I wanted to let everyone know that I had my baby boy on May 24th. William Lucas is his name, he is perfect and beautiful!
Since I had my son, I have given up my job. I have never not worked and so far its going o.k. being at home all of the time. The problem is my 3 yr old. He loves his little brother, and is very gentle with him, but when it comes to me, he acts like he can't stand me. He will walk by me and under his breath he will say, "I don't like you mama", and when I question him about it he just says "Oh, I didn't mean to say that". He argues with me all of the time, refuses to mind me no matter what I ask of him. He has me in tears every night. This didn't just start when the baby was born, it has been getting a little worse over this past year. I don't want to make him sound like a bad child, he is my life and I love him so much. His dad has been gone ever since the baby was a week old and wont be back until the end of this month. (Military stuff) So I haven't had any help what so ever. I talked with my older sons doctor this past week about his behavior, and he just seems to think that its normal 3 yr old behavior. Maybe it is, and maybe I am just emotional right now. I am not depressed or anything like that, but I feel so guilty at fussing, and spanking and sending him to him room every 10 minutes that by the end of the day, all I can do is cry. Any advice?

By Emily7 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 09:59 am:

There are some days when I feel like all I do is get after Joseph. Mine is only 2, but I really do think it is just a phase, because a friend was having simular probles with her daughter.
I try to give my ds some Mommy & Joe time so he doesn't get jealous of his sister.
Congats on your new little one.
I am sorry I couldn't be of help!

By Kaye on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 10:04 am:

I do recall this stage, and it is yucky. A year is a long time, and honestly longer than average. What I remember is at this age they are trying to learn social okays. It is your job to teach him that is just rude..LOL. Instead of getting angry or spanking him, the appropriate thing to do is probably say "that wasn't very nice" or "that hurts my feelings". Do not argue with him, just let it be. If he starts in with saying "that how i feel etc", then you make sure you tell him , whatever, you still don't tell people things that are rude, if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. And most importantly, don't make a big deal of this, just casually make a remark and then let it go. A lot of what threes do is for attention!

By Amecmom on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 10:10 am:

He may be seeking attention, and even negative attention will do. Try ignoring or redirecting rather than punishing him. He's had a lot of changes in the past few months. You were not home as his caregiver, so he may miss that person, there's a new baby in the house, which will be a disruption of routine for anyone, especially a three year old. His father was here for the birth, and has now left, your son probably feels a bit abandoned.
When my child gets crazy, or does naughty things, I try to put myself in his place. Why is he doing this? What does he really want that he's not getting?
You definately have to break the cycle of negative attention, which is not easy to do.
Praise him, even when it's something small. Try and catch him before he does something youy would have to punish him for.
It's a tough transition and situation all around. Hang in there, it will get better.
Ame

By Tink on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 11:46 am:

I think you have gotten some great advice from all the other moms that have BTDT. One thing to add is that when you stop giving him much attention for the things he is saying, he may step it up a notch. Sort of a "If this doesn't work anymore, than I will have to make it a little worse" type of attitude. I always felt like ignoring bad behavior didn't help until I learned about this behavior "spike" that happens before they cut it out. I also let my kids draw about their anger (or write for my oldest) so that they have a healthy way to express themselves. Sometimes they would get very emphatic with the dark colors and hard lines but it seems to help a little.

By Tink on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 11:47 am:

Jeesh, I'm such an airhead...Congratulations on your new little one!

By Amecmom on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 12:19 pm:

Airhead #2 here ...
Congratulations on the new baby!
Ame

By Vbw1978 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 01:31 pm:

Congrats on the new baby
My 2.5 yr old was like that for a little over 6 months & I ignored him. It went away.
he is the same way now though & he has a new little brother born 1-30-04 -- mean to me not his 8y/o sister or new brother though. But soon as he is mean to me he turns around & gives me kisses & hugs the doc told me that it is normal that he is testing his limits ?? I hope that you get through it soon - I know that it is hard to deal with

By Coopaveryben on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 01:32 pm:

Congratulations on the new baby!

This sounds like my oldest. He is extremely strong willed and will call me names and argue with me to get a reaction. From my experience with him I can not "talk" to him about it when he first does it or it will happen again and again I believe because he feels as though he "got away" with it. For my son I have to punish him immedietely and consistentely, I usually send him to his bed for 5 to 10 minutes (he is usually screaming the entire time and as long as he is crying I will not go to him) and then I go in and tell him "I Love you to much to let you act that way, I am your mother and you will not speak to me that way..EVER and if you do you will be punished". For my son this wasn't a stage, he is 6 and still doing it although not as often.

Any change in my sons life, positive or negative, will cause this behavior. I have noticed with him change is difficult and this seems to be his way of making certain the rules still apply.

I do think it is a plea for attention but you have to be careful not to give him attention and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. I also would go to my oldest when he was being good and tell him what a great big brother he is and how lucky his brothers are to have him.

Something else I did that helped was to make a chart, he started out with 10 boxes or so and if he said something or did something malicious he had to mark off a box, if he had any boxes left at the end of the week or whatever the alloted time was, he went out for an evening with just him and mom or him and dad...this worked wonderful. We would go to the park, movies,anywhere he wanted and I would spend that time telling him how much I enjoy him.

Good luck!

By Debbie on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 01:33 pm:

I also had a really hard time with my oldest around this age. You have had a lot of changes in your life recently. You staying home is a big adjustment for you and for your ds. You are both getting used to something different, not to mention a new baby thrown in there too. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. As far as your ds saying he doesn't like you under his breath. I would personally ignore it. He is at the age that he doesn't really understand the true meaning of those words, he just knows that you are reacting to it. So, my advice would be to just ignore it. Also, at this age I tried to set rules and consequences for important things and I let other things go. Otherwise, I was on my ds all the time. I wouldn't tolerate back talk, not minding or hitting. These were 3 big rules in our house. I would just send my ds into his room for these things. I also tried to determine what his triggers were for bad behavior (boredom, tired, hungry) and I would try and take care of these things before they turned into bad behavior. I also really tried to catch him doing something good and I praised him as much as I could(even if it was something little).

Hang in there. Hopefully, things will get better soon.

By Children03 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 01:56 pm:

I personally feel like your son is just adjusting to having the new baby around,however, I would not allow my child to speak to me lke that. I think I would tell him that what he is saying is very ugly and you will not allow him to speak that way about you in your house. Maybe you should sit down and tell him that he is the big brother now and you would like him to be your little helper with the baby, it made my girls feel special when I told them this after Morgan was born. Tell him that he and you are a team. It will make him feel special because maybe he is just feeling replaced.

By Children03 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 01:58 pm:

Oh and congratulations on your new little one. I know it is a hard time for all of you trying to adjust now. I am sure things will start to change.

By Nicosmom on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 02:03 pm:

It must just be a phase..hopefully. I am going through the same thing with my 3 year-old. His attitude has been up and down for a while now. He talks back so much, I feel like I am always punishing him. He is an only child so he gets all the attention. Lately he's been driving me CRAZY and I feel like a bad parent. I know what you're going through!

By Mommierenee on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 05:33 pm:

I really think that he will grow out of it. In the meantime, you definately should let him know that it isn't appropriate to say that. You should remind hi of a time when you know his feelings were hurt & you say "remember how you felt when that happened?" then say "that's how you are making mommy feel" ask him if he wants you to feel bad & I think that will at least make him think about it. You probably will have too remind him of it a couple of times though. At this age, they need to be reminded briefly & then they usually remember. Also, I don't know what your views are on discipline, but for instance, if you are planning to go to the park or to McDonald's & he messes up & talks that way to you, you could say, "wow, you really made mommy sad when you said that & now I don't feel like going to ... anymore" something to try anyway. My son when he was about 2 & 1/2 he used to say "shut up" to me all the time. Not because he even knew what he was saying, but so that he's get a reaction out of me. He grew out of it.
He also, was only a little over a year when his sister came along. Most everything associated with the arrival of the new baby they outgrow, I think.

I felt like such a bad mother for a while after my 2nd child came, but I outgrew that too LOL

By Monicamomof3 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 05:37 pm:

Hang in there! To me, it is not the "terrible twos", rather, it is the "difficult threes"! My daughter played this game and had me so upset all the time and now my almost 3 year old son is beginning to say things like that. Three year olds are difficult. I think their needs are a little more hidden and not expressed in the way a younger child does. However, that is not to say that I tolerated it. I told her, it hurt my feelings and made me so sad, because I love her so much. I appealed to her conscience by asking her how it would make her feel if someone she loved so very much said that to her. Then before she could answer, I sent her to her room for a time out and asked her not to come out until she had an answer as to how that would make her feel. This took a lot of time and guidance, but empathy is a worthwhile and time consuming lesson. Trust me, it gets easier. Pretty soon he will be telling you he wants to marry you! You're doing great!

By 2princesses on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 02:17 am:

Oh I remember those days. My daughter just turned 4 but when she was 3 she used to tell me all klnds of things and noticed that punishing her made things worse, so I started using a little reverse psychology. One time she got so mad because I didn't let her have candy for breakfast and told me she didn't like me anymore and that she wanted a new mommy. I acted like it did not bother me and told her "okay, bye-bye, you want another mommy" and when I would act like it did not bother me, she would then say "I am so sorry mommy, I love you and I don't want another mommy, you are a nice mommy, I am going to be nice now." She would realize how wrong she was. She did that many times and used the same strategy and went away when she got closer to 4 years old. Try not to let it hurt your feelings as he really does love you. He is probably jealous of the baby. I would also try to give him a little extra attention so he does not feel left out in any way.

Congratulations on your little angel!

By Feona on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 06:30 am:

There is also that book everyone raves about including me... Called 1 - 2 - 3 Magic. Some kids such as mine thought spanking was funny or hit back or started to hit other children. So time outs are better for them.

By Tink on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 11:34 am:

Another great book for learning good time-out strategies is SOS Help for Parents. Very practical and adapts from 2 to teens. Obviously, you aren't timing out the teenagers. Behavior contracts and the like...haven't gotten that far yet. I've got a few more years.

By Lauram on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 12:56 pm:

It sounds to me like he's having a tough time on the adjustment of the new baby and daddy being away- and he's three. Personally, I do not believe in spanking a child, ever, so I would take a hard look at how you are using that. I firmly believe it builds up resentment and doesn't teach anything but that the adult is more powerful. I don't want to start a huge debate about it, just pointing it out as something you may want to change in order to change your child's behavior. He's probably struggling with his place in the family and is wondering where daddy is. My oldest son has HUGE behavior problems, but I have NEVER spanked him. We do use time out alot though. I also have specifically told him "I'm choosing to ignore you because I do not like ..." As others have said, you really do need to be careful about how much negative attention you are giving him. What really worked for my ds#1 when the baby came was to have planned "dates." I know it's hard, believe me, because you need to sleep to, but trust me it really helps! Sometimes our dates were when the baby was sleeping, I'd play a game with him (ALONE). Or we'd bake cookies, or I'd push him on the swing. THings like that. It doesn't need to be much, but I do think you need to explictly show him that he is still loved very much and that he's not being "replaced." Good Luck! This, too, shall pass!

By Jtsmom on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 10:05 pm:

Thank all of yall for your advice. It helps to hear that others have been through this too. We had a good day today. The baby slept a good bit and we had a chance to read his favorite books and play with his "army men". I know he is going through a lot of changes in his life and I am sure that that has a lot to do with it, and he just doesn't know how to put it in words yet. Maybe things will get better. He got to talk to his dad tonight so that made him happy. I will keep you informed on our progress.