I have had it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: I have had it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, here is my issue. My youngest DD (and right now that is not dear) is not doing her homework, telling me she doesn't have any and if by some chance she did it, isn't turning it in at school. This is just the final straw... She hasn't turned in any math homework in almost 2 weeks. She always tells me that she doesn't have any or that she did it before I got home. She is 11. This is her final year of elementary school and she will be going go middle school next year where there is a LOT more responsiblity expected from the kids and the teachers will just fail them not give them tons and tons of chances like her current teachers are doing to a point.
She is lying to me and the thing that upsets me the most is that she doesn't seem to care no matter what I do or take away.
I have tried to remind her and tell her to do her homework and keep track of it for her but her teachers have told me that I need to back off so she can learn to do this before next year. I back off and she doesn't do anything.
Here is a great example of what she does to me. We are getting ready to leave for school in the morning and I ask "J, did you brush your teeth?" and she replies "yes" (I asked more to remind than anything because I could smell her breath from across the room) So I say "J, are you sure you brushed your teeth because I don't think you have yet" and she says yes again to which I calmly reply "J, you have not brushed your teeth I can smell your breath from here and it stinks" to which she starts to cry (fake but only I can tell it is fake because she is such a good actress) and says I thought you were going to get mad and yell at me if i hadn't already done it. So then not only am I upset that she lied about something stupid but I am upset because she is trying to make me feel guilty because I have yelled at her before (she knows that this is one thing that I have a really hard time with and I am trying really hard not stay calm and not yell anymore so she uses it against me). This drives me crazy!!!!
The next thing that she is doing is I sent her to her room 2 saturdays ago and told her she was not allowed to watch tv or get on the computer until her room was clean. She was in her room except at meals or during homework or school until last Thursday. She promised me that it was clean and told me that she felt so good because it was all clean now, so I tried to trust her and didn't go look. So Monday morning I went in to wake her up because her alarm didn't go off and her room has not been touched. I mean it is 2 feet deep in toys/clothes/trash probably and looked just like it did before she started it 2 weeks ago. So I tell her that she is not allowed out of her room until it is clean and this time I have to come in and inspect it before she can say it is clean. And she doesn't seem to care at all.
She doesn't seem to care about anything. Not her friends or family or toys. Nothing. I can take everything way and she just seems okay. who cares.
I need help. And lots of it!!!!!
Oh yeah.. she has ADHD but I really don't think this has anything to do with that.
{{{hugs}}} Well, as far as the lying, I would not put her in a position to lie, if you already know the truth. If you know she hasn't brushed her teeth, then don't ask. Just tell her to go do it. Kids at this age will lie to avoid(or if they think they will get in trouble) However, there does need to be consequences if she is lying.
Also, as far as the school work, have you asked her why she is not doing the homework? Is she having a hard time in math, does she maybe need some help? Is it just math, or all subjects?? I have really backed off from my oldest(he is in 4th). I no longer ask about tests, homework, etc. BUT, he does know that if he doesn't bring home the grades that we know he is capable of, he will be grounded from video games until next report card. It has so helped the stress level in our house. And, he is becoming more responsible.
With her room, does she need help with it. It could be that it is just too overwhelming. I know I usually help guide my oldest when he does a major clean. His room seems to be the messiest. He is a pack rat. I know if left on his own, he wouldn't even know where to begin.
{{{{hugs}}} I hope things get better for you soon.
It is with all subject and she is not having trouble.. she is making all As if not 100s on her tests. She just doesn't want to do it...
We went through a similar phase with DS (11). This is what worked for us. On a daily basis, he was not allowed to go outside to play, have play dates, watch TV or use his PC or any video games until his homework was finished. I didn't just take his word for it. I checked his actual work, along with his school agenda and his teachers' web sites to verify it was finished before allowing him to enjoy privileges. I did this for about a month, as well as get him used to packing his backpack the night before school and making sure everything was there that was necessary. He was annoyed but kept on his toes and finished and turned in all his work on time. I stopped checking after he had earned back my trust. So far so good. He's doing much better now, and even starts projects early.
Well, as far as the lying, I would not put her in a position to lie, if you already know the truth. If you know she hasn't brushed her teeth, then don't ask. Just tell her to go do it. Kids at this age will lie to avoid(or if they think they will get in trouble) However, there does need to be consequences if she is lying.
Ditto Debbie. 
Since she is capable of the work, and just not doing it, then I would follow Trina's suggestion. I would have a set time for her to do her homework, and I would have her do it in front of you, with you checking it.
As for the room thing that is something to blame on the ADHD. She needs more direction. 1 task at a time. Tell her go in there and do
#1
#2
then when she comes back and says that is done send her back say do
#3
#4
She needs allot of direction. Timmy is ADHD and needs lots of direction. Also for the homework follow Trinas advise. Make her sit at the table dialy and do it. As the teacher if there are set nights for home work or if it is every night or just whenever.
Make her sit at the table until it is done.
Good luck.
I posted about this same issue a few months ago with my 10yo dd. I wish it was as easy as telling her "Go do x and then come back" and then progressing to the next task but I couldn't trust that she was actually finishing a task when she said she had. I had to go and check to see if it was done completely each and every time. It drives me nuts but she's getting better.
As far as the homework goes, I required her to sit at the kitchen table and work on it but I just spent hours telling her to get back to work, stop talking to her brother and sister, and telling her she couldn't have a break, eat a snack, tell me just one thing, etc. and she'd sit there from the time she got home from school until I sent her to bed each night. This went on for weeks. I finally sat down with her and said "You are restricted from all music, tv, phone and computer privileges until your homework skills improve. Your homework time will last two hours. During those two hours, you can ask me for help and do your homework wherever you think you'll work best. When those two hours are up, I won't answer any questions and I won't help keep you from getting distracted. At that point, you can turn in a partially done assignment and not finish it or you can continue to work on it until you are done but you'll do it in your room so the kitchen table is free for the rest of the family. If your homework is done, you can choose from these rewards." Then I showed her a list of privileges she could choose from.The interesting thing about the rewards is that everything on the list was things she had unlimited access to before she'd been put on restriction. So now she can choose between listening to her mp3 player, a single tv show, spending half an hour on the phone, etc. It's made quite a difference for both of us to have a plan to follow and agreed upon consequences and rewards based on how she applies herself.
Sorry for the novel but I thought I'd share what we'd done since I understand your total frustration and the feeling of helplessness that goes along with it.
Tara I will say my dd is very much like this. She doesn't need to do all the work to make the grades. However as an 8th grader, she has learned that teachers grade even the busy work and she has had some tough lessons. I do actually think it is the add. My dd has it too. It is about her impulsiveness. Honestly I just took the wait and see approach, natural consequences. But that hasn't worked. This year I finally got tough. I think Cori's ideas on right on.
We had to strip my dd off all priviledges. I actually sat down with her and made a list. Here are the items I think you are priviledged to have, and items that are true luxury and also the list of what I as a parent am required to provide for her. So we really had three lists. I won't take away basic necessities, a place to sleep, some food to eat, and some clothes to wear, light in your room and a place to use to restroom. However we had two other lists, the easy to remove and the really do we have to go this far list. It is easy to take away an ipod, tv, phone, etc. But looking at my next choices for punishment was what made the difference. Here is a sample of that list.
the door for you bedroom,
your own restroom, you can share with your bros
stylish clothes, we can weed out to jeans and basic tees
any clean up by mom (i do her restroom and laundry once a week)
car rides to any where but school
babysitting
Anyway, there were some others. We did take away babysitting and came very close to removing her door.
One of the biggest things though, you have to be reasonable in your time frame. I love how cori let her dd pick a priveledge daily. Especially with our young teen girls, you don't want to make her life unlivable and sometimes there is a fine line.
I did really have to put it in her hands and show her direct cause and effect, because grades alone were not enough for her.
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