Update on kid next door
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
Update on kid next door
I have forbidden my son to play with him during the week. On weekends, I have been watching them like a hawk and eves dropping.
He comes over every morning and catches the bus at our house.
Today, he had an envelope with something in it that he was pretending was his private part. (He didn't know I was looking) He was swinging it around like he was swinging his penis at cars going by. I don't want people driving down the road to think that he is one of my kids! When he saw me looking, he froze and turned ghostly white.
I stayed out there with them until the bus came, but I was a short distance from them and he thought I couldn't hear what he was saying. He told my 8 y/o that he was going to commit suicide and that he would help Gabe die too. I called Gabe over to where I was and told him that he had better not play "commit suicide" with that kid. Gabe said, what does commit suicide mean? I told him that it means to kill yourself. Gabe immediately went over to the kid and said "I don't play kill myself games, and I don't even want to talk like that!"
I came home for my lunch hour today to talk to his mother, but she didn't answer the door. I have decided that I am going to tell her everything that has been going on, and see what happens from there.
I hope she doesn't go psycho on me.
Oh Katherine!!! That is AWFUL! That is TERRIFYING!!! I'd involve the police or social services!! What if this kid decides Gabe has to play this game or really DO it, whether he wants to or not??? I feel SO bad for you. Keep Gabe away from him at all cost! I'd cut out the weekend playdates immediately. You could also call the school and report what you heard this morning. I hope this kid gets true help, he needs it.
If you can muster it, I'd call Child Protective Services. It's hard, though, to call on someone you have to live next door to, so I'd totally understand if you didn't.
I would cease all interactions with this family. Cold turkey.
I agree, I would absolutely call Child Protective Services or the police or both. Talk of suicide by a child is not to be taken as a game. Absolutely keep Gabe way from him at all costs.
My son has been hospitalized 3 times as potentially suicidal (he was over 25 the first time) - I take this kind of thing very seriously.
I understand that they live right next door and things could be awkward. I realize "I" am not "you". But I would rather have awkward than dangerous. Why does he come to your house to catch the bus? Is that where the bus stop is? If so, I guess that's unavoidable. You wrote he turned ghostly white when he saw you noticed his bad behavior. Did he seem overly afraid? If so, he may be a survivor of abuse, especially with the sexual overtures of his play. If he used the words "help Gabe die" that it using postive context to discuss death, as though death and suicide were a solution or an answer to a difficult situation. Depressed people and mentelly ill people are known to discuss death and modes of murder and suicide in positive context. Such as, "help you die" or "better off dead"...this is very, very dangerous because when a person speaks in this manner they are communicating that for them death/suicide are not only options but could be considered a viable, positive alternative to life.
The Mom is not going to do anything. She is looking for someone to "take on" her son and she will probably just play on your sympathies to continue to "guilt" you into taking in the boy or she may "blow up" at you or at the boy because clearly the situation is not working.
Why is this young man at your house on weekends?
Again, please know that I realize "I" am not "you". You are the one who has to live with whatever action you decide to take, that said, I would report this family to DFACS. Chances are, they already have a report on file from the hospital due to the Mom's suicide attempt and your comments will only validate the first report and maybe something could be done on the part of the dept. to intervene. I would rather have my neighbors mad at me (saying, "My son won't come back over there!") and deal with the awkwardness (is that a word?) LOL than let the son come over because I feel obligation or pity or because my child wants him to and then discover a more dangerous situation.
What gets to me, is the Mom sought you out before the son ever even got there. And the way she did it was to tell you very personal problems about herself (that she obviously has no intention of trying to correct) so that you would feel pity and compassion and agree to "take in" her son so she won't have to face up to what is going on in her life! She set this trap up for you and baited it and watched you walk right into it. Of course, you had no way of knowing you were opening the door to a little Monster but now that you do, I would take action and call the authorities. That is what they are there for.......keep us posted. I hope this kid doesn't do any more damage. AJ
I also would call Family Services & or the police. If you think about it, by saying he was going to help Gabe commit suicide, he threatened Gabe. I would keep him away from your house & go as far as talking with the school asking to keep them apart. I would even talk to the bus driver & ask that she keeps them apart. It is a scary situation.
I also think Audrey is right, the mom is not going to dao anything.
If I called Family Services, would I have to be directly involved in their investigation? Right now I wish that this situation would just GO AWAY, but I know that won't happen.
I don't want to have to be directly involved in all of this since they do live right next door. I guess I will have to do whatever it takes to keep my child safe, though.
Here they never give out your name.
In GA, they don't give out the name of the source, however, folks like your neighbors are not exactly ones to "win friends and influence people" the probability is that they will know who called.
Does the schoool know what is going on? You could arrange for a private meeting with the principal to express your concerns, they might report the difficulties, chances are they (the school staff) have probably already seen some introductory behaviors leading to some problems.
Ultimately, it is your choice and your responsibility. It is not going to go away. Apparently wherever the boy was living, things didn't work out and now he has been shipped to his Mother and obviously she doesn't want him either. Unless someone in the family decides to step up to the plate (doesn't sound likely) the situtation is not going to go away. I am not there, so I can't judge your decision.
It is up to you. You have to decide what boundaries you need and what you can live with--my choice would be awkwardness or even anger with my neighbors would be worth the price of knowing that the authorities were involved and I would feel a measure of safety. I might (might) even pursue a restraining order to keep my neighbors away from me and my kids. But that's just me. You have to decide for you.
Audrey
Call the school and speak to the principal and tell her all of this and call child services. This will probably eventually and unfortunately end very badly.
You have to report talk of suicide to the school. Poor kids.
Hope he doesn't kill your kid while he is in this mood...
Katherine, as a healthcare worker I am mandated to report suspected neglect or abuse. I have done so twice and it has been totally anonymous. Once I called and gave my initial information I was never contacted again. As a matter of fact they couldn't have contacted me because they didn't know my name or number...only my relationship to the child.
In light of this new information I would definitely contact Family Services and also the school, giving them the info you have and making sure that they keep this child away from yours. One other thing that really concerns me from your other post is that your children are alone for a brief period in the afternoon. I would change that ASAP and get a teenaged babysitter at the house or an afterschool program for the kids. This kid could harass them, throw rocks at windows, attempt to break-in, set fire, or who knows what else and I would be very concerned about my children being home alone. I would also cut out any interaction between him and your children even with your supervision in light of this new information. Yes, it's horribly awkward to call, but the safety of children is at stake---not only your children, but this poor kid as well.
This morning I went over and spoke to his mother. I know that it is the opinion of many of you that it won't do any good. I just feel like I should try it before I go to more drastic measures.
She was very receptive to what I was saying and she said to me that she thinks that he needs to go to counseling. Apparently, wherever he lived before he came to live with her was a very bad environment.
I told her that I agree that he needs counseling and that I would prefer that he not come over to our house anymore.
Hopefully she will get him into counseling like she said. He is not allowed at our home anymore, ever. Also, my neighbor on the other side of us is home and also her teenage grandson, and she keeps an eye out for anything strange going on around our street for me.
She watches them get off the bus and go into the house. She also knows that they are not allowed to go outside until we get home and will call me if anything unusual goes on.
I hope that she will get him counseling.
GOOD GIRL KATHERINE!!!
I know how hard that must have been for you, I could tell by reading your posts that you really wanted to get involved but you were hesitant about a confrontation. I am so very proud of you! I am glad you told the Mom that the boy is forbidden from your home. You did the right thing. You protected your kids and asked the significant person in this boy's life to get him help. You have done all you can do and you protected your kids. Bravo!
If you'll pardon this from a woman who only knows you on the message board:
I AM SO VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!
(((KATHERINE)))
Good girl.
AJ
Ditto AJ. That little boys needs help and by talking to his mom, you may have been that extra little nudge she needed to get it for him. You're doing a great job, Mom.  ^5 to ya.
I also think you did a great job. I avoid confrontation as much as I can and I would have dreaded talking to his mother but, in protection of our kids, most of us will do whatever necessary. {{{Katherine}}} You did good!
I just hope that she gets him the help he needs. It does make me wonder though if she will. It sounds like she needs help herself!! But I believe that for now, you have done all you can without calling protective services or the police.
Thanks for all the praise, everyone.
Today when I got home from work the kid came over and knocked on the door. I went outside to talk to him. He started to cry before he could even speak. His mom made him come over to apologize, and that he promised to never do it again.
I asked him if he really wanted to commit suicide and he said no. I asked him why he said it then. He said, "sometimes I say thinks before I think". I told him that that was a pretty serious thing to fly out of his mouth without thinking. I told him to open up to his mom and tell her how he is really feeling.
I think that he thought an apology was going to make everything alright, but I told him that I was not happy with his behaviour and that I accepted his apology, but that he is still not allowed to come over and play and sent him on his way.
Good job!
Every kid I've ever banned due to their behavior showed back up in tears. One mom told me she was hoping her then 5-year-old sailor mouthed daughter would gain re-admittance to my house with the tears and the apology. I didn't do it.
I had another mom come to me and ask How Long was it going to be before her son could play with my son. I said, No time soon. It's been 16 months and I think she got the message the answer is never.
I think the parents were more upset than the kids because they lost their free baby-sitter.
Hopefully, you won't have to deal with this family anymore.
I am not strong when it comes to crying kids.
I am very proud that you held your ground.
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