My mom has had a "favorite" grand-daughter ever since my 1st dd was born. No big deal, well now that my 2nd dd has been born it is a really big deal. I try to get my mom to take turns (one spend the night one weekend and the other the next weekend, etc.). Well she always comes up with an excuse, saying she is "thinking of my oldest daughters feelings" and "how bad she wants to go with 'nana'" Well, I just don't know what to do, I know my oldest dd loves her, but I can't continue to let her hurt my youngest dd. I have confronted her about this and told her how much my youngest loves her too. It doesn't seem to affect her at all. I have prayed about this, it is so sad to see my youngest dd cry for her when she leaves with my oldest dd. Please tell me someone has BTDT and has some advice for me. I am at the point I am about to not let them stay anywhere anymore if people cannot love them equally. Thanks for ANY information you could give me.

Sincerely, Candis

By Emily7 on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 05:24 pm:

I haven't BTDT, but do you think the oldest is easier to handle for her?
When she says that she is thinking of your older dd's feelings, maybe say that the younger one has feelings to.
Good luck. Not a fun situation.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 06:35 pm:

I haven't BTDT either, but my grandmother always favored me over my brother. My mom eventually told her that if she wasn't fair to both of us, neither of us would visit. I don't know that I noticed, however, because the visits were only every other month or less frequent.

I agree that Emily has a good point, maybe the older dd is easier for her to handle. Can you ask your mom why she doesn't want your younger dd to visit? I see that Hailey is just over a year old and Kaitlyn is almost 4, so maybe it is a matter of age-related behavior, that she can "do things" with Kaitlyn but not with Hailey yet. Maybe it will change in a couple of years, when she can do things with Hailey too. I find myself wondering if Hailey really cares, at this age, or if she simply senses that you think it is a big deal.

Otherwise, maybe you have going to have to eventually turn the grandma/oldest dd trips into girls-together - you, both dds, and grandma doing something special together. And in the meantime maybe part of the time grandma can visit Kailyn at your house so that Hailey can share, and you can tell Kaitlyn it is because Hailey is too young to do the things Kaitlyn does with grandma. And when Kaitlyn is out with grandma you can turn it into a special time for you and Hailey.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 06:42 pm:

Thinking about it a bit more, quite honestly, if I had to choose between spending time with a child who can eat table food and play some games and go for walks and chatter (and is toilet trained) - or a baby who is just starting to talk, still in diapers, needs special food and furniture, and can't go for walks or play games ... that would be an easy choice looking at ONLY from my point of view. Maybe Kaitlyn is just easier for your mom to manage. She may feel she has done her bit of diaper changing, etc., and doesn't feel she wants to go through it again.

By Sue3 on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 10:02 pm:

(((Candis))) , I have btdt.My mother has always showed special attention to my oldest dd.
It was very obvious from the time she was born.She did care for my oldest dd from 8 weeks until I had my 2nd dd when my oldest was 2 then I quit my job to be a sahm,so I always thought that they had
bonded in the time that she cared for her.
It`s tough I know and eventually my oldest stopped going over night to Grandma`s(my doings) because it was to much on my youngest.
At Birthdays my oldest always got more gifts ect.it was obvious.
She helps with her dance classes also ($$ wise)
Though not my 2nd dd`s violin lessons.
Maybe this isn`t the case with your Mother though.Both Emily and Ginny gave excellent points that you should consider about the age difference in your dd`s.
How is your Mother when you girls are all together?Thats a good idea that you all go out together someplace.
Good luck ,I don`t think that I was of much help .Sorry !

By My2cuties on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 12:45 am:

Well, that is a good point, Ginny but the fact is that my mother was with my oldest dd and came to see her almost everyday since she was born. In fact, she was in the delivery room with me and my dh when Katelyn was born. Not the case with Hailey however, she was on a trip to Florida (that was understood and not an issue though). When we are all together my mom plays with Katelyn more, but that may be because Katelyn is very attached to her also. I really do think my youngest (Hailey) has a hard time when she is left with me and dh, initially, because she wants to go with 'nana' too. We do spend alot of "together time" when Katelyn goes with my mom. We make it a special event and go get ice cream and go out to eat, we go get a new toy, and she is probably fine with it after about 10 minutes. I just hate to see this happen to her. I hope it does get better when she gets older. Maybe I will try telling my mother again how badly it bothers ME. Me and dh are more puzzled than anything, we both look at her and say Anyone would be crazy not to want to spend time with her. She is so good. Thank you for the advice this is just not a good situation to be in. All I can really do is talk to her about it and hope for the best, and we will try to all go out together soon to see how that goes. (cross my fingers)

By Audreyj on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 01:43 pm:

These things can be tough.

Sometimes some people just "click" more than others. I have an Aunt, who I am "just like" and we can talk for hours. We just understand each other, but she does take time to spend with my brother and sister as well.

My Mom and my brother "understand" each other well and they have a closer relationship than we do because they just communicate better and have more in common.

Both of my children have been treated like "gold" by me and by my husband. When my first child was a premie, she would not drink all of her "bottle" (I couldn't breastfeed) anyway, my first child would not drink all of her bottle for anyone else but "Daddy". While my youngest, always wants her "Mommy". They have both had a preference since they were very, very, tiny. My husband and I laugh about it, because we do not play favorites, we love both our children....but the kids DEFINITELY play favorites with the parents....Sometimes I think it is just part of the human condition for us to sometimes be more attracted to one person then we are to another.
Hope that helps.