I got a call from dd's daycare teacher saying that she's been hitting her classmates in the face for no apparent reason at all. Her teacher says she'll be playing fine with someone and then all of a sudden, she'll just slap them across the face. It's not provoked or anything.

At first I was shocked, because she's always been such a sweet-natured kid and never hits at home or with any of our family. We don't even playfully hit one another. But, it's happening every day. She really likes her school. She's always happy when I drop her off, and happy when I pick her up. She doesn't seem frustrated or anything.

I don't know how I should handle this. The day care's discipline rules don't allow time outs anymore for 2 year olds. They just do "redirection". Well, apparently, that's not working. I can't really punish her for it, because I don't see her until 6:00. What am I supposed to do? I'm scared if this keeps up, they are going to kick her out. I really love this daycare. The teachers are amazing and the curriculum is really good.

Any advice?

By Tink on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 05:35 pm:

This may be too far over her head at this age but can you reward her after you pick her up if she doesn't hit? Maybe every half hour or hour that goes by without hitting, she would get a sticker and if her chart is full of stickers when you pick her up, she gets a package of fruit snacks on the car ride home, or a special toy that she only gets after a good day. It's a tough situation since you don't see her until so much later. Most kids of her age need immediate reinforcement or consequences.

By Kay on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 05:41 pm:

I agree that with a 2-year-old, you can't really discipline when you pick her up so much later, because undesirable behavior has to be addressed immediately for someone that young to comprehend the 'why'.

I would ask the staff for some help along the lines of what Tink suggested - I would think they would appreciate the chance to have a happier, less troublesome day!

Good luck! When my youngest was in toddler class, the staff had to tell me about all the times this other little girl bit or hit her. The staff did warn the other little girl's parents that she would not be able to continue attending if the behavior continued. I'm not sure what the staff did, but the behavior stopped (luckily for my dd )

By Gammiejoan on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 06:29 pm:

Tara, I just posted something similar about my three year old grandson on the "Parenting Children With Special Needs" board. With him, however, this behavior has been going on for some time now and happens at home also. Plus he will be four in June. He is in the public school system, and they cannot refuse to serve him because he has been identified as having special needs. He has a six year old brother who has sensory integrative disorder among other things, and we are wondering if the three year old's aggression might be related to sensory issues. Is it possible that your daughter has sensory issues? The only reason I throw this out as a possibility is because you mention that the aggression appears to be unprovoked.

By Audreyj on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 08:26 am:

Oh dear...well, I don't know if this is a bible-based daycare or not but I will share what happened with my now 8year old daughter. When she was 2, she was in daycare at our church and they told the kids the story of "David and Goliath" and then went outside to play. My dd picked up some gravel rocks and started throwing them at her playmates playing "David and Goliath"! This went on for about a week and then we told her she couldn't go to school any more if she kept it up and she stopped.

If your child really loves school, you might just trying telling her the truth. "Do you like school? Do you like to see your friends? Do you like snack time? and play time?...Well, guess what??If you keep hitting, you can not go back...." If she likes school, she may stop on her own. I spent one summer several years ago with 18 (YES EIGHTEEN) two year olds and I had a little boy who was just a holy terror. We had tried everything and this was corporate daycare so they wanted to keep him to get the parent's money but finally it came to a time when we were really go to have him removed. So, I sat down with him to say goodbye and I explained to him that the reason he had to go and not see "Ms. Audrey" anymore was because of his bad behavior. To everyone's surprise, after that, he straightened up, and was able to stay! We had tried all kinds of stuff, but when he finally realized that we meant business, and that he really would go home and not get to come back, he improved.....that's what it took, I guess. Hope that helps. AJ

By My2cuties on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 08:38 am:

We had a biter at the Daycare I worked at and finally had to let her go, the other parents were getting very upset picking their children up with bite marks on them. Anyway, Before you drop her off maybe you can talk to her as a reminder before she goes in. My 19 month old used to bite (thank God she doesn't go to daycare) but now after several months of working with her and telling her no and be easy, she will start to put her mouth on my arm and gently and slowly pull it away, It is kind of cute I have to try not to laugh, because it amazes me how much they really do learn by discipline at a young age. Good Luck I know it is not easy.

By Vicki on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 08:57 am:

To be honest, I don't feel that the daycare is doing enough to stop the behavior. Why do they stop time outs at 2 years old? To me, that is when time out starts to be the most effective!! Do you talk about it at all with her when she gets home? Does she even realize that she is doing something wrong? If it isn't addressed and she is just redirected, she might not even realize it. I would talk to the daycare and see if there is soemthing more they can do at the actual time that it happens.

By Kaleighsmommy on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 05:47 pm:

I do talk to her before I drop her off and when I get home. (My husband picks her up) I always say, "are you going to be a good girl today?" and she always responds "yes" then I ask her if she's going to hit anyone, and I don't think she quite understands what I mean. I'll tell her that hitting hurts and that it makes me sad when she hits. But, she gets to school and does it anyway. I agree with you, Vicki. I am meeting with her teacher and the daycare director on Monday. They said that 2 year olds don't respond to time out yet. They won't understand what a time out is until they're 3. I don't know if I agree with that or not.

I've thought about going to her class and observing, but I know she will act differently when I am there.


Gammiejoan, I don't know anything about sensory disorders, but I will look it up. Thanks.

By Kittycat_26 on Friday, February 4, 2005 - 08:04 am:

At two years old, it has to be daycare trying to solve the problem. Obviously, redirection isn't working and no matter what, you are never going to be able to deal with the behavior when you pick her up. If the teacher, walks across the room and back and tries to deal with the behavior she will have no idea what she has done wrong.

Timmy was a biter. He bit and he did it at under 12 months old clear through until he was 2 and still occassionally will try it. Every day I would pick him up, the teacher would tell me about how bad my child was. It was to the point where I hated picking him up because all I heard were bad things. Finally, I had a talk with the teacher.
1. If it happens at daycare, they are going to have to find a way to deal with it. You will support them and work with them to find a solution, but they must correct the behavior when it happens.
2. Use the same correction at home as is used at daycare. Consistency is key.

For Timmy, it was a little bit of redirection and alot of supervision. There were days when he didn't leave his teacher's side. He wasn't given time out and he wasn't "punished". But he had to stay with her and by her side.

We had a fabulous teacher. This is the same woman that took 6 twelve month olds outside to sled down a small hill in the snow. The things she did with this kids was unbelievable.

By Kittycat_26 on Friday, February 4, 2005 - 08:05 am:

Oh! I believe that 2 year olds do too know what time out is. I've got a 2 1/2 year old that has known what it is for better than a year. He knows that he only gets it when he has done something that is not nice and that he does not like it.

By Kaleighsmommy on Friday, February 4, 2005 - 01:07 pm:

Good news! Kaleigh didn't hit yesterday! The teacher did kind of what you were talking about. She had Kaleigh just stay by her as a "helper" through the day. She told her if she hit someone, then she couldn't be the helper anymore. We'll see how today goes.

By Lauram on Friday, February 4, 2005 - 03:03 pm:

It sounds like typical 2 year old behavior. Sounds like a good strategy they are trying. And especially because it sounds like it's working.

By Kaleighsmommy on Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - 04:37 pm:

She hasn't hit since the last time I wrote! Her teacher said that the last time she hit someone, they hit her back, and she hasn't hit since. She doesn't even have to be the "helper" any more. I just wanted to let everyone know. I'm soooooooooooo glad!

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 08:24 am:

I'm so glad to hear your good news. It's always hard to hear that you child isn't an "angel". I took it personally and thought it reflected badly upon me. When I stepped back and looked, it was all wrong. What I did have was a 2 year old, just like you.

Congratulations to Kaleigh!

By Audreyj on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 01:22 pm:

YIPPEE KALEIGH!

By Kaleighsmommy on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 04:51 pm:

I did take it personally at first, but I know that she's not the only kid out there that isn't exactly a perfect angel all the time. You're right, she's just a two-year-old!