Really needs help now. My stepdaughter was kinda flirting with my daughter's boyfriend in front of her. Me and my husband and my daughter talked to her about it and she said she would never do anything with him and also said she didn't even like him. 2 weeks later we find out from other people that the two of them have been seeing each other the whole time and having sex. My stepdaughter lied again to myself, my daughter, and her dad. She said she did not do anything and made a big fit about how we never believe her. My husband yelled at me for 3 days because of this and his daughter went to stay with her mom and said she was never coming back to our house. I called the boys parents and confirmed that they have been seeing each other. Now my husband believes me but says he cannot do anything about it because she is at her moms house. We just bought her a car for her 16th birthday and are getting ready to put $250 into it before she gets it in 2 weeks. My husband said that we bought my daughter a car when she was 16, so we are not using the car againt as punishment. Now come to find out that her mother and his older kids knew about what she was doing the whole time and said it was O.K. My daughter is really hurting and so am I. What do I do?

By Rayanne on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 12:55 pm:

I honestly don't know what you should do except to be there for your daughter. I cannot believe that her stepsister would do that to her. That is just awful!!!!!!!!! I am sorry that this happened and I hope that someone has some good advice for you.

By Truestori on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 02:48 pm:

I think a heart to heart talk with your daughter is in force. I would explain to her this is the reason we as parents don't want our kids engaging in sex. It is too complicated & intimate. Some boys will use you just for that, and it makes everyone around confused and hurt.
This is a great oppurtunity to teach a few great lessons.

As for the step daughter, I would definitly have a talk about her lying. Explain that it all comes out in the end, etc..
How does your husband handle her? It seems that sending her to her moms may be the wrong approach. Now she doesn't have to face him, you or your daughter. She doesn't get to see what her actions have done to the household etc.. And when she gets home she will have a ride to go do as she pleases. That wouldn't fly in my house!!!

By Colette on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 03:07 pm:

What a pig. I'm sorry but what else do you call someone who does that? I can think of a few other choice words but they will be red ***'d out. I would not want her back in my home, but it's your dh's dd so the only other thing you can do is get your daughter out when she is over. Your husbands ex and your other step kids think this is ok? I wouldn't make your daughter have anything to do with people like this because you know she's going to rub it in your dd's face when your not around. And NO she would not get a car and yes it is punishment for being a immature pig.

Hope your dd is ok.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 03:37 pm:

Agree with Stori. Sounds like your stepdaughter has more issues going on than appear on the surface though, to do something like that. Feeling inferior, low self esteem, little self confidence, jealousy are just a few that come to mind.

I know how you and your DD are hurting. My DD had a sort of similar experience several years ago with a boyfriend who slept with her best friend, because my DD wouldn't put out. She lost her best friend and her boyfriend on the same day and was hurt for a LONG time.

Let your DD know you support her and acknowledge her feelings of pain and betrayal. They are REAL. Tell her the pain WILL pass. Unfortunately, this may create a trust issue with her, being that it was her step sister who betrayed her with her boyfriend.

Sounds to me like someone needs to get the step sister under control. I can't believe her mom would condone or encourage what she was doing. This is totally teaching her the wrong things. Another thought that comes to mind is that she WANTED to hurt your DD for some reason - maybe she's just that jealous or something. And - just how promiscuous is she?? She may actually be endangering her own physical health if she's sleeping around.

As for the car, I don't know what to tell you there. I didn't buy my kids' cars - they paid for their own. But I will say this - if I *had*, then I would certainly feel I had the right to withhold their driving privileges as punishment. Even though mine bought their own cars, there were rules in my house which extended to the cars, and they were expected to follow them. Kids need boundaries, and it sounds like this child has been needing some for a while.

As for your DH not being able to do anything because his DD is at her mom's house, he can certainly talk to her and lay down some ground rules, and let her know that she is expected to respect ALL of the other family members, no matter what, and at the very least, an apology is due your DD.

Maybe counseling would benefit her and possibly your DD too.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 08:17 pm:

That is just wrong. Good grief!

By Monicamomof3 on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 08:19 pm:

Sounds like the step daughter needs some daddy time! Maybe getting some good time in with her dad wouldn't hurt. As for your daughter, unfortunately we moms regret situations more that we take the opportunity to learn something from them. What a terrible thing the step-daughter did. But, maybe you can have a good talk with her about how to choose an honest boyfriend. He is just as much in the wrong! I think it is important to train our daughters to begin to choose men that are respectful and honorable...one day they will choose a husband and hopefully they will know how to "pick'em!" I hope all this works out. But, let's not leave the boyfriend totally out of this. WHAT A DISHONEST CHEATER!!!

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 10:36 am:

You cannot give her a car. It is a privilege, not a right...kids forget that these days. What she did was wrong and she knows it. She's just trying to see what she can get away with. What's the punishment then? Your daughter deserves the car she got and maybe your stepdaughter will just have to wait until she's 17. Tell her she'll get a car when she has earned the right. Until then, there is a yellow bus that is for free and maybe she'll meet some nice boys there! It also sounds like her mom is trying to be friends with her daughter...not being a parent. So sad. What's even more sad is that she doesn't have enough self esteem to tell a boy to get lost.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 12:18 pm:

I agree with Heidi, a car is a privilege not a right. If you can not trust her to tell the truth like a responsible person should do. How are you supposed to trust that she is going to be responsible enough to have a car. How is your husband going to feel when she acts unresposible & gets behind the wheel & some gets seriously hurt.
Since when did having sex at 16 become okay? I was a virgin until I met the man I was going to marry. At age 21 I made love for the first time.
I realize that lying & purposely hurting your daughter is a major issue, but her having sex should be the bigger issue.
Why can't he punish her? Has she always been allowed to go back in forth between parents when it gets a little tough at the others house. She sounds like a spoiled brat that has been allowed to get away with anything.
She owes everyone an apology & until she owns up to what she did, shouldn't have a car. She also needs to be punished by BOTH parents.

By Debbiesue on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 03:13 pm:

Thank you all for everything.
My husband is still fixing the car and giving it to her. She is not being punished my her mother or father. My husband says there is nothing he can do because she is at her moms and won't even answer the phone. And they go to the same school, so I am going tomorrow to withdrawl my daughter out of that school and put her on home school. It is so hard for me to be O.K. with my husband doing nothing and I know he is limited but it is tearing our family apart. We have only been married 2 years and all of his kids hate me and my daughter. It hard to believe that his daughter is over at her moms house having fun, while me and my daughter are at home crying. I have been telling me husband about her sneaking out, ditching school, drugs, etc. and he ends up yelling at me and telling me that I am picking on his kids or says there is nothing he can do about it because it happens at her mom's house. I am doing everything in my power not to walk out the door and take my daughter away.

By Insaneusmcwife on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 05:59 pm:

lots of {{{{hugs}}}. This must be extremely hard for you and your dd.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 06:59 pm:

That 16yo sure seems to have all the power here! She is getting off scot-free. It isn't right.

By Melana on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 11:17 pm:

Ok, it wasn't that long ago that I was 16, and I can remember really feeling sorry for girls like your step-daughter. I'm not saying I was a virgin, but I didn't sleep around, and I didn't sleep with any one that even a friend was interested in, let alone my sister(well, she was younger, and had never had a boyfriend before, but I still wouldn't have!) I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink. I agree that she needs therepy, she's acting out on something. She may be trying to get you and your DH to split up. You've encroached(sp?) on her territory, and I'm sure in her eyes you've taken her father away. Family therepy would be great. I also think(no offense intended here) that your DH needs to grow a pair of cahoonas and punish his daughter, stand up to his wife and make her punish the girl too! LOL...take her to the Murry show when he sends out of control teenagers to boot camp, that'll straighten her up. Just a thought, and I'm sooo sorry you're having to deal with this right now.

By Kaye on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 02:55 pm:

Here is just another thought. It is hard when a friend messes with your boyfriend, period, but why is that? It is because you have a relationship of trust, memories, and history. Well your SD and your daughter have none of this. Yes it is hard, but simply because her boyfriend is a BIG loser. I am not saying that your SD did nothing wrong. But if she is truly interested in a boy, even if he is seeing someone else, is she wrong to go after him? The fact that that someone else is your daughter makes it hard. You need to step back from the situation, your daughter got involved with a bad choice, she will get over this, we all have a past. You need to NOT let the family element rule, you have to face that your dd and your step daughter are not friends and probably never will be. Your daughter needs to know that you love her and support her, but she doesn't need you to hate for her, she can do that alone. Her boyfriend made the biggest mistake here. Hate needs to be directed towards him. Now for the SD, chances are she did this maliciously, probably out of jealousy. She probably feels like you have taken her dad from her and she will make you pay in any way she can. Sad, very sad, she needs help. I hope you and dh can quit taking sides against each other and start working together to help both of your children equally. If you want your marriage to work, you have to be a team in all things.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 03:30 pm:

There's nothing he can do? I agree with melana...he nees to excrete some testosterone. Not only is he letting his daughter walk all over him, but his ex-wife as well. What he can do is fix the car and sell it (or keep it)...put the money in a savings account until she has earned the privelege to drive it. Who knows how many guys she will sleep with in that car...and then he will have even more worries than just hurt feelings and betrayal. Once kids have a car, they are even MORE out of parental control. He could potentially have a grandchild to look after because she seems to make rash decisions anyway. It also sounds like she's trying to play the "divorce card"...my parents were divorced and they always tried to "spoil" us to out-do the other...it just seems like they are competing to gain her favor. He's trying to please her by giving her a car and she's trying to please her by not punishing her for what she did. Sounds like they both need to play as a team as well and talk about what she did. What if this happened to her? And...is this dd ready to be a mother?

By Debbiesue on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 12:57 am:

My daughter just gave me a letter that her step sister wrote to her before she left to her mom's house. She said, "how could you accuse me of seeing your boyfriend. I would never do anything to hurt you. We are best friends and sister's forever." This just made my emotions even worse. Why would someone lie to you and then write a letter to make you feel guilty for even questioning them? Also just found out that she has done this to her last 2 best friends also. She also wrote a letter to my husband saying that she was disowning him and she knows where his priorities lye, but to get her car to her mom's house. If this were my child I would not put up with this. Why is my husband? What if her mom calls some day and tells us to take her back and my husband does, I don't want her in this home. I am so confused.

By Feona on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 06:15 am:

How old is the step daughter?

I have been listening to Dr. Brown on am radio. She seems to think step mothers should step back and let the dads handle things. She basically said you can't win with anyone if you try to parent the step child.

She also says to put yourself in the teens shoes. Why did she do it? Pretend you are her. Try to remember when you were her age and had bad judgement too. My parents are divorced - I don't get the attention I want .... Imagine away...

What does your husband think? Maybe you need a break from the step daughter. Can she stay with her mom for a month?
That would punish her for what she did to your daughter. See if your husband agrees.


It is absolutely horrible what she did. I think the whole family needs counseling. Don't let her tear you and your husband apart. That is what she wants. I would completely disconnect from her.

By Karen~moderator on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 07:59 am:

Forget the fact that the guy involved here is a total jerk.

Based on your last last post, I'd have to say your step daughter is looking for Daddy's love and attention and is acting out to get it. And at her age, a mere month of two of counseling won't fix this.

I'd suggest you all get into family counseling immediately, and your DH and stepdaughter do some counseling together.

IMO, she feels like her Dad has been taken away from her. Deep down inside she *wants* to be part of the family, but her insecurities and jealousy and hurt are preventing this, so she's trying to get attention and acceptance and love wherever she can.

Sad situation for sure.

You guys are going to have to do something and take action for the sake of your ENTIRE family. This isn't going to go away on it's own.

By Feona on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 08:18 am:

I would also tell my daughter that this really is the other persons problem and has nothing to do with her.

It is almost like the step daughter is trying to be part of the family by sleeping with your daughters boyfriend. Getting some of the family love she can't or doesn't have... like...

If you think of it. It is very sad. I don't know how anyone is going to forgive her or forget this. Everyone is going to label her for a long time.. She really dug a hole for herself. Of course daddy and mommy love her no matter what.

I really agree with what Karens said.

By Debbiesue on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 12:02 pm:

The step daughter just turned 16 and my daughter just turned 17. I have always gotten along with my step daughter. Me and my husband punish our own children, not each others because it is such a new marriage. We do discuss everything, weather we agree or not, just like we are doing now and it is the same response as it is now. Both daughter's got really close. We have his every other week and mine all the time. His has always hated being out here because it is not in town close to her friends. Lately my daughter was going with her to her mom's house and they were always together.

By Feonad on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 06:20 am:

You said she might have taken three of her friends boyfriends. That is not normal. I think I would puke if I even thought of going out with a girlfriends boyfriend.



Sounds like she has been sexually abused... She really needs therapy. Really way out of normal range of behavior especially for a 16 year old. Imagine the damage she is doing to all her relationships... What a mess!



The real shame of it is that the girls could have been real close for life. Now I don't know you even forgive someone for dating your boyfriend.

I guess since she is so young we can take her word for it that she didn't sleep with the boy.

I mean know one know they had sex. Unless they were in the same room.

I think 16 is too young for a revenge scenerio. If anything, everything was subconcious level.

What is up with the boyfriend though. Low down snake.....

By Kernkate on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 07:54 am:

{{{Debbie}}} As a step mom I can sympathize with you. I have never had this serious of a problem but have had many issues.
Sit down yourself with DH and talk. Explain to him exactly how you feel.
As for this part "She also wrote a letter to my husband saying that she was disowning him and she knows where his priorities lye, but to get her car to her mom's house." Right then and there a letter not a phone call..that would make me so mad and to tell him to get the car to him. Sounds like this SD is a bit controlling. I would be in no rush to give her this car. IMO...There are issues that need to be addressed between everyone.
Hope your DD is ok and really needs to realize that her boyfriend played a part in this to.
Best of luck to you in this really tough situation.

By Debbiesue on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 01:10 pm:

The boys parents and sister told us that they were seeing each other. The boy is 18. His parents apologized to us and said that they did not know she was a minor. I told the boy and his parents that I would go to the police if he did not stay away from both of the girls. Didn't make a difference because he is still seeing my step daughter. Her mother does not see anything wrong with this. Her mother said that we forced her to do it.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 02:45 pm:

The mother actually said this to you? That there's nothing wrong with this? I guess the apple doesn't fall too far...
You will get some sort of progress if you ask questions to DH...not telling him, but asking him...
make him feel like he's in control (even though it's obvious he's not). Ask him what needs to be done and if he feels that she respects him as a father? If he gives her a car will she respect him more? What's more important...her "favor" for a few months because "daddy" gave her a car or teaching her how to respect others, and herself, for a lifetime? She does this because people let her get away with it...plain and simple. I've taught teenagers for many years...wherever you hold the discipline line, they will always try to push it one step further. And, out of all my years teaching...it's AMAZING how much teenagers "act" like they don't know they did anything wrong when in fact they do know. Even the best kids can be disappointing and deceive every now and then. They need boundaries no matter how much you hear them say "leave me alone"...discipline, especially at that age, shows that a parent cares...AND SHE KNOWS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! it just needs to be affirmed by those around her. she'll keep doing it otherwise!
also...being around teens a lot...piece of advice...she will be a MILLION times more out of control if she has a car. Dad needs to get some guts and just say "no"...plain and simple. He doesn't HAVE TO give her anything.

By Mrse on Sunday, August 29, 2004 - 12:44 pm:

I would like to know who are theses people that said the two of them were having sex? are they reliable? The sex part just makes everything worse in this situation. dh is just hoping it will all blow over and go away, he does not have any idea how it is affecting your daughter. It is hard eneough when you are an adult to deal with a situation like this , but when you are a teen, it feels like your whole world is turned up side down. the step daughter played her card with the letter to your daughter. I would be saying to the step daughter that if she was not carrying on with this guy why would she be seeing him now? You would think that she would have nothing to do with him, if she hadn't done before, it would make her case stronger. She wanted to hurt your daughter plain and simple. YOu know it is all said and done now, the only thing you can do is get your daughter to hold her head up high, and say to herself, I deserve someone who is honest, gentle, and truly cares for me. I agree that you should let your husband deal with your step daughter, even though you want to ring her neck. This girl is not worth wrecking your marriage over. IT is to bad she turned out the way she did, but you can not undo the way she is being raised by her mother, that is who her mother is letting her be. If your dh has a problem in the future with her ,I would just say when we discuss -------- we always end up in a fight and hurt each other, so I am going to stay out of it from now on, tell him to go talk to his ex about her. I would not keep talking to your daughter about it, I would just say let it go, forget it get on with your life.I am not so sure I would have pulled my daughter from school, either, it is her school too, and by pulling her I think that that is saying to the step daughter " you won" why should your dd give up her friends and social life ? the step dd took away her boyfriend. It is also a lesson to your dd that you run from your problems. I know you do not want your daughter to be hurt again by the step, but she will have to face her sooner or later, it does not mean that she has to talk to her, just so she stands her ground, because it is not your daughters fault all this happend it is step dd, and your daughter should not be removed from the school when she did nothing wrong. Your dd life has been upset enenough, and by her being home schooled just reminds her all the time what happened, if she was in the school, she will carry on with her friends will not forget about what happened but she will move forward.

By Feona on Monday, August 30, 2004 - 07:59 am:

Why is she being removed from school? She didn't do anything wrong.

By Debbiesue on Monday, August 30, 2004 - 12:37 pm:

My daughter did not want to go there and have her step sister and all her friends throw this in her face everyday. It was totally my daughter's idea not to go there and I am not going to make her. Actually I am going to the local college today. She might be able to graduate right now because she has enough credits required by the state. We have also been talking to the school counselor and he has been helping us. As to who told us they were having sex, it was the boys sister (who caught them in his mom and dads house) and my stepdaughter's mother has pretty much confessed to knowing about it all and says we forced her to do it because we talked to her about the situation before it happened and she has her on birth control but didn't want to tell my husband because he would get upset. Step daughter is now saying that she only had sex once and it was gross, she didn't like it and how does anyone like it. And step daughter is still seeing the boy.

By Emily7 on Monday, August 30, 2004 - 01:00 pm:

Please don't take this the wrong way, but what are you teaching your daughter about dealing with problems if you allow her to stop going to school. This is a horrible situation for her, but certainly not the worst she will face as an adult. She needs to hold her head up high & understand that it does hurt, but she did nothing wrong. The hurt will go away & she should consider herself lucky that she found out what a jerk the boy was.
For your marriages sake the girls need to work this out between themselves. Otherwise it will always be an issue between you & your dh.