I don't know what has happend in the last week,but my 4.5 year old daughter has developed a very sassy mouth. We were eating dinner and my son was using very poor table manners. I was getting upset with him and asked him to do better. My daughter said,"What's the matter mommy,are you getting mad or just frustrated?" It doesn't sound so bad, but if you could have seen the way she asked it! Her "I'm sorry"s have become a joke, she says,"I don't have to" to everything and is just plain not very nice. I need some good ideas on how to handle this in a calm way. My son has never acted like this! Help!

By Melana on Monday, June 21, 2004 - 09:13 pm:

I think she's trying to push the limits, I would first tell her that speaking to other people in that manner is totaly unacceptable, then tell her that next time she'll be sent to her room. Do any of her friends act this way that you know of? She could be picking it up from one of them, and needs to not be allowed to play with that friend. Not to much advice here, but I hope she straightens up soon.

By Children03 on Monday, June 21, 2004 - 09:16 pm:

I would tell your daughter that she isn't allow to speak that way to you because you are the adult and she is to respect you. I would tell her that if she is going to sass you like that maybe she needs her mouth washed out with some soap, or maybe she would like to stand in the corner each time she does it. I was totally against using soap, but I did it once or twice with my 4 year old because she was using a word that we don't approve of and what I did was put a tiny drop of soft soap (Not a Bar) on the tip of her tongue and that made her stop. If she starts sassing me now, I say, "Is that how you should respond to me?" She usually corrects herself. Sometimes I say "The correct response is Yes, Mam so let's try it again." My dh and I have recently started making our girls stand in the corner every time we tell them to do something or call out to them and if they forget to say "Mam", "Sir", "Yes, Mam", "Yes Sir" we make them stand in the corner. It is working because I hear a lot more manners coming out of their mouths. I demand respect and use of the manners that I have taught them from them at all times so if they don't use them there is always a consequence. I will tell you whatever you try, be consistent with it every time and you will notice a change in her behavior.

By Amecmom on Monday, June 21, 2004 - 11:33 pm:

Sometimes children really have no clue about how people will take what they have said. They do not have the social or linguistic awareness to understand the subtilties of language.

For example - My friend's son said to me, in a genuinely concerned voice, "Are you sick, or something? It's just you don't look the way you normally do."

Now, that sounds like a "mouthy" kid, right? He's not. I just had to tell him, matter of factly, "No, I'm fine, but you are right. I don't look the way I normally do, because I just got out of the shower and my hair is not done and I do not have make up on"

Kids also reapeat what they hear. They say innapropriate things because they're trying new language. They just don't know what is appropriate and what isn't.

My two your old says, "That's not very nice" to me when I do something he doesn't like. I dopn't get angry or insulted or take it personally. He's just using language he's heard.

Disobedience and blatant disrespect are another matter, though. Gently remind her how she should respond to you, and go out of your way to speak with her in a polite way. Children often do as they see, not as we would have them do.

Ame

By Kristie on Monday, June 21, 2004 - 11:54 pm:

I'm haveing that sassy mouth problem with my 5yr old son. When I spank him because he is doing something that can hurt him he tells me "don't you ever spank me again". And if I take a toy away he says " who do you think you are". This started about 2 weeks ago. He is normally a wonderful kid and a joy to be around. He only acts like this when were alone so my friends think I'm exagerateing. I have tried the soap thing and some one told me to squirt Listerine in his mouth. I would be up for any advice also.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 06:06 am:

I agree with Children03.

I'd start with your dd by saying - you are being sassy and that is not allowed. As a consequence, you will lose (this or that privilege, TV, visit with friends, whatever). If you want to know why I judge what you said as sassy, we will talk about it.

As for the son who says "who do you think you are", "I think I am the mother and the adult and the person who is putting you in time-out for 10 minutes or taking away two hours of TV or whatever". For the spanking - "I don't enjoy spanking you but it seems the only way to get into your mind that you are not allowed to do (whatever dangerous thing). I would enjoy seeing you (hurt in whatever way seems likely) even less. If you can think of a better way for you to learn that you are not allowed to do whatever, we can talk about it."

You are the parent, and you are the person who is supposed to decide what is allowed and what is not allowed. Children do test this and the more promptly, thoroughly and consistently you respond to this kind of testing the sooner they will stop.

By Children03 on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 08:46 am:

I do believe that we as parents have to watch what we say, how we say it and how we ourselves react to things in general. I also think you should be able to tell right off if your child is responding in an unacceptable manner to you. There is no question in my mind when I hear one of my children using a sassy tone in their voice. It isn't always what they say, it is how they are saying it. I just know that you have to stay on top of it and be consistent with whatever punishment you decide on.

By Conni on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 09:17 am:

I have a 4 yr old ds that was a perfect angel when he was 3yo. Now somedays its like a different child. ugh!! He is going thru the sassy mouth thing. Yesterday he kept saying 'stupid'. We had to go to wal-mart yesterday and he apparentyl forgot everything he has ever been taught-- wouldnt get in the basket, talking back to me, etc... Well, I told him 2 things were going to happen when we got home--- first i told him NO ice cream and cake for him, then when he kept acting up I told him he was going straight to bed when we got home and he could skip dinner too.

Well, he was devastated-- but i finally got his attention. He had to lay on my bed until his Dad got home from work (about 30 min). He did fall asleep, I knew he was acting out partly from being tired.
Dad got home and we discussed it -- he said if ds slept thru the night then he probably needed the rest, if he woke up then we would give him some dinner. He did wake up from his nap and he did eat some dinner / swim with his bros. He was much nicer after his nap.

When we were in the store and I kept getting on to him he said several times ' You're not my BEST Mommy anymore!' ME: 'That's right, I am not your best FRIEND, I am here to be your Mother and help you learn right from wrong. I am not here to be your best friend' He didnt have much to say to that. lol But a man walking by sure was looking at me funny--like maybe I was suppose to be ds best friend. lol

Good luck with your little one. Mine has sure turned into a challenge since he turned 4! He wants to be so big and he isnt.

By Texannie on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 10:43 am:

I was told that 4 is 2 with a mouth. A wonderful book is Magic 1-2-3 by Thomas W. Phellan.
I also agree with the tone being sassy more than the words themselves. My kids have said things that if I wrote them down would sound sassy, but they weren't said that way or meant that way.

By Mommierenee on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 01:34 pm:

I'm sorry amecmom, I disagree! I think your daughter knows exactly what she's saying Amyj & how she's saying it! I do agree w/ children03, that you have to watch how you are speaking to others (not just her necessarily), because sometimes we don't even realize that they're getting it from us. Like, if you want them to say "please, thank you, excuse me" or whatever it is, you have to make sure you are modeling the same behavior!
I was in a restaurant the other day & I heard these parents "making" their children say "may I please have..." and semanding all these manners when they ordered their food. Then when it was the mom's turn to order, she said "I want..." How can she expect them to talk politely to others if she isn't!
I'm not at all suggesting that you do this or don't do this, but it's just something to think about.

This is what I do if my children are talking in a way that I don't like. I simply tell them "I can't hear you when you talk like that" Or I say "I won't speak to you while you're talking like that because I don't like it" and I don't talk to them until they straighten it out. I got that idea from the pediatrician when my son was a baby & throwing tantrums. She told me that he knows EXACTLY what he's doing & that if I say that & then ignore him, he'll stop it. It's worked so far for me. If they want something & they don't say please, or may I please have... then I tell them, "that's not how you ask & I don't understand 'not nice" "

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 06:37 pm:

Conni, you are so right. You cannot be your child's buddy, pal, or best friend (though once I got to be an adult my mom was really my best friend). Buddies, pals and best friends don't discipline and are not responsible when things go wrong. Being a parent means that while your child will always love you, s/he may not always like you (which is OK, there were times when I didn't particularly like my children and times when I don't particularly like myself). But in the end, you are responsible for raising them to be responsible adults, and that means living through a lot of flack, a lot of I don't like you, I don't love you, you don't love me, and so on.

I can only tell you that if you stick to your guns, be consistent and demand appropriate behavior, it will pay off. One of my joys is that each of my three sons came back, after they had moved out, to thank me for being strict and having strong behavioral expectations. They were each pleased to realize that they were a lot more adult, and a lot more acceptable to potential employers, girlfriends, and to their college instructors than friends who didn't have a "mean mother". To this day there are words they won't use around me (though I know they use them) and things they won't do around me - and we all realize that is so. I revel in having their respect, along with their love and liking.

But oh, I do remember how hard it was, and how heart-breaking sometimes to hear "I don't love you" or, even worse "you don't love me".

By Luvn29 on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 07:06 pm:

I agree with a lot of the things said here. I am dealing with an almost eight year old dd going on 17. UGH!!! sometimes it seems all I get done is punishing her. I hate those days.

But I have to say, I really feel strongly against the listerine thing. One, it isn't good for young children to swallow even a small amount of it. And two, it just seems like cruel punishment. You know how badly mouthwash burns your mouth, it just seems like it would be even worse on a child's sensitive mouth. I can't stand to use it without drinking water afterwards, so I couldn't imagine purposely causing pain like that to my child, regardless of what they do.

No offense to anyone!!! Just my opinion. And yes, I do believe in spankings. If done correctly.

By Kristie on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 09:26 pm:

I never did the Listerine thing for that exact reason. I have taken away a bunch of things today (t.v.,video game, bubbles) He has been an awsome little boy all day. Matter of fact, the reason I wanted to get back on here was he came in and said "Mommy I understand why you took my stuff away and I'm glad you did cuz I liked playing with you today better than my toys." I guess kids just go through phases and even though one thing will work for one kid it may not for another. I know spanking works for other things but it didn't work for the sassy mouth.

By Amyj on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 11:05 pm:

Today was somewhat better on the sassy front! First thing this a.m. I explained that she could help decide what kind of day we would have. We talked about what kind of behavior makes for a good day and what makes for a not so good day. She said she wanted to have a good day. The a.m. routine went so well, that later in the day I told her that she could choose an activity for us to do together because she was so helpful. We went to the park and played! It seems to work well to reward her (not bribe) when things are going well. Maybe others can try this and hopefully have some success too. Of course, tomorrow is another day! Wish me luck!

By Tink on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 - 11:49 pm:

YAY Amyj! It is so important for people to realize that they control their moods, and the younger the better! I used to feel like a victim to my moods and now I realize how much of my life could have been seen so differently, if I hadn't been such a victim. I work very hard to teach this to my oldest who is so emotional. It has helped with her "smart mouth" and I consistently remind her of my expectations and praise her for helping the family having a great day together.I've also encouraged her to write and draw about her feelings when she is having a sassy mouth so that she can learn an acceptable way to let her emotions out without inflicting her bad mood on the rest of us.

By Eve on Wednesday, June 23, 2004 - 12:57 pm:

With my DD, 3 1/2, if she is rude to me. I say "Aggh, man, bummer" and I take away something of importance. It goes away until she can be "sweet" and she also has to earn it back. She will do chores and pick up her toys. If she is rude and swats at me, she gets a "Uh-oh, so sad. Looks like a little thinking time" and off she goes to her bedroom until she is "sweet." Her latest is pointing her finger at me when she is angry and spitting. Aggh, such a joy! Yesterday, she was in her room about 20 times!! I've been out of the habit and I can tell with her behavior that I have not been on top of it. So, today, she's only been in once. Immediate consequences without too much talking and lecturing works for us.

By Amyj on Wednesday, June 23, 2004 - 06:00 pm:

Tink, I like the idea of drawing about feelings. I will try this with both of my children next time the "mood" arises! Thanks for the ideas everyone!