Hi all!
Just found this site and fell in love with the support system, so I thought I'd throw my question out there for you to help me with.

So, I have a 4 yr old son, turns 5 in July, who still comes in my bed at night. I used to wake up when he ran in but now I just wake up to his slapping and kicking. He goes to bed without a fight, even saying he'll stay in his room all night. But no. He falls asleep just fine, but sometime in the middle of the night he runs across the dark house to our bedroom. He has a nightlight and he wears a pull-up...FYI. I know he hates the dark so that IS a factor, but he has the nightlight. I have a 7yr old daughter who is very afraid of the dark too (has a nightlight) but she wouldn't dare exit her bed in the dark. So DS isn't THAT affraid is he? I know I created this problem b/c I let him sleep with us as a baby and all, but now my DH will move to the couch when the kicking gets too bad. DS is also an extreme cuddler, so he wants to be right up next to you, if not on top of you. So DH gets pushed off the bed. It really is a problem and I don't know how to get him to stop.
Now, he does go a few days without coming in, but it is so spiratic that I don't know the magic that caused it. Very inconsistant. He does say he has bad dreams sometime, others it's he gets cold, others it for no reason at all. Habbit probably? We tried the reward system, leaving the living room light on (which works best), even taking stuff away when he comes in. Nothing is fail proof. Any suggestions?
I have read many different opinions on this subject and I don't mean to offend or get anyone all raellyed up, just for me this has become a problem. AND, to make myself look worse .....my 19 month old wakes up sometimes (about once a week) and I bring him in our bed too. Is this attachment parenting that I've been hearing about? I just love the cuddles, but 5 years old and slapping is enough.
Thanks!-and sorry it's so long ;)

By Sunny on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 01:17 pm:

I'd tell him it was okay to come to bed when Daddy didn't have to work the next day, but other nights, I'd walk him back his own bed and tell him he needed to sleep there tonight. If he's cold, I'd give him another blanket and cuddle with him for a bit; if he has a bad dream, I'd calm him and talk about it; if he didn't know why he got up, I'd kiss him and tell him I'll see him in the morning. But, I would walk him back to bed unless I was too tired or didn't mind him being in our bed.
All my kids slept with us and continued to come into our beds until they started school. As long as he will go to bed on his own at bedtime, I don't think you'll have too hard of a time getting him to stay there.

By Amecmom on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 01:39 pm:

Consistency is the key. Don't let him sleep in your bed one night and the say no the next. Once something is ok, kids have a hard time understanding why it's not okay all the time. Pick a night and say from now on, no more sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed. Every time he comes to your bed, take him back to his. It will be tough on both of you for a few weeks, but you have to break the routine that this has become. If you give in even once, all your hard work will have been for nothing.
Tell him that as a reward, you'll let him snuggle with you on the couch before he goes to bed, or let him snuggle in your bed for a few minutes in the morning.
Hope this helps, and welcome!
Ame

By Kaye on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 03:32 pm:

My 6 year old does this. I can break the habit, but it is hard and then each change I have to be aware of and nip it in the bud. This is how you do it....first talk with him, let him know that he is no longer to sleep in your bed, let him give you ideas, throw out some crazy ideas, Like we can just tie you down, etc. He is old enough to maybe have some insight. Then explain that if he sleeps in his bed he will get a star, make a chart, after 5 he gets a video rental, etc. After 2 weeks, something else. It takes at least 3 weeks to form new habits and can take as long as 6 weeks. Second, you have to wake up when he comes to your room, this is the hard part for me I found that if I close my door it usually helps. If not I lock it. The key here is to NEVER let him slip in, as soon as he does, you have to remove him. It only takes one time to be at square one. This is where I lose ground. Each time we have something major go on, we battle this and then I just think, it is just one night..NOPE. It takes a lot of time, patience and energy, but you can get through this. I am going to get this done when school is out, I don't have the energy until then! As far as attachment parenting, this isn't quite it..LOL The idea of attachment parenting is that you spend a LOT of time hands on, holding, cuddling, etc and it is mutally desired. I was an attachment mom, but at some stage you just know when, it is time for cosleeping to end. For us it hit at about 5 1/2 with my son, younger with my older two. During waking hours I still try to do lots of holding, etc, but for now bedtime is ME time. Good luck!

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 09:28 pm:

My kids used to come into our bed in the middle of the night. Usually it was if they were stressed out about something, like the first day of school coming up. It would happen for a while and then end just as fast. Never was both of them at once, but it seemed as the older one could stay all night in her bed, then the younger one kept coming in! They eventually stopped. It was more sporadic for them, though.

By Pamt on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 11:46 pm:

I totally agree with Kaye's post. And...unless you want the cycle to continue I would nip this in the bud now with the 19 m/o as well. You said you have tried reward and it hasn't worked. Actually it has worked...very well. He has been rewarded by getting to stay in your bed whether that was your intention or not. The sporadic nature of that is even more reinforcing. Experimental operant psychology functions on the premise that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful type. That's why gambling is so addictive. It's not that you win every time, but that you *might* win this time. That's what is going on with your son when he climbs in bed---tonight he might be quiet enough and get to stay. Prepare yourself for a tired few weeks ahead and just resolve to calmly put him back in his bed every time he climbs in with you. Even if it is 50 times in one night and results in tears and fits. He WILL eventually get the picture. Closing your door so you will be more likely to hear him come in would be a good idea as Kaye suggested. In addition to him keeping you awake and you simply wanting him to stay in his bed, I think it is a dangerous thing for your son to learn that DH will go to the couch if he comes in bed. Certainly not comfortable for DH and DS needs to get the message that you and dad have a special relationship that he doesn't always take priority over.

Good luck, keep us posted, and WELCOME!!

By Truestori on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 12:48 am:

Well,
I don't really have any advice, but I'm a sucker for co~sleepers. My son is 5 and still sleeps with us and my daughter who is 11 still try's to convince dad that he can sleep in the guest bed cause she wants a night with mom. From your post above it sounds like hubby may have more of a problem with him in the bed then you, well hes not alone my hubby is the same way, and I'm sure has the exact complaints...Just remember they grow up so fast and this is probably the only time they will be willing to cuddle..

By Palmbchprincess on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 04:57 pm:

My kids have never slept in my bed, other than the nursing for the first few months, so I have no BTDT experience. What I can say is that when I was a kid, (I was an only child, single mom) my mom would not let me sleep in her bed. If I had a nightmare or got lonely there was a sleeping bag (A kids' size one) in her room. I couldn't sleep in her bed, but I could sleep in the sleeping bag on the floor. This kept her space separate from mine, and allowed her to sleep so she could get up early for work. I'm a kicker, and always have been, so I would keep her up. By her letting me sleep on the floor in her room, I could still feel safe without disrupting both our sleep habits. This may work for you as a transition thing, and also as a back-up plan to allow him to feel safe. HTH! And Welcome to MV!!!

By Amy~moderator on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 05:13 pm:

I like Crystal's sleeping bag idea. I think that would help very much in the transition from your bed to his.

By Amecmom on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 05:38 pm:

Good idea Crystal!
Ame

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 08:56 pm:

Actually, my parents did the same as Crys's mom. On moms side just under the bed was a sleeping bag folded for easy access and a spare pillow. IF we got scared or lonely we could come in and pull it out and go to sleep. My parents only had a double bed surely not enough room for them and a child. But the sleeping bag worked because you were in there and "safe". Maybe see if DS will go for it.

Another suggestion would be a crib mattress under the edge of the bed. My sister did that one. When her sons would need to sleep with her the mattress could be slipped out from under the bed and she kept it made and ready.

But then you might have him on the floor of your room every night... LOL Guess it beats in your bed though.