Child not socially prepared for kindergarten?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
Child not socially prepared for kindergarten?
Hi, this is my first time posting and have a present situation that urges me to seek advice.
Here is my situation:
A short time back I had received my child's first "report card" for pre-K for his first semester in a private school. He recently turned 5 in November. While almost everything was satisfactory the teacher has marked some areas that needed improvement. The items marked for needing improvement struck me as odd given that at home my child exceded what was the usual requirements for his age. Like every good parent I requested a parent / teacher conference to see what exactly she was requesting of my child in order to meet expectations.
During the meeting, the teacher quickly told me that she was concerned by the way my son was acting in class. Although this was not the purpose of the meeting I politely accepted the topic and we began to discuss. She then told me that she was having trouble controlling my sons actions and that he would become easily frustrated and act out. The teacher said that he would exhaust her energetically and mentally; that she no longer knew what to do with him. Now everything she told me struck me as odd as this behavior was never noticed at home. Every morning, I also talked to the teacher's assistant whom always talked wonders about how polite and courteous my son is. That he was a joy and doing good in school. Nevertheless I reassured her that I was willing to work with the issue at hand to seek out a better understanding for the situation and to nip whatever was happening in the bud. Especially since everything she told me seemed to be normal preschool behavior during the adaptation process of an academic surrounding. I figured simple reinforment at home and a proactive approach would settle everything.
What followed next was what was truly shocking to me. Yesterday my son comes home with a letter from the school. Inside was the parent conference report form. Under the section of purpose of conference the teach wrote, "Inform parent my concern that child is not socially prepared for kindergarten." I was shocked and confused immediately as she had never stated in the meeting that my child was at such a stage as to be socially unprepared for kindergarten. In fact, isn't Preschool all about learning to adapt to a school environment so that those things don't happen in kindergarten or beyond?
Her comments were exactly as follows: "Mother was informed that although son was performing well academically, he was experiencing a lot of difficulty in his social interactions. She was informed that her son was not controlling his impulsivity and at numerous ocassions during the day would become frustrated and act out his frustrations when things would not go his way. When I try to explain to him in a direct simple manner why at times he could not have his way he would have trouble understanding me he would become fixated with the situation and it would be extremely hard to redirect him"
Recommendation: "Son should seek a psychological evaluation and make sure that his needs are being met in this type of setting. Student is not socially prepared to advance to kindergarten and should be considered to be held back one year."
I was stunned since at no time was this recommendation mentioned to me at all. This was the first time I had heard about such things and already he is being considered to be held back a year. I was also shocked that this type of promotion control existed during Pre-K.
I quickly contacted the school counselor who was referenced in the report as the person able to assist me with the situation. I began to explain my confusion and frustration as to why I wasn't informed of this intense decision let alone given the time to modify his conduct if such a problem existed. I had never witnessed such actions at his daycare or in person. The counselor simply told me that in the teacher reports the teacher had written enough to prevent his promotion to kindergarten. I asked what were the reasons given and she said she could not discuss this over the phone. That we would have to wait to gather all the parties involved to discuss.
So now I find myself in the situation where my child could be possibly prevented from moving up a grade "in his best interests." The last thing I thought would happen to my son was this especially in pre-K. Deep inside I know it will hurt him greatly to be held back at such a tender age considering that academically he is very well prepared already. He loves his school, his teachers and his friends. All he can think about during the day is going to school and at home he practices the things that he sees at school. When at home he'll grab writings and try to copy the words or take out his books and try to read. He even prefers acadmeic activities over watching TV.
The teacher is a recent graduate so I think some could be due to novice mistake but it also seems that the school is taking her seriously. My mother in law seems to believe that part of the problem is due to my child's build since he is much taller than the other kids by about 5 or more inches (all thanks to his father's genes). Whatever the case I have a problem that I need to address.
Sorry for the long post but I really need advice. I did a search on the net and really liked the answers other mothers got here and am hoping I could receive the same. I also saw that there are some teachers that roam the boards and your input would be very valuable. Thanks for any help you can give me.
Gisela
WELCOME to Momsview, Gisela! 
Former PreK, K teacher here. First off, the teacher/school can make recommendations but ultimately it's YOUR decision as to whether your DS stays back or not. It's hard to give advice when I don't know your DS or haven't witnessed his behavior in school, but judging by what you've told us, I have to say my hunch is that this teacher is new and still learning the ropes. It's not unusual for 4/5 yr. olds to become frustrated and act out, some kids more so than others. Listen to your mommy instincts. What are they telling you? As a mother myself, I think I'd lean more to sending my child to Kindergarten and see how things go. A different teacher may make a huge difference. *IF* there are still issues next year then repeating Kindergarten is an option. If my child was the youngest in his/her PreK class I might consider holding him/her back but this isn't the case for your DS. HTH
Gisela, I see that you live in Puerto Rico; and I am not at all familiar with the setup of your school system there. I live in North Carolina. I was a social worker for thirty years, and I have a son and a daughter-in-law who are both teachers. One teaches fifth grade and the other seventh. I have two grandsons, ages almost seven and three and a half. The older grandson has had some school issues that sound similar to your sons. One difference, however, is that we had concerns about his behavioral and social development from the time he was a very young toddler. These problems became more of an issue when he began attending pre-school. His pre-school teachers and his pre-k teachers all mentioned his impulsivity and his tendency to become easily upset as being significant problems, but there was never any mention made of holding him back. Instead he had a multi-disciplinay evaluation done as well as an individual plan for meeting his needs in the school setting. He has always been academically advanced, and now in the first grade is already reading beyond a third grade level. He still has social issues, but my son and daughter-in-law have insisted that the school meet his needs in his current setting. It is my understanding that here in North Carolina the school system is obligated to meet his needs.
Here are some concerns I have in regard to your son and his school situation. I do wonder why you have not noticed any problems at home and why the teacher's assistant has always given you such good reports about how he has been doing if indeed he has the problems that his teacher describes. You mentioned that he is much larger than the other children. I would think that this might be one reason why it would not be good to hold him back a year. In addition he has been five years old already for a couple of months. Also I gather from the way in which you described him that academically he does sound ready for kindergarten and may even be above average in that regard. If the school holds him back a year, what do they plan to do to insure that he is "ready" in another year?
I definitely would request a meeting with his teacher, the school counselor, and anyone else the school usually involves in such meetings. In that meeting, I would express my concerns the same way you have expressed them to us. I would get the teacher and the counselor to spell out for me exactly what they think his problems are, and I would ask if it is possible for the school system to get a multi-disciplinary evaluation done so that his needs can be planned for accordingly.
There are some mothers on here whose children have been held back a year with very good results. Holding back, however, is not in the best interest of every child. I personally do not see any benefit in it if the child is above average academically. Best of luck with your son's school situation, and let us know how everything goes.
Hi Gisela,
I don't have any school aged children so I'm not in a position to give advice on this issue. It does seem a bit strange to me that a child would be held back from Kindergarten.
I did see a program on television a few months ago where in the mothers indicated that their children were really well behaved and did not have difficulty interacting with other children. The mothers observed their children playing nicely with other children while they were in the room. A camera was placed in the room and the mothers left the room and watched on the hidden camera. As soon as the mothers left the room the child's behaviour changed quite dramatically. The mothers were shocked that their children who were normally so well behaved where acting in an aggressive manner. The point to the piece was that some children knew their mothers expectations and met those while the mother was around, however, when the mothers were not around their behaviour was considerably different. I'm not suggesting that this is the problem with your son, I just wanted to give another perspective, I think the advice above about trusting your mommy instincts is a good one. I'm am wondering if there is anyway you could observe your child's behaviour in a social setting where he is not aware you are around so that you can speak to this issue?
I think the program I saw this on was Dr. Phil, there may be more info on his web page if you are interested in this topic.
Good luck, I hope everything works out well for you both.
Have you talked to your son about this problem? Maybe your son does not like his teacher for some reason. That would not be an excuse for him to act up with her, but at this age, children can get their feelings hurt & perhaps the teacher did not even mean to hurt their feelings. Then the child always remembers it & acts accordingly. Just an idea. Also, there are many children who do not even go to Pre K, only straight to kindergarden. So how is it that they can make the decision to hold him back from starting Kindergarden!?!?!? I would be furious that the teacher did not give you a chance to correct the problem first! If this behavior is really going on the way she claims it is, then it would be her fault for letting it get so out of hand before deciding to contact you!
Please keep us posted.
I would insist on a meeting with all the parties involved right away and talk to them in depth about the teacher's recommendation to hold him back. I would then hold off making a decision after getting an outside evaluation.
I experienced something similar with my 7 yr old. His first grade teacher had made a recommendation to put him in a different class (other than the class we had earlier agreed on) for second grade and I was called into a meeting to discuss it. I felt that I would be doing my son a disservice if I placed him where they wanted me to based only on her opinion and instead told them I would get an outside opinion. In the meantime, I wanted him placed in the class we had originally agreed on. I felt very strongly that I knew what was best for him, but was willing to follow the advice of this outside professional. Long story short, the school reevaluated my son 6 weeks into his second grade year and agreed with me that the class he was in was the best placement for him. I never heard another word about the other class.
I know this isn't exactly the same, but I felt (and still do) that I know my kids better than they do and I had to go with what I felt would be in his best interest. Had I followed their recommendation without getting as much information as I could, I'm sure my son would have suffered for it. I always felt that his first grade teacher wasn't a good match for my son, but never asked for him to be moved. His teacher this year is wonderful and has helped him tremendously.
My sister repeated Kindergarten for similar reasons, and it was the best thing my parents could do for her. She too was doing wonderfully academically at her Kindergarten public school, but she had trouble focusing and the principal and teacher (at our new private school) felt that another year would reap great results later on. They were SO right. She really flourished socially after having that extra year.
I would urge you to put aside any parental pride or hurt feelings and consider what's best for your son. I'm not saying I know what that is--it's for you to decide. Repeating Kindergarten is not like flunking--don't attach a stigma to it. It's just giving your child another year to play a bit more, be a bit more of a kid, and adjust to the next 12 years of organized school when he can't get his way or "act out".
I started Kindergarten a year later than the law allwed because my mom wanted to ensure that I was ready and to give me extra time at home to be a kid, read with her, explore on my own, etc. Later, the school wanted to have me skip a grade because I was so academically advanced. The same may hold true for your son. If you give him time to mature a little, he may advance so rapidly socially as well as academically that they will want to move him up later.
Hi Gisela,
First of all...welcome!
I didn't have time to read everyone else's responses, but I just wanted to put my 2 cents in being a former high school teacher and daycamp director of kids that age.
I just wanted to let you know that you have the ultimate decision in holding him back or not. I know you're in Puerto Rico, but here in the USA, it's only a suggestion. The parents have the ultimate say-so. And, while you see a certain behavior at home, it might be different at school. Kids really act different around other kids and in social situations. You know she couldn't just be making this up.
And, boys do have a tendency to mature at a slower rate. But, it is only January and he might make some strides later on. I honestly think it's too early to make those assumptions.
If you have the chance, go in and observe him. Or, if you might be too much of a distraction for him, send in a friend. You can even have a counselor do it. Make sure the teacher knows ahead of time and that she knows you're doing it to help him, not to discount what she's saying. Again, I usually got frustrated when parents didn't believe what I was telling them. That's not the problem here, but she needs to know that you are not comfortable with her solution to the problem.
It's a tender age, but it's also an age where they are learning social boundaries. I wouldn't want to see him move on to the next grade and feel like he was always the "trouble kid" when really, he just needs to be around those who are at the same social level. It happens all of the time. My younger brother got held back in kindergarten and he's a lot more confident now.
But, again, and I can't stress this enough...there's still lots of time left to determine this and do what YOU feel is right for him. Observe him around other kids in the class and see if there's something you can do to help him adjust to the social setting. Does he have brothers/sisters/cousins at home to help in a smaller group setting?
Sounds like my son alittle bit. He is going into a integrated kindergarten class next year. He will get an aid to follow him around and help him with his behavior.
Gisela, here are links to a few previous discussions on this board on that specific topic. Hope this helps!
http://www.momsview.com/discus/messages/23/27737.html#POST159999
http://www.momsview.com/discus/messages/23/13378.html
http://www.momsview.com/discus/messages/23/16232.html
Gisela,
Do you have the option to go into the class setting during a typical day at your sons school and view this behavior first hand? I recommend you at least try to make it there a few times and on at least one occasion, try not to let him know that you're there, as children sometimes act differently when they know their parens are close by.
I held my oldest child back when she was 5, her birthday also being in November. I, however, held her back for acemedic reasons not behavioral reasons. It made a world of difference for her. She's one of the oldest in her 8th grade now but that doesn't seem to have any impact on anything, in fact, she actually enjoys knowing that she's the oldest.
With my second daughter, I was told at the end of preschool that acemedically she was not ready for kindergarten, however, her teacher....by her personal advice, told me to send her anyway. I did send her and it opened up an entirely new world for her. She is now in the 3rd grade and is at the top of her class in math, reading and language arts. Although I'll never know, I think if I had held her back a year, it would have been devasting.
I do beleive, however, in public school, that you have the choice whether to send your child or not. It's not at the recomendation of any teacher or preschool, however if you're enrolling him privately, that may be a different story.
I hope you can resolve this for him and for yourself but know that whatever happens, children are very resilent and will follow the lead of their parents...if you're anxious, then he'll be anxious but if you're confident, he'll know and feel that way too.
Good luck!
Hi there,
My son is 4 1/2. When he began preschool at 3 yo, he had a horrible time! He was aggressive to the kids and teachers and his hyperactive behavior could not be controlled. He had never been aggressive at home or with friends. We lasted 6 days (after 3 conferences with the teacher and director). The director immediately began speaking about ADHD sypmtoms. I was very upset. Around that same time, he also began severely stuttoring. I took him to a Speech Therapist who also had trouble getting him to cooperate in anything but play. She noticed signs of Sensory Integration Disorder which has an end behavior like ADD, but the reasons are much different. We were then diagnosed with the help of an Occupational Therapist. Sensory Disorder has a wide range. My son is very mild with some social dysfunction but Autism is a severe form. What we realized is that when he went into preschool the lights, colors, sounds, other kids, etc overloaded his sensory abilities. His hyperactivity was due to being completely overwhelmed. We also learned that he misbehaved to get out of activities he felt were too hard. When the OT forced him to place his hands in dough, he acted aggressive until actually gagging and vomitting. This was very abstract and difficult for me to understand. He saw an OT weekly for a year. She did alot of activities like swinging, doing activities with weighted vests, etc. His preschool success has improved tremendously.
I tell you all of this as "food for thought" - but I still have a very difficult time deciding what is sensory vs behavioral vs just being 4 and learning to be strong.
The biggest advice I can give you is to trust your instinct as a mother. Our horrible preschool event only lasted 6 school days, but our entire family was affected. I took it very personally as a mother. I realized very quickly how my son's confidence level was nearly destroyed. He (and I)cried every day after school. I know that sounds exaggerated, but it literally was true. I do not know what went on on those 6 days - but obviously, it was unhealthy for my child. The school never considered any options other than ADHD or just plain bad behavior.
Now, a year later, I look back and realize how important chemistry with your child and the teacher really is. I waited 6 months and restarted him in another preschool. He has been extremely successful ever since. He now has a teacher that is very accepting/warm and has structure but also lets them be 4 years old. I realize now that I made a mistake in choosing the original preschool. I thought he needed alot of structure (and he did), but enrolling him in a 4 hour/3 days week program that was extremely structured was too long and wrong for him (esp with the Sensory Disorder).
I do also have concerns about Kindergarten. My husband, my son, and I are going today to the school we are planning on sending him to. We are going to meet the principle and hopefully some of the teachers. This time I am going to trust my instincts and go with what feels like a good fit for my son.
I truly hopes this works out for you. As I said, I understand how this is so upsetting. Looking back on it now, I wish I had taken it all in context - after all, in a life-long sceme, it is only preschool.
Good luck!!
My mother had my little brother in a lot of 'outside activities' when he was in preschool. She decided on her own that she thought he wasn't ready for kindergarten. She kept him home an extra year, and kept him involved in his activites. He turned out okay I think....he's only 22 now.... Don't really have any advice I just know how it turned out for my brother.
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