I just don't know what to make of this. It has just made me so sad all day. My oldest ds, who is almost 7, has seemed kind of "off" the last few weeks. I just made a comment to dh about it last night. He has been moody, crying more, disobediant, etc. This is just not like him. This morning I sent him and his brother to their rooms because they were fighting. They have been getting into major fights lately, which is totally not like them. He came out after his time was up. He started crying and he told me that he thinks he is stupid and he just hates himself. I was stunned. I told him that I was so sad and sorry that he feels this way. I asked him why he felt this way. He said that he never does anything right anymore and he is mean to his brother and just a terrible person. These were his own words. I told him that everyone, even good people, do bad things sometimes and that doesn't mean they are bad. Just their actions are bad. We then talked about all the reasons why I think he is wonderful. He gave me a big hug then and said he felt better. I asked him if he had been feeling this way for awhile. He said the last few weeks. I told him if he ever feels this way again to come talk to me right away. He said okay. He is such a smart and loving boy. He is doing well in school and has lots of friends. He has always been quiet and tends to think too much. I am just worried to death about him now. Am I just overreacting?? I am not sure where to go from here. I help out at school on Thurs. When I was there today, he seemed just fine. I even pulled his teacher aside and asked if she noticed anything going on with him lately. She said no, he was doing great. I just don't know if/what I should do about this.

By Rayanne on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:08 pm:

I don't know what to do, but I wanted to tell you that you handeled it very well. It could be hormone related. I don't know, but keep telling him that you are there for him and reinforce when he does good so he doesn't think that again. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

By Cat on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:30 pm:

Debbie, you did everything right. The only thing I can say is watch him closely. I'm sure he's probably fine, but you really can never be too careful. Are there any problems with friends or school? Trouble with neighbors or anyone else you can think of? Anything new going on? Is he sensing stress about your dh's job situation? Some of these thoughtful kids can be so down on themselves. Randy can be like that. Seems lately when he gets into trouble for whatever reason he tells me, "You hate me." TOTALLY untrue and I tell him so! He's also pulled that "I can't do anything right." I can be like that, too. Some people just have that personality. Buy anyway, just keep and eye on him (as I'm sure you will). Big {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you both.

By Debbie on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:50 pm:

Cat, it could be he was feeling the stress when dh wasn't sure about his job. I have also been sick and lacking energy the last few months. Dh has been sick too the last week. Maybe all the crankiness in the house is getting to him. I guess I will just keep an eye on him. He loves school and is one of those kids that is just friends with everyone. He just seems quick to anger lately. Dh is not the greatest when he is not feeling well and he has kind of "gone off" a few times the last week, maybe that has something to do with it. I guess I could just think this to death.

By Dana on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:52 pm:

Sounds like you handled it just right. Just keep giving the possitive reinforcements for him.

By Debbie on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:52 pm:

Also, he has pulled the "I hate you" and the "why am I always the one in trouble" I was just so upset that he said he hated himself. It is okay to hate me, I know I am a "mean" mom.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 04:53 pm:

Watch him closely and please, if this persists more than a few days, GET HIM INTO COUNSELING - SERIOUS COUNSELING. My youngest ds said things like this when he was that age. He has been struggling with depression since before then, and it has been a serious issue in his life. I cannot tell you how much I wish I had taken it seriously when he was young and gotten serious long-term counseling for him. I cannot tell you how much he has suffered over the years, and while I don't know if it would have made a difference I cannot help but think (mommy guilt) that if he had had serious counseling when he was little (which he is doing now) it might have helped.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 06:06 pm:

Debbie, I do want to say that I think you handled it just right. And I don't want to scare you, but hope you will be watchful.

By Kaye on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 06:12 pm:

Debbie once again i think Ginny's advice is on the mark. My dd was 8 when she first said this, I did what you did, but I didn't seek counseling. It really spiraled downhill for us, she has had alot of reasons to be depressed, but still, she is only 11. We did start counseling about 6 months ago, it has been great. It has really helped her self esteem. Anyway, watch him and consider counseling. The school also would have a counselor for him to see if you felt comfortable with that. I did not.

By Debbie on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 06:16 pm:

Ginny, you didn't scare me. I want to hear about all experiences. I would hate to blow this off and then have it become an even bigger issue in the future. I have always worried about him more then my youngest. He keeps things in and he is very serious. He will talk to me, but I have to initiate it. I have gotten good at reading him and I can now usually tell when something is bothering him. He is so unlike my youngest who will tell me exactly how he feels. My gut tells me that I really need to watch him. He seems fine this afternoon and back to his old self, but I am definitely going to keep watch for anything else out of his normal behavior.

By Jelygu on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 06:51 pm:

Debbie, I also think you handled everything extremely well. Keep an eye on him, and be sure to point out things he does well.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 07:40 pm:

Debbie, could he be feeling guilt? I know I went through some things, including my first close family member death, around his age that I felt tons of guilt over. I also think you handled it well, and agree with Ginny to watch it closely. Since he is close to puberty, things like depression frequently surface around that age.

By Debbie on Friday, December 3, 2004 - 08:24 am:

I think I have found out where all this is coming from. We talked last night before he went to bed. He is now going to a Catholic school. We have always gone to church and he has attended Sunday school. However, now that he is a little older they are talking more about sins, confession, how to treat others, etc. He is just so serious that I think he has really taken things to heart. He is VERY mature for his age and tends to over think things. We talked a lot last night and he says he feels much better about himself. I will definitely continue to keep an eye on him and I am very open to counseling if his behavior continues to be out of the norm. He did seem much happy this morning when he woke up.

Thank you for all your help!!!

By Lauram on Friday, December 3, 2004 - 10:50 am:

It sounds like it could be stemming from the sins thing. Especially if he's the type of kid who's hard on himself. Keep an eye on him. My ds has said this before BTW. It's very serious for my son though- he has lots of issues and dx's.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, December 3, 2004 - 06:01 pm:

How about finding a friendly priest who can help him to understand that yes, God wants you to take things seriously, but God also understands that he is only 6. After all, the whole purpose of confession and penance is that God, through the priest, absolves the sinner of his sins and they are gone, as long as he is truly penitent.

But I agree, if this is a boy who takes things seriously, do keep an eye on him. I see he is your oldest, and oldest children tend, as a general rule, to take things seriously and to believe that the world lays heavy responsibilities on them.

A story: when I was talking with my oldest, when he was about 21 or 22, he said with great anguish that he felt he was not living up to my expectations for him. I will admit, he is a very, very bright person and I had very high expectations for him and had probably said a lot of things over the years that laid this heavy load on him. I thought about that very hard, and decided and told him, and the other two, that my expectation were really very few - that they behave like responsible citizens, that they be self-supporting and, I hoped, in a job that gave them some pleasure, that as much as possible they stay out of trouble, and that they have the ability to form relationships which gave them joy. Anything else was a bonus.

The point of this is to think about what expectation messages you may be giving your son - certainly without intending to. And, since you've been going through hard times, he may have heard things that made him worry and feel overly resposible. I remember my poor oldest son not telling me when his shoes were too tight because he had heard me complaining about money and didn't want me to have to buy him a new pair of shoes.

It's like the song in the Sondheim musical, "Into the Woods", titled "Children will listen". And unfortunately they take what they hear all too much to heart without knowing all that it really means.

By Debbie on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 07:30 am:

Ginny, I have been thinking lately about how we treat him and his brother since he was mainly talking about his brother. I have realized that I do get on him more with the thinking that he is older and should know better. This is something that we will definitley need to change.

Also, he is a perfectionist. I have noticed that he gets frustrated if things aren't perfect. I have really been trying to convey to him that it is okay if things aren't perfect and that it is pretty impossible to be perfect at everything.

I love the idea of him talking to a priest. We have a wonderful young priest at our church that I really like. I am going to talk to him on Sunday.

Dh and I also need to realize that he "hears" everything. Even when we think he is busy and not paying attention to us, he is listening. We have decided to make sure that we only talk about certain things at night after he is asleep.

This has really made me realize that he is very sensitive and does feel a lot of responsibility. We will just need to consider this when dealing with him.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 03:46 pm:

Debbie, I was 18 months older than my brother, and though most of the trouble was either his idea or he started it (honest!), because I was the older "and should know better", I always got punished more. So yes, you do have to watch that.

Perfectionist - yes, they are terribly hard on themselves. Maybe the priest can get him to realize that we are all only human and are expected to make mistakes. And if you let him see you living with things that aren't perfect (which, heaven knows, is part of a mom's life), and you can drop little comments, that will eventually work into his thinking.

Anyhow, I think he has a very sensitive and caring mom who will watch carefully and work with him on his issues. I applaud you for seeing this so early in his life.