Bullying..
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2004:
Bullying..
Hi all, hope someone can give some advice.
My daughter is in the 6th grade. She has 5 close friends and one "best friend". Now when she hangs with 2 of the girls the other 3 are mad at her and say it's either me or them(the 2 girls are ok if she hangs with the other girls). Ok if she hangs with her best friend the others get jealous and "pick" on her. So she can never be friends all at once with these girls. There is one girl who is the ring leader, none of the girls want to get on her bad side, because she makes thier lifes heck. A couple weeks ago her best friend asked her to make out a list when she can fit her into it. It so happens her best friend was having her birthday party that weekend,her best friend started throwing stuff and calling my daughter names that monday before the party and sent out and invitation on Thursday(while making my daughters life heck). So my Daughter called her the day she got the invitation to see what time she should be there..i also got on the phone to speak to her mom about it, anyways the best friend said well you are UNinvitied. My daughters best friend is not really liked by the other girls in the group. So now for the past 2 weeks the whole group of girls are throwing things at her calling names ect. One of the girls the best friend is a peer mediator at school. The "groups at school have already formed and no one wants to be in the spot my daughters in, so they all go along with it or ignore it. So she eats lunch alone and is ignored and shoved. I have been to school and seen this. I have told her ignore them, but it seems they get more girls to ignore my daughter. The ring leader and i heard her say it..she said i love it when i get my way, i rule. I know this is a jealousy thing..but it has to stop. My daughter is really open and she knows i do not approve of any type of teaseing..so when the other girls are teasing the others in the group she is the only one to stick up for them, which gets the ones doing the teasing mad at her. So i have no clue as to why they are all acting this way. She has been crying herself to sleep, trying not to let us know. She just says it's ok mom i am fine. Anyone know what to do? It's so sad, i feel it's my fault for telling her to stand up for her friends and be friends with everyone even though ones mad at the other or don't like them that day. Also her best friend told all her deep down secrets to the other girls and anyone that would listen. So sad, any help? Talking to thier mom's don't help...just make it worse. Thanks..sorry for it being so long, and my spelling i keep getting booted off line so gotta hurry and type.
I really don't have any suggestions but I'm so sorry for your daughter and you. It sounds like you are trying to teach her the right thing but it is really blowing up in her face. These things do seem to blow over quickly at this age. I don't think talking to the parents is the way to go, although it sounds like you already know that. Are there any girls that are less involved that your dd could invite over for a sleepover? If they spend some time together without the ringleader, sometimes that's all it takes for this age group to close ranks around a friend again. My only suggestion...sorry.
I'd take her to go see the movie Mean Girls!
Wow, what a mean girl!! She must be really insecure herself to be that mean! Your daughter is really having a rough time of it!
I don't really have any suggestions, though. My 6th grade daughter has a best friend who really is a best friend and she hasn't had any trouble from anyone else that I know of, anyway.
How does the school deal with bullying? Sounds serious to me, I have to disagree that these things blow over easily at this age. It may but what if it doesn't? Maybe you can discreetly talk to the principal, teachers etc....This kind of thing is so damaging to self esteem. I would "consider" moving her to another school. Sounds like she needs a mental break. Not knowing the full situation makes it hard to give advice though. My ds went through a similar situation but NOT as bad as your ds's. We considered home schooling or changing schools. I spoke to the principal and he was excellent at dealing with bullies. When I would call and talk to the principal about something that was going on he would bring the kds in and say a student had reported them bullying my ds. The teachers know who the bullies are in the schools.....Your dd needs to stay true to herself....it's a tough world we live in. Open communication is so important along with assuring her that you will not call the parents of these girls. She doesn't have to know that you have contacted the school. You just tell the principal that you want your conversations with her/him to be kept confidential. I'm assuming alot of this stuff happens at shcool? These girls are'nt friends to your daughter and sounds to me they never will be. She is not in their "league". She needs nice caring friends such as herself. Warn her not to share any very personal secrets until she really establishes a good long relationship with her next best friend. There is one out there for her some where some day. I always say to my ds, stay strong, you will get through this hurdle and just remember one day they will be pumping gas into your mercedes......we laugh. I am beside myself to hear how many kds like to inflict pain and emotionally drain others. It's so sad really. Hang in their mom...just stay connected...and tread lightly.
I agree with Lynn keep talking to her. This girl obviously feels threatened by her because she is strong and well liked.
Try to help her foster other relationships and help her to get involved in other things...does she like dance, swimming, art, basketball, piano, drums, etc? I think really helping them get involved in things they like helps to give them a strong identity and is great therapy when they are feeling down. Summer is coming maybe you can get her excited about trying something new and this will help her to take her mind off these girls.
Good luck, I know as a mom this is as hard on you as it is on her but..."this too shall pass"
Hi all. Thanks so much for the replies!!
Well i spoke with the school today both her homeroom teacher and the school counselor they said they will keep an eye and ear out to see what they can come up with.
Daughter said her day went as follows..Ok bestfriend i will call #1..ringer leader #2..#3 neteral..and #5 the newer one to thr group.
She said first thing in the mornin(to my D) #1 said oh i can not wait tilll we hit the mall again and have another sleep over and the party we are having for our fav show starting again in July!! My D replied so we are friends again? #1 replied well only if you apoligize to #2 and Me #1, my D said for what..she said just do it so you make everyone feel better you are causing to much conflict!! My D said wait shouldn't it be you to say sorry to me? I did nothing and i am not saying sorry for things i did not do! #1 said well make us all happy and say sorry to #2, just do it(teacher confrimed the girl trying to get my D to say sorry). Ok so now girl #2 is being somewhat nice but has to think about it if they can be friends again. So threw out the day #1 was being some nice, not picking on her till the end of the day when she said loud for all to hear, my son heard this too. You are so ugly when you get married you husband will die i should pull you hair out till you say sorry to all of us!Now mind you girl #1 is a peer mediator. To me it sounds like the girl that is the peer mediator knows she has to say sorry but will feel better about if my d says sorry for doing nothing! My D asked the other girls why she should say sorry no one can give her a reason, my son even asked them why should say sorry, all they said to stop the conflict!! There is another girl involved but she is not in the close knit-group this used to be. So the school said they will see, what they can do.
I have really thought about taking the girls to see the movie Mean girls, but there goal is to be the Mean Girls(none have seen the movie yet), they think the mean girls rule the school.
So my advice to her remains the same, keep your head held high, do not do what they do. Now do you alll agree she should not say sorry for doing nothing? I just do not get where they are coming from..having to make up their minds if they want to be friends..or forcing her to say sorry. It is just so sad! I live in the country and this group of girls all live in town, so she is out on the things they do.
I have a niece who will be 11 next year. She recently had her best friend tell her that she didn't like her anymore. It came out of nowhere and my niece has no idea what she did wrong. Of course she probably didn't do anything wrong. My niece doesn't have nearly the kind of problems your daughter is having, but I agree with the others that the "ring leader" probably feels threatened and insecure. Most of them are.
I have a couple of book suggestions: One is "Odd Girl Out" and the other is "Queen Bees and Wannabees" They both talk about bullying among girls and how to try and deal with it. The authors of both books talked to the bullies and the bullied to get both sides. I read them both and I lent one to my sister to help with my niece. You might also want your daughter to read them too.
I never had it as bad as your DD, but I was always in the middle. I had two sets of friends and one set didn't like the other and it was just childish and petty stuff. I was in highschool at the time. Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helped.
Queen Bees is what the movie Mean Girls was based on, but is a serious book on how to deal with bullies. I really admire the strength that your daughter is showing. Hopefully, if your daughter continues to not "take the bait", the ring leader will know she is not an easy target.
I have to say I was bullied a lot in the same way your daughter is. I just found new friends after a while, I think your daughter will too. But in the mean time she's doing great by sticking up for herself, BUT as long as she doesn't comply with what they want, it's my own experience that things won't change, or may even get worse. It's a good thing the school is watching out though. I think that maybe she should sit down with each of them individually and see what the kids really think of what's going on, except with the ring leader, she'll pick on her no matter what. Or just help her to find a new group of friends, that's probably the only answer to this problem.
From Dr. Phil (HTH)
Katie doesn't understand why she's picked on by girls in the neighhborhood. It's gotten so bad that she's even asked her mom if they can move.
Dr. Phil offers some advice to Katie, her mother, and to any parent or child dealing with bullying.
"What they're doing has nothing to do with you," he says. "It's not because you're not fun or you're not a good person." If the bullies weren't giving Katie a hard time, they'd be doing it to someone else. It has nothing to do specifically with Katie or her value as a person.
Perhaps they do it to her, Dr. Phil suggests, "because they know you're nice and you won't do anything mean to them." He doesn't want Katie to stop being nice. Instead, he tells Katie to speak to the girls individually. Call one of them on the phone at home, for example, telling her that it's painful to be picked on.
Bullies are nothing more than cowards. That's why they often group together to pick on someone. When they're separated, they're gutless. That's why dealing with people individually is crucial. When you look him/her straight in the eye, he/she will begin to shrink.
When explaining to a child why others are bullies, Dr. Phil says: "Some people just are real angry, so they take it out on other people."
Advice for parents: Empower your children. Be assertive. Call the bullies' parents. Be involved. Speak with your child's teachers to make sure there's an attitude that bullying will not be tolerated.
Advice for teachers: If one child is getting bullied, it needs to be everybody's business. Instill a value system in the classroom and on the playground that someone who sits silently and watches a bully is as guilty as the bully himself. Keep a spirit of inclusion — and enforce it.
Games and more head games. Why would your dd want to continue to be friends with girls like this?
It seems rather simple doesn't it? You are mean to me, I won't play with you.
My sweet, sensitive, sometimes bossy 10 year old dd has been caught on the bad side of group bullying. It's so heart breaking to watch your child hang on to the lessons we teach them of turn the other cheek, treat people with kindness while also trying to convinve them to stand up for themselves, just walk away even if they say no one will be your friend, to convince them when no one on the playground will play with them that it will be "allright cause you are taking the high ground".
Think of how many stupid things an adult does so that someone will like them.
It's not that easy. I don't have dd's just ds's. I can only speak from my ds's point of view. For myself even in that grade (6) I remember being told that if I didn't go steady with this popular boy then I wouldn't be popular. My answer to them was Who cares, I don't care if I'm popular or not. At that age I would have rather been by myself than with a bunch of controlling ******, but that's me. I've always been like that. Never been jealous, or had to compete with someone or had to be someone that I'm not. Depends on personality, what's important to a person, etc....that's why it is so hard to give advice to someone about something like this. I don't know maybe I'm just to matter of fact on matters like this. I tolerate more than most, but when it comes to rude and controlling people, that is where I draw the line. The time and energy that these people drain from you and the attention that you have to give them for bad behavior makes no sense to me. Of course to them that is exactly what they want, power to feed their low self esteem. Of course we are talking about Grade 6'ers here. I hope things work out for the daughter, must be so tough for the mom. Maybe if they can get rid of the "ring leader" things will get better.
I don't get it either. I was the same way, it just didn't phase me. My ds is the same way, BUT I will say that it seems to be more of a girl problem than boy. I also think that girls today are just meaner. The things I have seen little ones do are amazing. Many times parents, good parents, don't see their kids as being bullies but rather assertive. They want the kids to work it out themselves. Teachers tell the child "just walk away" but then the bully follows. It's incredible and very frustrating!
Anon,
What is happening to your DD is called "relational aggression." This is the term used to define girl bullying. The books that others posted are good reads.
For more info on how to deal with this and how to help your DD deal with this, use your favorite search engine and type in relational aggression.
Also, I like this website: www.opheliaproject.org
Another useful link: http://www.zup4teens.com/
Good luck and keep supporting your DD!!!
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