I have one dd 3 who seems to be very self confident and will try new things. My oldest ds 6 however is the opposite. He is playing soccer this year because he said that he wanted to. The last two games he cried on the field through half of the game. He said he hates soccer, he can't do it and he's not smart enough ect... If he really just hated sports that would be fine. But saying he can't do it really bothers me. He really does not even try. He does this with school work ect.. also. Of course if it is something he likes like an X-box game he does very well at it. It so hard to tell with him how much of this is just manipulation. I just see this as becoming a pattern with him. He is only in to the second week with 1st grade and he is already asking if he has to go to school. I think that soccer and school are harder for him then most. But how do you help him gain self confidence and try. It breaks my heart when he says someone else is smart and he is not. As for now I am making him stick soccer out. I don't think its fair to the team nor do I want to pay so much money just to have him quit. I have thought about taking away is x-box games if he does not even try. I am not asking for a soccer star but to even stand on the field and not cry at this point would be okay. Do you think this to harsh? I know that I should reward him with something if he does try. Any suggestions would be helpful because I know I am not the only one who has gone through this.

By Mommmie on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 01:03 pm:

I would have him evaluated for learning disabilities. My son's story is so similar except the sport was basketball. 1st grade. Wanted to do it, but once it became game time (or even practice time) he just stood in the middle of the court sucking his thumb. I had him evaluated the beginning of 2nd and he has several LDs. All the chaos of the basketball game - moving back and forth and back and forth and following a ball and keeping track of which direction is currently the "right" direction was just *way* too overwhelming for him. He couldn't process everything that was going on. He felt stupid and he caved. I made him finish the year - and his team won 1st place and he got a trophy - but it was only because the coaches and I met with the referees before each game to tell them this was going to happen. They were very patient, but I think only bec it was 1st grade (and really had already become quite competitive). I did endure many a dirty look from other parents and I encountered compassionate ones, too. It's so deceptive - LDs are - because these kids look normal and everything and so you expect normal behavior, but then you don't always get normal.

I'm not a believer in "never quitting" for little kids bec I think they are still exploring the world and deciding what they like and don't like. I withdrew him early from karate in Kinder and piano in 2nd grade. It just wasn't working and there's no point in making everyone suffer. I think there are times in *everyone's* life where you need to cut your losses.

My son has a gifted IQ but in 1st and 2nd grade he kept saying he was stupid and everyone else was smart. It was the LDs. He attends a private LD school now and he doesn't say these things anymore.

So, maybe he can't help the way he acts. I think most kids want to succeed, want to fit in. His troubles with this may be telling you something. I wouldn't punish him. I would investigate.

By Truestori on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 02:52 pm:

Ditto,

What mommie said!

By Beth on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 03:42 pm:

That is a very good point mommmie. I already know that my son does have some ld. He was in special ed services in kindergarten but is not qualifying for them in first grade. Which I believe is wrong. I have already made it clear to the teacher that I want to know if he is struggling so he may be tested again. I guess I just did not think that this would carry over in to sports and such. Like I said if its something he likes he does very well at it. I am not going continue to make him play if he is crying every game. I just want to make sure for now that is not just manipulation on his part.

By Melanie on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 03:51 pm:

I think it makes sense that it would carry over. If he is feeling bad about himself in one area, that could certainly grow to other areas. Be sure you put a lot of emphasis on all the stuff he does do well. Put most of your energy focusing on the things he excels in rather than on the things he needs special help for. Does that make sense?

Also, as a huge fan of Love and Logic, I would recommend one of their tapes. It's called Hope for Underachieving Kids. It's an excellent tape and may give you some new ideas on how to approach the problem. Here is the link if you want to check it out: https://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/Product.aspx?Template=BookAudio&PID=Hope&cat=2

Good luck!

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 09:09 pm:

We have gone through this with sports and my take is: This is a great oppurtunity to teach him a little responsibility, I have told mine once you agree to something you have to follow through, if you choose not to play next year that will be fine but you HAVE TO FINISH WHAT YOU START. I think it is our responsibility to teach our kids how to follow through with commitments and how to be reliable even though it isn't always fun.

As far as self confidence goes there is a great book by Karol Ladd called The power of a Positive mom. One of the chapters is about building your kids up and the importance of that, it goes on to say for every 1 negative comment your children hear they need 17 to build it up...WOW...17. Imagine if your child heard 2 unkind comments to your child at school that would mean you would need to say 34 nice things. I don't think you can completely build his confidence on your own but you can sure help. I would also find out what he is truly interested in maybe an art class, karate, choir, etc. and really back him on these things.

Good luck!

By Irene on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 01:42 pm:

I have one tiny suggestion...the thing about soccer, or any sport, is it really helps to practice on the off days. For instance, have him kick the ball against the wall 50 times, or practice dribbling at the park (just be sure to keep it fun, and not make it a chore). There is nothing better for self esteem than to see yourself get better at something after you've done it for a while. There will always be those kids who are great at a sport on the first day, but I think it's even better to be the kid who gets better after practicing and sticking with it. Those kids who are naturals sometimes don't appreciate their luck and end up quitting.

Did you see the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? He has a son who gets picked on by the baseball team for messing up, so Steve Martin practices hitting fly balls to him over and over again. In the end he makes an important catch during the game, and Steve Martin says to his wife, "I can't believe he caught it." And she says, "Of course he did. You only hit 5 million fly balls to him."