My dks are getting awful about arguing amongst themselves and I'm sick of hearing "Mo-ooom! So-and-so said..." I never know the whole story and one of my dks is so good at stirring things up and then making it look like they are just a victim. I hate to tell them to just figure it out amongst themselves because one of them is much more passive and will end up getting walked on. How often do you end up solving your children's arguments and does anyone have any tips for me about how to teach them to solve their own problems? TIA

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 12:37 am:

That is a no-win situation. I decided to not try to solve their arguments (3 sons, one very manipulative), but simply sent them all to their rooms (separate rooms) with instructions to not come out until they could be civilized - and there were no toys, TV, or anything in their rooms except books for amusement. As you know, you'll never know who "started it". It could be that one provoked the other by seemingly innocuous remarks or behaviors until he got the other's goat and things flared up, so who is really at fault here?

But, if you have one who likes igniting the sibiling fires, you might keep an ear out and when he starts that kind of thing just haul him out and send him to his room, and when he pulls the innocent "I didn't do anything" argument, say something like you knew what you were doing and you knew you were pushing and poking and starting things and that your brother is an easy victim - so go to your room for a while so that you are not around to start things.

I don't think you teach them to "solve their own problems" in this kind of situation. What you teach them is what kinds of behavior are acceptable and unacceptable, between siblings or otherwise.

One event that comes to my mind was between my oldest and 2nd son. The oldest was and is one of the world's innocents, and the 2nd was and is a great manipulator and can "plan ahead". They were sharing a baby-sitting job, each doing the job every other week. The 2nd son, along about early November, counted and planned ahead and got his brother to change weekends so that the 2nd son wound up being the one scheduled to do the babysitting on New Year's Eve - a real biggy for money. When the oldest realized what had happened he accused his brother, and his brother's response, to him and to me, was that he was smart enough to think it through and if his brother wasn't, that was his problem. My response was, no, it is your problem too because if you try to go through life manipulating people eventually you are going to get into trouble - starting now, because you are going to do the New Year's Eve babysitting with the big bucks and are going to split that money with your brother as a penalty for trying to manipulate him, because in our family you don't do that to your brother, no matter how "smart" it seems. Two things resulted - the oldest boy became less trusting of his brother (sadly) and started thinking things through when he or anyone else proposed something that didn't really make sense, which is good in the long run; and the 2nd son began to learn that even "innocent" actions have consequences and has over time become less manipulative, because no matter how smart he is, sometimes other people are smart too and you will eventually get caught.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 07:57 am:

Great advice, Ginny. Thanks!

By Tunnia on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 08:40 am:

Ginny gave you some good advice.

I stopped being referee for my dks because it was making me nuts and the fighting just escalated with each of them trying to get me on their side. The rule in our house now is - if their fighting bothers me (ie screaming, yelling, slamming doors, tattling, etc) then both of them goes to their room for 10 minutes and after that 10 minutes they get to try to act civilized towards each other again. I don't have to yell now. I just calmly say, "10 minutes for fighting". They grumble and protest their innocence as they head to their rooms. They almost never resume fighting when they get out of their rooms. I think it's because it gives them time to cool off. Honestly, I just do not care who started it anymore because I spent all of my time trying to figure it out and I'd get angry by the time it was all over. Neither felt they were at fault and when I would choose who I thought started it one would gloat in triumph and the other would cry and say I wasn't being fair. I decided that getting in the middle of it is a lose-lose situation and that's when I got out of it. Now if I witness one of the dks starting something first hand then I will send only the offending dk to their room.

BTW Ginny, great thinking on the babysitting situation with your boys! It sounds like you were able to turn it into a wonderful learning experience for them.

By Debbie on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 09:46 am:

I don't anymore. Now, that my boys are a little older (4 and 6),I don't get in the middle of things. If they really get out of hand (screaming, yelling, pushing) then I just seperate them. I am very fortunate that they get along really well and they don't fight too often. The only problem I really have is that my oldest ds likes to play alone sometimes, but my youngest is his shadow and wants to play with him constantly.

Ginny, once again, wonderful advice!

By Melanie on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 09:55 am:

I don't typically intervene with the two oldest. However, if I know one is being unfaired upon, they have to sit down and come up with a solution where everyone wins. I still don't do it for them, but I do step in and make them work it out like this sometimes.

By Missmudd on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 11:11 am:

I have told them that I dont wear striped shirts so I am not referring. Now I do do it sometimes but only when things are obviously getting out of hand. I once told the guys that I just wish one would kill the other because then at least it would be quiet. We all laughed so hard they all forgot what the squable was about.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 01:26 pm:

Debbie - one of my favorite sayings is "wisdom comes from experience - experience comes from mistakes". At my age I have had plenty of time to make lots and lots of mistakes, so it is only to be hoped that some wisdom comes from it.

By Dawnk777 on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 03:22 pm:

Ugh. Since I'm a lunchlady and I go outside with first graders, I see so much of this stuff. One little girl instigates stuff and when kids retaliate, she plays the victim very well. So many of them love to tattle! Another little girl will watch the lunchroom, just to find stuff to tattle on! We have to remind her that she isn't a lunchroom monitor! LOL! They are a trip. Also, when a kid is tattle on, they "NEVER" did the behavior in question! I always say that the kid who tattled wouldn't have just "made it up!"