regarding a 4 year old sitting at the table for dinner?

Eliah sat at the table with us when he was in his high chair....then at the table for very short periods of time after that....

We generally just give him a bowl of food and let him eat as he wants...(before I had Kiko I could get him to eat all his food in between playing-now I am so busy that I just give him the food and he eats very little)...

Now Dh wants him to sit at the table until he is done. We have spent up to an hour with him just sitting there crying and screaming because he wants to go play. I hate it. I now dread supper because I know it will be a big stressful scene.

Dh says that eventually he will learn that he has to stay and he will eat.

I feel that it will make him (and us)hate mealtimes and feel stressed...

What do you all do? How long should a 4 year old be able to sit still?

I would like to make a rule where maybe he sits as long as we are all still sitting(if he isn't done eating). Then, I don't mind feeding him as he is playing for whatever is left...

By Pamt on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 12:56 pm:

Our kids have essentially been with us at mealtimes since birth. As infants they were usually in the swing or bouncy seat, then in the highchair when they could sit up. I would feed them baby food first and then they would sit and play with toys in the highchair until they were old enough to eat finger foods. Even at about 6-8 months they probably had cheerios during meal times. After progressing from the highchair to the booster seat, they ate what we did when we did and remained at the table throughout the meal. However, it doesn't take us an hour to eat---we're usually done in about 30 minutes. Occasionally they may asked to be excused after they have eaten even if we aren't finished, but this is usually only in the case of adult compnay when we are talking alot and meals take longer and the conversation is very adult-like.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your son to sit at the table while everyone eats, but an hour is a bit long, esp. if he has finished way before then. I agree too that you don't want mealtime to become stressful. It should be a great family time for everyone to share about their day.

By Tonya on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 01:03 pm:

I say by 4 they should be eating at the table with the family and sitting until it is all gone. They have to learn to get ready for lunch time at school and they have to know right from wrong when it comes to meal time. We shut the TV off and allow no toys until dinner is done. Good luck your husband is right he will learn soon and not give you issues.

By Audreyj on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 01:03 pm:

Well, I don't know if this will help or not because your goal seems to be a "family table" and we don't do that but here goes:

I fix dinner for my kids (4 and 7) at 5PM. Around 5:50-6:00 they come into the "kid's table" a small table in the kitchen and I serve them dinner. I turn the TV off and we have some music, I try to keep it slow music, light jazz or something and the kids eat while I load the dishwasher and we talk about their day, good table manners, etc. spills and accidents are easily dealt with because they are on the kitchen floor rather than the dining room!

My DH often works late and isn't home until 7:00, so the kid's take their bath after supper and then, when DH comes home, he serves them "dessert" (usually applesauce) and he visits with them while I take my shower. Then, at 7:30 the children are allowed to lay down and have some "TV Time" and DH and I eat our supper and hear about each other's day.

We tried the "family table" but with DH often working late (so dinner is late) and the kids learning table manners and discussions over what should and should not go on at the table, it turned into a mess every night. DH and I decided that it is just not worth it. So, we worked out a way that we both get to spend some time with the kids at the end of the day and then the kids go to bed and we have our meal in peace.

I know this probably is not the solution you are looking for--but it works for us. AJ

By Beth on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 01:33 pm:

The only thing I have to add is that I would certainly start this young if I had it to do over again. I work second and dh works first so most nights I am not here to do the meal time. So needless to say my dk's act like they don't know what they are doing at meal time. My ds is 6 and dd is 3 and I thought to myself just the other day. We should have established a better routine when they were young and it would or should be easier know. My ds about died the other day when we asked to him to actually stay, and talk at the table like a real family!!! Dh tries but this is just one more reason I wish I was home. I think that its important but you and dh should be able to come to some compromise. Maybe a time limit that he has to sit there with you. Then he can get up but has to eat his food before he gets a snack or something.

By Conni on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 02:04 pm:

We always have a sit down family dinner together at the end of each day. As someone else mentioned above we have also done this since they were infants.

If the boys are done eating they dont have to sit at the table until everyone is finished--they just have to clean off their place at the table before they leave the kitchen. However, they all usually eat *very* well.

Our main thing is that no one can start eating desert until *everyone* is finished eating dinner.

As for our 4 yo-- he goes thru spurts where he eats alot and then spurts where he doesnt eat enough too fill up a bird. In this case he does have to sit at the table for a little bit and chat with us while we eat. As his brothers or I finish dinner he can then leave the table. The big thing is, ***when he does not finish his dinner he does not get dessert***. He has never sat at the table for an hour. He didnt want to finish dinner last night and he didnt get any frozen yogurt. No big deal... He didnt starve before breakfast or anything.

Good luck!! Hope this helps in some way.

By Boxzgrl on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 02:13 pm:

I never thought about inforcing that rule until DD was school aged (5-6 years old). Not that the time is coming soon for me though. An hour does seem a bit long. Maybe durng breakfast or lunch you could make food a fun game and interact yourself with his eating that way when dinner comes, the whole family can all interact and making eating sound fun. My SIL who is only 6 now but was about 4 at that age told me one day that she didnt like to eat because it was a punishment and daddy was going to get mad. She would try to avoid going to the table and even acknowledging food what so ever because when her dad got mad that she didnt eat she thought dinner time was punishment time.

HTH

By Mommyathome on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 02:36 pm:

My kids are 6, 5 and 2.
We require family dinners. Our 2.5 year old has been eating at the table with us for about 6 months. Before that he was in his highchair right next to the table.
Everyone is required to use table manners, eat until they are satisfied, and ask to be excused when done. They must also scrape their own plates and put them in the dishwasher along with any silverware and glasses.
My oldest DD (6) is in charge of putting away all the refridgerated items that are on the table. Youngest DD (just turned 5) is in charge of using a paper towel to get any stray food, spills etc., off the table. DS (2) is in charge of putting the centerpiece back on the table.
We run a tight ship when it comes to dinner time
But, it's great to spend that family time together. And, we can take our kids to eat virtually anywhere and they know how to behave. That is our reward!

By Tink on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 02:58 pm:

We also expect our children to sit at the table at dinner time. They haven't really known any differently so it isn't much of a problem. I allow them to be excused when they are done eating as long as they have eaten a reasonable amount and they are required to clear their places. My 3yo has been doing this since she could reach the sink. I think it is good to have a time when the whole family sits together and talks about their day. My kids are learning the ideas of conversation topics, taking turns while talking, proper table manners, and the respect that goes along with adults having conversations that don't completely revolve around the children, although we certainly include them for the majority of the conversation. This will be a huge adjustment for Eliah so it may help to expect him to sit for 5-10 minutes the first week, 15 minutes the second, 20 minutes the third, and the entire dinner after that. Good luck! It won't be easy but dinner time is a great time to connect as a family in our house.

By Vicki on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 03:25 pm:

We have always done dinner at the table together too. Is the problem that he isn't really hungry at dinner time?? Maybe watch how many afternoon snacks he has. If he is good and hungry, he should be able to sit down and eat dinner with out problems. What I started doing was if dd said she was full,and we didn't feel she ate enough, that was fine, but she didn't get any ice cream or anything that night for snack time. If she didn't eat a good dinner, she either got an apple or other fruit, or if she did really bad at dinner, I would cover her plate and put it in the fridge and she had to have that for snack time. I don't think it is asking too much for a 4 year old to be able to eat dinner at the table in a reasonable amount of time. Of course, this hasn't happened at your home, so like any habit, your going to have to be strict to the new rules and it will take time! Don't bend even once or you'll have to start all over! LOL He will get it and before you know it, everything will be fine!

By Colette on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 04:41 pm:

We do not do the family dinner thing. The kids are up early and have an early lunch at school. Dh typically isn't home before 7p and the kids also have activities during the week so we don't have dinner together during the week. We do eat together Sat and Sundays - usually anyways or if dh is making something for him and I the kids usually help, but they typically have already eaten dinner. Dh loves to cook and he loves to experiment while cooking, so we usually eat something TOTALLY different than the kids. Plus my oldest is a vegetarian, so that always figures into my meal planning for the kids. So the kids eat around 5p, I cook that, then when dh comes home, they have dessert or help dad while he cooks for him and I. We are still all together in the kitchen, but it's a very relaxed social situation - no complaining about the food because they aren't eating it (unless they want to try it).

By Unschoolmom on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 04:58 pm:

We don't do family meals either. The table is covered with toys, fruit bowls, etc and is generally only cleaned off for a serious plasticine or painting session.
But about your DH; If you found out that your daycare provider was making your son sit at a table for an hour at a time until he was so tired and upset that he broke down and cried, wouldn't you be furious? Wouldn't your husband? I'd be tempted to refuse to eat my meals with DH or make the kids do it since he insists on making it such an awful experience. But I'm snarky that way.

By Coopaveryben on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 08:26 pm:

Wow, there is a lot on this subject. But I just want to add, there has been SO many studies lately showing the benefits of a family table.

We sit down as a family every night for dinner and any other time we can. As far as a 4 year old I would expect him to sit until he is done eating. However, I would not expect him to sit until everyone is done. We expect ours to wait until everyone is sitting and say blessing..then they may eat and ask to be excused. Spend the time really talking to him and that may help him to really enjoy it. We had some of our best conversations around the dinner table.

By Fionadeassis on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 09:58 pm:

I think I didn't totally explain myself well..... it only takes us 30 min. to eat....it took Eliah about an hour to finish HIS food.

If a daycare provider did it to Eliah I would FREAK!!!-I never thought about it that way unschol mom. Me and Dh are not on the same page obviously-but I can see what he is trying for.

Tink-I like your idea of starting with shorter intervals......I think I will approach Dh with that idea

We (me ,Dh,and Henrietta our Lady with Downs syndrome) eat every night at 5:30. It was always so pleasant(until Dh's new rules)......

I just want my family to enjoy eating together. I don't want it to be a stressful horrible punishment time.

thanks everyone! I know that Dh is just worried that Eliah will never eat properly or ever sit at a table....I just think he has a bad approach to it...

fiona

By Tink on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 11:11 pm:

Just a suggestion, if you decide to have Eliah sit at the table for short intervals to start with, you might set a digital timer for the length of time you want him there so he can see the numbers counting down. This works wonders with my 3yo. The other option is to put 5 items on the table (we use large legos) and remove one for each minute he sits. He can leave when all the legos are off the table. You can change the time frame to 2 minutes, then three minutes. Most kids won't notice that time is longer between removing the next lego but it is very visual and easy for them to understand. HTH

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, September 18, 2004 - 12:33 am:

I would hate eating under those circumstances. Although, we never had that much trouble with our kids eating, either. My kids either ate like pigs, or barely ate anything at all when they were that age. Sometimes, my kids(12 and 15), don't like to stay at the table after they are done eating.

I would just let him eat what he wants to eat and then just let him play. If he is hungry, he can nibble stuff later. Making him sit there isn't going to make him eat more food when he doesn't want to.