Urgent Need Advice
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2005:
Urgent Need Advice
My daughter has a problem and I don't know if I am making it worse or doing the right thing. Can someone give me an outsider’s view? My daughter got in an argument with a girl at school. They are in 8th grade. The girl went home and put up a hate web site about my daughter. A whole site about just her and she emailed it to all her friends. Then the phone calls from boys really bad phone calls. Then the threats at school and the letters passed around with really bad things. We called the police, made a report, talked to parents, talked to principals and it's not doing anything. We finally got a phone call from a couple of the parents involved but its not been very sincere and the mother of the girl causing all of this keeps saying that her daughter would never do this. Even though I have it in writing (I've printed of the computer screen the things that she is saying.) My daughter is afraid to go to school afraid not to go to school. The vice princ. Even said that she thought Kristi should stay at home because they were going to suspend a couple of the girls for an incident that happened to my daughter yesterday. Please. Someone give me some advice.
Sorry for the double post. I'm new at this computer thing.
Being a recent teacher of 5 years, if you want any principal to do anything...you make a call to the school board and the superintendent. Include all documentation. Follow up and mail them letter after letter until they do something.
Is the website still up? Not sure on the laws of slander...especially if it's a child. Harrassment charges would be possible. Sounds like this bully needs some harsh reality because her parents certainly won't reprimand her.
That is SO sad...my main advice to your daughter is to ignore what's going on. They are saying things to get a rise out of her. MAKE SURE HER TEACHERS KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON...every detail, so they know the severity of it.
Have there been any physical fights? Threats of physical harm? If so, they can have them expelled for terroristic threats. They would have to go to a court hearing. Schools take this VERY seriously.
I don't understand why your daughter was told NOT to go to school while the other girls are suspended. Are those girls at school today and are being told of their suspension? If that's the case, then keep your daughter at home. Get her schoolwork at the end of the day (call ahead and tell them you'll collect it...no sense in her schoolwork getting behind. Might take her mind off things.)
Ask the principal what the options are and let him/her know that you have called the school board and superintendent.
(You can usually get those phone numbers online at the school website...do a google search if you don't know how to find it.)
Email me at heidihenkel@hotmail.com if you want to give more details privately...I know this must be SO hard!!! Give your daughter some hugs and let her know that this will pass one day!!!
PS- My father in law is a principal at an alternative school in Washington and I can ask him today too.
Again, I might need more details to help you further. But, I will see what I can find out for you!!! {HUGS} to you both!
I sent you a email Thank you so much. She is just in tears. I know that they say everyone has to go through this but I didn't and the girls I was friends with didn't go through this so I don't know why people (in general) find it acceptable to hurt anyone. I haven't heard from the school today to see if the girls were suspended or not.
I would certainly go to the school board and superintendent as well, and possibly the police. 8th graders know better, and this type of thing is unacceptable. Provide all documentation, and decide what kind of result you are looking for. (Public apology, the website taken down, suspension of the girl, whatever you feel needs to be done.) Good luck, and big hugs to you both!!
This is what my Father In Law wrote:
Not sure what state your friend is in, but this is a case of cyber bullying,
and the courts have held that this is a disruption of the educational
process, and that the student(s) responsible can be held accountable if it
can be proven that this causes a disruption of the educational process.
Documenting everything is a good start. Present that to the principal (not
the assistant, and call the school board member from the area if the
principal does not act. Education is also a property right, so if the kid
can't go to school, there could be a civil case against the parent of the
student. Might be worth a visit to a lawyer.
Hey there -
If your daughter is truly scared of going to school - respect her and think about alternatives - tranfer...home school, etc. Will the bully be in her same school until H.S. graduation? If so, then you may have to take extreme action. Sadly, an incident like this could change her attitude about school for the remainder of her years. I've seen children who were victims of bullying on Oprah, etc. and they were suicidal. I'm not trying to scare you - I just think it is important that your DD knows that there are some options and she doesn't have to suffer in the same school as this girl for eternity.
Keep us posted and wish you all the best.
Amy
Lori, I've been thinking about your daughter's situation for a day, and here are some suggestions. By the way, my advice in situations like this is to do things in writing. It's OK to meet with the principal and vice-principal, but when you meet with them hand them a letter.
The letter to the principal and school superintendent should givie the links to the various web sites and, to the best of your knowledge, the names of the students (first and last if possible, but at least first) involved, along with printouts of the web site contents. It should also list all incidents which have occurred and, to the best of your knowledge, the names of all participants, as well as a demand that the school protect your daughter from bullying and take disciplinary action against the bullying students. I would point out that it is unreasonable and even ridiculous to suggest that your daughter, the victim, stay home from school because they are going to suspend some offending students. Why on earth should she be punished (being told to stay home from school) because they are disciplining other students. If they don't think they can protect her, they should be involving the police, who would pay better attention to a call from the school principal than they did to your calls. It is absurd for your daughter's education to be disrupted because the parents and school system cannot control the offending students.
Second, a similar letter, making a complaint of harassment and, if appropriate, threats, to both the police chief and your local prosecutor (in my area this is the District Attorney). In your letter to the District Attorney, ask whether you can obtain some form of court order to prevent future harassment.
Third, contact the web site host with a letter stating that a user of their hosting services has posted a harassing and threatening web site about your daughter, a minor, and demand that the web site be taken down and the user be denied future services. Be sure to provide the link and, if you know it, the web site poster's name, address and telephone number.
As for the parents, again, while phone calls are OK, if it were me I'd send each parent a letter giving the link to the web site, a printout of the content of the web site, and a demand that their child immediately close down the web site and cease all harassment or you will consult an attorney. Parents are responsible for the behavior of their children at this age, and for a parent to say, in the face of being told where the web site is and that you have a printout of the contents, is irresponsible.
For the phone calls, get in touch with your local telephone company and tell them that your daughter is receiving harassing and threatening telephone calls and you want to set up a program where they can trace all phone calls. Where you already know them, provide the names and phone numbers of harassing callers. You may have to be really insistent about this. Failing that, you and your daughter should use *69 or your local equivalent. In my area *69 tells me the number the phone call came from if it came from a local area. Keep a diary of harassing phone calls - date, time, calling number if you can, and brief summary of the call - and share this with the telephone company after a couple of weeks, telling them this is why you want the call-trace program. Unfortunately, in this day of cell phones, it may be hard to trace some calls, depending on the cell phone service. You might think about getting caller ID and call blocking to not allowing access to callers who have caller ID blocking on their phones. My son has this service and a unidentified caller is told to either unblock caller ID on their phone or leave a (brief) message with their name and phone number - the messsage time is about 30 seconds, as I recall.
Finally, do think seriously about getting your daughter into some short term counseling. As one member mentioned, either in this thread or the other, in some instances students who have been the victims of bullying have done some dangerous things, and your daughter should have some help in working through this.
Given that this is 8th grade, you may want to start thinking seriously about where your daughter is going to go for 9th grade, or, if things don't get resolved fairly quickly, think about her transferring to a different school.
And, if things don't get resolved very quickly, I would consult an attorney. You'd want an attorney who has some experience with criminal law simply because s/he would have better knowledge of which of the activities is actually criminal and which are simply civil offenses.
I am very, very sorry this is happening to Kristi. I know this is devastating to her and the helplessness you are experiencing is the worst thing a parent can experience in such situations.
Here is an article and followup letter in the Philadelphia Inquirer about internet harassment by students. The Inquirer may require you to register to view this article. I am registered and they have never misused my information, so I consider it safe.
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/10545779.htm
Here is the link to the followup letters. The first letter write has an organization that is trying to deal with student internet problems.
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/10587253.htm
Hi there, Lori! I was wondering how you are doing today?
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