Sex life and teenagers

Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004: Sex life and teenagers

With the recent sex talk here I thought I would throw this one out there for BTDT moms. How does having your own teenager in the house affect your sex life? DH and I have talked about this recently as my oldest will be in middle school next year. Right now the boys go to bed early, but what happens when they start staying up later than we do? We make it a habit already for the boys to know that they always knock when a door is closed---and we always lock the door. Sometimes if we "play" during the day when they are at home they probably think we are just talking alone in our room. But, the day is coming when that won't be the case. We actually don't care if they know we are having sex when they are older--we actually hope that they do know that we love each other and have an active sex life without actually knowing any details, of course. But...it just seems like it will all be a little awkward when they start knowing for sure that *right now* their parents are "doing it." Yikes!

I know it was weird for me as a teen. My bedroom was right next to my parents and every Sunday night without fail, my mom would stay up late (for her) and my dad would go to bed early (for him). Next thing you knew, the "Trapper John, MD" theme song would be really loud on the TV and my dad would lock and re-lock their bedroom door and shake it to make sure it was closed well. They normally always slept with their door open *eg*

By Happynerdmom on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 10:30 am:

Well, we have a 14 yr.-old dd, and I know she knows that we have sex! Like you said, I think it's important that they know we have a healthy married relationship. (We are also affectionate in front of the kids, and she's at the stage where she just rolls her eyes! LOL) It doesn't bother me, as long as we put some music on pretty loud and lock the door. (LOL about the Trapper John theme song!) We are also at the stage where we often find ourselves "home alone," (Yes, it eventually does get there, for those of you currently w/o a moment to yourself!) and we relish in taking advantage of those times to venture out into other rooms of the house, like it was before kids!

By Cat on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 12:19 pm:

I'm not there yet either, Pam, but soon! A thought, though. How will they really know if you're "doing it" or just talking with the door closed and locked? If they knock you can just say "We're busy, come back later." wheither you're talking or not (and you really are busy so you're not lying!). Hey, sometimes parents want to talk in private without interruptions, right? Unless you're loud (and how many of us with kids really are???) they'll never really know. It will still be a mystery, and we can leave them wondering!

By Janet on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 12:29 pm:

LOL Pam~! I AM there, and I hate it! My teenage dd goes to bed late, especially homework nights, and I just can't be in the mood until I'm sure she's asleep. We always close and lock our door, but that's obviously a signal, since we sleep with it open! I'm not one for "afternoon delights" or odd times, so right before sleep is about the only time we get intimate. Yes, it has affected things. I can tell because our sex life heats up when dd is at her dad's for the summer! LOL I guess I have no advice...

By Kate on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 12:40 pm:

I have some advice, but not for the original question, LOL. You should always sleep with the door CLOSED because if there is a fire, it will seek out oxygen and will spread in the directions it can gain that. Open bedroom doors welcome fire, whereas with the door closed, the fire might turn a corner and go seeking elsewhere. It also, of course, buys you time to get out safely. So please, everyone, always close your bedroom doors, and your kids' doors, too.

By Tonya on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 01:50 pm:

We always have our door open and the kids are closed. So for now we can mess around and not worry when they get older we will sleep with our door closed also so we won't have to wrry about that issue.

By Bea on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 04:50 pm:

Mine are grown and gone now, but I handled it with honesty. Once they were old enough to understand about marital sex, and that they weren't found under cabbage leaves, I explained that their father and I needed some space for romance.....I think I used the term necking, and that our closed bedroom door was an indication that we wanted privacy. I got rolled eyes and "Oh Gross" but they listened, and respected that closed door.

By Dawnk777 on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:00 pm:

Well, DH works second shift and doesn't usually want sex in the evening. It's more of a morning thing for him. In the morning, the 15 and 12 yo are still sound asleep, so we just close the door. Around 6 or 7am, there is no chance my kids will be awake! LOL! DH is often too tired and too stressed out to think about sex. I think I want it more than he does. Last week with the golf tournament, both of us were working long hours, so there really wasn't time for that!

However, kids are going to grandma's house tomorrow and staying until Friday. So, we have a few days without kids. Although, we still have to work. Maybe Friday morning, since I don't work until noon!

By Annie2 on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:43 pm:

LOL Pam, you cracked me up about the Trapper John theme song and your dad checking the door!!

We lock then unlock our door. Our kids know to knock and wait for an answer before coming into our room. My 13 dd isn't the one who usually interrupts, it's usually one of the younger ones.

Now, how do you get the DOG from watching! LOL

By Karen~moderator on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:15 pm:

Pam, after surviving 4 teenagers, I can tell you it definitely DOES affect your sex life. But your points above are excellent points. And kids *know* their parents have sex, they just don't want a mental image of it, KWIM? LOL

Lock the door when you're playing, then unlock it when you're done. That's what I did. They might know, or think they know what you're doing, but so what? You don't have to come out of the room and say *Oh, by the way, Dad and I were just making love, you can come in now.* They'll get the hint - when the door is closed and locked, Mom and Dad don't need to be bothered unless someone's bleeding to death!

By Dawnk777 on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:20 pm:

My mom and dad used to take "naps" on the weekends. They would tell us not to disturb them. I was a college student, or even an adult before I figured out that they might not be "napping!" LOL! I just never put two and two together! My sisters and I never thought anything of it! This must have been when we were old enough to be in school, since we could be trusted by ourselves for a little while. I guess I figured my parents were busy and probably needed a nap. Maybe they slept, too~

By Eight_Kids on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 10:23 pm:

Okay.....along the same lines.....what do you say to I heard so and so doing such and such last night????....what do you do if the bed makes noise?...I am open to all kinds of advice on this and I'm glad Pam posted it. On a regular basis we have a 17yo (she's usually out...no problem there) and 13yo, a 12yo and a 6yo. From now until the 24th I also have a 16yo, a 14yo and two more 13yos. You try it! Ha! Ha! I know they know that married people have sex and I'm okay with that but what do you do about noise??? And yes, we usually have the tv turned up in the bedroom!!

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 07:45 am:

Say nothing. Just smile and go on about your business!

By Janet on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 10:28 am:

I just had a memory I need to share! I was about 9, and my Camp Fire Girls group was in a car going somewhere, when one of the girls said she had to watch her little brother yesterday because her parents had to make love! All of us just stared at her and then giggled uproariously, while my mom (the driver) calmly answered, "Well, that's what life is all about." Dumb answer, but now I think, what would I say? Probably the same thing! LOL Obviously, this girl's parents were WAAAY more open about their sex life than mine!

By Amy~moderator on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 10:37 am:

Yeah - that's what troubles me - a squeaky bed, LOL!

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 10:50 am:

When I was a teen I got into the habit of sleeping with the radio on. (Not because of my parents, just liked the background noise) *IF* I heard anything I didn't need to hear, I just turned it up a little. It never really bothered me, I just chalked it up to a fact of life. Oh, and it's true you should ALWAYS sleep with your door closed for fire safety.

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 11:17 am:

LOL Janet! As for squeaky beds, throw the comforter and pillows on the floor! ;-)

By My2cuties on Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 01:54 pm:

My parents were always very private about it, but my best friend's (in high school) parents were openly affectionate and would joke about it with their daughter. When I would spend the night, I remember thinking when I get older I want to be open, because it just seemed healthier, although I didn't have sex until after I graduated, I still think it would have been nicer to talk about my feelings with my mom but it was so "hushed" in the house. Right now my 14 month old sleeps in her own room but my 3 year old sleeps in her bed in our room...(my fault from when she was smaller, but that is a different story all together). So we just take our "business" to the livingroom. Whatever works!

By Pamt on Wednesday, August 18, 2004 - 09:27 pm:

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and stories (LOL, Janet!). I can still I have a lot to look forward to *tongue in cheek*.