My son, as some of you know, recently started preschool. Yesterday his teacher told me that he has not been listening too well & has been talking back a lot. She told him that she was going to tell me & he said no she wasn't.
So, DH and I takled about it, talked with him about it, and took his TV away. We think too much tv has him preoccupied & adding to the not listening!
He goes back today & when I pick him up, she says he may be acting a little better, but that he is still acting defiant, talking back and mocking her. He has been in time out there when the other kids go outside & play. My daughter is in the same class & she's not having any problems at all. She's also a wealth of information when it comes to the details of what he did. (I always ask her when she & I are alone, not in front of him).
I have talked to him till I am blue in the face. I am hoping that it will get better, since it was just brought to my attention yesterday, but other than taking priveleges away, I don't know what else I should do.
Instead of watching tv, we have had him reading and drawing. His mind is so preoccupied with the tv though! When I ask him "Are you going to talk back to Mrs.**** tomorrow" he will reply with something like "No, and then I will get my tv back??" (It's already been decided that he won't have the tv in his room anymore at all)
Any suggestions?
He is 4. He will be 5 next month.

By Audreyj on Thursday, August 5, 2004 - 06:39 pm:

You might try "modelling". I have found modelling to be very effective with 4 and 5 year olds.

This is when Mom and Dad "set up" a situation that requires the appropriate behavior and "model" the desired behavior.

An example:

Recently, at a family gathering my niece and my daughter had a light confrontation about who was the better bike rider. There was only one bike and the kids were taking turns riding it. When my daughter rode the bike, she wanted everyone to chant, "Go Anna! Go Anna!" but my niece wanted everyone to chant for her. Without saying anything to either child, I walked over to the "bike area" and chanted the cheer for each child that rode, "Go (name of child), Go (name of child) Soon, all of the children were chanting for each other and a confrontation was avoided all together.

One night at dinner (you may have to inform your older child of what is going on) or whenever your family is together, you might try something like, you asking your husband to do the dishes, he could respond negatively or with mocking, you could react with hurt feelings and the husband could apologize and do the required task. It doesn't take a very complicated example, but sometimes a little drama can be very effective.

MOM:"Daddy, would you please help clear the table?"

DAD:" NO! No! no!" (a strong facial expression and a little drama will help make the point)

MOM: "Daddy, (Mom's "sad face") it hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that."

DAD: "I am sorry, I will help clear the table." (Dad could even hug Mom to show he is sorry for negative behavior) and then do the required task.

Now, I know this sounds silly, but I swear with people under 5 it really works and makes an impression. It is not a tool to be used all the time, but used infrequently it can be very effective. Occaisionally, when I had a Pre-K class my "teacher's helper" and I would try it. One small sketch often went a very, very, long way......and it makes a BIG impression on little people. AJ

By Lauram on Thursday, August 5, 2004 - 07:18 pm:

SOunds to me like he's adjusting to being in school. For starters, I would definitely take the TV out of his room- that is not a good idea- but has nothing to do with this issue. Secondly, it sounds like TV is important to him so it seems like a consequence that is "getting his attention" if you KWIM. If he has a good day tomorrow, I'd let him watch a show (I'm assuming you limit TV watching- but if not that's really important too- and not related to this issue at all). If not- no TV. Very simple. Very clear. And the reward (or lack thereof) is immediate. I would also NOT ask his twin what is going on. You do not want her to be a policewoman- that's not good for her or him. If you need information, ask the teacher- that's her job! The behavior should disappear shortly if you are consistent about the consequence. If not, I would talk further with the teacher again. Good luck.

By Amyj on Thursday, August 5, 2004 - 08:38 pm:

When my son started pre-school at age 3, he had a difficult time following the routine and getting along with others. One thing that I relized was that he was getting in trouble at school for something and then in trouble again at home for what he did at school. Finally, I decided to let the teacher handle the majority of issues at school. I tried to be the understanding, sympathetic mommy. "Oh, I'm sorry you had to stay inside during outside time. I bet that made you feel really sad. Maybe you could (talk to your teacher, listen, follow directions...)in a different way so that doesn't happen again." This seemed to really help my son and helped me not get so angry and frustrated. In his class the parents rotated as helpers. When I was helper I noticed that many of the children were having difficulty with the same areas. The differnce was that their parents weren't asking how their child did everyday and the teacher didn't feel the need to tell them. I stopped asking everyday!
My son still struggles with some areas, he is 6.5, but trying to listen, offer understanding, role playing how to handle situations, and disciplining when needed has helped.
I hope this helps. It can be so hard watching them struggle in school, but we can't always fix it. Believe me, I have tried!

By Mommierenee on Friday, August 6, 2004 - 08:44 am:

Lauram- I agree totally with the tv situation. We did limit his tv watching even when it was in his room, but I think he was still watching too much. He has not watched tv at all for the last 2 days. I told him "tomorrow is Friday, so you know what that means?" (we're getting used to the 'weekend' idea) "That means that if you have a good day tomorrow, you may have your tv priveleges for the weekend, if NOT, then ALL weekend you won't have any tv!" And I should clarify about my daughter. I ask them about their day every day & usually how & what my son got in trouble for that day. It's nice to have a pair of eyes & ears there since I am notthere. If we're in front of my son & she starts talking about him getting in trouble I will saysomething like "****, I will talk to your brother about it later" I don't push her for information or anything, but she does offer it sometimes, as does HE. Sorry, I thought I must have sounded like I was using her as a spy or something. Not like that, but the teacher will tell me the general problem then my daughter may elaborate on it later on.

By Mommierenee on Friday, August 6, 2004 - 01:22 pm:

Well, we got a good report from the teacher today. We will probably do the role playing this weekend anyway.

By Lauram on Friday, August 6, 2004 - 03:33 pm:

Great! I would praise him and just do a little reminder right before he goes back next week. Let him (and you) enjoy the weekend! I *WISH* it had been that easy with my ds (he has BIG TIME behavior issues- Tourette's, ADHD, etc...) Totally normal for kids to slip now and then. Better they do it now with the little things than when they are older and the issues have much graver consequences!

By Audreyj on Saturday, August 7, 2004 - 08:59 am:

HOORAY!!! For the little guy! AJ

By Mommierenee on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 12:39 pm:

So far we have been getting good reports lately! Thank GOODNESS! He even told me that a boy got in timeout yesterday for hittig him & that he didn't hit him back, he just told the teacher.
I have been praising him for it & making sure that he knows we are very proud of him!

Thanks for all your good advice!