My son, 19, is living with myself and my husband while he puts himself through college. He's a good kid and we've never had any trouble with him, not even any underage drinking or stuff you might be expecting to happen with teenagers. But last week as I was cleaning his room, I found two porn magazines. While I don't approve of pornography in general, these magazines were particularly grotesque material. One was called 'Barely Legal' and featured young women (all were over 18) stripping off, and then 'playing with themselves' shall we say. The other magazine was called 'taboo', and featured things like S&M and women urinating, and other things that, as I suppose the title suggests, are frowned upon in our society. The problem is made more complicated by the fact my son is of age to buy and view these materials. What should I do?

By Insaneusmcwife on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 11:12 am:

IMO, He is 19 and should be cleaning his own room. Put the magazines back where you found them and don't bring it up again. They are only magazines. He is not breaking any laws by looking at them. It is normal for a man his age to want to look at naked women. The "Barely Legal" magazine is as you say all over 18 and that is his age group. And, it could be extremely embarassing for the both of you and cause a lot of friction between the two of you if you do bring it to his attention. JMHO.

By Kay on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 11:29 am:

I stopped cleaning my kids' rooms completely when they became teenagers - call it a rite of passage. I'm sure my ds probably had a few questionable mags hidden, but now that's he's approaching 21, he's a really great young man in a prestigious university - and dating a remarkable young woman. The stipulation I made was that I never wanted to see, nor wanted his sisters to see, anything of a pornographic nature in our home.

By Dana on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 11:37 am:

A woman I used to work with told us a funny story about her and her young man son. Like you, she just happened across the magazines. Instead of bringing it up to him, she just put them back where they were and put a bible on top of them. Besides that, I have no idea how things turned out. But I still remember her story with a smile.

By Kate on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 12:53 pm:

I honestly don't know what you should do, but I don't think it's 'harmless'. Ted Bundy was exposed to such stuff and he claims this was part of the reason he became a killer. I am NOT saying your son is anything like Ted Bundy, but I AM saying I don't think it should be just treated as a 'boys will be boys' type of thing. Our society becomes numb to things like violence and derogatory treatment of women when we see things like that all the time and no one says it's bad. It is bad. Women who agree to pose like that are harming themselves and society. People who take those pictures and publish those magazines are harming society. People who buy them and look at them are harming themselves and society. It's not healthy and it's a horrible example. We need to witness GOOD things and people respecting themselves and others. Our society is sadly filled with filth and we become immune to how dirty it really is, but it still pollutes our minds and hearts.

I'm sorry, this turned out to be more of a Kitchen Table post. Here is a link to the final interview with Ted Bundy where he talks about his porn addiction if you're interested. Again, I am NOT saying your son is like this man was, or even that he is addicted. I'm just saying you're right to be concerned because you never know how far it can go. http://pureintimacy.org/gr/intimacy/understanding/a0000082.cfm

Good luck to you.

By Mommyathome on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 01:19 pm:

Sounds like your in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, IMO, you shouldn't have into his room to clean. He's old enough to clean his own room. But on the other hand, if you don't allow porn in your home, he shouldn't have it there.
I would maybe tell him that you cleaned his room, found the magazines and remind him that it's not allowed in your home. Does he like you to clean his room? If not, maybe tell him to keep his porn out, and you will stop cleaning in his room.

By Amy~moderator on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 01:34 pm:

I agree 100% with Mommyathome. Like everyone above has said, you really shouldn't be cleaning his room unless he specifically said he wanted you to. It is an invasion of privacy being that he is an adult. If he is okay with you cleaning his room, THEN and only THEN should you bring this up - because it is only natural that you would have found it while cleaning his room - then remind him that porn is not allowed in your house. It is your house and you can make that rule. HTH - and I would be a little concerned too, not just because it's porn, but because it features strange acts like urinating, etc. That's just odd.

By Sunny on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 02:26 pm:

I don't know what you should do because I don't know what rules have been established in your home or how much autonomy he has. Does he pay you room and board? That makes a difference. Was it hidden or left in an obvious place? In other words, did you have to clean out a drawer or under the bed or was it lying out in the open?

I guess you need to approach it from your own moral standpoint. If it is upsetting to you to have that kind of material in the house, then it is your right to ask him to remove it. Remember, too, that it could also be a great opportunity for you to discuss with him his views on pornography and let him know what your feelings are, if you choose to let him know what you found.

Now, if you have younger children who might stumble on to it as you have, I think I would definitely tell him you found it and either find a better hiding spot or get rid of it.

By Anonymous on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 02:50 pm:

Do you have underage children? That would make a big difference to me. I am ok with a Playboy or two, but the type of magazines you mentioned would bother me. Since he is an adult, you can't really control that, but as others mentioned it IS your house. If their are siblings in the house they may come across the magazines. That's not acceptable. Also, could he be using a family PC to look at pornographic sites? Many sites will target his age group by email, and pop-ups can start if he goes to them. Wow, there are a lot of angles to this. Ultimately, these are the things I think you need to answer for this. And make him clean own room!

By Pamt on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 02:59 pm:

Well, whether or not you should be cleaning his room is a moot point as I see it. The fact is that you did and you discovered pornography...and hard-core violent pornography at that. If it were me I would confront my son and let him know that I had innocently found the mags while cleaning his room---not going on a search through his private stuff. I would say that pornography was absolutely not allowed in my house (regardless if he is paying room and board---still your house), even "softcore" porn like Playboy. I would reassure him of my love for him, but make sure he knew that those mags or internet sites...whatever would not be tolerated.

Actually, it might be even better if your DH had the conversation. With the fact that your son had a magazine with S&M acts in it, that is highly suggestive of an addiction to porn, not just a teenaged curiousity thing. I would gently try to draw out the truth about his involvement in porn and if he does admit to being in over his head, get him counseling ASAP.

Addiction to porn is a huge problem among teenaged boys today. The price they pay is a hard one too, because it does often lead to sexual acting out and/or violence. Looking at porn ceases to give them a charge so they look for harder and harder stuff and eventually start acting out. Even if he never gets to that point, the visual garbage that is now in his head will affect his future relationships with females and ultimately his wife. And just just affect his marriage sexually, but in his whole concept of "female" and respect for the female gender after he has seen it degraded in such a fashion.

((Hugs)) I hope you and your DH do decide to intervene and that it goes well.

P.S. If I sound a little bit "alarmist" about this it's because I am concerned. My DH is a youth minister and has so many teen boys come to him all wrapped up in porn and unable to get out. The guilt, the draw of it, the degradation, become a vicious cycle that is difficult to break and it is so hard to watch them struggle with this. And these are "good kids" with good parents too.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 06:49 pm:

The S&M worries me too. I agree with those who say that porn is not really harmless.

I agree, it's his room. But, doesn't he already know you clean it? If so, he has only himself to blame.

I also agree, it's your house. I had (and have) some firm rules about what takes place in my house and what I will and won't allow - and my son is 36.

And finally, I agree, you should talk with your dh and try to get him to talk to your son. I think this is not a conversation between a son and his mother if dh will carry the load.

By Monicamomof3 on Monday, August 23, 2004 - 07:16 pm:

Porn is absolutely harmful. It is degrading and poisons any mind striving for any kind of moral standard. It is no secret that porn. leads to more porn. and more porn. Lust begings to permeate the mind of one who looks at "only playboy"! Ask anyone that looks at the S&M magazines and they will all tell you they began with Playboy. None of them will say that a severe magazine such as S$M was their first purchase of porn. Or, they will tell you that they have been dealing with pornography in another way prior to their interest in s&m. You can obviously see my concern. Pornography is no pit one should fall into. I hope you can convince your son to be different than "most boys"! I know you can!

By Truestori on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 11:27 am:

Well,

I would definitly let my husband handle it. . I think boys, men will look at porn in their lifetime and its not going to kill them. Maybe you should ask your husband what his experience has been with this issue ect. He may be able to ease your mind. The second magazine you describe is strange but I do know that some magazines come paired together. Just a thought