5 year old perfectionist/obsessive compulsive disorder
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
5 year old perfectionist/obsessive compulsive disorder
My 5 year old daughter is a perfectionist. She has to have everything perfect and it drives me nutty. I think I noticed this when she was just two years old.
She has to have her socks so perfect. I was spending 20 minutes every morning just trying to get her socks on straight so she wouldn't complain. She would kick the shoes and socks off before we could get out the door because she said "they feel funny!" this has driven me insane - last week I had a break down. I discussed it with my husband and he told her she MUST put her own socks and shoes on from now on. She is doing it, but it takes her forever.
She also will spend 15 minutes making sure her blankets are all laying down without wrinkles or having any of the corners sticking up, she was still asking for help to have her bottom wiped after using the restroom and I told her that she was old enough to wipe her own bottom most of the time and that I would only help if it was something bad (Her excuse was that she didn't want to get her hands dirty.)
She will also erase her homework over and over if it isn't exactly right. She is smart as a whip and very advanced and has been the only child in her class that has not gotten on red light once this year, she has made the principals list twice and is very obdient. I just do not want her to begin to suffer in school (as she gets older) because she is spending too much time correcting the little things.
Oh my gosh, I am going crazy over this. Has anyone else experienced a child that is a perfectionist or has obsessive compulsive disorders?
I want my child to do her best but on the other hand I want her to know that nothing or nobody is perfect and it is okay to make mistakes or to not have everything done on time or in certain ways all of the time. About a year ago her thing was she kept telling me that her panties felt wet and she would change her panties about 8 times a day and her panties were not wet. It was like she may have felt wet once and didn't like the feeling so from that point on she was obsessed that her panties felt wet. I bought her several different types of panties and different sizes to make sure she had panties that fit just right. I took her to the doctor about it and she didn't have a UTI or anything like that. Her doctor told me that sometimes children will go through stages like this and they usually out grow them - well after 8 months of the "panties being wet thing", she stopped, but it is other things now.
It is really hard because I am not a perfectionist - neither is my husband so I just don't know how to handle it - it is very stressful to my life. My mother in law is a perfectionist - big time, I think she plays a part in this, but I know she can't help it either. I don't know how to tell my mother in law to stop some of things she says to my daughter when they are together because I think she drills things into my daughter's head sometimes and it makes my daughter freak out about things.
Does anyone else understand what I am going through at all, if so please leave me some feedback. Thanks.
Yes yes yes, her name is Kayla D. The socks, the wrinkles, the changing of pants and "Mommy, wipe my butt!". I am also not a perfectionist. If Kayla got the socks wrong she used to TOTALLY undress and say "NO WE HAVE TO START AGAIN!!!!!" I hear that phraze a lot. Fortunately for me I learned when she was born to tune out her meltdowns and just LET HER BE. Some days I am late, but they know Kayla and what I go through. Eventually she gets it right for herself. I can understand her a little as I am sensitive myself. As for the socks, I HAVE to help her. If you pull the seam up past the toes a little and get the lump away from their pinky toe it seems to help. She is getting betetr though. Kayla is almost 7 by ther way. Her older sister, 16, was the same way. Me personally, I don't think it is something her Gma can make worse. I think it may be hereditary, I know it is in my case.
I have learned over the years that the more upset you get over this or insist that she change, the worse the meltdown is going to be. I don't think these kids can help this. I have learned to take extra time no matter where we aer going or what we are doing. I have also learned that my patience level tends to be higher than normal, so none of this may help you! I can tell yuo from Kristi, older sister, that they grow out of it. But Kris is still sensitive, just in different ways. If it is OCD I "think" it will explode during puberty...other moms can help you there. My old neighbor and her child have OCD.
Kayla has gotten much better from age 4 and as I said can do much of this herself but it takes a little longer. Boy my thoughts are scattered! I have to leave for work. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I feel for you, and for your DD too!
Oh my gosh, I am going crazy over this. Has anyone else experienced a child that is a perfectionist or has obsessive compulsive disorders?
YES! My oldest is both. He's just about to turn 8. Check gifted/perfectionism. There's lots of info online about the topic. In order for it to be true OCD, it really needs to interfere significantly in her life.
"In order for it to be true OCD, it really needs to interfere significantly in her life."
Well that statement makes me feel a little better. My daughter makes us late sometimes but it doesn't stop her from doing things or achieving goals, Not yet anyway. Thanks.
You just described me not only as a child, but as an adult. When I was in my early 20's it DID interfere with my life, but I worked to hide it from others.
I'm not ashamed of it anymore - I take medication that helps, and I no longer wear out door knobs and locks by checking them repeatedly (yes, I wore out a CAR door handle once).
I was also a perfectionist as a child which my first grade teacher recognized. I was always an A student, and graduated from college Magna Cum Laude.
Sometimes I work a little too hard at it, and I procrastinate so that I don't have to face my problem.
I happened to realize that I had a problem no one else had when I found myself hiding it from my family.
At this early in your dd's life, it's difficult to see if her habits are 'interfering' in her life. That's something to watch as she grows older - I really wish people had known more about it in the 1960's, because I think I could have been a more carefree child, like my friends.
All of us have our quirks - we're not perfect, even though many of us try to be. Just love your dd, stay educated and watch the 'signs', and let her know that's she's okay. That would have done a lot for me when I was a child, instead of feeling like I was 'different'.
Feel free to email me ( mommakay77 @ yahoo. com )- no one really understands it unless they've been there - medical definitions are fine, but they're not absolute.
I go through this with my son who is 5. He has been very OCD (mpt diagnosed, only using the term) since he was able to line up his matchbox cars in a certain way, and no one was to touch it. Then he moved on to old things we no longer used that he HAD to have, such as old answering machines, old keyboards, old telephones, you name it. He would line these up side by side across my living room floor, and they could not be touched or moved in a different order till bedtime.
He was never hateful or whiny about it, it was just how it had to be.
Also, when he is building something with his legos or K'nex, he has to have it just so. He has a mental picture, and if it isn't going right, he gets very upset, and I have to talk him through it until he figures it out.
Same thing with his drawing. He erases till he gets it just right.
Neither his father nor I are like this, and the only thing his sister has ever had a problem with is her socks. Yes, we went through it with her in a terrible way!!!
We deal with it, watch for meltdown signs, and help him through it. I have finally convinced my parents that his meltdowns are not something he is doing to try to get his way, or something punishable, and that he cannot help it, so that is helping with that.
He really is a terrific child, so sweet and loving, well-behaved, wonderful in school, good grades, very cooperative, and has no problem playing and getting along with others.
And I spoke with his teacher, and she said he shows none of this at school with the OCD behaviors. But then again, he doesn't play with things like he does at home, and he chooses to do things that won't lead to these problems, I believe.
My three year old dd is this way too. I've wondered about OCD but I think it is just a problem with being flexible and self-expectations. It does influence her in ways that have hampered her development. Since holding a pencil correctly is uncomfortable, she will refuse to write with one. Now she won't use one even if I encourage her to just hold it in a fist. She is also extremely routine oriented. Bedtime has to have the same steps, same songs, same animals and pillows EVERY night. She thinks we should only go run errands in the morning. Afternoons are for lunch, games and puzzles with me and naps. It makes things difficult but my dh and I are both very perfectionistic so we can take it in stride fairly well.
OCD is all about the comfort of routines and rituals, although the opposite is not always true. There are many levels to OCD, and having it at some level does not necessarily mean that one should seek treatment. Only when it truly interferes with everyday life does it become a debilitating problem.
Children are always learning, and sometimes rituals are comforting to them in this process, as they are to us sometimes. It's when the rituals take precedence over the undertaking of normal activities that it should be examined further.
Kay what a great explaination of OCD. My cousin has two kids who have this. One has a myriad of other issues (terrets, adhd, etc) but one is just ocd. I recently had a 5 hour car trip with her. She got her her game boy out and started adjusting her games, then again and again and again. She actually didn't get to playing them until another kid mentioned it to her. Same with the DVD player, she kept adjusting the screen. Her started with an obsession for cleanliness, wouldn't get her hands dirty at first, instead of playing she watched, then it came to she might touch then she would wash her hands, her poor hands are so broken out from dryness and over washing, it is sad. When it first started there we all noticed, but thought it would pass, she has had a lot of stress, but over a years period it became very apparent that there is an issue that she needs help with. We are hoping that this is still just a stress thing and she will be able to control those impulses when life is treating her good.
Ds is alittle like this. He cries if he makes a mistake with his drawings. They allow him one mistake then he has to forget about the mistake. You can imagine how this can become test anxiety... later.
You can draw pictures of people making mistakes and dealing with it. Or make up stories and write them down on why it is okay to make a mistake.
I spent a lifetime hearing people (my mom, teachers, friends) telling me to 'just leave it alone', 'just walk away', 'you can stop that if you really wanted to.'
I know now that they just didn't understand, but as a child I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, because I couldn't seem to just 'stop' the rituals, etc. Even into my adulthood (and I admit even now) I hide it, even though I'm intelligent enough to know that it's a chemical imbalance.
I'm starting to talk about it more, and in doing so, I am discovering that I share this with a lot of people....and am able to educate a few in the process.
|
Members
