Okay warning this will be long and filled with several emotions.!

My 3rd grade son has a friend that he spends a lot of time with. He goes over there a couple of times a week. Up until today all I have ever heard is how good he is, on and on. Then today I get an email. He has swapped gameboy games and they need returned and one that my son supposedly loaned out to someone else. She was mad you could tell. So I got the games back, I confronted my son about loaning out this game. He claims he didn't. If he did, he would of had to sneak it out in his backpack (which I hand pack every morning). Anyway, so then second email comes, this one game is missing, my son needs to get it back from whoever he loaned it to. Really my son claims he didn't. I am at a quandry as to what to do. I am wondering if we should just buy a new game (i hate to admit to wrong doing, but hate to lose a friend). So I am thinking, my phone rings, it is mom. Well you know the game really isn't the problem. Apparently the problem is my son has been really acting out there. He can be a really rude dude, and he has been on a kick lately. Anyway, she felt like she needed to let me know and the straw that broke the camels back was his bold face lie that he did not loan out that game. Because her son told her that my son told him he loaned it to someone. My first question was, to who? So what should I have done? I wanted to be mad. I am hurt. I am dissappointed with both my son and this family. Really if there were problems, the first time, maybe the second, she should have sent him home. I don;t understand why should would let it build up and get this upset over a 3rd graders behavior. But now what? She has gotten it all off her chest, I apologized for his behavior. But the simple fact is she called my son a big liar, i believe the exact quote was "you need to know that this is what happened whether he will confess or not". I guess I am willing to believe that there was a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication as opposed to thinking either one of them is a liar. For example if my son said oh, so and so has that game and he got to such and such place. I could see where he would infer that my son lent it out. When that would not really be the case. It is also possible that my son lied, it isn't typical. he is big into denial, but I hadn't caught him in a bold face lie. So now what? I am angry, I will probably get over it (although forgetting doesn't come easy). The behavior stuff isn't a big deal, it that is all it was, her method could have been better, but oh well, we are all different. But the fact that she thinks he just is a liar really doesn't sit well. It makes me very mad. I wouldn't dare accuse her son or anyone without some solid "proof". I actually do think there was an issue with that last year, but I don't have proof. This is someone I see a LOT. Church group, cub scouts, school and neighborhood. Part of me wishes I just didn't have to see her anymore, because I dont' know what to say. What I want to her to know is, try to see this from my side, instead of playing he said, he said, etc. What are other things that could have happened. Did her son out right say hey he gave my game to so and so. I don't think my son would have been vague, oh I loaned your game out so I could get this game. How am I supposed to continue to let my son hang out at house that people assume the worst of him? Why would I let him come over here so we can have more issues? But then should I punish their friendship for what is probably adult issues and not really their issues at all? So if you have read this long and any of this makes sense, then what? She feels like all is resolved, I have a lot of pent up feelings. I didn't really appreciate the let me get this ALL off my chest phone call, so I won't do that. And part of me just wants to go beat her up

By Melissa on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 07:32 pm:

Well I am a little unclear on the loaning part but I guess I would just look at it like this, most people can not ever believe that their kid is less than perfect. Bottom line is some where in between what she claims and what your son has explained or you've pieced together is the truth.It sounds like miscommunication.

I think it is important for our kids to know we support them and believe. (until we have reason not to believe them) I would talk to my DS and try to get the story again and also discuss his behavior over there. Then after I had a clear grip on the facts, I would make a plan with my ds for how to avoid this type of problem again. I have a rule with DD no loaning no borrowing. Period. I would also make a plan with him about the behavior issue. Then in a day or two I'd call the woman and tell her the plan you and your DS came up with, saying something like I think there was a lot of miscomunication with the whole game issue and I hate to see the boys lose thier friendship so DS and I have come up with the following plan to avoid future issues.
I don't know what the plan is not knowing you all, but Obviously no borrowing between them, and then something to address any behavior issues with you as they occur. I don't blame you for being mad with the woman, but try to look at this as a way to help your son learn that you are behind him even if he was partially wrong and how you can help him make a plan to solve this issue.

By Katiesmommy on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 07:44 pm:

I think to clear the air and everyone's emotions, I would invite the mom and kid over to play and talk or go over there and ask to speak with them..all together. I would at that time have a small meeting of the minds together and hash out the details. This way, no one is offended, everyone is there to speak for himself, and usually any kid who has something to hide will fess up in a situation like this..then everyone can relax, forgive, etc..and not be bogged down by the awkwardness and hurt feelings being buried deep in your heart.
Amy

By Vicki on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 07:49 pm:

Well, I don't agree with the way the issue was handled by her, but bottom line is we all want to believe our kids. Just as much as you believe your son that he didn't loan it out, she believes her son when he says that he did. Honestly, I think you need to get the two boys together and find out exactly what went on. It would be hard for them to lie when the other person is standing right there. The issue of him misbehaving when he is over there is a totally different thing. Did she say exactly what he did? I tend to think it must have been pretty bad in her eyes if she got that worked up over it. Does she want them to continue to hang out together? Again, to me, it sounds like by her trying to gather up all the belongings, she wants the friendship to end and cut ties. I could be way off base, but she sounds mighty upset over something!! I could be way off by the way I am reading what you typed, but that is what I get out of it.

By Kim on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 08:21 pm:

I agree with getting them all together. Then there is NO miscommunication and Amy is right, the boys kinda have to fess up. I don't think there is anything wrong with the mom rounding up all of the games. I have done that with my kids before. Had nothing to do with anything except that I do not have a lot of money and I don't want things getting lost, or like this situation, allegedly borrowed out. I think she just wants to keep track of his stuff, that's all, especially if she thinks your son lent it to someone else. I do not think she means to cut ties.

I can see from her point of view why she wrote. She was probably very angry and did not want to blow up on you. I am often better at writing when angry. I am not saying she is right. I would, if it were me, ask her why she did not tell me sooner that my child was acting up at her house. Its happened to me before and that's what I did. The person waited until they couldn't take Kayla anymore and blew on me.

If it was her kid acting up at your house I am sure she would want to know too. I really agree with Amy and think a get together would be good. Short and sweet on the kids part and then let them go play while you and the mom talk. Then you can get it all off of your chest rationally.

I am sorry that you are so upset Kay. And I totally understand. She did not have the right to insinuate that your son is a liar. Unless she was there when it happened, she shouldn't have done that. Whatever happens, I hope it all gets worked out and everyone gets along ok. Keep us posted.

By Kaye on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 09:51 pm:

I don't really think the getting together thing will work. for one I think each boy is partially right and in their mind 100% right. I am certain that my son did not loan out the game, I just can't fathom that I live with a child who could be so sneaky to do so and I would just now notice. However I do think he misspoke and either directly or indirectly told his friend he lent his game. What I actually think happned is he borrowed a similar game (one is kirbydream land the other kirbyair ride), from a friend of mine. This was a one time deal, not the norm. This same friend has the dreamland game and they played it at his house, long after we returned the game. I think stories just got confused and I don't know on which end. Kids are kids and misspeak, no biggie.

As for what my son did, what she told me was: he regularly stands on the couch or sits on the coffee table. This isn't typical behavior, but wouldn't suprise me. He apparently told her hubby no one day when he said it is time to go home (dinner time). He has a smart mouth on him, no doubt that happened. And he kicked her son in the mouth one time, a month ago, and he denied it, but she knows it happened because her son had a loose tooth from it (baby tooth). Did that happen, probably. Probably not in a mean way, but they are always on the floor playing, sometimes wrestling. My son is huge for his age and is really unaware of his body. He often kicks or hits us and has no clue. He should of, when confronted, instead of denying, should of said Oh I am sorry, I didn't realize i did that. He isn't good at that. But then she said last time he was there he dumped a tub of blocks out and didn't pick them up. My son claims the younger sister did it. Again, she didn't see it, but her son said my son did it. So a few things are happening. One my son is being a turd, and he just is. She is taking these things to be intentional, and I guess I disagree. He does lots of things wrong daily, but he isn't mean spirited, just clueless some days. She is also letting him walk all over her. He is wrong in so many ways, but I guess as the adult I feel like she should of called me to come get him and not let him continue to act this way. Fundamentally I feel like I am giving her and her son the benefit of the doubt, I could perceive all this crap as her son trying to get my son in trouble. I don't think he is, I am not sure why he has said what he has, other than he is telling what he thinks is the truth, whether or not he is right I don't know. But she sure wanted me to know that my son was a liar. Well, geesh, based on what. They have played together regularly for well over a year. He is over there twice a week, he only comes over here once a month or so, her son prefers to play over there as he told me "there are less rules". His mom even acknowledged that. Up until a month ago she raved about what a good kid my son was, what a great example he was for her son, how he always made good choices, etc. So he fell apart this past month, i probably even know why. But she didn't bother mentioning it me and then suddenly she just assumes the worst? That is what is most confusing to me. To severe all ties would be really tough. Her hubby leads my sons scout troop on occasion (7 boys). I lead our church group, 5 families. Our boys walk home from school together daily, we live 1/2 a block away. Tough to avoid. Honestly I am the avoidance type, if I could just cut them loose and move on, that would be okay with me. i don't like uncomfortable situations. But it just isn't possible. And I also know it isn't very adult either. I did skip scouts tonight because I just couldn't cope. BTW they always trade games 1 for 1. So we had 3 games and a guide, he has 3 of our games and a guide. So for us to have lost the one game, means they would have been uneven. It just doesn't make sense. We will move on. My son wants to be friends. We will be taking a break, only have supervised play times at my house for awhile, if she wants her son to come over. Ugh.

By Debbie on Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - 01:51 pm:

I do believe that this mom mishandled the situation. It is very easy for kids at this age to get things wrong and miscommunicate. I can definitley see why you are upset. It is very hard to hear our children criticized and it seems that she is just placing all the blame on your son.

However, if your son wants this friendship to continue then I think you need to put your feelings aside, unless you think the relationship is unhealthy for him. I do think that it is wrong for your ds to misbehave at her house. It seems like she isn't doing anything to stop the unwanted behavior, but that still doesn't make it right. I think you have a good idea about having his friend come play at your house for awhile. I would also talk with your ds about how you expect him to behave when he is at their house. If the friendship is going to continue, you are going to eventually have to talk with this woman. I personally would tell her how there was obviously a misunderstanding about the games and that it really bothered you that she called your ds a liar. I would then maybe suggest no borrowing between the boys, so that this doesn't happen again. I would also suggest that you tell her that you have talked to your ds about his behavior and then tell her that if he does misbehave that she send him home. Confrontation is never easy. I am not one that likes to confront people either. Unfortunately, if your ds really likes this boy, then you may not have a choice.

By Alberobello on Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - 05:28 pm:

I am refering to your second posts because i think the suggestions made before (except the one about getting the four of you together) were very good. I think this lady is just upset with your son and is trying to get it out on him when she should be talking to you (like you said, why didn't she tell you before that your son was misbehaving?). Anyway, how old is your son? I notice in your profile that you have two sons, one 6 and one 8, i don't know if this is updated info, but if this is the 8 year old then you should take it more seroiuosly and probably talk to the two boys together (as well as talking to the mum). If this is the 6 year old then you should talk only to your son, and keep a close eye on him on his bahaviour, and of course talk to the mum, be very polite (i too, hate confrontation, i am a chicken and i get really scared but i find that if i am very polite then i won't want to cry or run away or just pretend nothing really happened) and just talk to her directly. Do not be offended because what she tells you might not be what you wanted to hear. we love our children and would like them to be good children all the time, but sometimes this doesn't happen and we have to accept that and do our best to make it better.
I've seen my own 6 y/o being rude or cheeky to people and i don't know what to do. I am a bit old fashioned in that way and won't tolerate disrespect so when it happens i just want to bury my head and pretend it's not really happening.
Talk to this lady and tell her that you would have wanted to know about your son's behaviour before and that it wasn't verynice to call him a liar. You wouldn't call her son anything like that. i hope this resolves soon and that your son can be friends with this boy again. it is not fair on them to end their friendship because of (like you said) an adult issue. good luck

By Audreyj on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 01:19 pm:

Hi.
This reply is in NO WAY to reflect that I think the two boys in the situation are like the two girls I am fixin' to tell you about....It is just that I do not believe in giving advice, I believe in sharing experience and this was my situation and what I did about it.....

I met a lady about two years ago because her daughter, Kay, was taking drama classes with my daughter, Amy. This lady also had a younger daughter the same age as my younger daughter. So, we became friends through this drama class. Now, this lady is still my friend today, but we all have defects of character, things we have to work on (mine is my weight) hers is that she is always looking for someone to "take care" of her...she is kind of lazy. But like I said, we all have our stuff that keeps us from being perfect. Anyway, it became obvious early in our relationship, that she was looking for someone to kind of "take her under their wing" and help her with errands, free babysitting, etc. all under the title of "Friendship". Well, her daughter, Kay, has very bad behavior. And when she came to our house to play, she colored on walls (first visit) ripped down curtains (second visit) hit my older daughter (third visit) and since these incidents always occurred when the four girls were together, she always found "room for doubt" for her daughter.

So, finally, I called and and I said, "I think Kay requires more discipline and supervision during the children's playdates than I am comfortable giving someone else's child. I think things would go better if the Kay didn't come to my house unless you were her with her." To me, this was a nice way of saying "I am not going to keep your child for you anymore." Now, my friend didn't like it, and tried to talk me out of it, and still, two years later, she tries to get me to keep her children for her, and her husband does too but I just nicely refer to my boundary and say something like, "My own kids are such a handful, I am not really comfortable keeping someone else's !!!" And when she offers to reciporcate and keep mine for me if I keep hers for her I just say " Well, my kids are really a handful I think it would be better if I hang around!" :-)

This has saved our friendship and although it is a sore point with her, we can still be friends and my house is intact. Moreover, if we are drinking coffee or having tea or something and something comes up with the four girls while they are playing both Moms are there to help define and straighten out the situation.

What I am suggesting is that since you are already friends with this Mom, maybe you could say, "I would love for the boys to get together and play together and why don't you (other boy's Mom) join us and we can have some coffee together?" Then, if a gameboy or toy or something comes up missing BOTH parents were there and BOTH parents know what happened.

I usually see this particular friend of mine one afternoon per week. She and I talk and drink coffee and stuff while the kids all play together. And Kay's behavior has improved at my house because her Mom is there and Kay knows I will not hesitate to call her Mom downstairs to the playroom if needed.

Hope that helps, long post I know....but hey, life experience means long post....LOL AJ