My oldest dd is 11 and in 6th grade. She started playing the Violin last year, she took group lessons offered through the school and also started talking private lessons. She is also on a competition Cheerleading Team and she is in middle school and the homework has been harder for her. She LOVES cheerleading and she is luke warm about violin. She has been taking extra tumbling and stunting classes this year to improve her performance on the cheer team so that along with her added school work hasn't left much time for the violin and since it isn't her favorite activity (she doesn't hate but doesn't love it either) it often gets very little attention. She had a violin lesson today and she came out of it in tears. Her violin teacher spent almost the 1/2 hour telling her that she wasn't working up to her potential and that she expected to see a marked improvement by the next lesson or they wouldn't meet again until she could prove herself. I was not very pleased with this, but I do somewhat understand where she is coming from but as a Mom I naturally don't like it when someone makes my kid cry for any reason... but that isn't really my issue. My issue is with my dh who seems to think that it is OK for someone to tell our children that they aren't doing well and "get in their face" he believes that it will only make them a better person. I think that at 11 life should be about fun....you have your entire adult hood to worry about your performance. If she is spread too thin and isn't getting any joy out of taking private violin lessons then she should cut them out. I feel that my dh is very focused on the 'negatives' in our children (and me). The kids or I can tell him or show him something that we have accomplished that we are proud of and he will give it very little time and move right on to showing us what we should be doing to improve ourselves in another are. He honestly belives that constantly ridding our kids about what they could be doing better is good thing and I just don't agree at all.

Am I being too lenient by letting her drop the violin lessons?

By Imamommyx4 on Monday, November 1, 2004 - 11:56 pm:

It sort of depends. My opinion, for what little it is worth, is that even children should learn responsibility and finishing commitments. Even a 3 yr can begin to learn things like it is her responsibility to put away toys if she pulls them out and if she promises to turn the tv off after a program, then she does. But the point I'm trying to make by going around the world with this is...if she had begged and pleaded to take the violin lessons and there is some sort of commitment time frame like a concert at Christmas or a commitment to a group for a year, then she should continue to give her best efforts until that time at which she's off the hook. If she's just taking them to please someone else or taking them because she thought she'd like it more than she does, then let her off the hook and let her enjoy and commit herself to the cheer team.
My dss would beg to play ball or do boy scouts and sometimes for one reason or another didn't want to or something more fun would come along. In most cases dh and I would have them finish their commitment, then they could choose something else and not to that particular thing again.

By Tink on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 12:12 am:

I think the bigger issue is how your dh treats you and the kids but since you are asking about the violin lessons, I think you should let her drop them. My mom thought it would be good for me to take piano lessons and I did for 11 years. I haven't touched a piano since I was allowed to quit. By the time a child is eleven, they are starting to see where their strengths and weaknesses are. If she isn't interested in violin, let her focus on cheering. Cheering and dance were my strengths along with academics and they made me so much happier than piano did. Even if you decide to stick with the violin lessons, I would look into a new teacher. This one sounds awful. I'm so sorry you are having to make a tough decision like this.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 01:01 am:

I think I would let her drop the violin lessons and focus on the cheering and gymnastics. I think she likes cheering and gymnastics better and maybe they should get her main focus and energy.

My daughter started taking flute when she was 10-ish (5th grade). She is still in band, at 12, and loves it. She is motivated to practice and is getting good grades. She however, would have NO interest in cheerleading and gymnastics! LOL!

My best friend has several kids who were in band, but then lost interest and they focused on other things, like gymnastics and diving, and now her middle daughter is loving doing high school plays. So, if she is only lukewarm about the violin, maybe that's the activity that gets dropped. (Maybe her teacher could have been more gentle, though!)

By Feona on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 06:09 am:

She might take it up again when she is older. I started to play flute when I was 12. I enjoyed playing for a few years. I would let her drop it.

She has two other activities besides to school to keep her busy.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 06:43 am:

Ditto Tink!

By Conni on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 08:23 am:

deleted

By Melanie on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 09:44 am:

I would also let her quit. She does not have the time or the desire to focus on the violin. She has a passion for cheerleading. Let her put her energy into that.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 10:35 am:

I agree w/ most letting her quit as long as there isnt a real commitment there. I would investigate however, does she no longer want to play the violin, or does she no longer want to play the violin because she is having problems w/ the teacher. I would hate to have her stop because she wasnt able to deal w/ her teacher and then have her regret not contining violin.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 06:01 am:

I also am wondering if the problem is the teacher and not the violin. Maybe your daughter would like to go back to the group lessons, or try another teacher. (Sounds to me like this teacher cares more about the violin than the student, which is understandable but not, imo, appropriate when teaching children.)

But, there are only so many hours in the day, and if she is strongly into cheerleading and gymnastics, what with school, homework, etc., there just may not be enough hours in her day for her to do the practicing the violin requires. I agree with Melanie - let her put her energies and time where her heart is. She has probably learned enough so that if she wants to take up the violin later she can.

And I strongly, definitely agree with your opening question: Yes, life should be fun when you are 11.

It also seems to me that your dh needs an attitude check - he needs some lessons in positive reinforcement being the better tool. Focusing on the negatives, as you describe it, only causes negative reactions. In my case, with my nasty boss, it caused me to go through the day with mentally hunched shoulders, waiting for the next negative comment, and that is no way to live. Maybe this is how he was raised and he thinks it is the only way to be, but is there any way to get him to think about changing?

By Unschoolmom on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 07:24 am:

I'd say drop the violin lessons too. Any worries about teaching kids about commitment, well, phooey. People need to learn about joy these days more then anything. They need to learn to do what really fullfills them and makes them happy (as opposed to what they can buy that will give them a happiness fix), not about making another joyless commitment.

But one point, did she start violin in the first place because of an interest in it? If so, keep the violin and buy some great classical recordings (Vivaldi, John Stanley, the Master and Commander soundtrack) with great string music, some celtic fiddle music etc. If lessons don't work for her she still might like to explore the violin on her own. So often kids get interested in something and we put them in classes and lesson and soon they don't want any part of it. We often blame a lack of commitment but it could be that lessons aren't what the kids wanted. They wanted to explore their interest on their own, in heir own way, at their own pace. Letting them do so can be a great way for them to also explore self-discipline (no outside forces making them do anything, just their own desire to motivate them).

'Course, that's the unschooler in me coming out.

By Musicmom on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 09:20 am:

Well I completely understand where the violin teacher is coming from. If she was crying the teacher was probably too harsh and your DD was probably feeling some guilt too.

There were times when I was teaching that I'd have to get after a student. It was no fun for me or for the student when during lessons you have to fix the same problems with the same songs week after week after week after week because of lack of practicing. It really takes it's toll, especially when a teacher has seen and knows of the wonderful potential and natural gift that student has shown. It was sooooooo frustrating.

If it was me, I'd talk to the teacher and ask about the positive things that the teacher sees and has seen in the past. Then take this info as well as how you have loved to see her grow and achieve that dream of hers to your DD. Share that info with her and ask her how she felt when she started taking and why she loves it.

From there ask her to think about what she would like to do about it and give you answer then or let her ponder it a day or two. This way you, your DH and you DD will be able to make a decision together.

Yes life should be fun, but at the same time, you are teaching her the skills that she will need as an adult like, keep plugging away with a goal even when it isn't fun, to achieve the reason the goal was started and ultimately joy.

Good luck.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 10:16 am:

I'd say let her quit as long as she is committing herself to cheer. Shes still young and *does* need to have fun. With school, cheer, violin, and tumbling classes where does she have time to be a kid? I think one commitment at a time at that age is ideal. As she gets into high school and developing more responsibilities she will learn about commitment and the importance of it.

I also think there needs to be a talk with your DH before your DD or anyone else in the family develops real self esteem problems. I understand your DH is trying to do his best and prepare the children (my Dad was the same way) but he needs to do it differently. I've told my DH that for every negative thing DD does he needs to point out the positive. Granted she only 17 months but he'll have it down before it can effect her.

(((HUGS))) and Good Luck!