A "Soft" Parent?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
A "Soft" Parent?
A friend of mine was talking about her and her DH. She said she was really worried that her DH would turn out to be a softy, but that he's been very good. Then, she tells me that my DH and I are "soft." I say "I don't think I'm soft." She says "You are." This goes back and forth for a bit, and then I just change the subject.
Ok, I was a bit insulted. Of course we are not perfect parents, but I think our DD is a pretty well rounded child. There are times I give in when I shouldn't, sure. Don't we all? There are times when I should bring my DD right to her room, but instead I find myself arguing with a 3 year old. But, isn't this normal? Doesn't it just happen? It's part of the process, isn't it?
I don't spank, I don't make my DD sit and eat her entire meal as a sort of punishment, I try not to do too much yelling, I try to be encouraging and loving. I don't make her sit on the potty and punish her when she has an accident. Does this mean I am "soft?" I don't get it. Often times people tell me what good manners my DD has and how well behaved she is. I don't get it. I'm insulted.
What do you think? What exactly is "soft?"
My definition of soft is pushover. You are not a pushover.
Does your friend have kids? I'm not sure from your post if she does or not.
Regardless, though, who is she to judge your parenting skills? Is she a well-known authority on child-rearing and in a position to judge? Where does she get off labeling you and making you question your ability? Does her opinion really matter to you?
Eve, don't listen to her! She doesn't know what she's talking about and she was way out of line to even say anything. If you ask me, she sounds like she might be too 'hard', if that is a term used for parenting. Don't worry about her. If you need help with a good comeback for the next time she says something, let us know. I'm sure we could come up with something! 
Eve, you sound like you are a wonderful mother. Someone who is soft, lets their kids walk all over them. You sound like you and your husband are raising a wonderful, well rounded happy little girl who will grow to be a productive, happy member of society. You should be proud.
I would have been insulted too. Ignore her and follow your heart in raising your child.
Several comments come to mind, only one of them reasonably polite.
There is the famous "You've certainly given me something to think about.", which may be from Miss Manners or from Ann Landers - can't remember.
Then, there is my father's favorite - Free advice is worth just what you pay for it.
Or: Tell you what - you raise your kids and I'll raise mine, and if we are still friends 25 years from now we'll compare notes.
And, finally:
When I want advice, I'll ask for it.
As for the examples you give, I can think of nothing more fruitless or less likely to work than punishing a child for not using the potty or forcing a child to sit at the table and eat everything on the plate. For pete's sake, these are two of the only three things a young child can really control in their lives (the third being whether and when they go to sleep). Children start using the potty when they are ready and get tired of having a mess in their pants; they eat their meals when they come to the table hungry and I can't think of anything more likely to produce anorexia or bulemia than making eating a punishment. It is just nonsense, and I urge you to ignore it.
Now, arguing with a 3 year old ... well, that is always a losing argument, isn't it? I don't know about taking her to her room, but maybe you could find some other way of handling those situations. However, I don't have any potentially productive ideas, so maybe you'd better just ignore that too.
Eve, I know you are a Love and Logic parent, which is quite different than some parenting styles that use spanking and such. I don't think that makes you "soft" Many parents argue within their relationship about discipline, usually one parent is "softer", while the other one is a harda$$. I think your friend was way out of line, who is she to critisize you? I tend to be a softy, but then the kids walk all over me sometimes. I lose my temper way more than I'd like to, and have been re-evaluating my parenting technique lately. Syd sounds like a well-mannered and adjusted child, so screw what anyone thinks!! Do what works for you, and use what Ginny posted for unsolicited advice/critisim. "Thank you for your advice" with the sweetest smile you can muster. (no one said you can't think evil comments while you grin!!)
Ignore her. She's just one of those Perfect Parents who likes to pat themselves on the back for being a Meanie Mom.
Different strokes....
Eve,
Your friend has no right to judge you. That is wrong. From you post above it sounds as if they might have a very young child?? I know it is easy for everyone to think they will do a better job but parenting is hard and you have to find what works for your family.
I know the feeling, though. My situation is on the opposite end of the spectrum ....My sister in law came to visit a few weeks back and had the gall to take my daughter(11) aside and ask her if she did everything around here? My daughter told me about this conversation after she left and I was really upset. If you remember I have arthritis in my knee so it is hard to go up and down stairs and some days it is truly really hard to stand, etc...Well, I had asked my daughter to go upstairs twice in a matter of a few minutes so that is why she asked her! It was none of her buisness, she has no children and truthfully one day she will know...I just laugh because mine will be grown and she will be calling me with complaints...LOL
Don't take it to heart!
Eve,
I agree with Sunny I think "soft" means a pushover, which it does not sound like you are. I think it sounds from what you have said in this and other post that you are a great mother. Ignore her.
Ditto, ditto, ditto!
Thanks, everyone. She does have a 15 mo. old DS. She is sort of what I call an "old school" parent. Sort of on the tough side; what Love and Logic calls a "Drill Sargeant.". I guess I can see how she would think I was "soft." It just bothers me to hear from one of my best friends. Here this is my full time job that I take so seriously, and she has the nerve to insult me! I just in a million years would not comment about someone's parenting skills to them, unless it was a positive comment. I really believe we all do the best we know how and learn as we go.
Side note: Sometimes, I do wonder if it has anything to do with me staying home. She really wants to stay home, but is not able to at this time. She is now pregnant with #2 and is really hoping to be able to stay home, but they need insurance. I just wonder if that prompted the touch of bitterness.
Ok, I guess I need to get over it! LOL! My DH doesn't understand why it bothers me. He says "Do you really care what she thinks?" I guess so. LOL! I'm going to write Ginny's responses down too! Thanks, everyone.
Eve, I would definitely not call you "soft". However, using Love and Logic is very different from the "old school" parenting style. I can see how someone that is more "old school" would view you as soft. I, like you, have my dks make their own decisions and I give them lots of choices. Dh is more "old school" and a do what I say parent. He told me a few months ago that he used to think I was nuts the way I was with the boys. HOWEVER, he is now seeing that they mind me better and have a different relationship with me that he is jealous of. I told him that I would love for him to jump on the Love and Logic band wagon with me. He is slowly changing his ways.
I would just ignore your friend when she starts giving parenting advice. You two definitely have totally different styles of parenting. It sounds like you and Syd have a great relationship, so just remember that. By the way, any parent who says they haven't given in when they shouldn't have, argued with their toddler, or yelled, just isn't telling the complete truth.
Ignore her......you are doing a wonderful job
Just have her look up this post if she starts putting you down again. It will enlighten her.
What is acceptable to one parent isn't to another. My sister thinks I am too "soft " with Lexi. She is of the "It's my kingdom, not a choice philosophy." Whatever. My dd is, I feel, well mannered, does exceptionally at school and at anything she has tried so far. She has a totally different personality than my sister's dd who is rather timid and quiet. Her comments bothered me too, but then I thought I know that my dd has good self esteem and can think for herself b/c of the way I am parenting so that's what makes the world go around. And just b/c she thinks it doesn't make it so.
Don't worry about what other people think. Do your best because only you will answer for it later not anyone else.....
Eve, I have an aunt who raised her kids very "old school". Definitely a drill sargeant. Those kids never had to make a decision in their lives. She told them what to wear, who to hang out with, she even picked their college courses for them! Her daughter is now 28 and still can't make a good decision for the life of her. She's about to declare bankruptcy and consistently gets involved with men she shouldn't.
You let Syd make decisions and live with the consequences. Sometimes things are sad for her, and that's just the way it is. What your friend doesn't realize is that it is much harder to sit back and lovingly let your kids suffer consequences of their decisions than to jump in all the time and make sure they do everything right and to rescue them when they mess up.
I wouldn't call you soft. I'd call you effective.
Nicely put, Melanie! I 100% agree.
And my mom hated it when I let my kids pick out clothes at the store when they were very young. She thought I should have been making all the decisions. I think people need to learn to make decisions all along the way, within reason.
Melanie, that is an excellent way of looking at it! Thanks.
Oh, Melanie and Eve and Dawn, I agree. My theory is that you let your kids learn, starting with baby steps and moving up, to make decisions while you are still there to catch them when a decision turns out badly. If they don't start making decisions for themselves (and learning that decisions can sometimes have fallout) before they start living on their own, they will have no history of learning how to make decisions.
I think I kind of went both ways - I was very demanding about behavior, but tried to show my kids how to make decisions by telling them what went into my decision-making, and allowed them to make decisions on stuff by starting with little stuff and moving up.
This post, however, reminds me of a conversation I had with Scott a few years ago. In chatting, he mildly commented that "I know, of course, Mom, that you don't want to run my life." He was horribly surprised when I replied "Of course I'd like to run your life and I'm sure I could do a better job of it - but I won't try and you won't let me." Absolute silence for about 90 seconds and then our family's code for changing the subject - How about those Mets?
LOL Ginny! I know my mom still feels the same way. But, of course, you could do a better job, you have years of experience. Unfortunately, the only way we will get that experience is to live life and make mistakes. Like you said, start your kids on the small decisions so that they don't fall on their faces when the real world comes along. I'm speaking from experience.
"Of course I'd like to run your life" is a classic line, Ginny! Love that one! LOL!
I'm doing ok with letting DD make some mistakes now at her age, but I'm not sure how good I'll be when she is a bit older. Melanie and I have had conversations about when the times comes and DD forgets her permission slip to go on a field trip. Will I cave in a drive it to her or will I be thankful for the learning opportunity for her? I guess I would rather have her learn at a young age, like you said, when the consequences are small. (Atleast that's what I keep telling myself. )
Oops, that's where I was a softie, although a few times, we didn't bring the clarinet in for my older dd when she forgot it.
On that specific issue, Eve, I think I would drive her the first time, telling her about every half mile how much of a pain it is to have to do this, and warn her that the next time she will miss the trip. And, I'd find some way to put a special pocket in her bookbag specifically for really important stuff like permission slips.
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