I am SO angry!! (vent)
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
I am SO angry!! (vent)
My 3 year old is on my LAST nerve! He is so disrespectful, he never listens to what I tell him to do or not to do. My blood pressure must be sky high right now. No amount of talking to, sternly talking to, yelling, time outs or even spanking has taught him how to be good! I can't take it any more!
Right now i am so angry because I just signed up for a Sears card, and someone from Sears called. I was talking to her and he kept saying "Cookie, I want a cookie" and was folowing me around as I walked away from him. So i just gave him a cookie to make him quiet. Then he kept crying and following me and pulling on my clothes etc. etc. All the while I was trying to hear this woman. I told her just to send me the info. on whatever she was talking about. I think i just agreed to sign up for something. I have no idea. I will just cancel whatever it is when i get the info in the mail. As soon as i hung up the phone i was so ticked that i spanked his butt and dragged him to his room and shut the door. I just needed to calm down, and so does he. He is still in his room screaming, but honestly I don't care right now.
Thanks for letting me vent. And please don't think I'm a horrible mother, just at my wits end...and a bit PMS-y
https://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/Product.aspx?Template=BookAudio&PID=Magic&cat=2
Love and Logic worked wonders for us! 
We started having problems with my ds, age 6, being disrespectful and not listening. He is a little older then your ds, so I'm not sure if the same approach would work for your ds, but this is what we are doing. If my ds is talking back or not listening, I take away a quarter from his piggy bank. I sat down before we started it and told him exactly what was expected of him. I told him that I would take a quarter away every time he talked back or didn't do what he was told. The first few days he lost a lot of quarters. He would also argue if I told him to go get a quarter out. I would just keep adding a quarter until he did. It only took a few days and his behavior stopped. I did give him the chance to earn his quarters back. Every time he did what I asked the first time, he got one back. I started this a few months ago and I haven't had any problems since. If he starts it up again, I just say "quarter" and he stops.
I also do the Love and Logic energy drain. If my ds's start fighting. I have an energy drain. When I have an energy drain, they have to do chores or something for me to put my energy back. Now, as soon as I say energy drain, they start running. I agree with Melanie that the Love and Logic book are really great. They suggest giving choices when you can. That way, when you really need your dks to do something they will. I have found this really works great with my 4 yr. old. It may seem silly to us, but letting them pick the color of the cup they drink out of, etc is a big deal to them and gives them a feeling of control.
Try not to feel like a bad parent. I don't know why they call it the terrible 2's. I think age 3 and 4 are the hardest. I think you just need to try some different approaches and see what works with your ds.
I have a 3yo dd and she is the same way! She cries over everything and it is totally put on. I know she is using it to manipulate me because if I say to use her big girl words, she pokers up immediately and can speak in a normal tone of voice. Right now she is crying because she wanted another kiss from my ds before he left for school. The problem is he left 10 minutes ago. She has also cried because she couldn't have a cookie at 7:30 this morning...and because I couldn't give her a drink of milk while I was in the shower...and because she got water on her shirt while brushing her teeth and I told her it would dry instead of changing her shirt. She didn't go through the terrible twos and I think she is making up for it now. I don't understand the problems that develop as soon as I pick up the phone, she does the same thing as your ds. I think they want to see if they are more important to us than the person on the phone so they are competing for our attention. I don't think it would do any good for me to take money away from my daughter because she has no idea about the power of money. I have thought about doing something similar with her toys but I want her to be able to earn them back and I am not sure how to implement. Any ideas?
I really don't have any ideas on what will help. I wanted you to know you aren't alone...and I guess I needed to vent too. Sorry for going on and on.
Thanks Tink, i'm glad to hear your dd is the same way...not glad for us though! My ds cries about everything lately too.
This morning i did threaten that if he acted this way again, i would take away his G.I. Joe or his favorite stuffed animal, he didn't like that idea at all.
No, the money thing wouldn't work for him. He has no idea of the concept of money.
I will check out the Love and Logic link and see what that is all about.
Thanks to everyone who responded.
I just requested the Love and Logic book from the library. I hope that works for my little guy.
Bellajoe, I thought that I had written your message and just didn't remember doing it! It sounds like you are describing my son. Just this morning I was thinking to myself that in my 31 yrs of life I have never talked to my mother the way my 3 yr old talks to me. Nothing and I mean nothing works! I have even taken him to the doctor about his attitude and disrespect. The doctor just said that it's his age. I guess I am just responding to let you know that you are not alone and I certainly hope things get better for all of us. I love him so much and I hate to complain about him, because he and his brother are my whole life, but I feel like I am all alone in this because my family (because of the way my son acts) will not even watch him for me, even for me to run to the store. Ok I will quit whining now and move on......
There are tons of approches to take w/ a child. Remeber he is still 100% egocentric right now. Whatever you choose for behavior modification just be consistent and on the same page as your dh
Good Luck
Kym is right, one of the most important thing is to be consistant.
Its also important to physically go down to his level. If he does something disrespectful kneel down hold his shoulders firm but gently look him in eyes and say in a strong firm serious voice ' i do not like that behaviour, when you do......it is not nice'
He is testing boundraies and is egocentric(he cant help that) a lot of three year olds go through this so its important he knows now whos boss. Always explain to him What it is u do not like hes done and why in simple terms.
I know u were real mad after your phonecall but smacking him after it was not effective(i am being objective here its nothing personal honestly)basically he whined and annoyed u he got a cookie, in his mind he thinks if i do this i'll get attention and my way, then after he annoys you more after the call he gets a smack, put in his room and screams. He does not know why. He is not thinking on your level. He may feel angry and confused and sad because he got in trouble.
Its easier to see things in hindsight or from a distance. Also if u count to ten deeply breathing before u talk to him u will be more composed calm and in control.
A good discipline method is the 'naughty stairs or chair' its not easy at first but basically this is how it works:
1st time he does something disrespectful etc. you go down to his level as i said before, tell him what hes done wrong and that u do not like it THEN u tell him if he does not stop he will go sit on the naughty stair/chair (this should be away from everyone and boring)This is his first warning
If he repeats behaviour u once again go to his level tell him what he did, you do not like it and he did not stop after warning so he now has to sit
on naughty stair, put him there if neccessary, if he moves put him back and tell him to go back. Tell him when he decides to behve nice he can come say sorry and behave nice.
It takes a couple days but then works, sounds complicated but just follow it through and hopefully it will help.
Its important if hes on 'stair time' u dont have cinversation with him or if he goes to u u put him back with minimal words.
Please try this out anybody, its good for this age where they need things explained clearly (it may seem silly how much and clearly u have to but their minds are thinking different to an older child or ours)
Good Luck
Ps Praise good behaviour really well
That sounds easy enough, but you don't know my ds. He is very very stubborn (like his father). He is in his own little world and he is the only one in it that matters to him. The naughty stair, or in my house it's the trouble chair, does not work. He sits there, decides to behave, and then 5 minutes later is back to his old ways. NO amount in the trouble chair is going to change him.
He really just has me worn out right now.
Thanks for trying to help.
Don't get me wrong, he is not always a little nightmare. A lot of the time he is the sweetest, loving, cuddley little guy. But then there are the times where you just want to scream!
Patti, I don't know if this will work, but it worked for a friend of mine. Her ds would get really upset and worked up about things. She and her ds together made a "quiet" area for him. They used a bean bag and he put some of his favorite books and stuffed animals there. Whenever he started acting out, she would have him go to his quiet area. It was still a fun place to go, but it was a place for him to calm down and it gave her time to calm down too. Maybe this is something you can try.
I really like Joshuasmom's advice. Especially about getting down to his level, and the stairs. I have seen this work, even with tough cases. When you reprimand him, you have to get right in his face, maybe even have him against a wall with your hands firmly on his shoulders and your face in his face. Then you firmly say something simple like, “Do not talk back to me, ever. Do you understand?” You don't want to scream, because he will learn to ignore you. On the other hand, the ones who drive me crazy are the moms at the park who go, "Sweety, you really shouldn't throw sand in the other kids faces, okay Honey?" My sister used to tell me, “Their bottom lip should quiver. That’s when you know your message got across.” You are the mom. You are in charge.
As far as the stair idea goes, I think it’s a good one, even though you say it won’t work. You just have to find the thing that will work for your son. If it’s not the stairs, then how about the laundry room, bathroom, or even a corner with his nose against the wall. This finally worked for my son when he wouldn’t eat his dinner. He stood in the corner with his nose against the wall for 45 minutes. I kept asking, Are you ready to eat now (all he had to do was have 3 bites or something)? and the stubborn little guy kept saying No. Finally, he said Okay and I kindly said, Okay, come on, let’s eat. It really changed the dynamic between us when I finally found the thing that got to him. Something so boring he couldn’t stand it. Use your imagination. What will get to your son? If he goes back to his old behavior, it’s woosh back to the corner. He should not even know what happened to him it happens so fast. No comments, just sweep him to wherever it is you’ve decided. You must do it quickly, and do it over and over. Do it ten times in row if you have to. But it has to be very unpleasant for him, so he will want to avoid it (not cruel though, of course, just very boring).
I think you might be surprised if you stick it out that it will work. If 5 minutes after he is out of the chair he is acting up again, he goes right back to the chair!! Even if he spends most of the day in the chair the first day!! If you do it EVERY time without fail, it will work. You just have to commit to it. Consistancy is the only thing that does work.
Debbie and Irene,
Thank you both for your ideas. I will try them both. I like the "quiet area" idea. I wonder if that will work for him. He does get very worked up to the point where he just needs to leave the room and calm down. This usually happens when he is upset with his sister, even though she didn't do anything to upset him really.
I will try the stairs or chair or whereever will be most boring to him. I feel like i will have to duct tape him to the chair or wall or something, or just sit on him LOL! I know he won't stay where i tell hiim to stay. But i will just have to suck it up, not get angry and just make him stay there till he decides to be good or to calm down or whatever the situation may be.
Thanks again
Believe me, there is no mom that knows the in and outs of time-out and the need for consistency like the mom of a child with autism. One word of caution...Choose the behavior that you want to get rid of the most. If Joe is like my Bella, there are plenty of behaviors to choose from. Then do time-out or naughty chairs/stairs for that one problem until it seems to be under control. Otherwise, he's going to feel like everything he does is bad and there's no point in trying to behave. My Bella does the same thing as Joe, where she will go to time-out without a problem, be truly sorry and decide to behave, and be doing the same thing in just a few minutes. I also totally understand being the sweetest thing when he's not driving you to crazytown. We joke that the nursery rhyme about the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead had Bella in mind. "When she was good she was very very good and when she was bad, she was horrid!" Of course, we don't say that when she can hear, but it feels so true.
When my oldest was 2 and 3 I used to try the chair with my son and he would rear up and say no...so I would have to drag him Kicking and screaming...he would get up and run, I would sit him back down and he would try to kick me, I would then put him in his room and shut the door...he would run out screaming and calling me names. Some kids are more defiant than others and the more "peaceful" approaches don't always work, we got him under control with a lot of HARD FRUSTRATING Work. We ended up having to spank him because I could not allow him to try to kick me or call me names, he needed an immediate consequence to his actions, he would then go sit in his room and if he came out he would get a spanking. I hate spanking but to be honest it was truly the only thing that worked with him, we read and tried everything consistently and just didn't work for him.
Now my middle is going through the crying thing. I would never spank him because he doesn't have the same temperment. I send him to his room anytime he cries and tell him he can't come out until he is done crying, if we aren't at home I make him sit in a chair until he is done (he stays in his chair and room without me having to make him) and we completely ignore him until he is done. There are days he will cry for what seems like ALL day. But it is certainly getting better because he knows I am not going to listen. I know some people who put them in a crib or high chair until they are done crying. When you are on the phone ask the person to hold on (not always easy) and send him or take him to his room and shut the door.
Anyway my point on both of these long rambles is that you just have to find what is going to work for him but I have found the best thing is to deal with the behavior as soon as it starts (no matter what you are doing)...before you get frustrated and have a "game plan" in mind for when it happens again so that you will be more likely to deal with it in a way that leaves you feeling you handled it well.
I've been there and I am there with you now...good luck!
Thanks Coopaveryben. Your oldest sounds a lot like my Joey. So you know that putting him on the stairs, while it may work for some, won't work for my Joey.
Some kids realize they have upset mom and feel badly immediately. Like my dd. Others LAUGH when you are yelling at them, like my ds.
My ds woke up last night and wanted something. I can't remember what. But it was the middle of the night and he wanted me to do something for him and i told him he needed to go to his room. Now, a temper tatrum is one thing. But a temper tantrum at 3 a.m. is a much much worse! especially for me anyway. I let my dh handle him. I guess they had a little talk about how to act and how to get his feelings out without kicking and getting so darn upset. I'm not sure what dh said.
This morning once we were awake my ds got upset about something and I could tell he was trying to react in a better way. I asked him "what are you doing" and he told me "I'm trying to get my feelings out" or something like that. It was just cute, the way he said it. So who knows, maybe he is learning already.
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