I'm not sure what to do anymore.
As I posted a few weeks ago ds was referred to a neurologist by our family doctor.
He had been diagnosed ADHD and was on Straterra.
His teacher thought that more things needed looking into. He is in first grade by the way. She was concerned about his lack of friendships, and his compulsive behavior.
Well, we went to the neurologist and he said that he could'nt diagnos him with anything but ADHD. Said that some of the things that he does has to appear in more than one aspect of his life to be diagnosed. He does'nt do most of the things at home that apparently he does at school. The new doc. switched his meds to Concerta, saying that a stimulant might help him better.
I saw his teacher at conference time and told her what the doctor said. She was not pleased. She keeps pushing the issue like she wants something to be wrong with my son.
I'm at a loss. She says that his grades are fine, he is doing everything at grade level. She said that she has never had a child like him before. She said that in all academic areas he is doing fine across the board, but he is just not social.
His family doc and the neurologist both said that this might very well be just his personality. My dh and my dh's dad are both loners. They would rather not be around other people, hate social gatherings, hate going to crowded public places. My dh will pick a resturant by the number of people there, he would always rather go somewhere less busy. Me-I like people. Were just different that way. That is how I think our son is.
This teacher just pushes the issue. She was VERY surprised when I told her that a classmate had called my son on the phone before. She wanted the kids name..like she wanted to check my story...like she just could'nt beleive that could happen?
I just don't understand when his grades, tests scores are fine, he never acts out or gets into trouble. He does talk a little too much and squirms in his seat a little too much, but he IS learning! Why is she so concerned? Why is it hard for her to accept that this could just be his personality? She says that he is passing, and there is no reason for her to hold him back...so WHY the concern?
Am I the one in the dark here?
What would you do?
My dh and my entire family and friends think that ds is fine, he just wants to do his own thing and not constantly be social. He does play with neighbor kids, he plays well with his siblings, has a great sense of humor, is caring, very polite, and makes good grades.
I just don't get it.
If you want more background please read my other post titled...my ds referred to neurologist.

What should I do???

By Kaye on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 10:14 am:

I have been there. First teachers can just be stupid sometimes, but they are well intentioned. They really want your child to be successful in all areas. When I took my first grader in for his 3rd evaluation I was told once again, he is quirky, but within normal limits. My ped said it best, "you probably just went swimming in the wrong gene pool" (my hubby is an engineer). Kids are like their parents usually. I still worry about my son, I want his teachers to accept him and like him, some do, some don't. I have heard from EVERY teacher he has ever had, he is the most unusual child they have ever seen. What I do know is there really isn't anything you can do, but fight for your son. Try not to let the teacher bug you, but also don't be in denial about him either. My son doesn't even have the adhd diagnosis, so talk about frustrating!

Good luck!

By Cat on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 10:55 am:

While I'm sure she's just concerned, remember, she's his teacher, NOT his doctor. She can't "diagnose" him as anything, and shouldn't be trying. It really irks me when teachers think they can tell you what they think your child's dx should be. Do they have medical degrees??? You've taken your son to a ped and a neuroligist. They've given you a dx. Your son's teacher has given you her opinion about it, and now she needs to drop it (which, imho she should have done before giving you her opinion). Sorry if this sounds a little grouchy, but like I said, it irks me when teachers do this. I also hate that she told you, "that she has never had a child like him before." Someone used that line with me about my son, Robin. I don't know how you felt/feel about that, but personally I was very offended. {{{{{Mara and son}}}}} I hope she lets it go and that your son gets a better teacher next year.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 12:22 pm:

My youngest daughter is more social now, but especially at that age, she was quite happy doing stuff by herself. No one thought anything of it. I wonder why she is so obsessed with the issue! Good grief!

By Missmudd on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 01:15 pm:

My oldest ds had the same problem going through school. He is adhd but we no longer feel it is necessary to medicate him. (he is almost 16) I could easily say that none of my kids are the cookie cutter child, they all are very intense and have different priorities than the norm. I dont consider them a problem because like your child they are well mannered, social in that they are not antisocial, they know how to act in public settings. It makes it much easier for a teacher to deal w/ a child that doesnt challenge the norm. You will always come across people who instead of accepting different behavior and beliefs would rather everyone be the way that they wish them to be. Hang in there, you are right she is wrong. You have gone above and beyond addressing her concerns and it is time for her to lay off. I might schedual an appt w/ the teacher, the principle and the school concellor to get a good plan of what is and is not expected.

By Audreyj on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 01:34 pm:

Try "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There was a time when that book stayed with me. And I still refer to it from time to time. My oldest daughter is gifted (yes, really, not just proud Mommy talking) and gifted kids very often struggle socially. At one point, a ped. (a good ped.) and a neurologist both thought it was ADHD but now, (reading 7th grade level, accomplishing high school algebra, etc) it is clear from more testing that she is not ADHD and does not have that problem but that in being catagorized (and I HATE labels, but what are ya' gonna do??!!) she is catagorized "exceptionally gifted" in fact, in some criteria, she has scored so high that the experts can not specifically catagorize her because there are not scales for a child as young as she is to score so highly...now, all of this is a blessing as we love her....but there is behavior and social stumbling blocks that come with this particular situation. She is spirited, more intense, more perceptive, etc. than the average child and some situations just wear her out. Loud noises, bright lights, crowds of people, etc. (what made me think of it was your sharing about how your hubby picks places based on the number of folks in the space) my daughter does that sometimes, too. And my daughter has a hard time relating to children her age (for example, "What book are you reading?" "The Cat in The Hat" "Oh. I am reading Little Women by Louisa May Alcott"! :-) Maybe your son is NOT anti social, maybe your son is intellectually gifted. Truly, ADHD children often have a combined diagnosis of being highly gifted and ADHD. Might be worth looking into.....

but DEFINITELY check out the book, it helped me A LOT! AJ

By Alberobello on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 04:11 pm:

This teacher does sound nasty! So if it bothers her so much, why doesn't she play with him? teachers are supposed to be comprehensive, not judgemental like this one. You say your son plays with neighbours and his siblings, then i don't see any problem. Have tried talking to the classroom assisstant? Sometimes they are more detached and therefore have a more objective opinion. Or the playground supervisors. I agree with Cat that teachers often believe that they have the right (or responsibility) to diagnose a child's problem. You know your son and know what's best for him. Don't let his teacher put pressure on you or him. Good luck!

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 05:55 am:

Given what you have been through on this situation, and that you have two different doctors giving the same diagnosis, I think I would say something like this to the teacher:

I understand your concern, but you have to realize that (a) he has been seen by and diagnosed by two professionals with the clinical training and experience to qualify them to make a diagnosis, and (b) not all people and not all children are social, at least not in the way you think my son should be "social". As long as my son is doing well in school, you should not be trying to force him into a mold to make him meet your ideas of what a child his age should be like or "more like the other children". I am not happy with your persistence in thinking the diagnosis is not correct or that there are "other things wrong" with my son. I believe that your attitude about this may be reflected in your treatment of or behavior towards my son, which I suggest is unprofessional. I would like you to accept that my son is receiving professional treatment and that both the professionals treating him and his family and friends in our neighborhood do not see the "problem" you think you see - which might mean that there is not a "problem". If you cannot accept this and behave accordingly toward my son, then I think we need to meet with the counselor or the principal to talk about this.

By Mara on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 08:36 am:

Thank you all for your input. When I met with his teachers for conference his speech teacher said that he still needed to work on a few of his sounds but said nothing about him having other problems. She also said that he fell into a catagory all his own, that he was a little different. She thinks that ADHD is what is causing his social problems.
You know, I never thought about how his teacher might be treating him when he is at school. She better be treating him the same as the other kids. She better never single him out in front of the class and say bad things to or about him. UGGG if only I could be a fly on the wall. I ask my ds all the time how school is and he always says "fine", but maybe he would'nt tell me everything. I can't wait until next year so I can see what his next teacher thinks.
I e-mailed a good friend of mine about the situation and she told me not to worry. She also thinks that he is fine and just being himself.
Thanks again to everyone

By Lauram on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 10:05 am:

While I agree that the teacher is out of line with the dx stuff, my hunch is there is more to this story.... Is it or is it not effecting him socially? It's hard to tell that from your post. Personally, I would try to get her to be more specific about what she is seeing- rather than judgemental about it. That way you would have more information to share with the drs. Children can have multiple dx's (as does my son). It makes their situation much more complicated though. You can have ADHD and other issues (my son does). You CAN be ADHD and gifted (my son is- it's called twice exceptional). Can someone else observe him at school ( a school psychologist?) What about an OT trained with sensory issues?

By Mara on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 12:12 pm:

I told the doctors everything that she told me. Here are some of the things she said....
She said that he knows very few of the other children in the class' names.
She says that he plays well in a group but does'nt like to play much one on one.
She says that he fiddles a lot at his desk.
He is chattery.
He does'nt like to look her in the eye. That is one of the things that I don't understand because I've never noticed it, friends and family never have noticed it and both doctors said that did'nt seem like a problem because he looks them in the eye.
She said that he is very opinionated, always wants to get his point across. And will argue until you see his point.
She wanted us to look into OCD but I see nothing OC about him. The doctors both said that even though she might see things that look like OCD, like the fiddling with his pencil at his desk that he needs to be doing things in other aspects of his day than just at school.
I just don't see the things that she sees.
I do notice hyperactivity, he is very opinionated, he does like to play alone a lot. BUT, he WILL play with others. He plays with the neighbor kids at least 3 days out of the week, goes to their house to play, play with his cousins, plays with his siblings, loves to spend the night at grandmas, cousins houses.
He does great in public, loves the movies, loves eating out, loves bowling, loves going to the park and playing with kids he does'nt even know. He behaves very well in public settings. Always says please and thank you and will remind you when you forget to say it.
I'm trying not to sound harsh, but as all you mothers know when someone trys to tell you there is something wrong with your child you get defensive.
I'm sorry
He also takes speech classes at school. He has a hard time making the "ch" sound and his "l" sometimes comes out "w" there are a few others but the speech teacher says that if she points out the problem to him he can correct it, he CAN say it right, he just forgets in conversations, it's like a habit.
He took kindergarten twice because his teacher felt that he needed the extra year to mature.
Other than that I really don't know what to add. If I think of anything I will let you know.

By Mara on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 12:41 pm:

Just a note on ds..
He had a half day today at school. Here is how our conversation went.
"Hi, honey how was your day?"
{ds} "fine"
"What did you do in school today?"
{ds} "lots of things"
"Like what?"
{ds} "We did math worksheet and a word search"
"What else?"
{ds} "We only had a half day mom."
"What is some of the kids in your class' names?"
{ds} "Ummm, there is Morgan and Toby"
"Do you know all of the kids names?"
{ds} "No, not all of them. Maybe half. Not everyone knows everyones name"
"Who is your best friend at school?"
{ds} Will use to be but he moved to a different school, now Toby is. He is the one with the glasses."
Then he rushes off upstairs with his younger brother.

I don't know, maybe he should have mentioned more names when I asked him the kids names. All I do know is that he does make friends. If a child doesn't remember every childs name does that have to mean something is wrong with him?

I know this little conversation that I had with my son won't show anything. I'm really not even sure why I posted this.
You don't know how many times I'd wish they'd find something. I'm so tired of going to doctors and they say it's just ADHD then have teachers hound me about it over and over about how it must be something else.
I don't know....I'm so agravated right now over the whole thing. I'm so envious of parents who rave over how well their children do, how they are perfect. I'm not talking about anyone on here, but I have friends that have children that apparently can do no wrong. It kills me.

By Vicki on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 01:02 pm:

Mara, I can hear the frustration in your typing. My question would be, who do you trust more with knowledge of your child? Yourself and your doctors, or teachers? He seems to be (by your conversation) happy as can be and enjoying school. If there are any issues of him not having many friends there, he certainly doesn't seem to be effected by it. I would say that as long as he is learning at pace with the others and likes school, then at this time I wouldn't be thinking any more about it. Does she want you to keep taking him to doctors until one of them finally agrees with her? Maybe your child doesn't look her in the eye because he isn't a big fan of hers. Maybe he can sense that she feels something is off and won't look at her. If she is the only one that he is like this with, I tend more to think it is a issue with the teacher herself!!! And to be honest with you, I think I would have to tell her that!!! And one more thing I would ask her...if he doesn't have friends..how can he be chatty in school?? Who the heck is he talking to!!

By Tink on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 04:57 pm:

I absolutely agree with Vicki! If he is happy, doing well in school, has a few friends, knows how to behave in public settings, and isn't disrupting her instruction time anymore than another boy might, there doesn't seem to be a problem. I would trust your instincts and, politely but firmly, tell this teacher to drop it. You've taken care of the issues that you and his doctors have seen. {{{Mara}}} I have one of those boys that isn't "perfect" and it does make things a bit more difficult. The last thing you need is an adult trying to make it even harder!

By Feona on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 05:13 am:

My husband is an engineer too. Geesh what do they want?

Haven't they ever met an engineer or scientist before?

We are going to a neuro psychologist. I have to ask the teacher why again....

Ds was crying alot but the cure was to catch him not crying and praise him or someone else for not crying.

Ds is doing better though. I made a list of stuff he isn't to do in school and we read it every day.

We also got him a 5 pound stuffed heavy turtle from abilitations.com to sit with in circle time. I heard it helped.

The fidgiting with a pencil is good. Helps some people concentrate better like chewing gum or moving their leg. We got some fidgets to see if they would help ds. Too early to tell. I think the heavy turtle will be the fidget....

By Debbie on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 08:50 am:

I really think you need to go with your gut here and go by what the doctors have told you. This woman is a teacher, not a doctor. Also, maybe your ds is having a hard time with her because he gets the feeling that she has issues with him. My oldest ds is a loner. He likes to play with others and gets along fine with the dks in his class, but he also enjoys doing things by himself. He is a big homebody and is happy just staying at home playing with legos or playing video games. So, if her issue is with his social interaction with the dks in his class, then I wouldn't worry. It sounds like he is fine. If she brings this up again, then I would suggest just telling her that he has been diagnosed by two doctors and you wish she would drop it.

By Colette on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 09:31 am:

Ditto Debbie - and congratulations on raising a child who is not afraid to voice his opinion.

By Audreyj on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 05:03 pm:

I promise you....my dd is gifted, 8 years old and reading/cirriculum on seventh grade sixth month. Your son (from what you've typed) sounds just like her. I am so sorry you are going through this though. Really. From what I have read, you are a dedicated and determined Mom. I encourage you to use your dedication to your son and your determination to see him through to trust yourself and your "mom" gut. Prayers to you. AJ