Need suggestions/neighbor boy
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Need suggestions/neighbor boy
After the hurricane a house on our street was rented out to someone new. We found two lost dogs one night and walked around the neighborhood to see if we could find the owners. At the rental house my son realized that the boy that lives there, J, was in his class the first year we moved here. He had moved so Kyle hadn't seen him for alomst three years. I was SO happy that he had found a playmate. He is out of district for school and doesn't know any of the kids in our surrounding area. My happiness has turned to frustration.
J is an only child. His Mom is a very liberal person and basically J gets whatever he wants. I like his Mom a lot. I like J too when he is being nice. But he has NO concept of personal boundaries! Or manners! I am stuck on what to do.
The first several times J came over when Kyle would come into my bedroom to ask me something J would follow right behind. One of the times he had spent the night and I was not dressed appropriately. I had Kyle tell him he cannot do this. That same night Kyle and J watched tv in my room. He was eating pumpkin seeds and he peeled them and threw the shells all over my dresser and the floor. He left them there. He also will walk right into the house without knocking. He has taken Kris' things out of her room and left them outside. He has broken a few things of Kyle's. He does not treat Kayla nice at all. He takes food without asking. I had Kyle tell him that we have rules in our house and what they are. I figure its easier for kids to handle when another kid tells them. e has gotten a little better but still does some of these things. I understand that being an only child he may not get the concept of some things, like not touching others belongings.
My Aunt is here for a visit and we took the kids to McD's for a snack after we went to the beach. We emphasized "SNACK" to the kids several times. We told them what they could get. J kept asknig for something other. My Aunt said no, you can get this or this. He still asked for other. This went on the whole time. Never said thank you, kept asking her to buy him more stuff. She had to get kinda firm and I still don't think he got it. There's a bunch more but there is no point in describing it all.
I am debating on how to handle this. Should I sit him down and explain the rules in my house? Should I talk to his Mom and ask her to do it? I think his Mom would take it really hard if I told her this. I just get that impression from her. I don't think he is a bad kid and I don't dislike him, just his actions. He is 10 or 11 y/o. Any suggestions?
I would sit down with J first and tell him yourself the rules and let him know that if would like to keep coming over he needs to follow these rules. I have the same problem with one of dd's friends. She comes over and askes if she can play in ashleys room (and my rules is that if ashley doenst ask herself the answer is no) but i dont have kids in at the moment since i am very ill. But when i tell her no she starts to beg and beg and once has even walked past me and said well it will only be a while like my no didnt even matter. She does the same with going and taking food and drink like she lives here and such so i know how you feel. She even dug up my plant to plant a fake one she found on the side of the road...LOL! So i told her that if she would like to keep playing over here she will mind my rules or stay home. I havent seen her since though...sh told dd that she does whatever she wants at home so she wont follow rules at our house. Well so be it. Not a way of life i want my daughter to learn anyways.
I agree with Kenna. Take Kyle out of the middle, sit down with J and tell him that while you like him and want to allow him to visit, here are the rules. And, if you break these rules, there is a penalty of X days of not being allowed to come over.
Darned liberal parents. They simply don't realize - whether they are doing it out of personal beliefs or laziness - that they are not doing their children any favors and that the child will pay for it, both now by having problems with school, friends and friends' parents, and in the future as they have to live more and more in the "real world" without mom to fall back on.
It's important for kids to have boundries even when it doesn't make any difference. Is this a single mom with one son? If so, I will say it's a different dynamic than if there were multiple kids and/or if dad was around. When there's just you and him, you really don't have a lot of rules. There's just not a need. But, you have to have them and make them and enforce some rules anyway just so the kid can get used to it. The mom may not realize that.
Why did he switch schools to an out of district school? Is it related to his behavior?
You're doing a good job reining him in. I would go ahead and do things like not giving him something *until* he says thank you. Ignoring requests that don't include Please. Keep saying NO if something is not an option. Make the master bedroom an off limits zone to kids. Have him clean up his messes. I think you can continue doing all this in a pleasant but firm manner. If he's anything like my son, who has few rules at home bec there are no siblings and no other parent, he'll *like* having rules. My son likes rules because it makes him feel more like everyone else, even if these rules are neither here nor there to me.
My niece and nephew, all grown up now, were hellions as children, I'm told. They drove my SIL and BIL nuts. So, they were both sat down and given a list of rules (like not helping yourself to stuff in the fridge and stuff like that.) They calmed down after that and were much more pleasant children.
I agree with Mommmie above. Please and Thank You a must (I make the kids at school say it when I give them their condiments at lunchtime!). Then lay down the ground rules, like never going into the parent's bedroom.
Thanks for the input all.
Laura, Kyle never switched schools. When we first moved here he was in the school he is in now. Then Dad left and there were issues with that and the kids had been through a lot. Plus we had to move from the house we were in. We moved to a different district which is right next door, but I petitioned for Kyle to stay put at the school he was in. By 6th grade the two elementary school join anyway to form the middle school. My kids need as much stability as possible. There's a lot of background mess here with their Dad.
Yes, J is an only child of a single Mom. As I stated earlier, I can understand certain things because of his situation.
I guess I will sit the child down next time he comes over and give him the rules. Thanks Ginny and Kenna also. I just feel like I am going to step on Mom's toes, but it is also my house and I need to enforce the rules when he is there.
I think I followed you. I thought you meant J had switched schools. That's cool you were able to keep Kyle in his original school even though you moved.
As a single mom of a single child I wouldn't feel offended if you reinforced rules when my child was at your house. I can use all the help I can get and it helps to have other adults have rules in their homes and then make my son follow them. Houses with multiple kids have rules my son has never dreamed of since he's lived as an only child his whole life and it really helps him to see The Other Side.
Many years ago I had a neighbor girl over and she used inappropriate language and I told her mom and the mom said, "Why are you telling me? Talk to her at the time she does it and tell her it's not allowed!" Oh. Sure. I can do that. Course later on I was glad when other parents corrected my son because it had more of an impact than me telling him.
There's probably a Hassle Factor to consider though. I have one neighbor boy that the Hassle Factor is so high I'd rather he didn't come over and he doesn't too much anymore.
As the mother of an only child, I am only going to comment on the "only child" aspect of this situation!! Please don't attribute this child's rude behavior to his only child-ness!!
My only child follows all rules of politeness because I have spent the time teaching her about manners and the difference between being rude and polite. She acts appropriately in all situations and knows that she has to, just out of common courtesy!! Most of the only children that we know act the same as my daughter because their parent's have spent the time to teach them!
I would say that this boy's behavior is more out of the norm for an only child. I believe that he needs his mom to spend more time teaching him what is and isn't appropriate in various circumstances. It's more about bad parenting than it is about only child-ness!
I know that you weren't blaming his behavior only on his being an only child but I had to add my two cents about it because too many people believe those stereotypical ideas about only children, that just aren't true (most of the time!!!) 
I agree Livvy... My son is an only child and will always be because we aren't having anymore, at least at this point. He is a very polite well mannered child AND that's at three and a half! His daycare is constantly telling me what a polite, well mannered, and easy going child he is and is a "joy" to be around.
In this case, I whole heartedly believe that this is a "mom" issue, she needs to have a good talking to with her son... At 10/11 he is more than old enough to just learn to "respect" others and there rules but to know right from wrong for the most part.
Kim, I would set J down and explain to him your house rules and tell him if he can't abide by them then he won't be allowed over.
I just now saw your responses Livvy and Christy...I wasn't ignoring you! Thank you VERY MUCH for your input and I have decided to do just that, sit him down and explain the rules of our house. Thanks all!
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