I'm not sure where the best place is to put this but I think it's more about parenting than losing a child or just "general knowledge". If I'm wrong, feel free to move this to the appropriate board. When I was pregnant with my oldest dd, I lost her fraternal twin at 14 weeks. The ob/gyn wasn't able to say what was wrong with her and gave me the usual garbage about genetic abnormalities, it's nature's way, blah blah blah. I've never mentioned this to my dd and I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas what age is appropriate to bring this up to her. I was told from the time I was a toddler that my "dad" wasn't my biological dad but it hasn't ever been an issue for me. I don't even know how to discuss it with her when it isn't common knowledge for her. She is also the type to tell EVERYONE, including family, her friends, her friends' families, teachers, the butcher, baker and candlestick maker. I don't know how to tell her that she doesn't need to tell the world about it without her feeling like it is a "shameful secret". If I wait too long to tell her, I'm afraid she will think I was hiding it from her, she had a right to know, etc. but I don't know if she is emotionally mature enough for this kind of news. She is very mature and intelligent but naive and sheltered. We try not to talk about the tough subjects with her. She tends to be the emotional type (I have no idea where she gets that from! ) Any help or personal experiences would be great. Thanks

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, July 17, 2004 - 02:40 am:

I know 2 families who had to deal with this, and I'm not sure at what age they did. A childhood friend had a little brother who was a twin, I think the twin was lost mid-pregnancy. We knew as kids, so he must have known since early childhood. One of my closest friends has an 11 year old, his twin died after birth. He knows, but I'll have to ask her in the morning when she told him. All said, I won't have any advice until the morning, just wanted you to know you aren't alone in dealing with this!! Big hugs, I'll post later in the AM, when the normal people are up!

By Kaye on Saturday, July 17, 2004 - 02:45 am:

I don't know the answers, but can give you a been there story. When I was in about the 6th grade my cousin and I were talking about babies, twins etc, and she casually mentioned my mom having twins before I was born, I absolutly didn't believe her because my gosh wouldn't mom have told me. Well turns out she did, kind of, she miscarried twins at 5+ months. I will admit that I was very hurt and did feel like this big secret was kept from me. In all actuality it was, it was a horrible time in my mom's life, in my parent's marriage and was not something she was ever comfortable talking about. However when I got pg with my first child we did talk in detail about what happened, why, etc, it was very natural and very comforting. But I don't know how I would have accepted it if I had no prior knowledge. I think that yes she should be told at sometime, but it also shouldn't be a forced issue. Do you have info in a baby book, is there some way she would find out if you didn't tell her. If so maybe you could sit down with her with that, talk about family and such. Again I really don't know. I wasn't scarred for life, it did really affect me, but only because we were really going through a rough period. When we were adults and able to talk about it, it just felt so good, my mother passed away 7 years ago and the last thing she said, was how are my babies?" I know full well that she was thinking of them and feel blessed that we were able to share about them and she didn't go to her grave with such a big secret out there.

By Tink on Thursday, July 22, 2004 - 10:18 pm:

Thanks for the help so far. I'd love any other advice or two cents that anyone has to offer.

By Emily7 on Thursday, July 22, 2004 - 10:49 pm:

I lost my ds's twin at the start of my pregnancy, I never even thought of telling him. Is that wrong?

By Kate on Thursday, July 22, 2004 - 11:18 pm:

Of course it's not wrong, Emily. Do what ever you think is best! I had a miscarriage between my two children, but I've never told them and really had no intention unless they asked me at some point if that had ever happened to me. It happened, it's over, it was sad, but fortunately I went on to have a healthy baby so that erased pretty much all the pain. If you're over it, or are handling it well, I see no reason to suddenly make your son need to handle it, especially if he doesn't handle it WELL.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, July 23, 2004 - 07:33 am:

Tink, I think the deciding factor on whether to tell her is whether any other family member knows and might at some time in the future tell her or tell a child who might tell her, or if some friend of yours knows and again, it might get to her. If that is a possibility, then I would try to sense the right time (when the topic of miscarriage comes up, as it is bound to at some time) and tell her because I think she would be devastated to hear it from anyone else. If some family member knows but can be 100% trusted not to tell her at any time, then you may be alright taking that chance. But, I would talk with the family member(s) who know and make sure they are totally 100% on board with you on this.

If there is no one other than you and dh (and the medical people) who know and there is no risk of anyone else telling her, then I say go with what you feel best.

By Tink on Friday, July 23, 2004 - 09:58 am:

Emily, I don't think it is wrong. I know that I will eventually tell my dd because there are several family members that helped me through that and I am afraid that as she gets older something may be said when she could overhear. As Ginny said, I think she would be devastated to hear it from someone else. I hadn't thought about the fact that miscarriage would have to be discussed at some point. That may be the perfect time to cover this. Great idea, Thanks.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, July 24, 2004 - 02:18 am:

I think it is better to start them out young with information according to their maturity level than it is to wait. And I don't think there is ever a perfect time to share a family "secret". It is my experience that things that are just known are dealt with a lot better than things that are kept and then told. My mother was 6 months pregnant with me when she got married. I didn't find out until I was in my teens. It left me with a lot of questions about why they actually married. Because of me or did they really love each other. Found out later it was just because of me but that is a whole nother story. I had my daughter before I married DH. DD has known her whole life that we had her before we were married and to her it is no big deal. As she got older she would ask questions and I would give her answers that she could understand at that time. At 14 she knows all the reasons we waited and she has no problem with it. If I had kept it a secret and then told her at 14 she would have possibly had the same questions about her life as I did. But because I didn't want her to think that my marriage was because of her or that her birth was a "bad" thing I raised her always knowing.