Help! My First grader is driving me crazy!
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
Help! My First grader is driving me crazy!
I am in need of venting. My son is in first grade and is doing much better in school this year, compared to last year. (some of you might remember our problems from last year) Our problem right now is not with school, but with his behavior at home. He has been very sassy, fusses over doing things like getting dressed and brushing teeth, just to name a few. Today I went to his school to have lunch with him (he asked me to go). I was looking forward to eating with him and to finding out how it all works. He has not been eating his lunches, so I wanted to see what goes on during lunch. I got there and he immediatly ran outside to eat. While we were outside he ate three bites of food and proceeded to run around playing between each bite. I told him that his sister and I were going to go inside to eat, but he refused to come. Finally, he came in and said he was going out on the playground. I explained that we came to eat with him, but he turned and left anyway. I was hurt and embarrassed that he ignored us. I understand that friends are becoming important, but it really hurt my feelings.
After seeing how he is noting eating when sitting outside, I told him that he will have to sit inside at a table from now on (he was trying to eat while standing at a brick wall). I also told him after school that he could not have a snack today because he didn't eat his lunch. At this very moment he is yelling at me about how hungry he is. I told him he will have to wait until dinner and how sorry I was for him that he didn't eat enough at lunch. It is so hard to follow through! I know that so much of this is normal behavior, but I need words of encouragement at this moment so I don't go crazy! Any great ideas for getting him moving without a fight in the morning? We have tried sticker charts, allowance, tough love (go to school in pjs if your not dressed)... I just hate the fight everyday! Any ideas for getting him to eat his lunch? I pack things he loves, but he is in such a hurry to go play. Thank you for taking the time to read this long vent. Amy
Well, first of all I can not believe that the school allows the kids to go out and eat! That seems a contradiction in terms to me. Of course, he isn't interested in lunch.
As far as "boys will be boys" I am raising girls but we are in luck because I am having a "whiny day" about public school anyway and so I called my Aunt, who is my Mentor and talked with her. One of the subjects that came up was lunch and children's inability to eat lunch at school. She has custody of a hyperactive (diagnosed) grandson who is 8 and doesn't eat his lunch, either.
First of all, she stopped buying school lunches and breakfasts because she said it was a waste of money. He didn't eat them and they wound up in the trash. Next, she took that money and bought INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED (yes, she spent extra money for the little already wrapped/bagged goldfish, crackers, applesauces, etc.) and she packs his Spider man lunch box (kids' gotta be "cool") with individually wrapped stuff, that way if the kid doesn't eat it, it doesn't go to waste. One rule, if he opens the package, he has to eat it. So, if he comes home with already packaged food it doesn't go to waste. Now, she takes the food out of the lunchbox and puts in on the "snack table". Snack time is about half an hour. If he hasn't eaten anything in 30 minutes, back into the box it goes. Then he has supper later in the evening. It seems to work for her and she doesn't go crazy worrying and wondering if he ate or just threw his lunch away. Also, she packs his thermos with ice and adds bottled water, that way if he does not drink it, it is just water and if he does it is good for him, anyway. I just went out and bought a Barbie lunch box (with thermos) and individually wrapped stuff for my daughter's lunch. Really....I just put groceries away and checked the board. So, I am gonna try it.
My Aunt also talks about "currency", (long before Dr. Phil) and she disciplines with something important to the child. I know, for a fact, that she went around her house and unplugged all the TVs and the computer (except the one in her bedroom) for one week and the grandson went without TV and computer for a week because he "took a tone" with her. I also know that once (only once) she stripped his room. A little girl at school had been bugging him and bugging him and bugging him ( like kids will do ) and my aunt told him he could bug her back but he could not, could not, hit her. Well, one day the little girl went too far and called him an ugly name and he hit her in the stomach. Eventhough both children were disciplined by the school and the teacher and the principal both told my Aunt that the little girl had been "asking for it" my Aunt's point of view was that she told him not to hit the little girl and he hit her anyway and his room was stripped. And, then he had to do extra chores for a week to earn back his "stuff"! Now, I thought she was kinda tough on him but he has not hit anyone since. Just some experience from my Mentor. I know how you feel I vented today too. Today has been rough for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. AJ
I want your aunt to be my mentor, too. LOL
Ask her what she would do about a 13 year dd that has perfected the "eye roll"! LOL Ignore it, probably but I can't!
Amy, it sounds to me that your son has lunch at a playground everyday. As we all know, when we take the kids to McD's with a playground, they want to take a bite and play. Usually taking home their food to eat on the way home in the car. That's natural. Except at school where when lunch period is over, it's over.
I would tell the teacher NOT to let him outside for recess until his lunch is pretty well eaten.
Jeez, in my dks' lunchroom they have a huge traffic light. It is on green. If the talking gets too loud, it goes to yellow, then to red. Then no talking at all. As a parent I hate this because this and recess (mandatory for the first time this year!!) is the only time for the kids to have down time. Also, if I am there visiting my child for lunch I want to talk with her/him and their friends. The teacher on lunchroom duty have a remote so they can change the color, it's not a sensor thing, which I thought it was. Which the kids think it is.
Anyway, sorry to side track. I haven't had very much adult interaction today and am being talkative on the board.
My ideas for lunch are to offer his lunch to him for his snack if it is a bagged lunch. This is what we do with my ds because he doesn't eat much of his lunch. I pack things I know he likes and he can have one of those things for his snack. Or you can do a sticker chart for each day that he does eat his lunch and reward him at the end of the week, month, whatever is appropriate.
I made a *Good Morning Book* for my dks. I took a small photo album and inserted 4x6 index cards that I had titled with each step of their morning routine and an icon for my pre-readers. I like the photo album because they turn a page after each step so I don't have to hear that they forgot or lost their place. Ours goes: Get up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, put pjs in the hamper, brush hair, pick up 10 toys, put backpack by the door. If all of those things are done, they can watch tv (usually about 15 minutes) before they leave for school. If they aren't all done in time, they owe me the toy of my choice until they have a good morning. We have been doing this for a while now and they had gotten a bit "hard of hearing" when it came to requests from dh and I so we took a tough line and sat the two oldest down and said that we would tell them one time what we wanted them to do and after that we would take a toy away for each time we had to ask. At first we would preface our requests with " I'm only going to ask you this once". It has made a huge difference in the response we get from them. It helped both of them see that they were responsible for doing what they were told when they were told. And it means a lot less nagging by me! Of course, it took a couple of weeks for the whining and pouting to stop when we would take away a toy but I figured that we were yelling, whining, pouting, and arguing anyways so why not try to see if this would change it. it certainly wasn't working the old way! Good luck!
I can't believe they have a choice of where to eat! What kid is going to pick lunch over playing?
Hang in there, my 1st grader can be the same way. We are going through the same problems with him, I always try to remind myself that it only gets worse if I don't stick it out now.
Every morning we go through this same scene with getting dressed, he throws a tantrum. I finally found what works for him. He has been dying to ride the bus. I told him if he gets dressed without complaining, brushes his teeth, and doesn't complain about the way I brush his hair all week then he can ride the bus on Monday mornings. This has really worked for him. I'm sure your son has something....it's just a matter of finding out what that is.
We have also had the problem with back talking....that is one I can't tolerate. If we allow them to speak to us in this way now, what happens when they get to be teenagers!!! I believe it is also important for them to show respect to others and that really starts at home. I send mine to his room immediately and yes I do spank him for it (everyone has their own position on spanking but for my very strong willed child this is what works, he needs an immediate consequences to his actions or he won't stop the inappropriate behavior we also give him a long term consequence..loss of TV, Loss of playing with neigbors, etc.) I once read that you should always discipline for the 3 d's- dis-respect, dis-obediance, and dis-honesty, it made sense to me and this is what I try my best to follow.
With the lunches, we pack my sons lunch...he doesn't seem to eat it at school but he chows down on it on the way home.
Hang in there, my mom once told me if you threaten to kill them and they don't listen you better be prepared to kill them.....of course this doesn't mean kill your kids but don't make threats you won't follow through with and make sure you are ready to follow through with whatever threats you make. Discipline is the hardest part of parenting, wouldn't it be fun if we didn't have to worry about it! I also try to remind myself that I discipline him because I want him to be liked by his peers he'll need to show appropriate behavior for that and to function in society not just now but 20 years from now and if I don't follow through I have really cheated him out of great life.
Sorry for the ramble....
Thank you all for the encouragment! It is so good to hear that others are or have gone through this! I like the idea of letting him eat his leftover lunch for snack. That seems fair and less harsh than nothing until dinner. I have told him that he is not allowed to eat lunch outside from now on and that he is to sit at a table in the lunch room. The volunteer who is there on Mon, Wed, and Fri. also knows this. I plan on "dropping off papers" maybe on Tuesday just to see where he is. I also think some of the difficulty right now comes from his exhaustion. A 7 1/2 hour school day is hard for a six year old. He is very active and I know he loves the recess time so that he can move and not have to hold it together so much. He is really doing very, very well in class this year. Last year I was getting negative reports all the time. So far this year, he seems to be working really hard to listen and hold it together. I am very thankful for that. It is also nice not to be in the class with the boys and moms that were a problem last year. Thanks again for the suggestions. I am open to anyother words of wisdom that are out there!
Golly, there is so much to read on this post!
I just wanted to mention that at my son's school, there are 2 staff members who supervise the kids while they eat at tables in the gym. They DO NOT get up to go outside until the staff member excuses them! She will also try to get them to eat if she feels they have not eaten a reasonable amount of food.
Secondly, boys are naturally more active than girls, and boys will be the ones like, at McD's, that want to take a bite or two and go play. But I would hate for a child to choke on food that is still in his mouth while he is playing/running/jumping. I and dh have worked with our son at home to get him to sit still at the table and eat calmly, and not get up until his food is chewed and swallowed.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your son is getting much supervision at his school.
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