon-Fri. She gave me the "I'm so broke" excuse yet her DH is 2 ranks higher than mine and they suddenly could afford to go out and buy 10K worth of furniture. I know shes just a money spender but I was sucked into her story. Now with the 3 kids combined (DD included) that I watch, hers is the worst. She babies him horribly and he wants to be held THE WHOLE TIME he's here. I can get him to play for 10 minutes but thats it. My DH mentioned to her that he is very clingy and she says shes purposely raising him that way because she was neglected as a kid. Thats fine but he's driving me bonkers! He gives me a headache everyday because I refuse to hold him the whole time. I have a house to pick up, dishes to do and other children to take care of as well. I thought after a few weeks of his horrible crying he would learn. NOPE!!! Every single day.... I will guess he is either sleeping, playing for his 10 minutes or crying unless i'm holding him. Doing this free stuff doesnt sound so great anymore. Any ideas? If I knew my friend had another sitter lined up I really would tell her I can't watch him but she has no one else... or at least no one else thats gets sucked into pitty stories to do it for free.
I think that I would tell her that he is more than you can handle at this time with having the other 2. I would give her a couple of weeks warning with a date of the last day that you will keep him. This is her responsibility, not yours.
Ditto Vicki.
Without question, ditto Vicki.
Ditto, Vicki.
To begin with I would NEVER expect someone to watch my 1 yo for nothing. Especially 5 days a week. No matter my friend or not.
It is possible for the little guy to learn to not be held by you. We encounter this in the 12-18 month room all the time. Mom and Dad coddle the child and we cannot hold the child all day as we caer for other kids. It usually takes about two weeks for them to "get it", the child that is. Sometimes it takes a month or six weeks! *IF* I were getting paid, I would stick with it and try to wean him from you holding him. What Mom and Dad do is their business.
I don't know why she's expecting all of this for free. When I was watching him full time she only paid me $100/wk and the part time weeks would be $60/wk. Thats great if you ask me, for her at least. I do feel a bit taken advantage of. The original agreement was for me to watch him for free in exchange for her watching DD whenever I needed. (Of course her fully knowing I dont have people watch DD very much and it's usually only my Mom). Well i've only needed her to watch DD twice, for 3 hours each time. That is a nice exchange for someone who does a lot without their children but she knows as much as I do that I like being around DD a lot. I think thats why she "sold" me the offer. She kept bugging me and bugging me so I finally gave in. Thats how i've always been and I hate that people see me like that. My Mom is the same exact way. We're good doormats.
You need to be paid. And if you are not getting paid, I'd give her one week's notice or two at most. And if you are being paid you are also the childcare provider and the mother should understand that you are not going to hold her child for 4 hours straight.
Repeat after me........
Ditto Jann..big DITTO!!! I wouldn't watch my sister's kid on a regular basis for free!!!
To cite Ann Landers and Miss Manners, no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them.
Ditto Jann, and Vicki and all the rest. Very politely tell her you cannot watch her child anymore. I can't believe people would just take advantage of someone like that. Don't let them!
I used to watch a kid like that and I got paid for it...but after about a month and a half of crying from 8-5 minus 30 minute naptime, I had to throw in the towel. Some kids just do not do well with babysitters because of their parents. Very frustrating.
Melissa,
If he is 2 then she shouldn't have a problem getting him in to the CDC and they will decide how much she can pay. Its not fair to Kaitlyn to have all her mommy time hogged up by this other child. Good Luck!
Ditto Ame, I couldn't have said it better myself.
I totally agree with everyone else. You cant let her take advantage of you like that. Your DD needs you too!! It isn't fair to her. I would definitely give her a couple of weeks and be strong and firm about it. Don't let her try and make you feel bad. She was wrong to ask you keep him 5 days a week for free anyway. She can pay someone who doesn't have other kids of their own or who doesn't mind putting off their own kids for someone else's. That's the crziest thing!! Don't let her take advantage of you anymore.
Ditto what everyone else says.
Oh Lordy, you girls are like an echo of my DH, lol. He keeps saying if I don't tell her, he will. (Not really, it's just his "threat"
I don't think it is even worth the money. I wouldn't give her 2 wk notice either. I'd only be able to handle a week. YOU deserve better treatment than YOU are giving yourself. Step up and tell this woman NO. Listen to your husband. And if you can't say no, *let* him say no for you.
I would let dh be the bad guy if you don't think you can say no, I am sure that he wouldn't mind. 35 hours of crying would not be worth it to me & just think of the time you have to take away from Kaitlyn because he is clinging to you.
I just don't think a true 'friend' would put you in this position. I learned long ago that there are 'users' out there who are quite willing to sap every last bit of energy out of you...because they know they can.
No amount of money would be worth the stress to me. I would think about that before you agree to do it with being paid even.
I wouldn't do it for $$ unless I was destitute. Tell her YOU'RE DONE! And I agree about dh - if he doesn't mind being the bad guy and you don't feel like you can do it, let him go for it.
As for the 35 hours next week, I would say "I will watch X from 10-2 as we agreed upon this week, but I am unable to do more than that. This will also be my last week to watch X as I have other committments." I personally wouldn't do it for any amount of money. Good luck!
Ditto everybody - esp. Pam
Well, he was suppose to go home 2 hours ago. She supposedly got "stuck" at work (left her keys in a employees car who left so waiting for her to return). I've had him for 9 hours today! I'm tired. It's Friday and I can't wait for the weekend!
This is a bad situation...you need to get out of this now. It is only going to get worse!!
Are you going to tell her tonight when she gets there to forget it? I certainly hope so...
I sure couldn't handle 4 hours of a totally clingy child, let alone 9. I would be pulling my hair out. My kids were pretty independent as babies already, while I did hold them, they were content to play by themselves, too.
I watched our neighbors 14 month old for about a month while she worked 3 times a week. This little girl was a high pitched screamer. I got to where I would dread seeing her pull up into my driveway. I was watching her for free as well. It was only supposed to be for a week, then it turned into 2 weeks, then three and finally up to a month.
I agree with everyone else here! Stop watching this kid!
I only usually work 1 day during the week and I have a couple of really good friends who would watch my dd for free. But I have always insisted with my friends that if we are doing each other a favor for a doctor's appt, or emergency, or date with dh, we do it for free. We swap out. BUT...they are both sahm's and I am the only one who works outside the home. I insist that if they are watching my dd so I can go work and make money that I WILL pay them. They tear up my checks so I started just leaving cash on the table. It is just not right for one friend to go out and make money and another to take advantage of that friendship. And I've threatened to give the cash to their kids if they don't take it. Funny how they started keeping it after I threatened that.
I have been a SAHM for 15 years. People will take advantage of you. They "think" that since you are home with your child, why not watch theirs as well? It doesn't work that way.
Annie, I had this same problem with a neighbor down the street. Her dks were in daycare, but she would send them to my house the minute she got home each day. When I finally talked to her about it, she had the nerve to say she didn't think I would mind since I am home all day(implying that I do nothing) and she works all day and needs the break. I put a stop to that quickly.
I like what Annie2 said.
Well I didn't tell her Friday because I rushed her out so I could unwind in a bubble bath and wasn't up for any chit chat. But tomorrow when she drops him off i'm going to tell her that I can no longer watch him after May 13th (to give her a month) and then i'm also going to drop my paying Mom in July so that I can study and prepare for my test at the end of July and have some alone time with Kaitlyn before going back to work. I've been thinking about this long and hard and while i'm still being a softy and being taken advantage of, I dont feel as bad doing it this way and I think my excuses are pretty reasonable (and true).
I think you are doing the right thing. I used to babysit for a friend of mine. Her little girl was 3 months old. She was beautiful and sweet. She payed me ten dollars a day. The problem was she would come and pick her up whenever she felt like it. One day she didn't come pick her up for 3 days and no one knew where she was. I found out later she was on a drinking binge. I had 3 of my own kids at the time and my youngest was 11 months. I just got to a point that I told her you have to pick her right after work or I cant keep her anymore. She got angry of course and I didn't babysit anymore. I missed the baby but I knew it was best for all of us. She was just taking advantage of me and I got tired of it. I tried to help her out when she was down but she seen it as a place to drop her kid when she wanted to party and that was not he deal.
Why are you giving her a month? She hasn't been that considerate of you. Two weeks is more than adequate. If you want a slightly longer, give her till end of April.
LaTonya, she dropped off her BABY and didn't come back for three days? Were you ready to call the cops? Good grief!
Melissa, there is no way I would give her a month! Years ago when I was younger and more afraid of people being upset with me, I may have done it. But now that I've grown older with a thicker emotional skin, it angers me to allow myself to be taken advantage of - so I won't allow it.
Jann, yes I was. I talked to the babies grandmother and she begged me not to call police. She said she would come and pick up the baby but I didn't trust her a lot. I sat with the mom when she finally came back and told her if she didn't get some help I would go to Dept.of Children and Families and have the baby put somewhere safe. Of course, at first she thought I was just being mean but for the few months I kept the baby after that she straightened up. She still did not come and get her until she felt like but she always came that night. I feel sorry for the little girl but the DCF in our town is not the best in the world and it takes alot to get them to do anything and I didn't want her to take the baby elsewhere so I would not know where she was or if she was ok.
Don't give her a full month! esp when your time going back to work is just around the corner. My goodness, why should you have to pay for her convenience? I would only give a week, if that! You are not responsible for her child care, you are not a fully paid child care place and you were only doing this as a gesture to help her out. she took advantage of it and you owe her nothing. It is not improper to stand up for yourself. I think you will regret giving her a month. Do what you really WANT to do, don't let her take advantage of you. Really, a month is too much.
To be honest-- i wouldnt give her a month either. I think you are letting the baby get used to coming to your house and then he is going to have change childcare again. As soon as you knew you couldnt or didnt want to watch him-- you needed to be honest with her and let her know ASAP (for the babies sake) so she can find him a new place where he can begin adjusting and settling in.
Well, my "friend" has quite the odd life and no decision she makes is ever the same the next day. She told me the other day that if her boss didn't give her full time then she would quit (while i'm jumping with excitement inside, lol). If she goes full time, she knows she has to pay me $100/wk and even if she is paying, I will quit watching both children (hers and the other boy I watch) in July. That was the other day. Yesterday she tells me how much she hates her job and wants to quit. I hear this all the time and she is the person to up and quit for no reason, not a great employee. Then this morning it's how she hates her DH for not spending time with her (He's a drill instructor and works a lot, usually not even coming home at night when he first gets new recruits in.) but she married him as a Drill Instructor and knows nothing other than this life. So, she wants to move to S. Carolina with her in-laws and just leave her DH behind. I've tried talking to her about the love/hate relationship they have but I think we both know that they are doomed unless *both* of them try, and thats not looking good anytime soon.
So does that mean you are standing your ground and not giving her a week? Again you are letting HER decide what YOU need/want to do. I wouldn't wait for her to decide what she wants to do with her life. take charge of your life and just tell her you are done. It's easy for us to tell you this, but a lot different when it is you having to speak up....but really, you have every right to do so.
Ditto Dana. You say she changes her mind every minute. Well, tomorrow she may come in and say she's not quitting her job and now she is working 3rd shift...surely you won't mind watching her little angel during graveyard shifts? Melissa, don't let her jerk you around any longer--and yes, that's just what she's doing. Life is tough all over and you need to put your family first and also, as Conni mentioned, her child's security is at stake. She's sucking you in and you really need to nip it in the bud. Just think of it for practice as Kaitlyn gets older, because you'll have to be assertive again and again as the mama bear.
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(Don't mind my babbling, i'm feeding toddlers and typing at the same time, lol. I keep losing my thoughts.)