I am the Mom/step Mom to four great kids. Our oldest daughter (17), two (15) daughters (one his one mine.. both ours now), and a 13 y/o son. Normally our family doesn't have too many ups and downs but boy was last night a wild one.

One of our 15 y/o daughters has been seeing (only at our home and school activities) a 16 y/o boy. He comes from a nice family in town altho his older brother was a bit wild and enjoyed the girls from what I hear. Well last night my husband opened the basement door (policy is basement door is always open and lights are always on) to find the lights out. When he flipped them on our daughter and her boyfriend were spooning on the couch. She immediately jumped up and began to button and zip her jeans. My husband (a VERY calm man) nicely asked for her to please come upstairs. They had been alone in the basement for approximately 12 minutes at this point in time. She came upstairs and he asked her as calmly as he could "Why do I look down the stairs to see my daughter zipping up her pants?" At this point I went to the top of the stairs and asked the young man to leave. She didn't cry, whine or even make excuses... instead she said.. "Go ahead call me a •••• or a whore.. I don't care!" I knew this wasn't going to make things better so I told her to go get her shoes on. While she did that my husband went back to make sure the boy was leaving. I explained to my husband that I REALLY think I need to take her on a walk and find out just how far this has gone. I took her walking and found out that there has been NO previous play... no working it's way down there. Apparently they started right there in her pants! In my day (graduated in 1987) guys worked there way down your shirt, then maybe and JUST MAYBE did it go any further. She didn't seem upset that we caught them nor did she pretend it wasn't something she wanted to do. I talked with her for about 40 minutes about the risks of loosing your virginity, your reputation, your self esteem and all the complications that come from going to First base with a boy least of all this far... not sure which base this is!? I made her come in and apologize to her Dad for doing something she knows we do not approve of in his home. She was a bit bummed about having to do that but otherwise she didn't express any regret. WHAT DO I DO NOW?? We have two other girls 17 and 15 that are shocked and horrified because this is a small town and word gets around FAST. They value their reputations and can't believe she is ok with what happened last night.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What did you or your parents do? Am I wrong to be scared that this is just the beginning ? Do you suggest we give her a consequence or what?

HELP with any suggestion or story will do me so so so much good! THANKS

By Tink on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 03:38 pm:

I have no advice since my dks are so young. I am worried that she showed no remorse. That makes me think that the next time she has a chance she will be doing the same thing all over again and the chances are good that she will make sure there is less of a chance of getting caught. Good luck and lots of hugs!

By Annie2 on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 04:39 pm:

I think you did the right thing. Keep the lines of communication open. Kids her age are going to experiment with sex. If you forbid her from seeing this boy she will find a way to do it behind your back. Then she won't want to talk to you about her situations or ask questions because she shouldn't be seeing this boy anyway.
Although, I do doubt her story that they went right for the pants instead of makeouts and heavy petting.
Check out some books at the library about teen sex, single mothers, self-esteem, etc. There is a great book called "Our Bodies, Our Selves". I highly recommend it for young women.

By Truestori on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 05:47 pm:

I think its time to take her down and get her some birth control. I know some moms here may disagree, but if she is showing this much interest it may happen. If it hasn't already.

I work with teens and most are sexually active, even though the parents have no clue or choose not to believe that it is happening.
It may also be in your best interest to talk with this boys parents and explain the situation and express your concerns. I would have a sit down with everyone and make sure they all are clear on sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, emotions and everything related to sex.
Ok, I'm off my soapbox now! LOL

Goodluck

By Anonymous on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 06:36 pm:

I'm going to agree with Stori. I lost my virginity at 15, and went on BC shortly after. I still used condoms, and was actually dating the guy 6 months before we did anything "serious", but my mom asked me if I was sleeping with him, and then put me on BC. I don't think you can stop her, but educating her, and talking to her is the best you *can* do. I am a bit concerned that she said "you can call me a...", maybe she has self esteem issues? Or possibly someone has been calling her that, and she decided it didn't matter if she did it or not. Does she have problems with her other parent? Possibly someone at their household is calling her those things? It seems unlikely to me a teen girl would not care about being called such things. Good Luck!!!

By Mommmie on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 06:45 pm:

I'm not sure I believe her story that this was the first time for such activity. That just doesn't sound right. Her comment may have been more out of embarrassment rather than lack of remorse. Is she remorseful on other issues?

Sad as it is, I think a lot of teens are engaging in sexual activity. At least that's what it appears from talking to moms around here. You can ground and punish and restrict and they will still find a way to be together. These moms also say the girls are as aggressive and as sexual as the boys. It's not just a pushy horney boy thing. I have no advice since my son is but 10. Good luck to you!

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 06:51 pm:

Wow. I have a 15yo daughter, but she isn't too interested in boys yet. It can stay that way for a while yet!

By Imamommyx4 on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 07:03 pm:

Sounds like you guys handled it extremely well. I hope if confronted with such a situation that I'd do as well. I just keep picturing myself freaking.

By Anonymous on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 07:40 pm:

OK, going out on a limb here. I couldn't believe that my reaction was so different than other posted ideas. I was raised in a strictly religious home and thought my reaction was extreme. I checked with dh and he had the same reaction and he was raised in an extremely *liberal* home. Our reaction was there is no way we are taking care of a daughter who becomes pregnant when she forgets to take a pill or chooses not to use the condoms. She would have her butt grounded and everything she values would be taken from her. If she proved trustworthy, she could earn those items back. Two weeks of no issues with this boy = door back on her room. Two more = cellphone, etc. Just another point of view but I don't think I would be as accepting of the situation because she doesn't seem the least bit sorry.

By Melissa on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 07:42 pm:

I agree with Stori, While I think you should keep telling her your values and what you hope/expect she will or won't do. Kids tend to do what they want sometimes. I doubt it is the first thing they've done as well. I work at a Family Planning clinic and I can tell you parents are the last to know the WHOLE story.What about saying if she wants to keep seeing him you would want to have a talk with him about your expectations. Just be careful not to make him more attractive to her by making him off limits.

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 09:54 pm:

Get her on birth control and get her some counseling. If she's telling you to go ahead and call her names, she's having self esteem issues.

I too think that this is probably not the first time she's gone at least that far.

Girls of divorce suffer differently than boys and often seek love from boys/older men. They often end up having sexual relationships that don't really mean anything to them in their search for love and acceptance.

I'm not saying you don't have a loving home. And I'm not saying this is your fault, not by any means. I've BTDT with 2 teenage girls.

I'm saying there's a reason she is behaving this way, and I don't think just because you talked to her it's going to change that.

Definitely get her on birth control, monitor her activities, practice some tough love if you have to, get her some education of the consequences of sexual relationships at a young age and the real possibility of contracting an STD. She needs to know that she is special, and her virginity is a special *gift*, to be given to someone she loves and who loves her, when she's older.

I still think she could benefit from counseling.

By Theresa_Momma on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 12:22 am:

Heres what I think being that I was a kid a few years ago and some people still think of me as one. My parents were always very open and honest with me and my sisters about sex. We have dicussed to death. The reasons why we should wait. What have you. When I was a teenager and dating my date and I sat in the family living room with the family. When my little sisters were sent to bed my parents would move to the kitchen to give us some "privacy(sp)", if you will. The lights were never off, we were never allowed to share a blanket on cold nights, and my parents never went to bed until the date left. At the time this annoyed my because all kids want to have "alone" time so they can act like grown ups! But now I am glad that they did this. I was a virgin until I was twenty one, my sister is twenty one now and she is also a virgin. None of us were ever put on birth control, becuase that was like giving us permission, although I don't disagree with the birth control idea. I think the biggest thing that my parents did was keep sex an open topic and then we girls felt very comfortable talking about it. I told my mom about my first everything! I know I don't have kids your kids age and I may be way off with this, but I thought I would throw it out there.
Theresa

By Kaye on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 02:23 am:

hmm interesting, I am in the radical group. Although I would discuss sex very openly, I also would simply not allow them alone time together! I guess you need to have a stance on this. It is simply not acceptable for a 15 year old to be having sex. They are not mature enough, accidents happen etc. My hubby and I were married for 6 years and have a condom baby, those things fail sometimes! My parents were very strict, I was not allowed to hold hands or kiss in front of them. Yes I did those things, but my parents had fear in me, fear that I would get caught, fear that i would get pg. I made good choices, ones I can be happy with as an adult. Everyone has different moral values here, but to me waiting till you are married is what I want my children to strive for, nothing less than that is really okay. Think back to those days, really girls don't have that same drive for INTERCOUSE that boys do, it just isnt' the same. But so much is done (IMO) out of curiosity and obligation. YIKES!

By Jujubee on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 06:29 am:

I agree with Kaye. I wouldn't allow them any alone time. What's that old saying about busy hands? Something like busy hands stay out of trouble. Just make sure her hands are busy doing what you want them to be doing . And I would also contact the boys family, don't rely on rumors to get back to them. I have two sons and if (God forbid) one of them were caught in such an act I would want to know about it. I would try not to sound like you are blaming them. Just more of an, "I thought you should know this."

By Dawnk777 on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 07:34 am:

I think the saying is:

Idle hands are the devil's workshop!

By Jujubee on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 07:49 am:

Thank you! That's it!

By Eight_Kids on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 07:53 am:

Maybe I don't always make the right decisions as a parent, but I usually go on their maturity level. DSD (17) has been on the pill since she was 13 or 14. (BEFORE she started having sex) She's very discreet about what she does. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I better NEVER catch it in MY house. She holds down a part time job. Carries a 4.0 grade average, is 7th in her class, in the Nat'l Honor Society, FBLA, and the Spanish Club. She's taking 3 college classes this year (her senior year in high school) She's very goal oriented and extremely mature for her age. She doesn't have a history of making bad decisions. So I've pretty much stayed off her back about her sexual activity. I lost my virginity when I was 13 (graduated in 86') I wouldn't have called myself sexually active throughout school but I did mess around a lot. I think I look at it as there are ALWAYS going to be opportunities for them and you can't be there for all of them. I just try to teach them about STD's and what you can do to help the prevention of them and how bad an unwanted pregnancy can screw up your life. DSD is the only one I have had to deal with so far but the other ones are up and coming (13, 12, and 7)
I think as long as you keep the communication lines open you might be okay. If I ever caught my daughter in the house I think I'd probably ground her from seeing her boyfriend for a couple weeks, but like I said, she knows I don't want it going on in my house and so far she has respected that!
Good luck!!

By Colette on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 08:02 am:

I agree with part of what anon #3 said. Totally grounded and would need to earn back our trust. Especially at age 14. I also agree with Karen, sounds like she has some serious self esteem issues, maybe if you fix that by counseling, she'll see that she should respect herself and her body.

Thank God my 13yr old is still not interested in boys.

By Lauram on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 08:23 am:

I worry that punishing her or having too strict expectations will only push her away (and cause her to rebel). I strongly believe in open communication on this topic, including BC and diseases. I have been talking to my 7 year old about this for several years now (not about BC and disease- but about values and getting married first and then having kids). I also think your parenting on this issue depends on the individual kid. The truth of the matter is, if she wants to have sex- she will. There's nothing you can do about it. Certainly, you can watch her in your house, but it's impossible to keep an eye on her 24/7. Kids have sex AT SCHOOL. Keep talking to her so you know what's going on- but know she probably will never tell you EVERYTHING. I would also get her on BC.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 11:46 am:

Okay, I'm going to be the naughty person here with an anonymous post. I lost my virginity when I was 14. Long before that I had oral sex. My mom asked me a lot if my boyfriends and I were having sex and I always said no. One time we forgot a used condom *yuck* on the floor and my mom found it. She asked me if this had happened before and I of course said that it was my first time. On her defense, she was trying to keep the "lines of communication" open, but I really liked the guy and I knew if I said "yeah, mom, we do it all the time" I wouldn't see him anymore. We were very sneeky. Sometimes we would lay under a blanket on the sofa and have spoon-style sex right there with her in the same room (very loose shorts). I'm not proud of any of this, and I got saved and repented long before I met my dh who knows about my rotten past. The point is, I learned from going through it myself, I am going to be a very strict parent. If I was in your shoes, knowing from my experience, I would not let the guy come over anymore. I would be very careful about letting her go spend the night with a girl friend. (Because even if she really does spend the night there, there are ways she can get with the guy, trust me). Also, you're kidding yourself if you believe they haven't done that before. And...I hate to be pessimistic, but 99% guarantee she's had sex no matter what she tells you. Looking back I really wish my mom had been the parent and not so much the friend. Punishment has to be involved. I agree, no cell phones for sure (she can use those for phone sex), and home phone calls must be in the kitchen or living room. Grounded for at least 2 or 3 weeks. School events must be chapperoned by you or your husband. I don't mean to over step, but since I was very sexual very young, I think I would know at least a little of what it would take to get this under control now. No one would think I was like that either by the way. I made honor roll every time. I was very into extra curricular activities, and had lots of nice friends and was very close with both of my parents. Birth control is something else people have been talking about. I convinced my mom that I needed to be on BC at 14 bc my periods were so bad. That was half true, but I didn't want to get pg more than that.

P.S. If you don't do anything, she's just going to do it more bc she thinks she can get away with it.

P.S.S. Sorry for the reality check, but sex feels nice and most teenagers (not all) are going to try it out. I did again and again and almost always got away with it. Before I was 20 I slept with nine guys and only got caught twice from leaving condoms, so after that, we stopped using them.

God is so merciful and awesome and wonderful for forgiving me. I am also very blessed bc I never got pg before marriage and never got any STDs. Good luck!

By Emily7 on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 12:51 pm:

She needs to be punished & she needs to be put on birthcontrol. But she also needs to feel like she can come to you.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 01:12 pm:

I guess i'm in the middle and don't know where I stand or what I would do. I'm not tooo much older than this 17 year old girl and I remember being that age.
I slept with my first *serious* boyfriend at 16 and soon after my Mom took me behind my Dads back to get on bc. And I only told her about it because I wanted to get a pregnancy test (negative, thank God). I'm sure bc saved me from getting pg but it also gave me the idea that I could be with whoever I wanted to (within limits, I knew the men I was with long before we had sexual relations). Even with my DH (while we were only bf/gf) I remember the "spooning" that one of the anons mentioned. I remember quickies when my Dad ran out to his office. I was with 5 guys (DH included) before I settled down and married DH. 4 out of the 5 I knew atleast 3 or more years and were friends or acquaintances of either DH or my ex b/f (my 1st). Sad, but true. I had a wild high school experience. BC kept me from getting pregnant.
But at the same time I cant imagine myself 15 years from now taking *my* DD to get on bc. After all was said and done I *really* wish I were able to give my DH the gift of my virginity (as he did to me) and I want to teach my daughter the importance of abstinence. As far as when that point comes and how my DD takes it.. I guess i'll know then how i'll deal with it.

But to the original anon, good luck and I wish you the best.

By Kristie on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 01:15 pm:

Ok, I have decided not to go anon with this because I feel that all of you are my friends and know the good things about me so you might as well know the bad, especially if it could help someone.
I didn't loose me virginity till I was 17. The boy dumped me a week later even though we had dated for 9 months before. I guess he was pretty patient about waiting to take my virginity and run. 2 months later I was at a party and was VERY drunk and was raped be 3 guys who I thought were my friends. 2 weeks after that I finally told my mom what had happened, Loseing my virginity, getting raped, everything. No charges were pressed, I had taken many showers and it was my word against theirs. Well, my reputation was already ruined after I lost my virginity cuz boys love to brag when they "get some" and after the rape everyone believed I willingly had sex with those 3 guys. I was scared to ever have sex again. I ended up ditching school because I was heckled all the time, I was known as the town whore and life sucked!! Finally my attitude became that if everyone was gonna call me a whore than I would just be one. (some people when they are raped do this I have now found out through counseling) I slept around alot and have no idea how many people I have been with and don't want to know because the thought makes me physically Ill.
My point is that I didn't ever want to loose my virginity till I got married. My boyfriend told me he had a promise ring ordered for me and he loved me so it was ok to have sex cuz we would get married when we were old enough. (it took him 5 months to convince me of this)
If I wouldn't have lost my virginity, I wouldn't have been at that party and gotten that drunk, I wouldn't have been raped, and wouldn't have become the town whore. It is so easy to have sex with more people after the initial first time. Kids are so cruel and if your daughter does have sex you never know how her peers will be.
I can tell you that nothing my mom could have said or done would have stopped anything that happened, it was ALL my doing and my choices. You can just pray that if she does have sex she will use protection and be carefull. My heart goes out to you, my son is only 5 and I am already dreading the day when sex becomes and issue in our house.
I don't know how my story can help you but maybe if your daughter reads it she will see that sex can change EVERYTHING. And there is alot more to it than just feeling good for a few minuets.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 02:49 pm:

My story is different. She may not be having sex and just trying to get that sexual pleasure other ways. When i was 14 started dating a guy and we dated for over 2 yrs. Believe it or not, we did every thing BUT have sex. We were very intimate, got naked in bed together but never had intercourse because we didn't want me to get pg. Just did a lot of heavy petting I guess.

Do ground her, don't let her think she can get away with it again. We never got caught. But if we did, we still would have gotten together, but would have just been REALLY careful after that.
Good Luck, those hormones are just going crazy for them right now.

By Juli4 on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 04:39 pm:

my husband and I started dating when I was 14. It was on and off for a while then When I turned 16 we were very serious. We got married at 17 and are living happily ever after since. Fooling around at that age is not uncommon. I don't think that it means she has serious issues or needs counseling. It sounds like from the way you and your husband acted you are a good family. I do not approve of the behavior, but know that experimenting during this time in her life is normal.

I would be careful to not drive her away. Why don't you bring the boy over and talk with the both of them. involve his parents if needed and if you think it would be beneficial. Tell them what is and is not acceptable behavior. depending on how long they have been dating and how serious the relationship is you may insist on it ending,but if it has been going on (dating) for a while then that would only cause more problems I think. But if you can get involoved ste stricter rules for dating such as only spending time in the living room or something like that. They are fooling around because it is fun and feels good most likely not becasue they have some serious emotional issues. Remember why you did it and try to relate. I am in no way condoning the behavior, but I want to be realistic as to why it is happening. Hormones are crazy and it is fun. They need some more direction and involvment and obviously more rules.

By Pamt on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 10:30 pm:

I would allow no unsupervised dating at this point. Maybe allow her to have a guy over to watch a movie or something, but no snuggling on the couch (under a blanket??) and lots of walking through unannounced. Absolutely no going out on dates at this point. My parents threw a fit when my now DH put his hand on my knee in their presence. I can't comprehend them allowing me to spoon on a couch under a blanket even if we had been fully clothed with our hands in full view. My parents were the extreme on allowing PDA in their presence, but then again they had a shot-gun wedding when my mom was 15 and my dad was 17, so they had BTDT. (BTW, they never told us that they "had" to get married. Us kids figured it out and finally asked them about. Wish they would have discussed it with us)

DH and I started dating when we had just turned 17 and got married after we graduated college at almost-23 y/o---dating exclusively with no breakups during the entire time. We were both virgins on our wedding night and we had known that we would ultimately get married after our freshman yr in college. We were off at school and had plenty of opportunties to have sex and we definitely had hormones in overdrive. It was a constant struggle for us, but we discussed our boundaries and we didn't put ourselves in compromising situations (i.e., making out alone in my bedroom). I was also put on bc pills my freshman yr of college due to problems with my period, so we were covered in that dept too. For us it wasn't about not getting pregnant or catching an STD (although it was nice to NEVER worry about that). It was about the anticipation and excitement of giving and receiving a special gift to each other that no one else had ever been given and that could only be "unwrapped" on our wedding night after we had committed our lives to one another. As my DH tells kids in our youth group...never have sex with someone you are not willing to die for. Ideally, that would be your spouse.

The reason for my story is not to say that we deserve a pat on the back for waiting, but to prove that it IS possible for 2 healthy hormonally driven teenagers who are in love to hold off on physical intimacy. That includes petting, oral sex, or anything along those lines. My DH and I discussed it when we were dating and while we certainly enjoyed extended makeout sessions our rule was that we would never touch (clothed or unclothed) any part of each other's bodies that was covered by a bathing suit. It is not inevitable or expected that "kids will be kids" and we sell teenagers short when we expect them not to have any self-control. Self-control and delayed gratification begins in the home and if they have seen it modelled then they can buy into the concept. Truly, anything worth having is worth waiting for and much more appreciated after the fact. I think we had the shortest wedding reception in history because we were soooo ready to get to the hotel! It boggles my mind how much we applaud those who work hard against all odds for a degree or congratulate the guy who started in the mailroom and doggedly worked his way up to CEO, but we just expect kids to have sex because it's simply too difficult to wait. My own parents were *disappointed* that I was a virgin when I married. I vividly remember my mother asking me what if DH and I weren't sexually compatible. I told her that he had Part A and I had Part B so I thought everything would work out okay...and it has

I just asked my Dh his thoughts on this post since he deals with this issue alot as a youth minister. We don't have a daughter, but if we did she wouldn't be allowed to see this boy right now. Maybe in the future, but the guy would have to work very hard to earn our trust. He violated 2 rules: lack of respect for your DD and lack of respect for your home and your rules. Your DD also shares some blame in that she allowed it. Unfortunately, it is probably due to her desire to earn his "love" and acceptance. With that she needs to have an intense time where you and DH teach her and get her to realize that she is worth more than that. She is worth more than selling herself out to get some guy to like her or stay with her. Her Dad will be invaluable in this since many girls begin having sex to meet some need for a father's love that they haven't been given (not saying that this is the case--just that it is common).

My final thought in regard to bc...the rationale for providing bc is the same thought as letting the kids drink alcohol at your house eventhough they are underage. "Well, at least I know where they are and that they won't be driving." Baloney!! You have just officially given them your permission.

By Andream on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:46 pm:

I agree with Kaye and Pamt. My husband and I were engaged when I was 17 and a senior in hs, but we didn't get married for 3.5 yrs. We had agreed to wait and it wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but we waited and I am so thankful! Waiting until marriage saved us so much strife and guilt.

This may sound silly, but...As a young girl, and even now, I believe there's one someone out there for everyone. If your dd believes that(and I think so many fairy tale following young girls do), stress to her how her future husband would feel about what she's doing. If I could talk to your dd or any young woman I would stress to her how when you get married and have waited, what a wonderful expression of love sex can be- because you don't carry those past skeletons and adolescent insecurities to bed with you.

Another thing that comes to mind is how often dads begin feeling akward when their dds begin changing physically during puberty. Dads may not even realize they're pulling back from their dds. The dds are having a hard enough time with those changes and everyday insecurities, but when their dads shy away from giving tight hugs and fatherly physical affections, however subtle, it can only make those insecurities grow. Maybe it would help for her to have a little one-on-one time with her dad, even a weekend trip. It may be akward at first, but it might restore some confidence and give her dad a chance to instill some insight on the intentions of young men.

By Missmudd on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 10:45 am:

Pamt I agree with everything you said *except*... lol. "He violated 2 rules: lack of respect for your DD and lack of respect for your home and your rules. Your DD also shares some blame in that she allowed it. Unfortunately, it is probably due to her desire to earn his "love" and acceptance."

Lets not make DD a victim in this. It may be the case, but if it is anything like my 15 yo ds and his girlfriend (who I watch like a hawk), I think the lack of acceptance, poor young girl thing is stretching it. I think in some respects the old have made a big impression on the young, I dont think young girls are having sex early because they are forced into it anymore (or at least as often), more that they do feel on an equal ground w/ the guys and have the drive to do it. Now I am the first to admit that I may be totally wrong since I live in a house w/ 5 guys but thats JMHO.

As far as me personally, I waited for my husband, but not the wedding married 15 years next sept.

By Christylee on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 01:47 pm:

Missmudd, I agree with you... My sister is 15 and I've been up to the high school, been to functions, and see the girls. See how they act, see how they chase down the boys just as much as the other way around. Times have changed from when we were kids (although I saw that when I was in HS too) and kids are going to do it, is it right? No, can we stop it? Maybe, but I don't know... Short of being with them 24/7 there is NO way, you can talk about morals, waiting, STD's, and pregnancy but in the end it's up to the two involved.

I think that you did the right thing in talking to her about consequences, and I think I'd definatly be changing the downstairs situation as to not make it convient but in the end you just have to hope that your DD makes the right choice for her.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 02:23 pm:

While I agree with with much of what Pamt has posted and she has great insight and advice, the one thing I still say is she should be on birth control. Some may see it as lowering the bar, but in this girls' case (and in others, no judgments intended to anyone here or anyone in their families), just monitoring activities, increasing supervision and removing privileges are not going to change things that quickly. She goes to school - what's to stop her from cutting class one day with this boy. She gets *un-grounded*, who's to say she won't devise a lie to see him for some *private time*.

I'm not saying condone this by any means. I'm just thinking realistically, after raising 4 teenagers. My oldest DD's birth mom rejected both her and oldest DS when they were young. Compound that with their Dad being emotionally unavaiable and in his own way, withdrawing from them. Birth mom told oldest DD she was a tramp, etc. Oldest DD was still a virgin. She ended up sneaking, lying, whatever to get around ALL of us - ended up sleeping around.

She later told me she did it not because she enjoyed it, but she felt she was pleasing someone and felt loved, even though she knew she was really being used.

Did she need therapy? You betcha! And she's had it, lots of it. I'm just trying to say that, IMO this girl has some emotional issues going on, and at this point, there's a possibility that no matter how hard you come down on her, it takes much more than that, and even with counseling/therapy or new *ground* rules or revised privileges, there's the chance that this behavior will continue and you at least want her protected in that regard.

Again, I am NOT saying *give her permission to have sex*, but with some teens, they are going to do it no matter what, and in that case, you've got to help protect them as best you can.

She needs some self esteem and she needs to be shown, first hand, the consequences of having casual, unprotected sex - is there anywhere near where you live that takes in unwed mothers or something like that?

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 01:17 am:

As a sexually active teen I can tell you that you will not stop her. She will find away if that is what she is wanting to do. I agree with Karen and think she needs to be on BC. Because the harder you fight her to keep her from doing it the more likely she will. I had friends that would sneak boyfriends in the house and have sex in their bedrooms while their parents slept. I had friends that snuck out to have sex. I have friends that would say they would be sleeping over at so and so's and actually stay with the boyfriend. I also know girls that would skip classes and have sex in cars in the parking lot at school. Sex unfortunately is seen as being an adult action. These kids are wanting to be grown so bad that to them this is a sign that they are adults. They don't understand the ramifications no matter how much you try to instill it in them. And it is my experience that it is best to accept what might happen and face that than to pretend it won't happen and then end up blind sided. None of us want grandchildren mothered by a 15 year old. My daughter is 15, she has friends that have dead lines on when they will loose their virginity and to whom they plan to loose it to. She also has friends that have been sexually active for years and talk about it like it is just another thing that happens in their day (like taking a shower or eating lunch). This puts pressure on the kids that aren't doing it to go ahead and do it. So the point is, to say that you can talk her out of doing it is a slim chance and err on the side of caution. That is my motto... DD is a virgin and is planning to save herself unitl marriage but we have had long talks and are planning on getting her on BC with in the month. I told her, so you are on BC for ten years and never have sex, great!!! But no BC and sex one time can change any future plans she has. And it only takes one time as we all know. My point is, it takes a month for the BC to be in effect, say she has to wait a month to start the BC due to timing of the pap. That could mean two months.. Okay now what if she meets MR Right-now? What if she isn't on BC? Will I have the two months of sex free time to get her protected? I don't want to take that chance. Don't want to wait until she is "ready".

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 07:46 am:

I just read the last sentence in my post above and it needs some clarification. Geesh!!! LOL

What I meant by that was that maybe if she sees firsthand what the consequences could be......young girls ending up with unwanted pregnancies, etc.......it might help to open her eyes a little bit. And she needs to be aware of the danger of contracting STD's......unfortunately most teens thing they are 10 feet tall, bulletproof and invisible and that it *could never happen to them*.....

By Conni on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 09:40 am:

deleted

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 08:13 pm:

Guess I should be thankful neither of my daughters is boy-crazy at this point. It can be that way for a long time yet! I didn't have sex until I was 22! We were also very careful to use birth control because I was NOT ready at 22 to be a mom! (Neither was he ready to be a dad, for that matter!)

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 09:31 pm:

You want to hear a scary reality? KISD (the city school district for Killeen) was in the paper the other day, about starting a program for PREGNANT MIDDLE SCHOOLERS!!!! There are more than a few pregnant middle schoolers in the district, and the school board is considering giving them a program to finish school. They are pre-teens and 13 year olds!!! WHAT?!?! The whole concept is NUTS!

By Kay on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 10:01 pm:

Crystal, as you might remember, I'm from the central Texas area - my first reaction is unfortunately not that of shock. Texas ranks way up there in teen pregnancies...in my city, we see 11 and 12 year olds come in to deliver.

At least the school system recognizes the problem and is seeking to allow these children to receive some education - their path is uphill as it is.

Unfortunately, the problem of child pregnancy won't be solved with a quick fix, but that's a whole other topic....I believe that if the child is encouraged to at least complete a viable part of her education, she has a better chance later on, and that cycle might (hopefully) not be repeated down the line.

By Palmbchprincess on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 01:23 am:

Kay, I agree with the school accommodating them, because it is going to be hard, but I cannot imagine my DD telling me she is pregnant at that age. Seriously, my head hurts just thinking about it, and she's only 2!!! It's so wrong to have these babies having babies!!!

By Anonymous on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 09:35 am:

I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I always told my mom that I was'nt seeing anyone and that I'd never had sex. I would straight out lie through my teeth. My first partner was a married man. This is the one thing in my life that I would change if I could. My mom had no clue. I finally confessed to her about the realationship when the wife found out and told me she was going to tell my mom. So I told her myself. She had no idea, she cried it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I had many friends telling me to stop the relationship with him, I knew it was very wrong, but I had never had a man show me this kind of attention and nobody had ever told me that they loved me before. Lots of girls will do it even when they know they should'nt. Thank God we were busted (the wife read my diary) or who knows what my life would be like now. I beleive that lots of kids will have sex and the parents will have no clue of it. I think that this girl has probebly went further with this boy but just wont tell. I would really concider BC.

By Rayanne on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 10:58 pm:

I was 16 when I lost my virginity. It was to my DH now and his was to me too. Before him I did mess around, but I never went all the way. I guess this all stared around the age of 13 or 14. I never went all the way because I was too scared. You have to do something before it is too late.