My son was having some problems on the bus, teasing and feeling ridiculed by my neighbors son. I asked my son if he told the boy to stop, he didn't. My son is a good boy and easily intimidated and wouldn't say anything, he asked me to tell the boy's mother. We are neighbors and we are friendly, actually our younger sons play together regularly. Well I talk to my friend and told her that my son was feeling teased and asked me to call her so that she could tell him to stop. My friend said that she would talk to her son but that she couldn't believe that her son would be mean. Other little boys have told my son that this is how he is and that you just get used to it. When my friend talk to her son she said he was shocked and did not believe that he did anything wrong and that he was just playing. She explained that sometimes people are sensitive and do not joke around that way. I feel like she is being duped by her son and that they all think my son is just "too sensitive." So that in some ways my son is the one that is in the wrong because he is "too sensitive." Too much I tell ya. There is just no arguing with her so I will just let her live in her own fantasy.

By Emily7 on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:38 pm:

I hate it when people think their kids do nothing wrong. I know my son is a little monster. In fact we have this little wall hanging that says, "No use tryin to fool you God, you know I did it". Unfortunatly she will learn the hard way.

By Texannie on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:56 pm:

It honestly could be a combination of both..this boy may be over zealous in his teasing and your son may be a little sensitive. My daughter is very sensitive and can't take any kind of teasing well, good natured or not..she always sees it as mean. In fact this is a real point of contention with older brother..he is always telling her to "get over it". I have heard him say things that yes, probably were not the nicest, but in no ways ridiculing and her just come unglued.
I am not standing up for the boy, but it does sound like the mom tried to talk to him and tell him that everyone is different on how they "take" things.
My fil is kind of gruff and hurt my feelings for years, when I finally called him on it, he was so stunned cause he didn't think he was..there was no malice on his side.

By Texannie on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:58 pm:

ps. maybe try role playing with your son on how to handle a situation like that if it comes up again so he can better able stand up for himself. I am not sure what age he is, but having his mother fix the situation can backfire on him later on.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:58 pm:

My son has a very sarcastic sense of humor. I guess really, it's our "family humor", we joke around and tease each other all the time. He has gotten into some trouble at school, too, for hurting people's feelings. I'm not saying he's an angel, but sometimes it is difficult for kids who aren't very sensitive to see that their teasing can be hurtful. We've had many conversations about this very subject, and it seems to have helped. He has also made comments about how so-and-so is too sensitive, etc. Unfortunately, being sensitive can bring some unwanted attention, like it or not, esp. for boys his age. (11) I'm not saying your son is "wrong" for being sensitive, but I have been on the other mom's side. I'm glad you talked to her, though, and hopefully the situation will get better. Parenting!!! AAACCCHHH!!!

By Lauram on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:00 pm:

Were you specific? That might be helpful to have the specific comment (s) that he felt "teased" by- otherwise you are just speaking in generalities and that doesn't usually help get to teh bottom of it.

By Janet on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:26 pm:

I have/had a friend whose daughter was best friends with mine for years (they've grown apart in recent years). Anyway, her oldest son is really, really bad news, and once my dd came home from sleeping over and told me he'd chased them with a knife. Naturally, I called my friend to tell her, and she defended him, saying he wasn't really chasing them, just joking around. It was at this point I realized she always defended him (still is, and he's been in and out of trouble with the law, dropped out of h.s., etc), and it wasn't going to do any good to try and get her to see my way. That was the last overnight. Now her daughter is starting down the same path. Too bad.

By Jayne2 on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:30 pm:

The boy blocked my son from getting off the bus, they share a seat and he wouldn't let my son off. He told my son the tennis ball that he had was not the "good kind" and he pulled the orgami figure my son had made out of his hand and ripped it. Also I didn't want to make a big deal about it I just wanted her to know (in the past she has told me to tell her if something happens with her boys so that she could nip it in the bud)and that be the end of it. She is very defensive and things seem different between us. I saw her today and it was awkward. Ya know what that is okay, I have to protect my child and if he is hurting, embarrassed I am going to help him.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:35 pm:

That definitely goes beyond "teasing." That is bullying, and you are right to step in.

By Amecmom on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:39 pm:

That is bullying, did you describe what happened to the mom, the same way you described it here? If not, then she may not have realized the extent of her son's "teasing".
Ame

By Dana on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:50 pm:

My 6 yr dd is going thru a tough time too. I talked to my sister (a teacher) for ideas on how to handle it. She said there is just a ton of info being given to kids now about "bullying" and that DD is really taking the info in.

Like your son, she is very kind and considerate to the extreme. We are having a tough time teaching her assertiveness. She says that is "being rude."

I have luckily seen instances that my child calls "bullying" by one of her more "psycologically powerful" more friends. Mind you, they are BEST friend since birth. But still, the friend clearly has the upper hand in most everything. DD complains to me about friend being a bully or mean. I have to agree with her. I saw it in action. But nothing that is not uncommon...survival of the fittest, I guess. I listen, I try to give her choices during these times. Then she continues to tell me more stuff the friend did, the friend said and so on. Well, I was there. I know it was not said or done. DD is making it much worse than it really was. I'm really at a loss at what to do.

But my point is, I am sure your son is correct. It is possible that the other child honestly doesn't think he is wrong. If you son was brought up to be proper and polite and aware of other's feelings, he is more conscience of appropriate behavior than the other. The other child may not have the same awareness. And if he does know he is being mean, what do you think he is going to tell his mom?

We can't control what others say or do, only how we respond or act on them. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so I wouldn't expect much from the parents if this is not the first time her son has been accused of bullying.

If you find some good coping behaviors, share them with me. I am praying this is just a phase DD is going thru.

By Jayne2 on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:54 pm:

Thank you for using the "b" word. I too feel like this is covert bullying. I did explain to my friend exactly what I told you guys and she said that her son said he was just "playing" and was "shocked" that there was any thought that he had a problem with my son. Obviously, their definition of playing around is different than ours. It is one thing to be playing around but when the other person feels they are the butt of your joke it is not fun for them.

After talking about this, the next day the boy told my son he was only joking around. The bus ride yesterday was fine and things seem to be okay on the bus now. Next year I will be sure that my son does not sit next to him.

By Amecmom on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:59 pm:

It's great that the boy was able to apologize. Sometimes kids really don't think, or just don't know any better until they learn. As Dana said, this kind of behavior may be normal teasing in his family.

I wouldn't worry too much if your son sits next to him or not. You seem to have a good relationship with the mother, and your other children play together. It sounds like there was a problem and it was addressed. You might not get that same cooperation with another child's parent.

I'm just glad all is well.
Ame

By Texannie on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 04:19 pm:

That is wonderful that the boy apologized! It sounds like it really is a difference in perception. It's such a fine line between teasing and bullying. If the child did mean it meanly, from my experience, getting in questioned by his mom would have made him take it out more on your son. It sounds like the children are working it out between themselves which is really our goal as parents to teach our kids how to handle various life situations.

By Dana on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 05:02 pm:

That is very reasuring that he told your son he was sorry. Hopefully, in the future, you son can just say "that hurt my feelings" or something like that so the other child understands.

By Amyj on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 05:05 pm:

My son has been going through similiar types of teasing this year from class mates. Role playing different situations has really helped him. I posted about the incident when several went to the movies and how he handled teasing the next day. He felt prepared because we practiced several possible situations. I also agree that you did the right thing talking to the mother. Parents need to know what their children are doing. You can't do anything about how she deals with it, but now your son knows you are on his side and there to support him. I have done the same type of thing and I am also careful not to talk about the situation in front of him. One day he heard me talking about one of his classmates (the one picking on him)and started to feed off of that. That was the last time I did that!

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:44 pm:

What I don't understand is where the school authorities, bus driver, etc. are while all these things happen - to Anon's son and other children. We see so much publicity about how bullying has to be addressed, dealt with, stopped - and how it can lead to violence. But it seems too few schools are taking it seriously.

I'm glad the boy apologized. I hope he developed some understanding. And I agree, your son should sit elsewhere next year.

But I still want to know why the bus driver didn't intervene when he stopped your son from getting off the bus, took his tennis ball, and tore up his origami. The least the bus driver should/should have done is report it to someone at the school.

I don't believe in "boys will be boys". It is just an excuse for letting boys be bullies, imo. I have three sons, and I never, never said "not my son" until after I had heard the whole story from the accuser, from my son and, if possible, from an independent witness. Sometimes it was my son - but never something that son did a second time, I can assure you.