I am not sure about how to handle a situation with my step-children. One is 6, the other,4. They are crazy about me, and I love them so much. Their mother and I get along very well. We speak, often, send each other emails etc. We are lucky we get along, and have some sort of a friendship.
Anyway, my 'issue' is she doesnt think they have to eat 'big people food', which means they eat alot of chicken nuggets, pizza, mac and cheese,etc. At our home, I try to encourage some kind of vegtable, corn, or green beans. Long story short, I dont want to seem like the evil step mom for encouraging vegtables, table manners, etc..
What do you guys think?

By Emily7 on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 11:57 pm:

My ds gets a veggie with every meal. I think that you are right & they will end up liking them someday. I wouldn't force them to eat it, but I would encourage it.
Have you talked to their Mom about it? What does she say?

By Amyk on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 06:11 am:

From Dr. Phil's site:

http://www.drphil.com/show/show.jhtml?contentId=3022_howtogetkids.xml

check out the picky eater stuff.

LOL

Amy

By Karen~moderator on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 07:55 am:

BTDT - in spades!!!

Just smile and gradually encourage and integrate new, healthy foods. If you try to do it all at once, it probably won't be successful.

You could explain to them that your house has different rules if you want to......

It's really hard with blended families do things differently. I would say be consistent, don't get angry, do it slowly, sooner or later it should work!

By Feona on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 08:04 am:

I don't know if this is a good idea or not.

Ds seems to prefer not to eat vegetables and fruit.

He can have a 50 calorie tropican pop or some dessert if he eats his vegetables.

I serve vegetable first before dinner. Else the vegetable will not be touched.

He can choose not to eat vegetables, but no dessert.

A bite would be good enough for brocelli. Carrots or corn or pea he has to eat like half the plate.

By Audreyj on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 08:11 am:

I had a stepmom. First of all, let me say that there were other "issues" besides this one but the three of us (me and my siblings) hated to go to her house. Now, as an adult, I realize she was just an organized person (following a divorce, she is no longer in my life). But at the time, my siblings and I thought she was nuts! She really enforced table manners, eat your vegetables, no sugar in tea or coffee, good posture, few desserts, monitored our TV watching, strict "times" for things, etc. She drove us nuts! We hated going over there, and eventually, as time went on and we got older, we stopped going over there altogether. She and my Father eventually divorced (he was no prize and she was probably better off without him). As an adult I realize now that she was just trying to introduce us to some structure. But as kids we could not stand her. Just a point of view from the "kiddy corner"!

By Cakekisses324 on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 09:06 am:

Thanks guys. Also at their house, they watch cartoons allll day and play computer games alllll day. We also have them 'pick up the toys' at the end of day. Their mom doesnt make them, pick up, lets them have cake for breakfast, happy meals at almost every meal, and sit in front of cartoons all day. The tv drives me bananas all day, and I disagree, with her, that is not healthy.
I have casually mentioned things lightly to her. She says they are too young to eat veggies. I am very lucky, they are crazy about me, but I would hate for that to change.
At the same time though, Im not going to 'let' them 'do' over here what they 'do' over there.
Thanks guys!!

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 02:34 pm:

First, you and dh need to sit down and decide what the rules are in your house. Then, he needs to be the one telling them. No matter how wonderful you are, you are "not my mom". But, he IS their dad. As time goes on, they will become more accepting of your authority, but for the time being I suggest you and dh confer first, agree on the rules, and consistently support each other.

I once saw a woman on the train reading "Step Parenting for Dummies" and she said it was wonderful.

By Audreyj on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 03:12 pm:

I agree with Ginny. Another reason (as kids) we didn't like my stepmother was because she was the one who enforced the rules. My Father (who was rather useless) didn't really say anything, he let her "run the show"! As I have written previously, as an adult, I understand what she was trying to do, but as a kid I couldn't stand her and the fact that my Father didn't back her up, certainly didn't help matters.....maybe your DH could enforce the rules for a while, as Ginny suggested. It would probably help "smooth the road" . AJ

By Karen~moderator on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 04:00 pm:

Ditto Ginny. I've had a stepmother of my own - she didn't want the 3 of us girls anywhere NEAR my dad and did everything she could to alienate us and it worked, we had virtually no relationship with him for 15 years.

I've been a stepmother and pretty much raised my X's kids and he was apparently just looking for someone to do just that because he bowed out of the active parenting and it caused a lot of problems. HE should have been the one doing exactly as Ginny said, then helping me enforce rules and follow through. As a TEAM, you can make it work.

And.........I've given my kids a stepfather by remarrying. And that has had its ups and downs, but I expected it.

So when I said *BTDT in spades* - I meant it!

No matter how much these kids like you, they have to learn to respect you for who you are and respect the place you have in their family. Most kids of divorce, no matter what the conditions were previously, are suspicious of anyone taking their mom/dad's position in their lives. They have trouble feeling that it's *OK* to like or love the stepmom or stepdad, because in doing so, they feel they are betraying their *real* mom or dad.

And it's normal for them to resent you as an authority figure and common for them to throw back at you *you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mom/dad*. With your DH's support and encouragement, you can make this work. HE should let his X know what the rules will be at your home, and HE should be the one to tell the kids what they are. And as I said before, it's hard to make a whole bunch of changes at once - too much too soon won't work.

He needs to be the *heavy* right now, with you by his side. I'm sure that by working together you will make it work just fine.

Good luck!