My DD, without us talking to her knew that Mom was going to have a baby. One day she said "Mom, you are going to have a baby. I'm going to have a brother."

Well, now with the miscarriage she is still asking me about it. I had one conversation with her and tried to explain so she could understand. She said "No, Mom. The baby is in your tummy!" I told her that God took the baby to Heaven. We had a big conversation and she seemed to understand.

Today I overheard her talking to her imaginary friend telling them about her baby brother that was coming. I walked in and started talking to her. I told her that the baby was not in Mommy's tummy anymore. I said that even with all the sunlight, sometimes a flower just doesn't grow. I said "Just like that flower, sometimes babies don't grow, so God takes them to Heaven." It's just so hard to keep explaining this to her. (Then, she says she wants to grow too! She doesn't want to be small!! Poor thing!) It leaves me in tears. I asked her if she wanted to draw the baby a picture and God and the baby will look down from Heaven and see it.

I would just love some ideas or a book that anyone could suggest. The really good part, is we are discussing God a lot in our house! She amazes me what she has said. She said the baby must have big wings to make it up to the sky to Heaven.

By Children03 on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 03:18 pm:

I think your illustration about the flower was great! I haven't ever had to go through what you are going through, but I think you seem to be doing a good job. I think it is great that your daughter is talking about God and Heaven with you too.

I love your profile picture y'all look so cute together.

By Texannie on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 03:24 pm:

I had several miscarriage. I just told my kids that the baby had died in mommy's tummy and was living with God. Love your flower example, but one downside to saying that the baby didn't grow and God took it is what happens if she doesn't grow? Will God take her too? Kids minds work in so many directions.
She might still be trying to work it all out in her head, and by talking to her imaginary friends about the baby she is. I wouldn't be surprised if you hear her telling them that the baby died. Perhaps, she hadn't told them about the baby yet.

By Bellajoe on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 03:33 pm:

That must be so hard to explain. My kids have seen a picture of my dad, who died when i was 14 so they never met him. They have asked where Grandpa is and i tell him that his body stopped working and that he died and went to heaven...i'm very careful not to say that he was sick (cancer). And they just accept that grandpa is in heaven watching over us and that he is with the angels.

I do like your explanation with the flower though, that was a good way to explain it to a little one. Maybe she just needs some time to absorb and accept that her baby brother or sister isn't in mommy's tummy anymore.

Again, I'm so sorry Eve.

By Amecmom on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 04:04 pm:

Eve,
It sounds like your explanation was just perfect. You know more than anyone how painful this is. I miscarried very early with my first and completely so I never had to go through what you did and yet the pain and the loss still linger - even with a rambunctious two year old and a baby on the way.

Your daughter is dealing with this in her own way, with her imaginary friends. Perhaps with her imaginary friends, it's okay for her to pretend that her baby brother is still coming. I think she knows he's not, but perhaps she derives some comfort from pretend?

Let it go, unless she specifically asks you about it. When she does, explain as you did, in your own gentle and loving way.

Time, just give it time, for both of you.

Hugs,
Ame

By Karen~moderator on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 05:15 pm:

Eve, you may be able to find a simple book, or a book or magazine with a simple explanation through Amazon. I found this:
Explaining Miscarriage

some links on Amazon explaining miscarriage to kids

more explanations, excerpts

Just a thought - your pediatrician *may* have a book that covers this. Mine had books for every conceivable topic geared towards toddlers and young children. You might call them and ask.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 05:16 pm:

OH - and {{{{{{{{{{{{MANY MORE HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}} for you, DH and Syd.........

By Eve on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 06:38 pm:

Thanks everyone.

By Dana on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 08:28 pm:

HUGS, Eve.

By Colette on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 08:31 pm:

(((Eve))) this must be so difficult. My mother lost a baby at 5 mos and I remember her telling us something similar to what you are telling Sydney. Good luck and you have my thoughts and prayers.